Friday, November 25, 2005

Weird Mood

At the office. Working on Friday. Haven't spoken a single word today. Woke up, got dressed & left home while everyone was still asleep. Stopped at the supermarket for a bottle of water, a box of cinnamon cookies & cigarettes. Didn't say a word to the cashier while paying for them.

Got here by 9:00am. Made myself coffee. Then came in my office & closed the door. Got up twice for more coffee and to go to the bathroom. My cell has been switched off since last night.

Now it's 2:47PM. Done with work. But no real satisfaction. Weird. Usually getting something to work makes me feel better.

Even more weird is this need for silence & solitude. Not me at all.

What is really behind it?A desire for contemplation?Haven't done any contemplation though. Lost myself in work all day. No am just pissed off. And getting more pissed off by the minute. Want to say lots of angry words to everyone. It's not that I don't want to be around people. I want to be around them so I can say horrible things to everyone. So my subconscious mind is forcing me into isolation to protect society?

Moral of the story: Don't say you forgive when you haven't. It will just fester inside you. And you won't feel you can go back & fight about something when you've already accepted an apology & said it was forgotten. Wish people would not offer me apologies when am this angry. Wish they'd just fight & let me fight back & get it out of my system. It's really frustrating when someone keeps pushing at you until you've lost your temper. Then just when you're about to let them have it they stop & apologize. Like having the rug pulled out from beneath your feet.

3 Comments:

Blogger Rain said...

I can understand this mood very well..it's the need to feel inner peace ...

I remember I had a misunerstanding with someone..and it really got on my nerves ..so I just isolated myself and didn't accept apologies and asked this someone to leave me alone till I'm over this anger and then we can talk about it... and actually it worked.

11/25/2005 03:23:00 PM  
Blogger Wonderer said...

Actually, I think that when you wrote this posts, you were not waiting for comments. No comments can sooth your anger, but, sometimes the person likes to get it out (yefadfad) instead of going mad.
I can't say anything, but we are here for you and ALL EARS.
I hope to get over this mood soon insha2allah.

11/26/2005 12:01:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Rain,

"it's the need to feel inner peace ... "

Can't argue with that.

Wonderer,

"Actually, I think that when you wrote this posts, you were not waiting for comments."

Sometimes something happens that leaves a bad taste in your mouth. And you feel all you can do is wait for the bad taste to go.

"but, sometimes the person likes to get it out (yefadfad) instead of going mad."

Writing is more than fadfada because it helps you to organize your thoughts. Pinpoints the problem.It tells u where it hurts exactly. Like going to the doctor.

Before I wrote them down everything seemed black. Was angry at myself, everyone, life. Writing it down helped me focus on exactly what am angry at. So I went from -my-life-is-awful mode to I-have-a-problem mode which is progress. Still angry though.:(

"I can't say anything, but we are here for you and ALL EARS."

Thank you. That's always nice to know.:)

11/26/2005 12:31:00 AM  

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