Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Think About Love

My friend R. is very much in love with a girl we know. He's been going on & on about it for a while & driving us all crazy & we've been pushing him to speak up, tell the girl & get it over with so we can have some peace.

Well he did tell her a couple of weeks back. He also asked her to marry him. That's just the sort of person he is. She told him that he'd surprised her. And that she needs time to think. And she still hasn't given him an answer - not even an answer on how she feels about him. He can't get a straight answer out of her.

R. is getting frustrated. Today he was telling me that he doesn't believe she loves him because you don't think about love. It's either there or it's not, that 2 weeks is more than enough to know if you love someone. That it's not like they're strangers who need to get to know each other. And that even if she says yes now it won't be because she loves him for himself. It will be just because she wants to get married. R. is very wealthy so he always has this complex that girls chase him for money not himself because of some negative past experiences etc...Poor, little rich boy & all. He was very depressed. And I think his mind is more or less made up to tell her to forget it he can't wait any longer.

Feeling bad for him. Don't want him to do that. If the girl said she needs time then he should give her time. Maybe she loves him but she's afraid of commitment & needs to get used to the idea. I think the fact that she didn't say no outright seems a good sign. Don't want him to rush into withdrawing. Thinking about maybe having a talk with the girl.

So can you think yourself into loving someone?Not sure what I think. I have major fear of commitment issues myself but when K. said he loved me & asked me how I felt about him I couldn't say anything other than that I loved him. Even if I hadn't said it. Am sure he would have known. I don't think it's something you can hide. So he knew I wanted time to be sure we're not rushing into anything, that we have the basis for something long-term but he always knew I wasn't immune to him. The fact that R. is so depressed indicates to me that he isn't getting any such vibes from the girl. My instinct/heart/female intuition tells me that if she loved him he would know. If I was in his place I would react like him. If someone told me they need time to think about whether they love me I'd take it as a no and I wouldn't wait.

Didn't tell him that though. Didn't have the heart. Just told him not to do anything rash he might regret later and tried to make him feel better, more optimistic.

Interesting question though. Can you think about love?


Miserable, Miserable Day

Too miserable to post about today. But couldn't shut up & had to post that fact. My husband is right. I am a chatterbox. Can't be silent to save my life.


Tuesday, November 29, 2005


Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos.

~Charles M. Schulz


Monday, November 28, 2005


Rainbows apologize for angry skies.


Saturday, November 26, 2005


At a big jewellery shop with my husband - just after maghreb. The salesguy - a very well-dressed perfectly respectable-looking man - is all politeness & amiability as he shows us around & tries to get us to buy everything he has on display. Eventually we get tired of it & we tell him we want to look around on our own & we'll let him know.

Am standing there preoccupied with some pendants I really like, sort of leaning over the counter, trying to see them better through the glass when I suddenly notice that salesguy sitting behind the counter - touching himself!I freeze for a second then look around me to find my husband standing with his back to us at the other end of the display counter - presumably looking at something else. Am afraid to turn my face back back so I move about 2 or 3 meters away from the guy & towards my husband's end of the store. And I notice the guy following me. I can see him through the glass & mirrors in the counter & he is still doing it! I panic & stop - not knowing where to look. For a crazy moment I wonder if he's going to do that infront of my husband. Then I tell myself to take a deep breath, that he wouldn't dare, that such people are cowards. And I go to my husband & tell him I want to leave.

As luck would have it he wanted to look at a watch - so he tells me one second & he calls the guy over. I tell him I'll wait for him in the car outside & he says no wait we'll leave together. So I grit my teeth & keep my head down - but the guy is Mr. Respectability again.

Am glad we didn't buy anything from him. Told my husband I didn't like the watch - even though I love Ted Lapidus usually.

Later I wonder why I kept quiet. Why I pretended not to notice. I know if I had been alone in the shop or with my girlfriends we'd have sworn at him & walked out. It's always like this when we girls are out & we have men with us - whether the men are our husbands, relatives, friends, colleagues, bf etc...- & someone is harrassing us -the same reaction - panic & the most important thing becomes that the men who are with us shouldn't notice. Infact it is part of our social conditioning that any woman who causes a fight between men in such circumstances has committed a major faux pax. If we hear of such things we comment about her stupidity, lack of social polish & etiquette etc...but we never ask ourselves why?At least I never asked myself that before. Why is it considered 3aib (disgraceful) for a woman to admit she was being harrassed & ask for protection?Why do we keep silent as if we did something wrong?

