Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Sometimes One Person is Missing....

And the whole world feels depopulated.

Sometimes when I miss him to the point where trying to think about something else becomes an exercise in futility, I retreat into a dark corner and think about it.

I try to reason it out.

I take out all the different aches and pains & confusions & sort them out like I would with clothes when am cleaning out a cluttered closet.

Sometimes not fighting it, giving in to the inevitable and immersing myself in it actually works for me better than that famous stiff upper lip.

I didn't think you could miss just one person like this.

I mean, my whole family jumped town and I'll probably never get to live in the same continent as any of them ever again. That's hard. But not as hard as being without him for one month.

People I love have died or abandoned me & it hurt and it felt like the absolute worst. But this is worse.

I miss this one person more than all the other people I miss or have ever missed put together.

Why? Because he's the one you had sex with, my friends would say.

And yeah I miss the sex. Ours is a very physical relationship because my husband is not the kind of guy who is good at expressing love or tenderness verbally. When he talks, he's always so dry & cocky & macho & guarded.

He doesn't buy me flowers or give me flowery compliments or make speeches about how much I changed his life.I mean, going by what I heard from him, I made absolutely no difference in his life or I totally messed it up.

If I ask him why he married me, the answer will be something about my hair or my legs, different comments revolving around the fact that he married me for my looks. If I call him on it, he'll say he's joking of course but he won't explain any further than that.

He's never told me he was proud of me. Or that he's lucky to have me.

Getting him to say he loves me or misses me really is like pulling teeth.

And whenever he has actually admitted that he worries about me, it's always been in the middle of a fight in which am meant to apologize for forcing him to stoop so low as to utter such sacrilege.

These are all things most women would be quite used to hearing from their partner. But not me.

Even though I do say all of the above to him all the time. And I mean it too. Just embarrasses him to death.

A lot of the emotional support I DO get him from him is physical.

Or I get indirectly from little things he does without thinking on a day-to-day basis.

Which is why his physical withdrawal from my life is almost a complete withdrawal.

But sex is not why I miss him.

Sexual frustration IS currently the clearest most glaring manifestation of his absence from my life.

It doesn't explain why this absence is so crippling, though.

Labels: ,