Love don't live here anymore?

This morning I woke up freezing from the AC, wrapped around him for warmth. Which is fairly typical because he moves around so much when he's asleep that the duvet never stays on me and I get cold. So I got used to just reaching for him because he is like a human hot water bottle. As much as my circulation sucks and I am always cold, he must have amazing circulation mashallah because his skin always feels hot. And it's easier to find him than to find the duvet and dig it out from under the two of us. But then he would move again in the night and I would get cold and follow him. We'd wake up, uncovered, lying horizontally across the bed sometimes, with me wrapped around his back, nothing like the point we started from, which is each of us in our side of the bed like normal people.

So this morning, I opened my eyes and lay there for a few minutes, not feeling like saying anything, trying to tell from his breathing whether he was awake yet. He was. I guess he must have been listening to my breathing too because I felt him move to get up. I mumbled no, am cold. So he turns over in my arms, pulls me with him so we're lying on the bed the way we're supposed to and then pulls the duvet over the two of us. And I fall asleep again. The next time I wake up, he's gone. And the baby is crying - which tells me my husband is out - because he wouldn't just let the baby cry if he was home and awake. He would have been in here in a second.

As I get up for my son, I think how, a few months ago, if I didn't want him to get up I would have said no stay, hold me and we would have ended up making love. And I would have said I loved him. Over and over again. And eventually he would have said it too.

Waking up with him used to be so romantic.

I noticed something strange. I noticed that I don't say I love my husband anymore. Not to him. And not about him. Not even to myself.

And he's stopped saying it, too. But then he was never as comfortable with that word as I was. Most of the time when he would say it, it would be because I said it first.

And now I am not saying it so I guess it's no surprise that he's not.

I am surprised at me. Is it because we've been together too long? Or because we're married? Or because we're parents? I don't know.

I just find it sad the way the word just seems to have quietly died between us.

I mean, it doesn't sound right anymore to say I love you or I love him about my husband.

I am struggling to understand why. And the thought that jumps out at me is that the word 'love' always comes linked to the word 'I'. And I think in terms of 'I' less and less these days. So much more often than 'I' now, it's 'we'. We went, we thought, we bought etc....

He does it, too.

'Have we forgotten to buy milk again?'
'Are we going out tonight?'
'Let's go to bed'
'Let's get up'
'Oh so we're doing that are we?', usually in reference to the conversation taking a turn he doesn't like.

Our son is not included in the 'we'. It's 'we' and 'he'. It's 'us' feeding him, or 'let's get him settled down to sleep' or 'do we get him this or that'. We, we & us. And he, he & him.

Oh my God. Help me! I have turned into a we!

What is wrong with me?

I don't think I'm suffering from post-natal depression. Even if I had any tendency to get depressed, I've had to fight so hard to be a mother that sheer relief that it finally happened would have overcome any such tendency. For me, this really is living in a dream come true.

Not particularly hormonal either. Am not irritable or overly anxious these days. At least not anymore than usual. I don't feel I am. And no one else has told me I am.

So what IS wrong with me? What is it that I think I saw that day? What? My husband having an affair?

No. If I thought that I would be angry with him. And am not.

What I feel is not anger. I am scared.

Maybe he wasn't in the middle of an affair when I saw him up there. And maybe he wasn't going up there everyday necessarily for that. But he would have enjoyed the attention. He would have felt attracted and flattered if she seemed to be attracted back.

What man wouldn't? That's just human nature. Even if he didn't take it any further than that, and I wouldn't expect him to, he would still get a kick out of it.

That's what scares me.

There was a time when this sort of incident would have made me think, yeah isn't he hot? And he's with me. I loved to show him off that way. I would have found it funny actually.

But now I can't find that feeling anymore. Possibly because I had it back when I felt as sexy as any of those girls. Because I knew I could flatter him and excite him anytime I wanted to. Because the chemistry between me and him was always so good.

And now I don't feel fun or hot or energetic at all. I feel fat and overtired and unattractive. I feel like I'll never be interested in sex again. Ever.

And then there was a time when K would never have let an incident like that pass without rubbing my face in it. He would have tried to tease me, to make me jealous, maybe to score a few points by drawing parallels with things I had done that made him jealous and saying you see how it feels?

This time, he didn't. Why?

I am scared that things between me and him will never go back to normal again. In that one minute standing there by the pool, I was infused with all his fears of how our lives would change if we had children. All the concerns he was expressing for years, all his reservations about starting a family too soon.

I am scared because if things don't go back to normal, there will be other girls at other poolsides, who are fit and viviacious and have no stitches or bleeding. And who DO want to have sex with him.

I am scared because I don't want my husband to fall out of love with me.

What do you do?

Got up pretty early this morning. I heard the baby crying from the other bedroom where he was sleeping with Mama. When I walked in, she was rocking him back to sleep, half-asleep herself. She told me to go back to bed, that he probably just had a bad dream or something.

Do babies have nightmares?

He did go back to sleep as I stood there watching. So did she. But I couldn't stay away. I wanted to hold him. So I picked him up. He sort of whined and stretched a bit more and then settled down again on my shoulder.

Walked around with him all over the house until I started to tire. So I went into my bedroom and set him down in his crib. Mama was right, as usual. It wasn't time to feed him yet and he didn't need a change. He was fine. It probably was just a bad dream.

It was only then that I realized my husband wasn't home. His cell phone was on the bedside table. Apart from the mosque, the only other place he would go without his phone was up on the roof, to the swimming pool.

Had a quick shower and changed. Then I went up to look for him. In the lift on the way up I realized that - apart from my time in the hospital - this was the first time I'd been out of the apartment since about a week before the baby was born.

Walking past the changing rooms and the health club on my out onto the poolside, I could hear her. A woman laughing.

She was on her way to the changing rooms so we practically ran into each other. A neighbor. One of a group of cabin crew who shared an apartment about 2 floors above us.

She stopped, said hi and congratulations on the baby etc....She told me they would stop by and see me, she and her roommates. And I said all the right things.

Then she left and I continued out a bit further onto the poolside until I caught sight of my husband in the water.

He was swimming like I know him. Doing lengths. So grim in determination. A man with a mission. You'd think he was training for the Olympics or sth.

It made me smile. But then my mind went back to that girl. No one else was there. They'd clearly been in the pool together. And she was laughing. Unless she was crazy, she wouldn't have been laughing unless he'd said - or done - something to make her laugh. She can't have been laughing by herself.

And once my mind started on that track, I couldn't stop. She was so tanned and fit and gorgeous in her bikini. And watching him, I was reminded of how good-looking he was. And how long it had been since we'd had sex. And how fat and sexless I felt these days.

In my head, I started counting how many times he'd been up to the pool lately.

I was reminded of something else. Something stupid I'd ignored at the time. A woman at the hospital had told me that this was her 3rd baby and she never lets her husband attend the birth because it puts men off sex with their wives.

And I thought how my husband had witnessed every gory minute of the birth of our son.

I felt so frightened. Cold, shivering, sickening fear.

Don't know how long I stood there before he saw me. He waved from the water. I didn't wave back. Just stood there staring, while he got out of the pool and walked over.

He looked so worried. And I found myself thinking why? Why was he worried?