It's like when my sister & I are out with my mother & someone harrasses us in some way my mother will tell him off & she might even set the security or the police on him. But if my Dad is there Mom will say be quiet your father will hear & we'll just leave the place. We never tell my father or my brothers these things. Never.

Men rubbing up against you at the coop. Being groped in the dark on the way into or out of the cinema, or the theater, or the club.The waiter who leans in too close & breathes down your neck & stares down your top when your dinner companion has gone to the bathroom & who is instantly all respectability when your (male) companion comes back. And these men who touch or expose themselves at you whenever they think no one else is looking. All of these things have happened in one form or another either to me or to some woman I know. And without exception we all let it pass.

Clearly this man - & others like him - knew I wasn't going to tell my husband what he was doing. He knows there is such a social rule & he was taking advantage of it.

Strange social dynamics. Why do some men have no respect for women & only respect other men?It was really insulting the way he was so respectful when my husband was next to me & then so disrespectful when he thought my husband's back was turned. It's like am not a person & don't deserve respect as a human being in my own right without a man next to me. Is it physical force?Do such men only respect other men because they think men are physically stronger?Do we still live in the jungle where only muscle counts or deserves respect?


Wearing black pants, black shirt, black-rimmed glasses & a tie to work today. My hair is up, & kept back from my face with half a gallon of gel. Getting funny looks from everyone who doesn't know me well enough to tease me. At least one person failed to recognize me without the wild hair. Walked right past me. Sat in my office & watched him go all over the floor looking for me before someone pointed him back here.

My boss has a terrible cold. Spent an hour in a closed door meeting with him this morning. I wonder how good my immune system is.

My mother decided to leave on Tuesday. She's going to Morroco. She says there's still a lot to do to prepare for the wedding & we can't leave it all to my aunts & then arrive at the last moment like guests. Am still getting lots of calls & emails from Casablanca about this wedding - being asked to choose things & stuff. Everyone back home is so excited about it. We haven't had a wedding in the family in a while. And we had quite a few funerals over the last few years so everyone is happy to be out of mourning & celebrating.

Seems that my husband's mother called my parents on Thurs. It's now confirmed that all my husband's siblings, their spouses & children are going to make it. His parents too. So am going to meet the whole family for the first time. My brothers & their families are also going to be there.

Spoke to him early this morning for the first time since Thursday afternoon. Felt compelled to go into bubbly mode - acting all excited about the wedding plans. I think I fooled him actually. But why did I do that?

My next door colleague has his baby son's voice recorded on his cell & is using it as a ringtone. Been listening to it all morning.So now am having an attack of maternal hormones. I want a baby. Is there no end to the contradictions a woman's mind is capable of? Wedding plans leave me cold. Don't particularly feel like speaking to him. But I want a baby. Can I have the baby without the wedding & without speaking?

Friday, November 25, 2005

Weird Mood

At the office. Working on Friday. Haven't spoken a single word today. Woke up, got dressed & left home while everyone was still asleep. Stopped at the supermarket for a bottle of water, a box of cinnamon cookies & cigarettes. Didn't say a word to the cashier while paying for them.

Got here by 9:00am. Made myself coffee. Then came in my office & closed the door. Got up twice for more coffee and to go to the bathroom. My cell has been switched off since last night.

Now it's 2:47PM. Done with work. But no real satisfaction. Weird. Usually getting something to work makes me feel better.

Even more weird is this need for silence & solitude. Not me at all.

What is really behind it?A desire for contemplation?Haven't done any contemplation though. Lost myself in work all day. No am just pissed off. And getting more pissed off by the minute. Want to say lots of angry words to everyone. It's not that I don't want to be around people. I want to be around them so I can say horrible things to everyone. So my subconscious mind is forcing me into isolation to protect society?

Moral of the story: Don't say you forgive when you haven't. It will just fester inside you. And you won't feel you can go back & fight about something when you've already accepted an apology & said it was forgotten. Wish people would not offer me apologies when am this angry. Wish they'd just fight & let me fight back & get it out of my system. It's really frustrating when someone keeps pushing at you until you've lost your temper. Then just when you're about to let them have it they stop & apologize. Like having the rug pulled out from beneath your feet.

Monday, November 21, 2005

I have it bad...

