Saturday, December 19, 2009

Can't win

For one thing, we are now at a point in our marriage where my husband wants more children and I don't. Who would have expected such a massive and complete reversal of roles?

It was a passing comment he made a few days back. A couple of weeks ago, I started taking a few courses at the university to keep my brain alive and get out of the house and meet people - but also in preparation for going back to work eventually. So there we were having a conversation about when would be a good time for me to resume my career in view of our son's needs. And all of a sudden K says u know, if you go back to work it will be difficult to take another break to have another child.

That was a shock. I know my husband well enough to know he wouldn't say something like that unless it's been on his mind for a while AND he's decided he likes the idea. I wasn't dealing with a casual comment here.

I was surprised by how upsetting the idea was. I love my son and to say I am enjoying motherhood would be an understatement. But I only ever wanted one - and that was before I knew what child-birth was actually like.

Me: Well, we're not having anymore children so that's not an issue.

I probably sounded as upset as I felt. And I expected him to drop the subject.

Him: Aren't we?

I set my fork down and really looked at him. And literally felt my heart sink. He meant it. He really did.

Me: Now where is this coming from? Are you saying you WANT to have more children?
Him: Yeah, I guess that's what I am saying.
Me: Why?
Him: Why what?
Me: Why do you want to have more children?
Him: Not sure why there has to be a reason.
Me: You didn't want children at all.
Him: And I recall you once saying you couldn't imagine yourself married and that motherhood was for other people.
Me: K, that's not fair. That was when we first met!
Him: My point is, people's feelings change.

Me: But K, I just had a baby!
Him: 7abibi, I wasn't going to force anything on you. Calm down. We're just having a conversation.
Me(tearing up): I can't go through all of that again. Please don't ask me to.
Him: Khalas, khalas. Let's try to enjoy dinner now. We'll talk about this later at home.

He was right. We didn't have a lot of nights out that we could afford not to enjoy them when we did. After dinner, we met up with some friends of his at a bar and he actually asked me to dance. I took the gesture for what it was - an apology of sorts for upsetting me earlier. He doesn't like to dance and would only do it if he felt he had something to make up to me.

Later at home that night, K carried our sleeping son in from my MIL's room. I watched him settle the baby in his little crib next to my side of our bed, so gently that the baby never woke up. Watching him do that always makes me a little weepy. It is so sweet.

And I could never do it like he can.If I moved the baby he would always wake up and have to be rocked to sleep again. We've long since decided that I am too hyper, and the baby picks up on that and wants to play rather than sleep, that I am better with the baby at playtime and K is better at getting him to sleep. Makes sense really. From Day One, I thought the baby slept too much. At any given time, I am more likely to want to make him wake up than go to sleep.:) I am the only new mother I know so far who -rather than complain that her child doesn't sleep enough - thinks he sleeps too much and is always trying to keep him up. Poor baby!

When K got into bed, I rolled over into his arms and hugged him as hard as I could.

Me: You really want to have another one?
Him: Well, you make such beautiful babies....
Me: You mean, you make such beautiful babies. He looks more like you everyday!
Him: You trying to sweet-talk me out of sth?
Me: Yes.
Him: Quit worrying so much.
Me: What changed your mind so much?
Him: Don't know. Just got used to having one of them around I guess. I thought if we were going to have another one, we should do it soon so they can grow up togther and play together and before you go back to work, that's all.
Me: But I don't want to have another one.
Him: Ok, then I guess that's that.
Me: Really?
Him: Yeah.

Much later:

Me: K?
Him: Hmm?
Me: Are you awake?
Him: I am now.
Me: You're not mad at me, are you?
Him: No. Why?
Me: 'Cos when I wanted to have a baby and you didn't I got really mad at you.
Him: Honey, that's not going to happen. I think it would be nice to have more. But I'm not getting as hormonal or obssessive about it as you did.
Me: I was NOT hormonal and obssessive!
Him: That's ur short-term memory speaking!

I grabbed my pillow and hit him. A wrestling and tickling match ensued during which I screeched and giggled so much that of course the baby woke up and when we didn't pay attention to him, was soon crying his little heart out.

When I picked up the baby, he stopped crying but was clearly raring to go and had no intention of going back to sleep anytime soon. K and I played with him for a little while. Then:

K: Ba2oolik eh khodi ibnik wi itla3i bara. 3ayez anam. 3andi shogl.
Me (as I got up with the baby to leave the room): Khodi ibnik wi itla3i bara? And you're the guy that wants to have more children?

A pillow hit me in the back on the way out.:)


Blogger Me said...

Rabena yekhaleelek your little baby and yej3alo zorreya saali7ah isA :-)

It is a tough decision to make- to have or not have more babies.. and in my opinion no-one should talk to a new mum about it for at least a year! LOL! I think we should do what we think is best for us and leave the rest to Allah.. we plan... but He has His plans :-)

Good to see you're still around... you're a really lovely mama... wanting to keep baby awake!! I wish mine would sleep more :-S

12/22/2009 10:54:00 AM  
Blogger Rain said...

I agree with K, you might have a change of heart someday ;)

12/24/2009 10:41:00 AM  
Blogger Live said...

i second "ME" plus "i hope to put it right"
its well known that if you have your first child you have to follow it with a second one, for psychological reasons, children who used to grow up alone, grow up selfish & consider themselves the center of universe, and as they are used to have the full attention from their parents where none else is sharing them in this attention, they except that every where.

and when K said i want them to grow up together, it makes sense, so there won't be a big gab between them which may cause lack of communication so they can be more friends to each other & their needs will always match.

the first time is always the hardest & try to give it another thought :)

12/27/2009 03:27:00 AM  
Blogger Just Jane said...

I know you had a very difficult childbirth and can understand why the idea of having another is so frightening to you. You should take all the time you need to consider whether you really want to add to your family or not. It is your body and you are the one who will be the one to physically bear the child.

A friend of mine once told me that I would never regret having another child but I might regret not having another. She was right. I do not regret my second child. And now I am expecting my third this summer. Each pregnancy and birth is different. Ultimately it is your choice, LouLou. Best wishes.

12/30/2009 08:54:00 PM  
Blogger nido said...

I believe in that we -as mothers- should do it for ourselves. This might sound selfish but believe me kids will find friends as they grow, some might be closer to them than their own kids. So if you want to get pregnant, don't do it for your kids, do it for yourself...and only once YOU are ready!

I always thought that I need over 3 years to consider having a second child, but it only took me a year :p I'm expecting a second baby inshallah with a little bit over 2 years difference between the two.
Best Wishes and have a hppy new year Loulou :)

12/31/2009 09:49:00 AM  
Blogger Will E. said...

It's not healthy for a baby to be an only child, it creates social problems later on. I would strongly encourage it for the sake of the child rather than the parents.

1/03/2010 03:10:00 PM  

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