I couldn't say anything to him. At that moment, I was afraid of him, of what I was thinking of him, of the horrible visuals I was suddenly having. And then I couldn't even look at him anymore. I had to turn around and get out of there.

I was practically running back to the apartment - and back into the safety of my bed. I just hid under the covers.

I heard him come into the bedroom and check on the baby.

And then he asked me what was wrong, if I was feeling ok.

I didn't want to tell him. Some things you fear so much that you can't bear to say out loud because saying them might make them feel more real.

So I just didn't say anything.

He went and woke Mama up and told her to come and see what was wrong with her crazy daughter, I guess.

I didn't tell my mother either.

He went swimming again this morning.

Adjusting

On the phone the night he spent in a neighboring Gulf state for the visa renewal, the same day we found out the baby's gender:

Me (on a friend of his who is having issues with his gf): Does he love her?
K : Yes. But when is love enough for you women?
Me : Of course it is.
K : No it's not. Yeah, you'll say that at first, that all you want is to be loved. But when you find someone who loves you to death, it's not good enough because then you want marriage, then one kid and then another and then a big house in the suburbs etc.... And then you forget you only wanted to be loved. And these other things wind up being what it's all about, not the guy himself anymore.
Me : K, that's not going to happen to us.
K : Tiftikri?
Me : For me, it will always be about you. The marriage was just a legal way for us to be together without having to look over our shoulder, or hurt other people I love very much. I wasn't looking for a husband when I met you. I married you because I couldn't stay away from you and I couldn't be with you any other way.
K : Yeah, I remember. That's how it started and...
Me : And that's how it's going to be. You're my husband because I love you. Not the other way around. Have I done anything to make you think my feelings have changed?
K : In the future, if things aren't as good between us as they are now, won't you be thinking I have to stay with him because of the kid?
Me: No. I'll be thinking I have to stay with him because I love him. We've had bad patches before. You and me is not always pretty is it? And there was no baby and am still here aren't I?
K : Well we haven't been together very long as relationships go, L. And most of it you spent trying to have a baby.
Me : And your point is?
K : I don't know. Doesn't matter now anyway.
Me : K, if it doesn't matter then why did you bring it up? If it's important enough for you to start something then why don't you finish what you started?
K : It's not that important.
Me : It's important to me. I want to know what's going on in your head. What are you so afraid of?
K : Afraid?

Inside, I am kicking myself. I should have known better than to suggest to Mr.Macho that he might actually have fears. I'll be lucky if that doesn't make him clam up again just to cover up what he would see as a lapse into weakness and sissyhood.

Fortunately it doesn't. Whew. Better be more careful next time.

Me : Then what exactly?
K : I just wish I could have had you to myself a little longer before we had to get into all this. Is that so bad?
Me : Oh K, you do have me. I wouldn't want to have your baby so much if you didn't have me. I never wanted children until you. I want your child because I want more of you. It's all the same thing. Why can't you see that?
K : More of me? You mean like a clone?
Me : Something like that. Only he won't be just a clone. He'll be his own person too. But he will always be a piece of you and a piece of me. A human being who exists only because we're together and we love each other. I mean, doesn't that blow your mind?
K : It does, when you put it like that. I guess this is all just going to take some getting used to.
Me : I wish you were here tonight.
K : I miss you too.
Me : See? We're still in love.
K : Sure we are. Sorry if I made it sound like we're not.

Later:

K : You still think the baby will look like me?
Me : Yes. All our children will look like you.
K : All our children? Na3am yakhti? How many are we having ISA?
Me : Just one ISA. K, it was just a figure of speech.
K : So what makes you so sure he will look like me?
Me : Am not sure wala shi. It's just a feeling.
K : I don't really want a clone you know.
Me : Even if he looks like you, he still won't be a clone. I mean, people are more than their looks. But I think it would be good if he looks like you.
K : Ishmi3na ya3ni?
Me : Because I think you're gorgeous. Your eyes, your smile, your coloring. You're just hot. You know that. Stop fishing for compliments.
K : Can't stop fishing now. I have to get what I can before the competition gets here.

He says it like he's joking though. So I decide to let it go.

On the phone from my office a day or two afterwards:

Me : How do you like (boy's name)?
K : Who?
Me : The name, K. For the baby.
K : Oh. I thought it was (another boy's name I mentioned to him the day before)?
Me : Well, I always like (first boy's name). Bas I like what this one means bil3arabi. And it's easy to pronounce for non-Arabs. Today I thought that since he's going to grow up in Europe, he shouldn't have to deal with everybody mispronouncing his name.
K : Yeah. Sounds like a plan.
Me : That's what you said when I asked you yesterday about the other name.
K : Ma3laish ista7milini. Ana sa3at kida ab2a mokarar wi momil.
Me : I didn't say that, K. I just wondered which one you like better.
K : They're both good names.
Me : Or maybe you prefer something else altogether?
K : No. Nothing comes to mind right now.
Me : Ok, let me put it this way. Am having trouble deciding between these two names. Can you help me? You know, being the father and all?
K : L, just go with both names. Lots of people have double names.
Me : I don't want to give him two names.
K : Well, then it sounds like you've already decided.
Me : Do you want to talk about this?
K : I thought we were talking about it.
Me : You're not contributing much.
K : What do you want me to say exactly?
Me : Tell me what you would like your son to be named. Come up with at least one idea of your own. You do that easily enough when other people consult you about their kids. Am your wife. This is your child. You should have at least one idea.
K : 7abibti, we still have 2 months, right?
Me : Yes?
K : So why do I have to answer this now?
Me : You don't have to do anything, K. I just thought you might want to.
K : You know, you should talk to my mother. She's got lots of ideas.

And I wanted to strangle him. Instead, I let it drop.

Late last night:

Me : What are you looking at?
K : You.
Me : Why are you staring like that? You've seen me before.
K : Not like this.
Me : Like how?
K : Don't think I've seen you as happy as you are these days. It's just nice to watch.
Me : 7abibi, aren't you happy too?
K : I am if you are.
Me : You know, you really scare me sometimes.
K : Leh ya 7abibi?
Me : You make me feel like am going to have to do this alone.
K : Do what?
Me : Raise our son, K. Be a parent.
K : Hey, come here.
Me : What?
K : Come back to bed.

So I do. And he takes me in his arms.

K : I will always take care of you, you hear? Always. Tool mana 3ayesh, you don't have to do anything alone. Not unless you want to. And maybe not even then if I don't like what you're going to do.

His lips are on my forehead at this point so I can feel him smile with that last bit. He's trying to calm me down, to defuse the tension.

I want to say to him but it's not just me I need you to take care of. It's not just about me and you anymore. There's someone else. Why isn't he as real to you as he is to me? Why can't you see him?

But I don't say any of that. Have been trying not to get frustrated with his lack of enthusiasm about impending fatherhood. It's the least I can do for him given how good he's been to me lately, how well he's taking care of me. My husband deserves that I should give him time, try to understand where he's coming from, to help him adjust.

Sometimes though, I do get a little sad and anxious for my baby. I want things to be perfect for him when he arrives. And a father who is still dragging his feet this late in the proceedings is not perfect by any means.