The nicest thing about our new apartment is that the building has a rooftop swimming pool. Didn't find him at home so I came to check up here & sure enough there he was in the pool. Yelled out hi & blew him a kiss. He yelled back that inti btid7aki 3alaya ya bit inti come here I want the real thing. What is this ya bit inti stuff?First it was ya magnoona now it's ya bit inti?When is he going to start using my name?

Nevertheless he was out of the water standing by the pool waiting so I went over to give him the real thing. No one was going to say am not an obedient wife. Am just glad no one was around to hear all that shouting.

Went to sit by the pool with my book & he went back to finish his swim. We've done this several times before. And I never get much reading done. Truth is I love watching him. What can I say?He's easy on the eyes.

It fascinates me to watch him swimming especially because it's so different from the way I do it. If I go swimming it's got to be with a big group of friends. And it will be more about floating around, playing games, making fun of each other in the water than actually doing lengths.

But he approaches it with the same focus he uses on everything else. I knew that kiss hello was probably the only attention am going to get until he's done. He really concentrates. He won't look up or wave or anything. Sometimes when there are other people around they don't realize that we're together because he does nothing to indicate he even knows me. And I get to overhear all sorts of interesting conversations & comments on him. I think he forgets that am there. Am getting used to being ignored when he's focused on something else. Provided of course that something else is not another woman I think I can live with it. Besides he makes up for it when am the focus. He's a good-looking guy but it's this intensity that I found so irresistable from the beginning. It just triggers me.

Sometimes I worry about him. I wonder if he does anything at all just to relax. He works too hard. When he reads he reads work-related stuff. Most of his DVD's are of surgical procedures & dentistry stuff. When he's lying on the beach getting a suntan he always has his professional reading material with him & I know it's what he's doing when am not there. When he swims he does it for exercise. Most of his friends are in his field & I know half the time they talk about work when they go out & socialize which they don't do very often. It's sometimes a bit uncomfortable for me being out with them because all his friends are dentists who are married to dentists & they talk shop so much. And he doesn't have that many friends. He's quite an introvert. We are opposites in that way. Sure he'll go out with my friends but I have a feeling that's something he does for me. The only thing I see him doing for fun really is music. He plays instruments & loves singing & listening to music. But even that's not something he does on a regular basis. Only in certain moods. Sometimes his life seems very serious to me. Too serious. I think he's too young to live like that. He's only 3 years older than me. I guess that's why he needs me.

So I spent more than an hour & a half watching him without turning a single page of my open book. I give up. Am going to spend the rest of my life following him around like a lovesick puppy. No use fighting it anymore. Am now officially an empty shell of the independent, self-possessed, self-sufficient woman I once dreamed of being.

Worst thing is I don't even mind that much. It's kind of fun.

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Sunday, November 20, 2005


The lady who does my facial every month is absolutely brilliant. She has magical hands. I've been going to her for years once a month & again if I have a party or a special occasion.

However the last 2 sessions(one today) with her were a little disturbing. While she is working on my face, she starts telling me all the intimate details of her physical relationship with her husband. I mean it. That's all she talks about. Not nice romantic girl talk about how they met or how they fell in love. Infact I still don't know how they met.

Now this is especially embarrassing because I know her husband. We work together. It would have been embarrassing enough to have to listen to this about a complete stranger - but about someone I know & have to see everyday?Thanks but no thanks. Too much data.

I let the first time pass but today I decided to tell her something. So I waited until my face was no longer at her mercy & I tried to explain as politely as possible that it makes me uncomfortable when she gets so graphic. She went red & was clearly offended but she said that she wouldn't have said anything if she didn't know I was getting married soon so she thought I would benefit from what she had to say! Then she went on about how I shouldn't be embarrassed & should get used to this stuff etc...

I was speechless with shock at the nerve! But only for a couple of seconds. Then I lost my temper, told her that she was completely out of line, that the client's marital status is none of her business & it's not her job to get involved in our private life & that if she ever does it again I will speak to the manager.

That shut her up. And I was satisfied for a while until I realized that I just lost a great therapist. After this there's no way I'll trust her to touch my face again. She looked so angry I'll bet she'd burn my face off if she got a chance!

Saturday, November 19, 2005


What is forgiveness exactly?A few days back there was an interesting discussion about vengeance over at Nightlegend's. So does forgiveness mean a lack of desire for vengeance?Or does forgiving mean forgetting?Is it enough that you feel no anger towards someone & that you wish them no particular harm to say you forgive them?Is there something in the middle between being unforgiving & being vengeful?

