Sunday, May 17, 2009

7 weeks

The baby is 7 wks old now. Born in the same month as his father but different horoscopes. My husband is a Taurus - and a pretty typical one at that. My baby is an Aries.

The stars say that on the good side, my son will be adventurous, energetic, pioneering, courageous, enthusiastic, confident, dynamic and quick-witted. On the dark side, he will be selfish, quick-tempered, impulsive, impatient, foolhardy and daredevil.


Such big words for such a tiny creature. Am being ridiculous I know. Just tempted to cheat time a little and try to get a sense of his peronality.

The thought just struck me all of a sudden that hey, he is a real person - with a birthday and a horoscope and everything.

He doesn't look a lot like K's baby pic - the one I was fixated on before he was born. That could be because K was 8 months old in that pic. Strangely enough, everyone thinks he looks like K NOW. The coloring, the eyes, some of the mannerisms. But am not seeing it. I see the eyes of course. They're pure K.

But I guess I was so focused on the little boy in the pic for so long that it's taking me a while to realize that this little boy doesn't actually look much like my husband now.

Oh, well. You can never really tell. My brother looked nothing like my father when he was little. Nothing. They didn't even look related because my father is blond and European-looking and my brother is dark-haired and dark-skinned, takes a lot after my mother's family. So when we were little, people would say my bro looks like my mom.

But when my bro was about 16 or 17, all of a sudden, he is the spitting image of my father. Like you made a mask of my father's face, colored it a bit darker, added a few aging effects and stuck it on my bro. And he grew to exactly the same height & build as my dad. And had the same shaped ears and legs. It was just freaky.

Same with my little sis, she's a fairer-skinned, younger-looking replica of my mother. Again, it is so odd to see two people look so much alike while at the same time looking like they're not even from the same race.

The rest of us take bits and pieces from both our parents but don't really look like either one of them.

It is all pretty random, isn't it?

I am surprised by how easily my son seems to fit into my daily life now - given the initial panic. My mother left us last week. I miss her a lot. And I know the baby does too. He kind of bonded with her and is still a bit whinier than usual whenever I try to put him to sleep.

But things are going so smoothly now. Maybe because my husband and I are both not working and so we have no other daily obligations? Or maybe because I was never much of a sleeper anyway so am not feeling the effect of sleep-deprivation new mothers usually complain about?

I mean, I seem to be awake most of the time anyway whenever the baby is. And his needs are so simple. He really doesn't take up as much of my day as I thought a newborn baby would. Infact, I often find myself bored while he's sleeping and wishing he'd get up and play.

Especially now that my mother is gone and the daily barrage of visitors and well-wishers has stopped. Serving and entertaining all these guests was a big part of what was keeping us so busy. People would come both to see my mother because they hadn't seen her in so long and to see me and the baby.

In a way, it was good for the baby. At the hospital, he was so anti-social and would cry whenever he was surrounded with a lot of people or someone other than me would try to pick him up. Now he loves the attention and unless he is sleepy or hungry - which makes him a bit fussy - he is ready to go to anyone who wants to hold him.

My husband and I try to keep that to a minimum though. Babies are so fragile at that age and some people really don't know how to hold babies which drives us nuts. Or when someone who clearly has a bad cold tries to pick him up. That makes me FURIOUS. It's just so inconsiderate. I would never go near a small child when I'm sick like that.

I leave it to K to tell people no on occasions like this. He is much better at telling people no without offending them than I am.

A lot of the time, the baby just sleeps in his pram or his crib. Noises don't seem to wake him anymore. He'll sleep when we have the TV on, when we have guests, or when we're out. And the car seems to have a really soothing effect on him.

For the last week or so, we've had no guests so we've been going out almost everyday - either for a meal or shopping or just for a drive. We have to be careful of course. No sheesha places. No smoky restaurants or bars. We have to find clean, child-friendly places to go to.

But music or other loud noises don't seem to scare him anymore. And all our friends think he's really cute. He's the youngest child in our circle right now and so is the always the star and the main topic of conversation. And he seems to be ok with it. Which is cool - that he is as outgoing as his mother. I mean, I can tell we're really going to get along.:)

Alhamdullilah, we seem to have been blessed with a really sweet-tempered child.

Then there is my husband. What can I say? The way he suddenly switched from not wanting children to being a full-time, engaged, loving, PERFECT father. All my friends say am lucky for how involved he is and how much he helps out. K was actually changing the baby and bathing him before I did - when I was so sick.

But of course, we don't talk about it. He gets all evasive and embarrassed whenever anyone brings it up. Am happy to leave it alone though. I mean, I got what I wanted really, and more. So what's there to nag about? Enough nagging and arguing was done before the baby was born. Am all argued out about this particular subject.

As of last week, we started having sex. A few days after the doctor said we could. That was an awkward interview with the doctor. I mean, my doctor is a sweetheart and I love her to death but she's never been exactly shy. A little on the crude side infact.

The two of us had not even talked about having sex in months. I hadn't even changed infront of him in AGES because I felt fat and just didn't want him or anyone to see my body in the current state.

And then we go for a doctor's appointment and she chooses to throw that at us. We were having trouble looking at each other in the car. All of a sudden there was all this tension. Like what are we supposed to do now? Go home and have sex?

I didn't feel ready. I didn't feel ready to talk about how not ready I am. And I didn't know if he even wanted to. And I just didn't want to talk about it.

I think we both felt the pressure of how our physical relationship was before and the feeling that we were more or less starting from scratch now and would we ever be able to live up to what we had before and just not knowing what to expect from now on in that quarter.

Not surprisingly, nothing happened that day. I missed my mother so much. I mean, having her around created a buffer. We didn't have those endless hours of being alone at home together. Where do you hide? How do you avoid anything?

Then I guess he decided he'd had enough of us tiptoeing around each other and that we needed to get over it. And so he picked a moment when I was sleeping, off-guard and just didn't give me time to think about it. I'd forgotten how good he was at that.

It felt good to be held and touched by him again. Something I really missed. After the first time and once I was fully awake - it was like a dam burst. We couldn't get enough of each other and wanted to try all the things we used to do just to see if we could still do them.

But we're not out of the woods yet. It hurts. Not unbearable pain. Kind of like being a virgin again. Or the way it would sometimes feel inside when we'd done it too much, too fast or too hard and my body was trying to tell me it needed a break. Not that I ever listened. Back in my old life, that soreness actually used to be a turn-on in a way. It would just make me want more. I was such a slut.:)

Not so now. Now it scares me and makes me freeze up - because the memory of how much more pain there could be is still fresh in my mind.

He's much more ok with that than me. He says we can take it slow, that we have time, that there are always things we could do. A no-brainer really. Not like I didn't know he would wait for me.

I am the one who is freaked out, because I want everything back and I want it NOW. I don't like to feel him being careful with me because it makes me feel less than I used to be. I used to be a match for him, we used to be equals.

It's hard to feel that he has to hold back, that I may not be satisfying him like I used to, or that he might get bored and frustrated if this continues. A friend of mine back home had a C-Section 5 months ago. I asked her and she says she still feels pain. 5 MONTHS? I can't go on like this for 5 months!

I was embarrassed when my doctor chose to volunteer information. Now I am trying to pluck up the courage to tell her am having trouble and ask if maybe there is something she can give me to help. May never happen though.

Blogging anonymously about my sex life is one thing. Having these convos with people face to face is another thing entirely. Especially people who know me and my husband and my family.:(

Maybe I need a new doctor?