Seriously though, what makes some men so resistant to the idea of fatherhood? I mean, it's not like my husband is some wild, selfish, irresponsible adolescent worried that children will cramp his sytle. He's a grown man who has had family responsibilities for years. He's used to taking care of others and he is good at it. And he generally likes kids and is liked by them. So what is it about having his own children that puts him off?

Still, I can't help feeling optimistic these days. I am in such a good mood. Like he said, we still have 2 months. I'll keep working on him.

It's a boy:)

I knew it!I knew it! I knew it!

And everybody told me I was crazy.

We found out today. None of that waiting to be surprised stuff for me. I want to know as much as I can about my baby, as soon as I can. Every little piece of information makes him feel a little closer.

Funny I should worry about closeness when he is inside me, isn't it? He'll probably never be as close to me in his life as he is now.

But still I can't wait to see him, to get to know him, to hold him.

And God it feels good to finally be able to say him without qualification. He's a real person already, with a gender and everything.

I literally live for the scans - and his movements. I can't call them kicks because it doesn't feel like he's kicking me. It just feels like he's turning over to get comfortable. Maybe I am being fanciful but I think I can actually feel hands and elbows as well as feet now.

I wish I could get a scan everyday. Or more than one a day. I just have this need to see him. Only - indulgent though she maybe - I don't think my doctor would go along with that.

K is out of town tonight. He will be back tomorrow night. He had to leave the country to get a new visit visa. He's been illegal for over a week now with every day costing us money which could be better-spent elsewhere. But we've been going through this weird Siamese twins phase where 24 hrs seem like too long to not be together. So we just kept delaying his flight day after day until we finally managed to get him on that plane tonight.

I miss him tonight.

But am so excited about this latest discovery.

So to recap. I have a husband who is not only out of work - but who has also been an illegal alien for the last week or so. And I am about to quit my job. And I am 7 months pregnant.

It's quite likely our son will come into the world to find BOTH his parents out of work. What are the chances we will one day send this kid to Harvard?

And I can't remember when I've been happier in my entire life than I am today.

So I guess insanity is a common symptom of pregnancy huh?

Stability

That was supposed to be my husband's thing. I never thought of myself as someone who valued stability very much. The conventional wisdom is that I am too restless, too hyper, too neurotic for that.

But as I look back at the last 3 or 4 years, I can't help but feel a contrast. My life WAS stable for a very long time. Fast-paced maybe but still stable.

I mean, I lived with my family in the same city for 29 years. I went to the same school from KG until I graduated high school. And I had the same inner core of friends. Yes, there was limited interaction with all sorts of people but they were all really just on the fringes. Real friends, real connections didn't really change much after grade school. I mean, my best guy friends are my brothers and my uncle.

True, I went abroad for university but even then, my brother and quite a few of the same old friends and classmates were there with me. And they formed my inner circle there too. And I did more or less the same thing there I had been doing here. I brushed against a lot of people but didn't feel the need for most of them to really register. Too many of them were nothing more than an interesting conversation or argument, a pleasant shared activity, a night spent cramming for a test, a dance etc...Too many people who meant only one thing each.

And so I lived 5 years abroad - also in the same city - and I came back with the same friends I had before I left. Why did I do that? I don't know. Maybe because the whole time I was there I knew I wasn't there for good so I didn't want to get attached or get anyone attached to me?

Or maybe it is just my nature to be shallow?

Even love and relationships. Different though the circumstances of each crush/love affair, I only ever got involved or wanted to get involved with people in that same tigh-knit circle. A cousin and two childhood friends. All the men I ran into and was accused of flirting with. All the strangers I felt instant violent attractions to and drooled over with my girlfriends. And yet I would only ever consider getting involved or have real feelings for men I've known more or less since birth.

Then there's my career. A little uncertainty at first. Two or 3 very short tenures at this company or that bank. And then I found a place to get attached to and I stuck like a leech. No amount of hassle or abuse could dislodge me. My entire career is tied to one company.

I think my relationship with K was the one big aberration. For me of all people to fall so hard so fast for a stranger out of nowhere? Who would have believed it?

And it seems like it was some sort of turning point. He was such a fundamental change and he came at a time when everything else was changing too. My family moved away for one thing. My old, tight-knit circle isn't as tight-knit as it used to be as various members moved away or got married, started families and became wrapped up in their own lives.

The miscarriage was my next earthquake. I'd had such a sheltered life, alhamdulillah, such little experience of real loss. And then all the fallout. The way my greatest fear - motherhood - suddenly became my greatest wish.

The way I went from never having lived on my own, to being married and then to living alone, to the single life I guess I missed out on by going from my father's house to my husband's in the time-honored, Arab traditional way. Only I became Bridget Jones AFTER I got married.

And now, getting pregnant. And moving away from all the things that provided the stability I've had all my life.

The last few years of my life have had more action, more pain, more joy, more passion packed into them than my entire life.

Sometimes I have moments - like tonight - I'll be looking at my husband sleeping and I'll want to shake him awake and say to him - who are you? Where did you come from? Did I really sign my life over to you? Am I really going to have your child? And am I really going to let you uproot me from everything that ever gave me the least bit of stability or familiarity in my life and take me away somewhere where YOU will be all I know, my only anchor? You know what? I am not as anti-stability as I thought. Me, the commitment-phobic, the claustrophobic. I am not independent. I depend very much on my family and my friends and my company and my city. I am not wild and adventurous. There's no sense of adventure, of looking forward to what is going to happen to me as a new experience. None of this is me. It's not me to fall for a stranger and follow him to the ends of the earth. I don't want the new experience. I want the things I know. And I'm scared.

Sometimes I really can't believe the last 3.5 years.

This and That

Everyone told me that I would experience cravings while pregnant. But the reverse is happening. I am going off an increasing number of foodstuffs. It's not that I have no appetite. That's all in the past now. I still wake up feeling nauseaous in the morning but it goes away as soon as I get up and start moving about.

But I can't eat pizza anymore for example. We would order a pizza with all my favorite toppings from my favorite restaurant and I would be starving. But the minute I take a bite and see that sticky mozarella stretching out all white it just feels icky and I don't want it anymore. Still hungry though so we wind up having to order something else for me.

It happens when we go to restaurants too. I used to love sweet and sour sauce. Sweet and sour chicken was one of my favorite chinese dishes. And spring rolls dipped in sweet and sour sauce. But last night we went to a Chinese restaurant for dinner and I ordered my usual. Hot and sour veggie soup for starters and then sweet and sour chicken. And the same thing happened. I took one bite of my chicken and suddenly the sweet flavor was sickly.

Lost in conversation with my husband though, I pushed the chicken dish aside and just ate the rice side dish. When I finished that, I was still hungry. So I tried to eat the chicken again. And again I couldn't manage more than one bite.

K: Eh? Mabtaklish leh? (Why aren't you eating?)
Me: Ma3rifsh. Jo3ana. (Don't know. Am hungry.)
K: Tab koli. (So eat)
Me (feeling bad because I keep doing this): I don't know. I don't think I like sweet and sour anymore.
K: Wala yihimik(Don't worry). Wanna try mine?
Me: Maybe.

So we shared his food. And once we were done with it, we were both still hungry. So he ordered one more of the same. And because I wasn't sure I wanted more seafood, he ordered a couple more dishes just to make sure something will work for me.