These questions & others have been in the back of my mind for a few days. Have been debating whether to post about this because I find that I don't feel like posting the whole story. It's too long & too complicated & just not worth the time & effort it would take to write it. It's not important anymore. Normally if I write at all I like to write everything but this time I've decided to make an exception. It's something on my mind & I want to write about it so I will & I will avoid the details.

Suffice to say that person X is someone that I once thought very highly of who did something that caused quite a lot of trouble to me & a few people I really care about. This was a few years back. And this person still doesn't know that I know what he did because I never confronted him.

The reason I chose not to confront him is behind the questions I've been asking myself. Am I a forgiving person or not?I didn't confront X because normally I would only tell you that you hurt me & ask you for an explanation if I still have some respect or some feelings left for you. If I think there is hope for the relationship - that it can be saved. Or that you can fix what you did or somehow make me feel better about it. In cases where my mind is made up that I've lost respect or trust for good I don't feel like listening to pointless apologies or explanations. I've never forgiven anyone because they said I'm sorry. Apologies don't mean much to me I guess. If I want to forgive I'll do it whether the person apologizes or not. And if I don't want to forgive they can apologize from now until kingdom come and nothing will change inside me. Apologies are just words and talk is cheap.

But again what is forgiveness?Is what I feel towards this person X now vengefulness?Everyone keeps telling me I should forgive. Everyone assumes I have some kind of anger towards this person that I need to let go of. But the thing is when I look inside me I don't find anger. I find nothing. An utter & complete lack of interest. When people talk about him I find my mind wandering. People keep getting irritated because they keep having to repeat things they already told me about him. They say what's the matter with you?Why do you keep forgetting?But it's not that I forget. It's just that I didn't pay attention aslan.

This person is now going through some severe personal difficulties and this is why he's the focus of everyone's sympathy. But still everything I've seen him go through hasn't generated any feeling inside me.There's no sympathy, no pity but also no pleasure. There's just boredom. The truth is I just can't be bothered. Am not interested. I don't want to know. I keep wishing people would stop telling me because when they tell me there's a pressure to pretend to be interested & concerned & everyone makes me feel guilty if I'm not. But I don't want to pretend.

If there was something practical I could do to help him I would do it if I can - out of community spirit & because I don't really wish him any harm. It would be like when people ask you to contribute to clean up the street or something. You would do it but you wouldn't appreciate being asked to feel sentimental about the street. I just hate the way everyone wants me to show personal empathy & concern where I don't feel them.

And I hate these repeated requests to forgive. There's nothing to forgive. I used to find this person interesting & worthy of respect because I had a certain impression about him. He did something to show me he wasn't the man I thought he was. I can forget the personal harm & inconvenience he caused for me & for others since - thanks to God & no thanks to him - it was no lasting damage. What I can't forget is what his behavior revealed about him. Those are facts. I was blind. Then I saw. I can't go back to being blind again.

So I lost interest & respect because all the reasons for my interest & respect were no longer there. I don't care for him anymore because quite simply the person I cared about was not him. He's someone else & he bores me. So what am I supposed to forgive him for?For being himself?But is that my problem or his?As long as he's not part of my life anymore why should I care what he does or what he is?

I notice that I often react this way when people do something to hurt or disillusion me. They fall off the radar screen. They stop mattering. Not anger. Anger is what I feel when I still care. Not everyone is worth my anger.

So does this make me unforgiving?Hard & unfeeling?Because people have been saying that a lot I find myself having the impulse to go & see this person. Maybe if I see him & talk to him he'll say something or I'll see something that will make me feel something or make me like him again?Am I wrong or right to let others convince me that I have to force myself to like him or I'm not normal?


Friday, November 18, 2005


At this age. At 29 I'm grounded. Mama insists that am going to rest this weekend. Tried to go out after work today & she just completely lost her temper & started yelling about how I know am supposed to rest & if I don't care about myself then don't I care about her & doesn't she have enough to worry about etc....Then she started crying. Hate it when mothers do that. It's the ultimate weapon. You HAVE to do what she wants then. Emotional blackmail.

So am home today - not because am feeling in the least bit tired. Just because I think she must be. Mom doesn't freak out like that very often. She must be really stressed. The funny thing is no one else stepped out of the house today. Not even my Dad. No one wants to get on her wrong side today.

