Think About Love
My friend R. is very much in love with a girl we know. He's been going on & on about it for a while & driving us all crazy & we've been pushing him to speak up, tell the girl & get it over with so we can have some peace.
Well he did tell her a couple of weeks back. He also asked her to marry him. That's just the sort of person he is. She told him that he'd surprised her. And that she needs time to think. And she still hasn't given him an answer - not even an answer on how she feels about him. He can't get a straight answer out of her.
R. is getting frustrated. Today he was telling me that he doesn't believe she loves him because you don't think about love. It's either there or it's not, that 2 weeks is more than enough to know if you love someone. That it's not like they're strangers who need to get to know each other. And that even if she says yes now it won't be because she loves him for himself. It will be just because she wants to get married. R. is very wealthy so he always has this complex that girls chase him for money not himself because of some negative past experiences etc...Poor, little rich boy & all. He was very depressed. And I think his mind is more or less made up to tell her to forget it he can't wait any longer.
Feeling bad for him. Don't want him to do that. If the girl said she needs time then he should give her time. Maybe she loves him but she's afraid of commitment & needs to get used to the idea. I think the fact that she didn't say no outright seems a good sign. Don't want him to rush into withdrawing. Thinking about maybe having a talk with the girl.
So can you think yourself into loving someone?Not sure what I think. I have major fear of commitment issues myself but when K. said he loved me & asked me how I felt about him I couldn't say anything other than that I loved him. Even if I hadn't said it. Am sure he would have known. I don't think it's something you can hide. So he knew I wanted time to be sure we're not rushing into anything, that we have the basis for something long-term but he always knew I wasn't immune to him. The fact that R. is so depressed indicates to me that he isn't getting any such vibes from the girl. My instinct/heart/female intuition tells me that if she loved him he would know. If I was in his place I would react like him. If someone told me they need time to think about whether they love me I'd take it as a no and I wouldn't wait.
Didn't tell him that though. Didn't have the heart. Just told him not to do anything rash he might regret later and tried to make him feel better, more optimistic.
Interesting question though. Can you think about love?
Labels: Friends
posted by LouLou @ 11:42 PM
12 Comments:
The thing is R didn't only tell the girl he loved her ... he also asked her to marry him... that's probably what made her say she'd think about it... the "marry" part... so I think what you told R was the best thing to say...and may even be true .. you never know..
Even though I believe that you can't "think about love"...you could be trying to figure out whether it was really "love" or just "infatuation" ... and there's a hell of a difference...
Love is a sacred feeling, you can never be sure whether you're in love or not unless you actually "think" about it.
No one would wake up one morning feeling love towards another person, its only after getting to know the person and as feelings grow there is this phase, silent maybe, where you unintentially think about whether what you feel is love or infatuation, or simply mere likeness or even worse, loving the attention.
I think R should wait, he surely freaked her out by asking her to marry him, she's entitled to take her time, the waiting is awful i know, but it is worth it, if he truely loves her, it definitley is.
Agree with you girls.
He just hit her with the proposal..what did he expect?? to tell him " yeah sure why not" ?.
Love takes time to reaching maturity..and to taking such fatal decisions like marriage.
Girls,
I think he wouldn't mind waiting for marriage if he knew she had feelings for him. It's the fact that she won't give any indication of that which he finds frustrating.
Yes marriage is a big step. There's a lot more than love to it. But if someone is special you wouldn't need to think very long to know that would you?You'd think about whether you're ready to commit to them but not about whether you're even interested in them.
R is quite a romantic. Much more than most men I know. He's in love & he wants her to return his feelings. He doesn't want a wife who just accepts him because he's a good '3arees'.
Sometimes I don't blame men for wondering what we want & finding us confusing. If a guy indicates interest but doesn't mention marriage we think he's playing around & don't trust him. But if he talks marriage right away we freak out. Can't blame the poor things for getting confused can we?
"If a guy indicates interest but doesn't mention marriage we think he's playing around & don't trust him. But if he talks marriage right away we freak out. Can't blame the poor things for getting confused can we?"
LOL... well said Loul !!
Sorry I'm a bit confused here...how can he love her that much and want to marry her without knowing her?
Sorry Mosh Fahma?
Twosret,
"Sorry I'm a bit confused here...how can he love her that much and want to marry her without knowing her?"
They've known each other for almost 3 years now. As friends. I only the girl as his friend. He introduced her to the rest of us.
And he's been in love for at least a year.This is why he doesn't think getting to know each other is a valid concern.
Hi LouLou-
I guess things are different there, because a girl here in the US would most definately freak out if a guy asked her to marry him the first time he even expressed an interest in her.
On the other hand, I think she's being unfair to him by not either encouraging his interest, or discouraging it. Maybe she doesn't want to hurt his feelings, or maybe she really does need more time to think. But not responding to him probably IS hurting his feelings even more than a gentle "no" would.
You don't know the girl well enough you can talk to her about it?
I understand ur Friend's feeling & in the same time, the girl had two hits in her mind ,, he loves her & wants to marry her
didnt he try to ask her again in an indirect way ,, as asking someone to ask her or going to ask her himself , two weeks is relatively not a short time. and maybe she is that type who wait for his moves, so she is waiting for his second move
such types of ppl like ur friend R cant live with suspended situations it just hurts them more
i really wish that in the end ur friend R becomes happy in all cases
Hi Craig,
Nice to see you haven't disappeared like Ritzy. Although at least we'd know you're not incarcerated if you did.:)
"I guess things are different there, because a girl here in the US would most definately freak out if a guy asked her to marry him the first time he even expressed an interest in her."
It is freaky but I guess here some would see it as a declaration of honorable intent if you like.
"You don't know the girl well enough you can talk to her about it?"
Never discussed anything personal with her. But she seems a friendly, outgoing type so I want to try. If she doesn't want to talk to me about it she can just say that & I'll respect it.
"But not responding to him probably IS hurting his feelings even more than a gentle "no" would."
Yes it's prolonging the agony. Wouldn't want to be in his place.
tota,
"didnt he try to ask her again in an indirect way ,, as asking someone to ask her or going to ask her himself "
No he didn't. That's what I want to do asap before he loses patience & hope.
"i really wish that in the end ur friend R becomes happy in all cases "
Me too. I like happy endings.
Hey Craig, good to see you here :)
Loulou, sorry to be out of topic but where is Zoss?
Thanks Loulou for the explanation but I'm not getting good vibes here about this relationship. I'm not sure if it is gonna head anywhere positive.
I think maybe R. should give her the benefit of the doubt and wait for a couple of weeks and then if she doesn't answer, then no answer is an answer by itself.
Good luck to him and her.
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