The waiter must have thought we were nuts. I love my husband for not getting impatient when I do this because it seems to get on a lot of other people's nerves.

I also can't seem to eat anything I cooked myself. It's like once I see, touch and smell raw food, I can't get those sensations out of my mind. So when it's all cooked up and ready to eat it still tastes and smells raw to me. So we sometimes wind up having to order food after I've cooked.

Other foods I can't eat anymore:

1) Chocolate cake.
2) Vanilla ice cream.
3) Mayonnaise.
4) Eggs of all types.
5) Lamb.

No.5 we learnt because of Eid. In keeping with religious ritual and tradition, we slaughtered a lamb yesterday. I don't mean we actually did it. My husband went out and bought one and had it slaughtered and carved up and brought the meat home. And with help from my aunt, cousins and friends, I cooked most of the meat. One third of it had to be given away to the poor so my husband took it to the mosque. The other third we gave away to family and friends. He also delivered those house to house.

The last portion is supposed to be ours. But it is still too much food for just the two of us. And my husband doesn't eat frozen meat so deep-freezing any of it wasn't really an option. So in keeping with tradition, we had both my uncles, their wives, my cousins, my friends, his friends and their partners/spouses for lunch.

I did most of the cooking but couldn't eat a bite of lamb. Wound up having the soup, salad and some rice. And then lots of deserts. Thank god I didn't make any of the Eid sweets!

I don't know if it was the lamb or the fact that I had to cook it myself. But after yesterday, I just find the idea of lamb completely unappetizing.

At this rate, with 4 months to go, I'll find myself with a ravenous appetite and nothing known to man that I can actually bear to put in my mouth.

In other news, me and my baby are getting to be quite good friends. I can now hear the heartbeat quite clearly at the doctor's. My husband even thinks he can hear it sometimes if he puts his head to my stomach.

And this baby looks a lot more human now in the scans. I can see the fingers of both hands which is really cute and just makes my heart turn over. I feel even more strongly now that it's a boy. We don't know the gender yet officially but I mean, he just LOOKS like a little boy to me.

It's more than a little frustrating that my visa wasn't finalized before the holidays because now with so many holidays, it is unlikely anything final will be completed before next year. K and I decided that if we don't get to leave in the next month or so, we want to wait until after the baby is born. It's a long flight and neither one of us wants to chance it if I am further along than 7 months. Most airlines don't allow you to fly if you're 6 or 7 months along anyway. I don't really like the idea of going into labor in-flight - particularly not premature labor.

At any rate, we have now been officially informed that my application is approved. It is showing as approved on the website. But we still have to wait to receive some papers in the mail and then get an appointment for one more interview at the embassy.

It's good because it means I might not have to change doctors. I am really comfortable with my doctor and wasn't looking forward to having to get used to someone new so late in the pregnancy.

But it is tough on my husband though because there are frequent rows with his sister for not taking care of their parents as she should. She means well really. She's a good kid and she loves her parents. She is just not very disciplined. And K is extremely disciplined so they clash over things like missed doctor's appointments and her taking the car and going out with her friends all day and leaving her mother stuck at home with no car in bad weather etc....Stuff like that. Sometimes I think he is being too tough on her. To the point where she might just get intimidated and bail out and leave it all to him. And other times, I really have to share his frustration. Mostly I try to keep the peace.

There's an underlying fear that something bad will happen over there while he is here with me. And that he might then never forgive me for being the cause of his not being there.

There is also sadness because I can't go out and decorate a room for my baby. I see so much adorable baby stuff and I would have wanted the perfect nursery. But what's the point in doing that here when we're leaving either before or immediately after the birth?

We will be staying with his parents for the forseeable future. At least until we find a buyer for his house so we can buy something closer to them. Property markets worldwide aren't great at the moment so that maybe sometime. And I accepted that without complaint. It felt like the least I could do for him, given how well he is taking care of me and how worried he is about his parents.

But the idea of leaving the apartment we got married in to go and live in a room - or even a couple of rooms - in somebody else's house is still hard to accept. Last time we were there, privacy was such an issue that I was scared of having sex incase we were overheard which would have been mortifying to me. I mean, who wants to be overheard by your in-laws? That's such a passion-killer.

Even private conversations, we would be whispering inside our room sometimes. The rooms on the top floor are all so close together. I mean, after having this big apartment to ourselves, that is going to be one big adjustment.

I have to admit that dealing with his father's condition from such close quarters is also something I am dreading. Last time, I found it difficult to even be in his father's room. I hope I will be strong enough to help as much my husband needs me to.

I know he is feeling bad about everything I am having to give up because of his family situation. And what I've said to him is that as long as we can stay together I will put up with anything and do my best to help and not be in the way.

I mean it too. I know my new situation is going to take some getting used to but the bottom line is I will do it for him. Everytime I feel that flutter in my belly I think I would do anything for the man who is responsible for it. Anything, that is, except let him get away from me again.

10 Things I had forgotten how much I loved about my husband

In no particular order:


1) No matter how mad he might be at me, he can't seem to keep himself from reaching out for me in his sleep . Doesn't matter if he's not speaking to me or if he went to sleep giving me his back. Once he is in a deep sleep he will reach out and at least place a hand on my waist or my arm if I am too far away for him to hold me.

A few times I've been mad enough at him to move away. But then when I woke up in the morning he'd reached out during the night and it had happened again.

I don't know what it means really. That he forgives me in his sleep? Because it doesn't seem to make him anymore forgiving once he's awake.

But it is so sweet and it is something that couldn't happen from half-way across the world. It was so hard when he was overseas and we would fight and he would withdraw. I wouldn't even have these little touches to compensate through the emotional starvation.

2) If I admire him or compliment him he gets really embarrassed. All I have to do is stare at him adoringly from across the room when he's talking to people and the body language will start to change and project discomfort. Then he'll come up and ask me to knock it off.:)

I love giving him compliments about his looks and gushing over him with people around BECAUSE I know how much it embarrasses him. He is just so cute when he's all embarrassed and not Mr.Cool.:)

Although with him it doesn't seem to make much difference whether there are people around or not. Even if we're alone together, compliments embarrass him unless they're frankly sexual. Then they turn him on. That's his cocky-sexual-predator mode.

But yeah, don't talk to him about his cute smile or generous heart.

3) How helpful he is around the house without being asked and without complaint - especially now that am pregnant. If he's not home and I say am going to clean, cook, do laundary etc...he'll say wait for me I'll help you. If he's around he'll sometimes try to talk me out of household chores if he's not in the mood. If I insist, he will always come with me.

I mean, he's not the greatest at this sort of stuff. He can't cook to save his life. And if he goes grocery-shopping he'll get all the wrong stuff. And if he's washed one of the bathrooms, he won't rinse properly and there will be detergent on everything.

All of which tells me that he's used to being waited on.

And so it means even more to me that he never lets me work alone. We always work around the house as a team. And even incases where I wind up having to do things again because he hasn't done them properly, it doesn't FEEL like work when he's around me. It is fun.

4) This one may not sound like a positive. My husband acts a little territorial when we're out socially. He's not shy about telling other men off for anything he considers stepping out of line with me - even just for swearing infront of me.