My Mom is cute really. It's funny the way she's the smallest person in our house but it's so deceptive. We all take after Dad in height & tower over her. Even my little sister is taller than Mom now & still growing. But she's a formidable little lady. She rules the house with an iron fist. What she says goes.

So today was family day. No going out. And no visitors too. Except for K & he's not really a visitor. He's part of the family now. Mom was complaining to him about me - that if I don't sleep am going to get sick again etc...& he kept agreeing with her also complaining that I was midawakhah(making him dizzy). I think she scared him too. If he's too scared to argue with Mom then he's definitely an official part of the family now!

We're both happy that she's not blaming him this time. That's because he's been bringing me home by midnight like Cinderella. Am pleased that he charmed my Mom even if he did stab me in the back to do it!

I don't think he minded spending the day at our house as much as I did. He said it was like spending the day at home with his family - something he doesn't get to do very often. I keep forgetting that he's been living alone for years.

The other noteworthy event in my life - and a day at home is pretty noteworthy for me - was yesterday. Am still not over that. My aunt(as in married to my father's brother) asked me to take her along next time I go to see the designer who is working on my wedding dress. Had no reason to be suspicious of this because my aunt is this high-fashion lady who would die if she or one of her daughters weren't wearing the latest fashion all the time. But at the shop, while I was trying on the dress she paid for it!She said it was a wedding present from her & my uncle to me & my husband.

Am so totally mortified!No one has ever given me a present this expensive before. It was such a shock!And I couldn't do anything about it because she did it while I was being fitted. All I could do was thank her. It would be incredibly rude to try to pay her back even though that's what I want to do.

My parents are really embarrassed too - except that they agree the only thing to do now is to wait until one of my cousins gets married & buy them something in the same price range. It's certainly not the kind of money you can spend on a birthday present. God I hope my cousins get married soon. I won't feel better about this until we've somehow repaid it.Infact now that am getting into this whole match-making thing maybe I should think about hooking them up if they don't get a move on soon?

The strange thing is I didn't think my uncle was too pleased about my marriage because the guy is not from Morocco. I know he had objections that he discussed with my Dad. I also know that a couple of years back he refused his daughter's marriage a to someone she was pretty partial to for more or less the same reason. And he gave me a hint too before me & K were married. Nothing direct. He just started telling me stories about how when people from different countries get married & have children things become very complicated if things don't work out & they get a divorce etc....And a lot of stuff about culture clashes etc...And I remember telling K. about this culture clash stuff because it was something me & him had never discussed until that point. It had just never been an issue. It still isn't. Just thought I'd ask him to see if the same thought had ever occurred to him. He just gave me a blank look so I guess not.

I think in this day & age of globalization education & social class count for a lot more than culture really. I expect I'd have a much tougher time getting along with someone from the same culture but a different social class than with K. There would be different tastes, different attitudes to religion, morality etc... an all-around bigger potential for clashes than just nationality.

So I guess I should be impressed that my uncle & my aunt are being so generous despite the fact that they don't think the marriage is a good idea?

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Wednesday, November 16, 2005


Sitting back thinking now I can't believe the day I had yesterday. Even by my standards it was crazy. It started at 6:00am like usual. At 7:30am I had to give a one & a half hr orientation session to some of our trainees. This involved being on my feet talking the whole time. At 9:30am I had to leave for Al Ain for an 11:30 meeting with my new user. That's an almost 2 hrs drive. Managed to get there in an hr & a half though which was good because I spent another 20 minutes lost from the user's location so I was not late for a change.

Didn't get back to Abu Dhabi until about 3:30. Reached the office, made myself one cup of coffee then I went to report to my boss about the meeting. Of course I was full of ideas & he was full of arguments so we sat there talking & arguing until 5:00 - an hour after work. He tells me:"Get out of here. Go home. I'm an old man. I can't keep up with you. I'm tired & I haven't had my lunch."

That's when I realize that I haven't had anything other than two cups of coffee & water all day. I go home to find that everyone already ate without me. Now I have a complex about this. I can't eat alone. So the answer is?I make some phone calls to see who I know that happens to be out sitting someplace which serves food right now. In the end I join F.(my Sudanese friend), her husband & some of their friends at the Beach hotel. I have a club sandwich and fresh strawberry juice. Then more coffee, water & cigarettes. Nice people though. Didn't feel out of place at all even though I had never met most of them before.

