7 weeks

The baby is 7 wks old now. Born in the same month as his father but different horoscopes. My husband is a Taurus - and a pretty typical one at that. My baby is an Aries.

The stars say that on the good side, my son will be adventurous, energetic, pioneering, courageous, enthusiastic, confident, dynamic and quick-witted. On the dark side, he will be selfish, quick-tempered, impulsive, impatient, foolhardy and daredevil.

Funny.:)

Such big words for such a tiny creature. Am being ridiculous I know. Just tempted to cheat time a little and try to get a sense of his peronality.

The thought just struck me all of a sudden that hey, he is a real person - with a birthday and a horoscope and everything.

He doesn't look a lot like K's baby pic - the one I was fixated on before he was born. That could be because K was 8 months old in that pic. Strangely enough, everyone thinks he looks like K NOW. The coloring, the eyes, some of the mannerisms. But am not seeing it. I see the eyes of course. They're pure K.

But I guess I was so focused on the little boy in the pic for so long that it's taking me a while to realize that this little boy doesn't actually look much like my husband now.

Oh, well. You can never really tell. My brother looked nothing like my father when he was little. Nothing. They didn't even look related because my father is blond and European-looking and my brother is dark-haired and dark-skinned, takes a lot after my mother's family. So when we were little, people would say my bro looks like my mom.

But when my bro was about 16 or 17, all of a sudden, he is the spitting image of my father. Like you made a mask of my father's face, colored it a bit darker, added a few aging effects and stuck it on my bro. And he grew to exactly the same height & build as my dad. And had the same shaped ears and legs. It was just freaky.

Same with my little sis, she's a fairer-skinned, younger-looking replica of my mother. Again, it is so odd to see two people look so much alike while at the same time looking like they're not even from the same race.

The rest of us take bits and pieces from both our parents but don't really look like either one of them.

It is all pretty random, isn't it?

I am surprised by how easily my son seems to fit into my daily life now - given the initial panic. My mother left us last week. I miss her a lot. And I know the baby does too. He kind of bonded with her and is still a bit whinier than usual whenever I try to put him to sleep.

But things are going so smoothly now. Maybe because my husband and I are both not working and so we have no other daily obligations? Or maybe because I was never much of a sleeper anyway so am not feeling the effect of sleep-deprivation new mothers usually complain about?

I mean, I seem to be awake most of the time anyway whenever the baby is. And his needs are so simple. He really doesn't take up as much of my day as I thought a newborn baby would. Infact, I often find myself bored while he's sleeping and wishing he'd get up and play.

Especially now that my mother is gone and the daily barrage of visitors and well-wishers has stopped. Serving and entertaining all these guests was a big part of what was keeping us so busy. People would come both to see my mother because they hadn't seen her in so long and to see me and the baby.

In a way, it was good for the baby. At the hospital, he was so anti-social and would cry whenever he was surrounded with a lot of people or someone other than me would try to pick him up. Now he loves the attention and unless he is sleepy or hungry - which makes him a bit fussy - he is ready to go to anyone who wants to hold him.

My husband and I try to keep that to a minimum though. Babies are so fragile at that age and some people really don't know how to hold babies which drives us nuts. Or when someone who clearly has a bad cold tries to pick him up. That makes me FURIOUS. It's just so inconsiderate. I would never go near a small child when I'm sick like that.

I leave it to K to tell people no on occasions like this. He is much better at telling people no without offending them than I am.

A lot of the time, the baby just sleeps in his pram or his crib. Noises don't seem to wake him anymore. He'll sleep when we have the TV on, when we have guests, or when we're out. And the car seems to have a really soothing effect on him.

For the last week or so, we've had no guests so we've been going out almost everyday - either for a meal or shopping or just for a drive. We have to be careful of course. No sheesha places. No smoky restaurants or bars. We have to find clean, child-friendly places to go to.

But music or other loud noises don't seem to scare him anymore. And all our friends think he's really cute. He's the youngest child in our circle right now and so is the always the star and the main topic of conversation. And he seems to be ok with it. Which is cool - that he is as outgoing as his mother. I mean, I can tell we're really going to get along.:)

Alhamdullilah, we seem to have been blessed with a really sweet-tempered child.

Then there is my husband. What can I say? The way he suddenly switched from not wanting children to being a full-time, engaged, loving, PERFECT father. All my friends say am lucky for how involved he is and how much he helps out. K was actually changing the baby and bathing him before I did - when I was so sick.

But of course, we don't talk about it. He gets all evasive and embarrassed whenever anyone brings it up. Am happy to leave it alone though. I mean, I got what I wanted really, and more. So what's there to nag about? Enough nagging and arguing was done before the baby was born. Am all argued out about this particular subject.

As of last week, we started having sex. A few days after the doctor said we could. That was an awkward interview with the doctor. I mean, my doctor is a sweetheart and I love her to death but she's never been exactly shy. A little on the crude side infact.