But in a work situation, he always lets me handle things my way with colleagues/visitors etc...I used to be nervous whenever he would be hanging around my office because his usual, that's-my-wife-so-you-better-watch-your-step-a****** attitude would have been particularly mortifying - especially in my work culture where I have been working so hard for years to make people forget that I'm a woman.

My best friend M - who is also a work colleague - noticed this and brought it to my attention last week. She's not someone who normally gets along with K very well mainly because she feels he acts too protective and overbearing when we are all out together. She said if I can get him to behave everywhere the way he behaves at work then it would be great.

Seeing him at my office, respecting my space, trusting me to take care of myself socially etc....makes me feel like a mother watching her little boy try to make her proud by being on his best behavior. I feel pleased even if unable to explain the good behavior or guarantee similar good behavior in the future.

Of course when I ask, he DOES get all embarrassed and dismissive, the way he normally does when he's done something right and is expecting me to go gushy on him any minute. See no.2 above.

5) He's great with my family - particularly my mother who can be a bit tricky because she was so angry with him for leaving me on my own. He is endlessly patient with her and never fails to reassure her and even make her laugh.

I am not as good with his family as he is with mine. Not that I don't love his mother because I do. But I am just not as patient a person as he is. Something I have to keep working on.

6) He once told me he thought I should have the things that I want, meaning material things. Which is one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me. And he means it, too. If I say I want something, no matter how stupid, then sooner or later he'll generally try to get it for me. If I refuse to give him all the details BECAUSE I don't want him to buy it for me, he'll still try. He'll go out and get the wrong thing but it's like he just has to get something.

I have to be careful about that actually because I know financially we're not at our best these days and he can be really crazy that way.

7) Having my fears and worries laughed away. Just having him around calms me down because he is so not the worrying type and that immediately makes everything look less worrisome.

It's like the only thing I have to worry about when he's with me is him when the relationship isn't going well or whatever because he makes all my other worries about other stuff go away. Whereas when he wasn't here everything was just so much scarier no top of all the relationship stress of long-distance.

8) All the different names he calls me. He'd stopped using most of them when he was away.

9) His foot massages.

10) His appetite. He is such a pleasure to cook for.

Talking

Me: So you're really staying?

Him(smiling): You ask me that everyday.

Me: Well?

Him: The answer is that's the plan. Unless something happens.

Me: Inshallah khair.

Him: Ameen.

Me: Thanks for sharing your plans.

He gives me a look and chooses not to answer. I really can't help what came out next.

Me: K?

Him: Aiwa?

Me: I don't believe you.

Him: Eh da mish momkin. Ya sheikha 2ooly kalam ghair da.

Me: I should have known you'd just make fun.

Him: Ma ana 3arif in inti mish bitsada2i(I knew you wouldn't believe it). 3ashan kida ba2alik kteer btisa'ali wi ba2ali kteer mish 3ayez arod 3laiki(That's why I didn't want to answer). Mish 3arif assassan btisa'ali leh winti mitgawiza wa7id kadab belshakl da (I don't know why you bother to ask when you're married to such a liar).

Me : La ya K. Am not calling you a liar.

Him: 7ilw 2wi(Good). Motashakireen ya sitti(Thanks). 7aith kida ba2a lama a2oolik ini hafdal gambik tisada2ini(So you should believe me). Wi tseebik ba2a min film elro3b illy inti mish btizha2i mino da(and stop living in fear).

Me: I don't think you mean to lie to me. But like you said, you have plans. You always do. You're not so great at sharing them, though. If things change, you will make new plans and there's no reason for me to think I'll get a vote then. I mean, I didn't get a vote when you decided to leave. Or when you decided to come back. Like you've been saying these past few days, you'll stay as long as you want to. And I don't know how long that is. It's scary to feel I have no control over my own life like that. Especially now.

Him: Yah danti shayla mini 2wi.(Wow you've really been holding grudges)

Me (tearing up): Am not just trying to be selfish or to get my own way or whatever. I just really don't think I get along too well without you, K.

I hear him muttering what sounds like a curse. And I think, great, I've ruined yet attempt at a real convo by turning on the waterworks, which he hates. But when I look up he's holding out his arms. I go over and he pulls me down on his lap, holding me tight. I manage to stop crying.

He doesn't say anything. Really doesn't say much of very much, does my husband.

Me: Do you always have to do what you want?

Him: What I want, L, what I always wanted, was to be with you. That's what I wanted. We both wanted the same thing. Why can't you see that? The conflict was between what we both wanted and what I thought was right.

Me: So you think it's wrong for you to be here now?

Him: Not exactly. You're my wife, you're pregnant. Inti kaman liki 7a2ik wana mish 3ayiz afdal azlimik ma3aya aktar min kida. But my parents need help and N (his sis) is so flaky sometimes. It's not a good situation. But hey, I can't be in 2 countries at the same time. We just have to make the best of things and hope we won't be stuck here too long. Wi rabina yostor.

Timing

This morning I opened my eyes just in time to see him open his eyes. We woke up together, literally. Almost.

I can't believe he's here.

I can't stop saying that to him.

Now it's almost 2:00 am. He just fell asleep. And I am sitting here torn between waking him up so he can eat the sandwiches he said he wanted and then fell asleep in the time it took me to make - and just watching him sleep. I can't decide which I want to do more and it actually hurts that I can't do both.

It's been so long since I've had options like that.

Two pillars of my existence these days: that he's here and that am pregnant. And it's like I have to state both facts for myself a hundred times everyday for fear that all of a sudden through some unseen twist of fate they would both cease to be true. After all, for years, they were not and I'd gotten used to that I guess.

I am afraid, yes.

I am afraid.

Tough

Ramadan has been tough without you.
Eid will be tough without you.
Being pregnant is tough without you.
Life is tough without you.

And I'm not feeling so tough without you.

This is me feeling weak. More so than ever before.

Only you can do that. Only you can make me feel so weak, so helpless, so forgotten, so insignificant that I want to crawl into a corner and hide.

This voice on the phone. Is that really you?

It's not what you promised me.

It's not what I signed up for when I married you. This disembodied voice coming out of my handset.

Sometimes it hurts so much to have to listen to it.

Sometimes I can't take it because the voice on the phone is you actively engaged in the act of not being here, the act of being distant, out of reach, out of touch, out of sight, out of every sense except one.

Talk about sensory deprivation. That's how it feels sometimes.

It's not fair.

This is so unfair.

And because it is so unfair sometimes I don't want to be tough.

Being tough means accepting that this is happening.

Being tough means accepting that this is allowed.

Being tough is what I do every second of the day now.

Except every now and then, I stop and think wait, why am I doing this?

Why am I working so hard to make it ok for you not be with me?

Why am I working so hard for something I don't want, for something I hate so much?

Last night I hated you.

For making me do this.

I hated you so much that hearing you laugh on the line made me see red.

I didn't want you to laugh. I didn't want you to be happy.

You know, I've never felt that before. I've never been this angry just because someone sounded happy. I've never wanted with so much passion for another human being to be unhappy. I've never been this selfish, this hateful, this vindictive, this EVIL. I never knew I had all this buried somewhere in me.

And so I hung up.

I'd had enough of your voice, distracted, amused, responsive to those around you, impatient with me.

I had nothing to say to you.

I missed you. Then I hated you. Then I called you. And I hated you even more. And I missed you even more.