When I leave I suddenly remember that K. has been complaining that he hasn't had home-cooked food since Ramadan. Of course I keep inviting him to eat at our house but he feels uncomfortable - says he doesn't like to put my Mom to any trouble - that it was enough he ate with us so often in Ramadan etc....So I know what's going to happen next. I make a stop at the Co-op in Abu Dhabi mall, right next to the Beach Hotel because I know that K wouldn't have anything at home. I pick up some supplies & then on the way to his(our?) place I suddenly remember that I was going to get some microwaveable containers to freeze the food in. So I stop by another Co-op - this time in Khalidiya.

When I get to his place I know he's at work & won't be home for hours but I still want to finish quickly because I look a mess & smell of smoke & I don't want him to catch me like this. Not sure exactly how long I spent cooking but I made sure I was making big quantities of everything. I leave some food outside incase he feels like eating tonight & everything else I put in the new containers & shove in the deep freezer. Now he can have home-cooked food anytime he wants for a week or so. Maybe not very fresh but still better than eating take-out all the time.

Once done I suddenly get a craving for ice cream. I think all my food cravings are just my subconscious mind giving me excuses to go out. D. was saying earlier that she wanted to go out after Maghreb. I call her & she is getting ready to go out so I ask her to come over & bring me some clothes. Not only did I smell of smoke by then I also smelled of onions & garlic & various spices. However I had already gone home changed & gone out once. If I try to do that again my parents would have something to say about it. So plan B is to borrow a change of clothes from a friend & have my shower where I was which is what happened.Called my Dad to tell them I was going out with D & might be late.

Went out with D. for ice cream & sheesha. K. sent me sms asking where I was about the time I knew he'd have finished work. Told him where we were. Then D. & I kept remembering all the people we know who lived nearby & might be offended if they know we were in that particular place & didn't tell them. We made some calls, sent some sms & people kept coming & going which again was kind of nice. I mean no one did anything to bug me. Everyone was being nice. Except that everytime someone comes they look at me & say you know that looks like D's dress. I mean couldn't they just shut up about it?

K called me at one point & I could hardly hear him because it was so noisy by then. So I went outside to speak to him & he tells me you said you were only going out with D. in the tone of voice that he uses when he doesn't like something but isn't planning to quarrel about it just yet.I pretended I didn't notice it though, told him how everyone happened to be there & asked him if he wanted to join us. He said no he was too tired, was running some errands & then was going home. Told him to call me when he gets home. For some reason it slipped my mind to tell him I'd been there earlier.

When he did get home I was still out & he called again but this time he was really sweet. I think he felt bad that he gave me a hard time about being out with my friends when he realized I spent all afternoon cooking for him. He asked if I wanted to come over but I was way, way too tired. And I was making this elaborate plan to go to bed early for a change. So he told me to call him before I go to sleep.

Got home about quarter to 11:00. My Dad looked at me with this sad face, sighed & asked me where I was. I started telling stories about what we said & what we did & he made the same comment K. had. You said you were only going out with D. What is this?A conspiracy?Do I have to give a list in advance of everyone who might be passing in the street when I go out?Just went over, gave him a big hug & kiss. He hugged me back & smiled at me. But then he told me that they were worried about the way I was 'tistahliki nafsik'- which means consuming myself- so fast. Strange thought. Is that what I am doing?Consuming myself?

So I think definitely that I'll try to get an early night. How?Well there's this bottle of lavender bath oil that I bought in Dubai months ago & never used. I bought it aslan because the saleslady told me it's supposed to make you sleep. And am going to have warm milk. Maybe with cereal?No cereal is supposed to be breakfast food. It's supposed to wake you up.

Tell Mom that am tired but can't sleep so can she give me something. She gives me a funny look & says if you're not sleepy you don't have to sleep. Why does she always act like I'm turning into a drug addict if I ask her for any medication?I mean she's a doctor. She gives medication for a living.Mom makes me some warm milk with a really nice cinnamon taste.

I take it & go to my room, run myself a lavendar bath & settle back to relax. Except lying in the bath tub doing nothing is simply not me. First I decide to put a masque on my face. Then I remember to put a conditioning treatment on my hair. Then I decide to do my nails. By that time the water is cold so I run another bath. And finally I get my cell & so there I was talking to K. & filing my nails while I am in my supposedly relaxing, sleep-inducing bath. He thought that was hilarious - that when I decide to go to bed early I make such a big job out of it. He said ya3ni most people would just go to bed & fall asleep. He was going out for late night sheesha with the guys so he couldn't talk to me too long. We hung up. I got up, washed off the hair stuff & the face stuff, put on my bathrobe & went to the kitchen to get rid of the empty milk cup. By that time it's almost 1:00am. So much for going to bed early. I open the fridge to get a water bottle & catch sight of a bottle of cough syrup. I remember that cough syrup always makes me drowsy so I have a big spoonful. Then I pray & finally get into bed & manage to stay still.