The two of us had not even talked about having sex in months. I hadn't even changed infront of him in AGES because I felt fat and just didn't want him or anyone to see my body in the current state.

And then we go for a doctor's appointment and she chooses to throw that at us. We were having trouble looking at each other in the car. All of a sudden there was all this tension. Like what are we supposed to do now? Go home and have sex?

I didn't feel ready. I didn't feel ready to talk about how not ready I am. And I didn't know if he even wanted to. And I just didn't want to talk about it.

I think we both felt the pressure of how our physical relationship was before and the feeling that we were more or less starting from scratch now and would we ever be able to live up to what we had before and just not knowing what to expect from now on in that quarter.

Not surprisingly, nothing happened that day. I missed my mother so much. I mean, having her around created a buffer. We didn't have those endless hours of being alone at home together. Where do you hide? How do you avoid anything?

Then I guess he decided he'd had enough of us tiptoeing around each other and that we needed to get over it. And so he picked a moment when I was sleeping, off-guard and just didn't give me time to think about it. I'd forgotten how good he was at that.

It felt good to be held and touched by him again. Something I really missed. After the first time and once I was fully awake - it was like a dam burst. We couldn't get enough of each other and wanted to try all the things we used to do just to see if we could still do them.

But we're not out of the woods yet. It hurts. Not unbearable pain. Kind of like being a virgin again. Or the way it would sometimes feel inside when we'd done it too much, too fast or too hard and my body was trying to tell me it needed a break. Not that I ever listened. Back in my old life, that soreness actually used to be a turn-on in a way. It would just make me want more. I was such a slut.:)

Not so now. Now it scares me and makes me freeze up - because the memory of how much more pain there could be is still fresh in my mind.

He's much more ok with that than me. He says we can take it slow, that we have time, that there are always things we could do. A no-brainer really. Not like I didn't know he would wait for me.

I am the one who is freaked out, because I want everything back and I want it NOW. I don't like to feel him being careful with me because it makes me feel less than I used to be. I used to be a match for him, we used to be equals.

It's hard to feel that he has to hold back, that I may not be satisfying him like I used to, or that he might get bored and frustrated if this continues. A friend of mine back home had a C-Section 5 months ago. I asked her and she says she still feels pain. 5 MONTHS? I can't go on like this for 5 months!

I was embarrassed when my doctor chose to volunteer information. Now I am trying to pluck up the courage to tell her am having trouble and ask if maybe there is something she can give me to help. May never happen though.

Blogging anonymously about my sex life is one thing. Having these convos with people face to face is another thing entirely. Especially people who know me and my husband and my family.:(

Maybe I need a new doctor?

What is wrong with me?

I don't think I'm suffering from post-natal depression. Even if I had any tendency to get depressed, I've had to fight so hard to be a mother that sheer relief that it finally happened would have overcome any such tendency. For me, this really is living in a dream come true.

Not particularly hormonal either. Am not irritable or overly anxious these days. At least not anymore than usual. I don't feel I am. And no one else has told me I am.

So what IS wrong with me? What is it that I think I saw that day? What? My husband having an affair?

No. If I thought that I would be angry with him. And am not.

What I feel is not anger. I am scared.

Maybe he wasn't in the middle of an affair when I saw him up there. And maybe he wasn't going up there everyday necessarily for that. But he would have enjoyed the attention. He would have felt attracted and flattered if she seemed to be attracted back.

What man wouldn't? That's just human nature. Even if he didn't take it any further than that, and I wouldn't expect him to, he would still get a kick out of it.

That's what scares me.

There was a time when this sort of incident would have made me think, yeah isn't he hot? And he's with me. I loved to show him off that way. I would have found it funny actually.

But now I can't find that feeling anymore. Possibly because I had it back when I felt as sexy as any of those girls. Because I knew I could flatter him and excite him anytime I wanted to. Because the chemistry between me and him was always so good.

And now I don't feel fun or hot or energetic at all. I feel fat and overtired and unattractive. I feel like I'll never be interested in sex again. Ever.

And then there was a time when K would never have let an incident like that pass without rubbing my face in it. He would have tried to tease me, to make me jealous, maybe to score a few points by drawing parallels with things I had done that made him jealous and saying you see how it feels?

This time, he didn't. Why?

I am scared that things between me and him will never go back to normal again. In that one minute standing there by the pool, I was infused with all his fears of how our lives would change if we had children. All the concerns he was expressing for years, all his reservations about starting a family too soon.

I am scared because if things don't go back to normal, there will be other girls at other poolsides, who are fit and viviacious and have no stitches or bleeding. And who DO want to have sex with him.

I am scared because I don't want my husband to fall out of love with me.

What do you do?

Got up pretty early this morning. I heard the baby crying from the other bedroom where he was sleeping with Mama. When I walked in, she was rocking him back to sleep, half-asleep herself. She told me to go back to bed, that he probably just had a bad dream or something.

Do babies have nightmares?