Does that make sense? To hate someone more than you've ever hated another human being - knowing all the time that you want them more than you've ever wanted another human being, knowing all the time that they matter more than everyone else in the world put together?

Sometimes you make me want to not feel, not think, not be.

Sometimes you make me want to fade into nothing.

كنت باشتاقلك وانت هنا وانا هنا
بيني وبينك خطوتين
شوف بقينا إزاي يا حبيبي
انا فين وإنت فين

والعمل إيه العمل
ما تقول لي أعمل إيه
والأمل إنت الأمل
تحرمني منك ليه

عيون كانت بتحسدني على حبي
ودلوقتي بتبكي عليا من غلبي

وفين إنت يا نور عيني
يا روح قلبي فين
فين أشكيلك فين
عندي كلام وحاجات
فين دمعتي يا عين
بيريحني بكايا ساعات
بيريحني بكايا ساعات

باخاف عليك
وباخاف تنساني
والشوق إليك
على طول صحاني
غلبني الشوق
وغلبني
وليل البعد
دوبني

Bubble

So the 6th week has come and gone without incident. And the doctor says I am doing well.

Still no new symptoms though. Just the sleeping and the dreams.

Telling my husband and my family has made it real. I believe it now.

I am a pregnant woman. I have a due date. And regular doctor's appointments. And prenatal vitamins to take.

I am forbidden to smoke. And I can't be prescribed certain medications.

It's really true.

And now I can finally say I am happy. Warm, tingly, giggly, hug-myself kind of happy.

A simple, uncomplicated feeling.

Like floating inside a bubble.

But a pretty resilient bubble because things that would normally aggravate me just seem to slide off without piercing through and getting to me.

And I have all sorts of new habits and pastimes that give me immeasurable pleasure.

1) Taking my clothes off, staring at myself in the mirror, looking for changes, in reality, looking for the baby. I can do this for ages.

2) Talking to the baby. Not the sort of silly incoherent babble I use when I talk to other people's babies. Really talking. Sometimes in my head and sometimes when am alone, out loud. It's strange how much I find I have to say.

3) Following up from no.2, I am no longer afraid to be alone. Infact I like being by myself. I love my privacy these days.

4) Buying baby stuff. I am a shopaholic again. The fact that everything I buy I will have to pack is no longer a put-off. I would buy - and pack - the whole world for my baby. No sweat.

5) Buying groceries and cooking for myself.

6) Looking at my husband's baby pic - which is back over our wedding photo in the frame on the bedside table.

I just woke up actually. Was dreaming I was in bed with my husband. Like most of my dreams these days, it was so vivid I could feel his weight on top of me. Then the air which always feels so cold on the vast areas of my skin that had been covered by him when he would move away from me. And I woke up out of breath and covered with goosebumps.

Lay there for a bit before I realized I was alone. Normally a dream like that would have brought me to tears - of loneliness and frustration. Alternatively, it would have made me call him and pick a fight with him. Today it made me smile. That was a GOOD dream, I thought. Why did I ever react so badly? And then all sorts of memories came flooding in. All involving me, my husband and this bed. And for once, I enjoyed them.

Even though he is not with me, even though we're rapidly reaching the point where the time we spent apart is as much as the time we spent together as husband and wife, he is there and he is mine.

And now I am going to have his baby.

:)

Moments

Me : Hello?
Him: Fainak ya wa7ishni?
Me : K.
Him: 3iyoon K. Eh ya 3am? Ma btrodish leh?
Me : Sorry 7abibi. Have you been calling a lot?
Him: Inti nayma?
Me : Yeah.
Him: Hiya eh el7ikaya?
Me : Ay 7kaya? 3adi nayma.
Him: Aiwa nayma leh wi ezay ya3ni? Min imta da?
Me : Geez. Don't freak out just because I slept!
Him: I'm getting worried here.
Me : K 7abibi kol elnas tnam.
Him: Aiwa malna i7na wi mal elnas? Matghayarish elmaowdoo3. Elnas 7aga winti 7aga tanya khalis. Howa ana tayeh 3anik?

This made me laugh. Am married to someone who takes it for granted that I'm a walking freak show. If I do an average everyday thing like go to sleep at a reasonable hour he gets confused.

Me: So did you miss me?
Him: I get a little worried when you don't pick up.
Me : Why? I'm probably just sleeping or not near the phone.
Him: But you always answer your phone! What the hell!

He sounds even more confused.

Because when he's not with me am always watching my cell. My friends keep asking why I act like it's the end of the world if he rings and I don't answer on the first ring. But I decide he doesn't need to know that.

Me: So how is your father?

Silence.

Him: L., my father hasn't got the kind of condition that changes from day to day. You don't need to ask me that everyday.
Me : 7abibi, mahma kan Allah ghalib.
Him: Wani3ma billah. Bas i7na mish sogyareen ya3ni. Mish hanid7ak 3ala nafsina.
Me : Tayeb your mother? How is she doing?
Him: Ah. El7amdullilah kwaisa.
Me : Do you want to talk about this?
Him: No.
Me : Khalas 7abibi. Ana asfa. I7keeli 3anak inta.
Him: 2wi 2wi ya roo7i. T7ibi ti3rafi eh?
Me : When am I going to see you again?
Him: Aiwa imsikeeni ba2a min eleed illy btiwga3.
Me : T3ibt min elsafar?
Him: Howa ana lama bab2a m3aki bab2a msafir? Elmafrood ini fi baiti.
Me : Is that a trick question?
Him: Ya sitti. Wala trick wala 7aga. Asl illy eedo filmaya mish zay illy eedo filnar.
Me : Ana eedi filmaya?
Him: La. Bas ana eedi filnar.
Me : Salamtak min elnar.
Him: Tislameeli. Hah bardo mish 3ayza t2ooli malik?

And I really, really wanted to tell you then. But I let the moment pass. And now I feel like somehow I will regret it.

Sad.

Love is Blind

I go off birth control. I don't tell him. I want to get pregnant even though I know it's not what he wants. And it doesn't work. Instead, I find myself in hospital with a really bad case of PMS.

I am disappointed and terrified that something is wrong with me and I'll never be a mother . I get angry at him for some reason. I shut him out, choose not to tell him I'm sick. I let him find out in an angry phone call from my parents who will always think he should be taking better care of me.

So what does he do? He is sweet and polite to my parents, completely charming them.

Then when we talk and the whole thing comes out, he tries to understand my pov. And barring that one phone conversation, he never brings up the issue again.

He doesn't ask me if I'm on anything right now. And he doesn't take precautions either. We never discuss birth control anymore.

I don't know what that means really.

Then I turn to retail therapy, max out my credit cards and get into debt. Serious Debt. Everyone tells me I'm being irresponsible. I tell me I'm being irresponsible.

And I don't tell him until things are pretty much out of control. He doesn't tell me that this is a bad time, that he's out of work etc....He doesn't say very much really. Just goes away for a couple of days and comes back to tell me that if we settle everything now, we'll save on interest and finance charges so we might as well. And so he does.

No lectures. No recriminations. Doesn't even ask me not to do it again. Doesn't seem to be at all worried I'll do it again. Still trusts me with everything he owns.

Of course, I won't do it again. I have learnt my lesson. Besides, shopping now means more stuff to pack and dispose of which is not tempting at all.