I think it was the cough syrup that finally did the trick.

P.S. Am pleased that things are kind of picking up between my uncle & D. If two people are single & tired of it, nice & fairly attractive & you throw them together a lot & talk to them about each other all the time they're bound to get a little intrigued. What worries me is that I ended up getting more involved in this than I was planning. Was just going to create opportunites & hope there will be a spark. Had to push for it more than I wanted to. Don't like to think am taking that much responsibility. Now if anything goes wrong will they blame me?

P.P.S. The news these days is so grim. Terrorists still blowing up people from Jordan to Pakistan to Iraq. Makes you wonder what happened to the war on terror. No one is talking about it anymore. Reminds me of a joke I read in MAD magazine many years ago. It said:"The war on drugs has been won - by the drug dealers."
Must remember not to read the BBC online when am blogging late at night. Not the kind of tone you want to end your day on.

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Monday, November 14, 2005

My Blogthings

You Are Downtown

You're a funky spirit that requires freedom to live.
Your city girl persona needs adventure, diversity, and great pizza.

You Can Hang With the Guys and the Girls

You've struck a good balance between girlie and laid back.
You can keep it casual but when you dress up, you are as girly as the next girl.

You Are a Good Student of Men

You're pretty good at knowing what men are thinking
But you're not dead on 100% of the time
Let your guy off the hook sometimes... because you may be reading him all wrong!

You Are An Iris

You are a unique woman who needs a lot of novelty in her life.
An inspiration seeker, you often have to change scenery to recharge.
You don't deal well with structure or rules. You need to do it your own way.
Your ideal relationships are free and flowing. No one can tie you down.

Your Element is Fire

Your power color: red

Your energy: hot

Your season: spring

Like a fire, you are full of power and light.
A born leader, you easily draw people toward you.
You are full of courage and usually up for anything dangerous.
You have a huge ego and love to be the center of attention.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Good Morning

With my sleeping patterns most people tend to avoid me in the early mornings if they can - except for the unfortunate souls who have to drive on my way to work. Not a morning person at all.

But for once am kind of happy with the way this one is turning out. My sister didn't get up in time to catch her school bus so I had to give her a lift this morning. Things have been getting better with her but it's been snail pace. So I was surprised when she asked if I want to come in & say hello to everyone. She goes to my old school so I know most of the people who work there. But when I did go in with her she took me along to the cafeteria first to say hello to her friends before the first period. This kid never fails to confuse me. Sometimes she's proud of me & wants to show me off to her friends & teachers & other times I feel she despises me.

For sure though my spirits lifted. Am grateful for any step forward with her. While in the cafeteria I saw my old English teacher - who is her teacher now & my heart nearly stopped. Last time I was here this teacher caught me & started complaining about my sister infront of her. I paid for that big-time. It embarrassed my sister & she took it out on me. All in all that was certainly not the sort of thing I needed this morning.

But thankfully this time the teacher only wanted to say hello. When it was time for me to leave my sister gave me another shock by kissing me goodbye & saying thanks for the lift. Can't remember the last time she did something like that of her own accord - without me initiating it. Could be only because it was infront of her friends & teachers but still I have to say it made my day.

On the way out I thought of checking on her grades. She was already in class by then. But decided against it. I do wish she would try harder at school. She needs good grades this semester or she'll have problems transferring to a good school in Casablanca. but I don't want to risk her turning against me again now by interfering in that. Am really not her mother after all. So better not to know things that might bother me if am not planning to do anything about them. Decided I'll just mind my own business.

Drove to work in a fairly good mood. Definitely worth being late for work. Had my coffee & then got down to work for 2 hrs. At 10:00 my boss came in to tell me I have a new project. Not a very big one. Should be about 2 weeks work. But the customer is in Al Ain so I'll have to drive down there a few times. Still good news though. Was getting really tired of the neverending project I was working on. The new project has been given priority so he says the old horrible project will be taken off my hands as soon as he can sort it out. First meeting with the new customer at one o'clock.

