At the office. Working on Friday. Haven't spoken a single word today. Woke up, got dressed & left home while everyone was still asleep. Stopped at the supermarket for a bottle of water, a box of cinnamon cookies & cigarettes. Didn't say a word to the cashier while paying for them.
Got here by 9:00am. Made myself coffee. Then came in my office & closed the door. Got up twice for more coffee and to go to the bathroom. My cell has been switched off since last night.
Now it's 2:47PM. Done with work. But no real satisfaction. Weird. Usually getting something to work makes me feel better.
Even more weird is this need for silence & solitude. Not me at all.
What is really behind it?A desire for contemplation?Haven't done any contemplation though. Lost myself in work all day. No am just pissed off. And getting more pissed off by the minute. Want to say lots of angry words to everyone. It's not that I don't want to be around people. I want to be around them so I can say horrible things to everyone. So my subconscious mind is forcing me into isolation to protect society?
Moral of the story: Don't say you forgive when you haven't. It will just fester inside you. And you won't feel you can go back & fight about something when you've already accepted an apology & said it was forgotten. Wish people would not offer me apologies when am this angry. Wish they'd just fight & let me fight back & get it out of my system. It's really frustrating when someone keeps pushing at you until you've lost your temper. Then just when you're about to let them have it they stop & apologize. Like having the rug pulled out from beneath your feet.