Only I never said that to him. And he never seemed to need me to.


Then I turn into this crazy party girl, out on the town every night til all hours. And again, he is the last to know. This time he does get angry. And he does ask me to stop.

But he doesn't think any worse of me for it. I don't see the value of that, until it is brought to my attention, that an awful lot of people do think the worst of me because of it, that there's been a lot of gossiping and talking behind by back.

Close friends are asking me if I want to ruin my marriage, do I know what my husband would think if he could hear all this stuff, that no man would put up with it, that he couldn't possibly still trust me etc....

So I tell him what I've been hearing. I decide I don't want it hanging over my head.

His only comment is to ask me for the names of the guys who have been talking about me. I ask him if he thinks I'm stupid. And the whole thing turns into a joke, with him trying to trip me up in conversation and get the names from me etc...and me saying how juvenile I think he's being etc....

Finally he comes out to see me - after months of being apart and me nagging at him to come and see me. And instead of jumping and screaming for joy and giving him a proper welcome like any sane wife would, I stare at him like an idiot and then fall asleep on him.

And he is not disappointed. It's almost freaky. Like he was expecting my reactions. Like he was with me the whole time, like he knew exactly what I'd been going through before he came.

Is love blind? Is that why even though he knows that I keep things from him, he never fails to believe me when I need him to, when I am telling it all? Is it why, when I can't think of excuses for myself, I find that he can? Is it why, seeing the worst of me, he keeps on believing the best of me? Is it why - when he and I have what everyone agrees are the worst communication patterns ever and don't talk nearly as much as we should about everything we should, leaving far too many things unsaid -we are still so close?

Is ours a relationship built on self-delusion? Is that what love ultimately is? Self-delusion?

Not So Bad

Tuesday 1/7/2008, dinner, sometime after 10:00pm:

Me : I thought you were going to cook for me.
Him: oh no, that's not what I said. I said I would feed you. You're not disappointed are you?
Me : Disappointed? 7abibi la tab3an! This is perfect. This place you know how much I love it.
Him: I remember.
Me : And I get to dress up for you.
Him: Yeah I noticed.
Me : And?
Him: And what?
Me : What's the verdict?
Him: You look lovely. Ana asif. You shouldn't have had to ask that.

He sounds really embarrassed and crestfallen - which makes me smile. He's so cute sometimes, like a little boy who really made an effort and would be crushed if you tell him he didn't get it absolutely right.

Me : It's ok. Thank you for bringing me.
Him: Yeah and who knows? I might even ask you to dance later.

He says that but he's hoping he won't have to. He hates dancing really.

Him: Why are you smiling?
Me : You like to dance about as much as you like to cook.
Him: I'll do both - if you want me to.
Me : You would?
Him: Just say the word.
Me : When?
Him: We can dance right now. I guess I can make you breakfast in the morning.
Me : Would love to dance with you. But I'll make you breakfast in the morning. I miss that so much.
Him: Please don't cry.
Me : It's ok. I won't. I'm really happy. Thank you for coming to see me.
Him: See? I'm not so bad.
Me : You're not bad at all.

You're the best. Should have said.

Sleepy

Was not a happy camper when I got up for work last Monday. So exhausted. Had had about 2 hrs of sleep. But I'd already missed Sunday because of the on-going attack of insomnia. Couldn't call in sick again.

To make matters worse, I'd fallen asleep on the smaller couch in the living room. We have a two-seater and a three-seater and I'd picked the two-seater to sleep on. Not comfortable for someone of my height. So I had all sorts of muscle cramps and a splitting headache to go with the sleep-deprivation.

But I dragged myself out of bed and into the shower all the same. The water helped a bit. Got dressed for work. Actually had the door open. But something made me decide I wanted to be late. I convinced myself a cup of strong coffee and two cigarettes would clear my head and make me a safer driver than I usually am in the mornings.

So there I was standing in the kitchen about to pour out the coffee when I heard the key turning in the front door. I just froze still holding the container of hot coffee out of the coffee maker over my mug. I'd given the spare key to my friend who was staying with me a while back but I distinctly remembered her returning it. And the only other person who had a key was supposed to be in Sweden.

But he wasn't in Sweden. I stood there as the door opened and I heard him come in. I didn't move when I heard the door close behind him. It was so surreal. I remember wondering if I was really awake yet or if all of this was happening in a dream. God knows I'd had enough of those dreams.

Then he was standing infront of me, taking the coffee container out of my hand and setting it down. Then taking me in his arms and just holding me, squeezing so hard it hurt.

I guess he sensed the unnatural stillness because the hug ended abruptly. Instead I felt his hands in my hair, pushing it out of my face and tilting my face up to him, the way he always does when he isn't sure what I'm thinking or is about to ask me questions he thinks I might not want to answer.

He asked if I was ok. All I could do was ask him why he didn't tell me. My voice sounded funny. I sounded like I had something in stuck in my throat.

He said he wasn't sure until the last minute that he could make it, and didn't want to tell me and then have to cancel. I asked if he couldn't have called me before he got on the plane. He said I would have been asleep. I said no I wouldn't have. He said well I didn't want to wake you if you were.

And he started talking, telling me when the idea came up, how he made all the arrangements sounding really pleased with himself. And at some point, I tuned it all out. Was just watching. I was so starved for that, for just looking at him.

At some point he realized I wasn't listening. He went silent for a second then said let me take you inside. I nodded my head. He leaned down and picked me up off the floor. I had the stupid thought he must really be here because I'm being carried around. No one else has carried me around since I was about 7 or 8.

The funny thing is, once we were in bed, sleep - which had completely eluded me for days before - suddenly descended on me. I literally couldn't keep my eyes open. I started crying in his arms because I so desperately wanted to sleep but just as desperately wanted him. He was saying it was ok, that he will stay with me, that we had time. I wanted to ask how much time but I fell asleep before I could.

I slept for almost 5 hours and woke up still in his arms.

He left this afternoon. We didn't have nearly enough time for everything I wanted to do with him.

And after those first 5 hours, I didn't sleep at all. 4 days. Not even when he slept.

So right now I'm back on the couch - the bigger one this time. Not yet ready to face the bed now that he's gone. I have sand inside both lids. Here's hoping I crash for a long, long time.

Cheese

It was our fourth date I think. A long time ago. Not the 4th time I saw him.

We'd been seeing each other as friends for about 3 months. Once or twice a week. As friends because that's what I said I wanted. He'd made it clear from day one that he was hitting on me and would continue to do so.

Then 3 months later I gave in and had to admit that the relationship simply wasn't shaping up to be 'just friends'. And yes that we were falling in love. After that, we started to see each other everyday.

And so this was our 4th official date as an official couple.

I was hanging around the clinic waiting for him to finish work. He was really busy that day and didn't get off on time. Which was unusual for him. He's like clockwork. Doesn't tolerate people being late for appointments, shows up for work on time and leaves on time.

Very unlike me too. I am always late for work. And when I get into something I can't drop it and leave it just because it's the end of working hours. I work holidays too if I feel like it, which is sacrilege to him. I take on projects because I like them, not because they fit into my schedule and so my schedule, if you can call it that, is usually pretty haphazarded.