He did go back to sleep as I stood there watching. So did she. But I couldn't stay away. I wanted to hold him. So I picked him up. He sort of whined and stretched a bit more and then settled down again on my shoulder.

Walked around with him all over the house until I started to tire. So I went into my bedroom and set him down in his crib. Mama was right, as usual. It wasn't time to feed him yet and he didn't need a change. He was fine. It probably was just a bad dream.

It was only then that I realized my husband wasn't home. His cell phone was on the bedside table. Apart from the mosque, the only other place he would go without his phone was up on the roof, to the swimming pool.

Had a quick shower and changed. Then I went up to look for him. In the lift on the way up I realized that - apart from my time in the hospital - this was the first time I'd been out of the apartment since about a week before the baby was born.

Walking past the changing rooms and the health club on my out onto the poolside, I could hear her. A woman laughing.

She was on her way to the changing rooms so we practically ran into each other. A neighbor. One of a group of cabin crew who shared an apartment about 2 floors above us.

She stopped, said hi and congratulations on the baby etc....She told me they would stop by and see me, she and her roommates. And I said all the right things.

Then she left and I continued out a bit further onto the poolside until I caught sight of my husband in the water.

He was swimming like I know him. Doing lengths. So grim in determination. A man with a mission. You'd think he was training for the Olympics or sth.

It made me smile. But then my mind went back to that girl. No one else was there. They'd clearly been in the pool together. And she was laughing. Unless she was crazy, she wouldn't have been laughing unless he'd said - or done - something to make her laugh. She can't have been laughing by herself.

And once my mind started on that track, I couldn't stop. She was so tanned and fit and gorgeous in her bikini. And watching him, I was reminded of how good-looking he was. And how long it had been since we'd had sex. And how fat and sexless I felt these days.

In my head, I started counting how many times he'd been up to the pool lately.

I was reminded of something else. Something stupid I'd ignored at the time. A woman at the hospital had told me that this was her 3rd baby and she never lets her husband attend the birth because it puts men off sex with their wives.

And I thought how my husband had witnessed every gory minute of the birth of our son.

I felt so frightened. Cold, shivering, sickening fear.

Don't know how long I stood there before he saw me. He waved from the water. I didn't wave back. Just stood there staring, while he got out of the pool and walked over.

He looked so worried. And I found myself thinking why? Why was he worried?

I couldn't say anything to him. At that moment, I was afraid of him, of what I was thinking of him, of the horrible visuals I was suddenly having. And then I couldn't even look at him anymore. I had to turn around and get out of there.

I was practically running back to the apartment - and back into the safety of my bed. I just hid under the covers.

I heard him come into the bedroom and check on the baby.

And then he asked me what was wrong, if I was feeling ok.

I didn't want to tell him. Some things you fear so much that you can't bear to say out loud because saying them might make them feel more real.

So I just didn't say anything.

He went and woke Mama up and told her to come and see what was wrong with her crazy daughter, I guess.

I didn't tell my mother either.

He went swimming again this morning.

Just Thinking

1) Happy to be home at last. My hospital room was starting to feel like a prison cell.

2) Overwhelmed: Mama is so good with the baby. I don't know how I can ever be as good as she is. She never panics and always knows exactly what to do. And I still panic at the slightest sign of distress from him and have to call her.

It's stupid to compare, I know. I mean, this is my first baby while my mother has raised 5 children AND she is a doctor. Of course what is overwhelming to me will be a piece of cake for her.

And it doesn't help that I still can't be as active as normal.:(

But still, she will be leaving sooner or later and she is one hard act to follow.

I hope I will pick up enough from her before she leaves.

3) Circumcision is awful. One of the few times in my life when I wished I wasn't born a Muslim. I mean, the way it felt. He's my baby. I just half-died giving birth to him. And they HURT him. And I had to let them when what I really wanted to do was to just BITE all of them until they bled.:(

Anyway, he seems ok now so I guess this is best forgotten.

4) My son has mascara eyelashes. Mashallah. I mean, I wish I could get mine to look like that with mascara. They're so thick and long and dark and beautiful. Guess they're his father's but they show more on him because his face is so tiny.:)

He's sleeping again

Are babies supposed to sleep so much?

Mine is only awake when he's hungry or needs a change.

I can't seem to leave him alone though.

I noticed if I tickle his little feet with my nail, he'll wake up right away.

It's so cute. He's ticklish.:)

Same if I kiss his ear. Or the back of his tiny neck.

I keep finding new ways to wake him.

But he wakes up crying. Not happy that Mommy wants him to get up and play.

YOU won't let HIM sleep because you want to play, my husband asks? Which one of you is the child?

Good question!

I AM a little like a child with a new toy.

Hopefully I'll grow up soon.

Speaking of growing up, I can't wait until I can do everything for him myself.

Don't like that I need so much help with him.

I still haven't bathed him once. Or changed him. Or breastfed him.

I am missing so much.

I wanna get better already!