Called K. at work. Wanted to check on him. His cell was diverted to the office number & I got the receptionist. She said he had a patient with him. Bummer. Thought at least he'll get the message & he'll know I was thinking of him.

Called my friend M. - who had her baby last month & gave her my name. She and the baby are in Tunisia staying with her parents now. She was infront of the TV watching Al-Arabiya. I knew the baby wouldn't let her sleep. Somehow we managed to get into argument about Moroccan politics. A new mother & all she can think about is politics instead of telling stories about her baby. Sigh. Why don't I have any normal friends?Oh well at least she did promise to email me some new photos of the baby.

K. called immediately after I hung up on her. Well I was right to be worried. He's still down - despite my best efforts.

Me: Inta abadan mush 3ajibni hal-ayam.
Him: Tab ooleeli bas eh illy mish 3agbik wana a3gibik lilsub7.
Me: Am serious. You did your part for Shamma. Now you have to move on.
Him: It's not just her. That was the last straw. There's this apathy here that gets to you. No one cares. Doctors, lab technicians even patients. People don't show up for treatment. They disappear then come back to you ba3d kharab Malta & they expect you to fix it. It makes you think if no one cares wi kulu mkabar dimaghu tab mana kaman ashtiri dimgahi ba'a.
Me: Come on. You don't mean that.
Him: Mana khayef if I stay here yi7sali kida ana kaman. Zay elnaharda wa7id gay biy3ayat min elalam. I check the file. 8 months ago he was here & he got some temporary fillings. Maryam did it. Shoofi Maryam mishyet min imta?His next appointment was supposed to be in the same week.
Me: Ba3dain?
Him: Wala ablain. Fas mal7 wi dab. Min yomha ma7adish shafo. And it's not like he went somewhere else or anything. No. Kol 7aga zay mahiya. The temporary filling fell out wi howa kamil 3adi wi 3ayesh 7ayatu.
Me: When is your next appointment?
Him: Elmafrood dilwati.
Me: And they're late?
Him: 3adi ya3ni.
Me: Tayeb why don't you take a break?
Him: Break eh?In a few minutes law masharafsh I'll see someone from the waiting room.
Me: Tayeb mumkin bas tihadi nafsak & stop getting aggravated by little things?I've never seen you like this.
Him: I'm sorry. I know I'm not a joy to be around these days. Ma3laish ista7mileeni.
Me: Min 3iyooni.
Him: Tislam 3iyoonak ya amar.

He was smiling. Phew. At last. I could hear it in his voice. He had to go then but at least we rang off on a lighter note.

He called me again about 30 minutes later. Was in the ladies room, putting on some make-up. Suggested that he take a few days off if he doesn't feel better soon.

Him: Inti eh mish 3ayza tsafri shahr 3asal wala eh?
Me: Sure I want to but it's ok if you need your leave now. We can go on holiday anytime.
Him: La ma3laish. Law inti mish mi7ataga ana ba'a ta3ban wi3ayez arta7. Nifsi akhdik fi 7itta malkeesh feeha 7ad wala 7ad yi3rafak 3ashan afdalik kida wi tifdili wilwa7id yi3raf yirakiz.
Me: Yaslam. Inta nawi tirakiz ma3aya fi shahr el3asal bas?
Him(laughing): La mish elasd. Bas inti shayfa ayamna 3amla ezay. Inti filshugl wana filshugl. Ma bni3rafsh nishoof ba3d illa bilail. Wi 7ata di. Siyadtik bitu3udi tsalimeeli yimeen wishmal wi 3ala tool irtibatat wis7ab.
Me: Tayeb ya3ni ma asalim 3ala elnas?3aib ya 7abibi.
Him: Mumkin balash elvoice tone da 3ashan bat3ab nafseeyan?
Me: 3arfa.
Him: Yikhrib bait mayastik. Ya bit itkhashini shwiya.
Me: Mush a7san min illy inta feeh?
Him: A7san tab3an di 3ayza kalam. Bas kida mish ha3raf ashoof shugli.

Much better this time I think.

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Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Have A Happy Eid Everyone



It's 4:20 am. Still up. Sitting on the couch in the living room with my feet on the coffee table. Too lazy to get up & go to bed. Even though am sleepy & freezing cold & my bed is warm & comfortable. Besides I can't sleep now. Less than half an hour left for fajir.

Boy am I going to pay for this at work in the morning.