But that day he'd been delayed at the hospital in surgery. And because he'd kept some of his appointments waiting, he told them that if they were willing to wait he'd see everyone. And quite a few them agreed to wait.

I sat in the waiting room and listened to his patients talking about him and smiling because there was a lot of good stuff. I felt so proud, like it was me who was getting the good reviews. Only the 4th date and I was already feeling this weird sense of affinity.

But as the hours dragged on, I started to get restless and stressed that it might get so late the date would never actually happen. It had to be the quickest addiction in history. If after seeing him for 3 days in a row, I could get so upset at the idea of not seeing him on the 4th.

I told myself to calm down, that he'd obviously had a gruelling day at work and would probably be too tired to go out, that I should get up and leave so he wouldn't feel compelled to take me out etc.....

And I did. I sent him a text message to the effect that am going home and would see him tomorrow. I guess he didn't see it right away because I was already in the car park infront of my house when he called me.

Him: Inti filbait? (Are you home?)
Me : Just arrived. In the carpark.
Him : Law tili3ti mish hayinfa3 tinzili tani sa7?(If you go upstairs you won't be able to come out again right?)

I looked at my watch. It was a little before midnight. He was right. My family was strange like that. The house rule was that I could stay out as late as I wanted provided I leave home at a 'decent' time which they defined around 9:00pm. It was weird. If I go out at 8:00pm and come back at 2 in the morning, that was fine. But 10:00pm to 11:00pm was to them a sure-fire indication that I was running wild, too Westernized and a threat to the family honor and social prestige etc.....Suffice it to say, if I were to step in through the door at midnight then that was it for the night.

Me: No I can't.
Him: And what would you like to do?
Me: What would you like me to do?
Him: I asked you first.
Me: I don't know.
Him: Tayeb why don't you come pick me up and we'll figure it out together?
Me: Are you still at work?
Him: Yeah.
Me: Not too tired?
Him: Just hungry.

So I passed by one of his favorite restaurants to get some take-out. For him, I ordered his favorite sandwich. I thought we could eat in the car and then drive around a bit and go home. We were both too tired to do much that night.

But then I noticed he wasn't eating his sandwich. Just picking at the fries and side stuff. Totally unlike him not to eat, especially when he'd said he was hungry. I knew by then that his appetite is the one thing you can always count on.

I asked him. And he said well, you ordered this with cheese, I don't eat cheese.

Cheese is practically the only foodstuff my husband simply will not touch. I think pizza is the only exception to that. I mean, he won't even touch a salad if you've sprinkled parmesan on it which I will never understand.

And I love cheese. All kinds. Cheesecake is like my favorite desert. And you should see the look on his face when I am eating it infront of him.

We ended up going back to the restaurant and eating there. And the take-out was thrown away.

After that, I became meticulous about keeping cheese out of his food whenever I ordered or cooked for us even as I made sure everything I ate had cheese in it.

It was the first time we reccognized and acknowledged the fact that our relationship was definitely an 'opposites attract' kind of situation. Cheese was our first hint.

So why is this on my mind today? I had a few friends over tonight and we ordered take-out. Without thinking as I gave my friend the order, I said 'a club sandwich no cheese'. And she gave me this 'You?No cheese?' look.

It's not that I forgot and thought he was there and was ordering for him. No. When I saw the look on her face I suddenly realized that ever since he left I've been eating everything without cheese. My favorite food in the world and I haven't had any in almost 10 months. Not only that, I haven't even missed it.

I don't like cheese anymore. What do you know? We finally have something in common!

When I told him, he said something to the effect that he hoped that wasn't my way of springing a 6-month pregnancy on him. I think for a minute in there, he was really worried he might have gotten me pregnant last time we were together and I decided to keep it from him! Couldn't resist torturing him a little with that but eventually took pity on him.

Really strange though. I read somewhere about how married people grow to be like each other, that in some cases they even grow to look like each other in their old age. But I thought that comes from living in proximity and not living long distance.

Staying In

So this is my first weekend at home. The evenings anyway. I got some housework and some packing done. And I had time to blog and watch TV - two things I haven't done in a long time.

There is still some dread about what I'm going to do late in the evening today. I start to get restless around 11:00pm everyday so we'll have to see how that goes.

It is hard to explain my mood. Am feeling a bit restricted. But also satisfied. There was this distance between me and K that seems to have disappeared now. I was starting to feel that he was so preoccupied with what he is going through that he had no attention whatsoever for me. I felt on the sidelines of his life.

But I wasn't. He HAS been paying attention. There is a sense of gratification when I hear him repeating things I told him, that he has been listening, that he remembers, that he's been thinking about what I say.

We talk a lot more easily now. It's like that last clash broke some accumulation of ice. And we're as close as we've ever been. And we can't stop talking. We hang up and then half an hour later one of us calls again. We're running up phone bills again and for the time being, we don't care.

From time to time, we do have peace that way. Things are back on track like none of the bad stuff ever happened, like when we first met and fell in love.

Speaking for myself, I don't know how long I can go on before I break down and have hysterics from the withdrawal symptoms. I wish I was strong enough not to keep doing this. I wish I was strong enough to keep my need for him from manifesting itself as burden on him. But how can I when it is such a burden on me? Too much of a burden for me to carry alone.

And knowing him, he has backed himself into a corner. He stepped up and said ok I'll handle this. And he pushed everyone else away. And he forced us all to live with his decision. And I know that despite some initial resistance, his family has accepted his decision. So now he can't complain. He has to be strong for all of them. His mother leans on him. His siblings lean on him. His father is mostly his responsibility in everyway. Basically he wanted to take over and he has.

But me, I'm his wife, I should have been the one person he always has to lean on. And I haven't been. I was so unsupportive of his decision that there was no way he was going to complain to me either. He was too busy listening to me complain and defending himself.

And he has reacted by distancing himself, disengaging, keeping me at arm's length. Which has only made me feel and act worse.

Slowly over the last few months I've had a change of heart. I've seen some things happen that have changed my mind.

So I tried to reach out to him. And got no positive response. Payback for not doing it as soon as he thought I should have? Lack of faith in my ability to keep it up, in that he can infact rely on me? Maybe a little of both. But now I finally seem to have made a breaktrhough.

So then what? Are we condemned to keep turning in this vicious circle with very brief and increasingly less frequent periods of calm like the one we're enjoying now?

I wish I can say I expect it to last. As much as it feels good when we are close, it's also painful because it just makes us want to be with each other more.

Speaking for me again, I think the answer is time. If it's going to be another one or 2 months then I think I can take it and behave myself and live up to all my present good intentions. But if it drags on and on, then I just don't know. Let's face it. I don't function well without him.

Would he bear with me when if and when I fail? He says yes. Would he not react by disengaging from the relationship? He responded to that by asking how I wanted him to react, what I expected from him.

What DO I expect from him? To stay with me, even if we're fighting. To give and take. To scream back if he needs to. To acknowledge my feelings. To reasssure me. To tell me why I'm wrong. To remind me of my good intentions. Anything other than to withdraw as if to say I'm not dealing with this, it's not a priority, if you're going to be that way then you're on your own.

I'm so tired of being on my own.

Controlling

It seems a long time since I posted this. Almost 3 years ago.

I did know it all along. But it didn't stop me falling in love with him. Should it have?