Thursday, April 23, 2009

What is wrong with me?

I don't think I'm suffering from post-natal depression. Even if I had any tendency to get depressed, I've had to fight so hard to be a mother that sheer relief that it finally happened would have overcome any such tendency. For me, this really is living in a dream come true.

Not particularly hormonal either. Am not irritable or overly anxious these days. At least not anymore than usual. I don't feel I am. And no one else has told me I am.

So what IS wrong with me? What is it that I think I saw that day? What? My husband having an affair?

No. If I thought that I would be angry with him. And am not.

What I feel is not anger. I am scared.

Maybe he wasn't in the middle of an affair when I saw him up there. And maybe he wasn't going up there everyday necessarily for that. But he would have enjoyed the attention. He would have felt attracted and flattered if she seemed to be attracted back.

What man wouldn't? That's just human nature. Even if he didn't take it any further than that, and I wouldn't expect him to, he would still get a kick out of it.

That's what scares me.

There was a time when this sort of incident would have made me think, yeah isn't he hot? And he's with me. I loved to show him off that way. I would have found it funny actually.

But now I can't find that feeling anymore. Possibly because I had it back when I felt as sexy as any of those girls. Because I knew I could flatter him and excite him anytime I wanted to. Because the chemistry between me and him was always so good.

And now I don't feel fun or hot or energetic at all. I feel fat and overtired and unattractive. I feel like I'll never be interested in sex again. Ever.

And then there was a time when K would never have let an incident like that pass without rubbing my face in it. He would have tried to tease me, to make me jealous, maybe to score a few points by drawing parallels with things I had done that made him jealous and saying you see how it feels?

This time, he didn't. Why?

I am scared that things between me and him will never go back to normal again. In that one minute standing there by the pool, I was infused with all his fears of how our lives would change if we had children. All the concerns he was expressing for years, all his reservations about starting a family too soon.

I am scared because if things don't go back to normal, there will be other girls at other poolsides, who are fit and viviacious and have no stitches or bleeding. And who DO want to have sex with him.

I am scared because I don't want my husband to fall out of love with me.

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7 Comments:

Blogger Puppy said...

I am not an expert in this, but everything will be ok, stiches will heal, u will go back to your fit. No matter how you look, important is to how you feel yourself, so do smth about it, add some romance to your day-to-day.

Everything will be fine!

4/23/2009 06:18:00 PM  
Blogger mnm87 said...

Hi!

I have been following your blog for a long time and I really enjoy your writing style.

I think that even though you might feel upset about your husband entering a different relationship with this cabin crew girl, I would say... do not pay heed to these negative thoughts.

Instead, I would say... focus on what you do have. Your newborn baby and your husband. You have him NOW and that's what matters and InshAllah you will continue to have the strong relationship with him! May it get even stronger with time!

Just focus on the positive!

4/29/2009 08:08:00 PM  
Blogger programmer craig said...

LouLou, I really think you have nothing to worry about now that you didn't have to worry about before. Women will flirt with your husband, and most of the time he will flirt back... just so that he doesn't feel like a dork, if nothing else. That's perfectly normal. And if you didn't marry a man who cheats, he won't ever take it any further than that. If he is a philanderer than pregnancy and childbirth don't really have much to do with it in my opinion. My Dad was that way and I grew up watching him causing problems for his family with his infidelities, so my opinion is based on personal observations. Either way, don't blame yourself. And don't think that if only you looked better, or felt better, or acted differently and so on. Your husband married you because he loves you. You have to trust him. At least until he gives you reason not to. And if that happens, it's a whole different problem. And it really isn't YOUR problem at that point, it is his.

About witnessing child birth putting men off sex... that's probably true, with some guys and not with others. Everyone is different, and human sexuality is a complex thing!

5/02/2009 12:25:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Everybody,

Thanks for your advice. I guess it can be overwhelming to be recovering from surgery, with a new baby on your hands and then suddenly be forcefully reminded in an unexpected manner that you also have a marriage you need to keep working on.

My husband never made any secret of his concern that motherhood might change me - and us. This is why he was so resistant to the idea to begin with.

I now realize that I am kind of like him in the sense that I don't want a traditional, routine, bills-and-chores-and-kids kind of marriage. I want the love and the fire and the romance. I want my husband to be faithful to me because he is attracted and in love with me - not just because we're married with kids and he feels morally bound to me. Nothing is more scary or suffocating to me than that sort of situation.

And it is overwhelming to realize how much work that is going to take on top of my new responsibilities as a mother.

Anyway, I have sometime. I am recovering physically and I hope I will be well enough soon to start working out and get back in shape. I've finally quit my job so at least I don't have THAT on my plate. But I will have to deal with the move to Sweden soon. And the impact on our marriage of living with his parents is yet to be seen. I need to be in the best shape emotionally and physically to deal with this new extended family unit - the baby and the in-laws - and still manage to find space in it for me and him.

I've had time to think - and recover physically - since I wrote these last 2 posts. And I've also had more practice at caring for my baby so things are not as scary as they seemed then.

Sure, there are challenges ahead but inshallah nothing beyond my capabilities.

Wish me luck.:)

5/02/2009 09:32:00 PM  
Blogger Puppy said...

There is nothing one cant do, the only thing is a wish!

Good Luck!;)

5/04/2009 11:49:00 AM  
Blogger Carmen said...

You're probably not suffering from postpartum depression, but don't underestimate the effect of your hormones. Hormones get out-of-whack for many reasons and if childbirth doesn't stimulate them then I don't know what will. It affects our mood.

Having said that, it's understandable why this incident would make you uncomfortable like this. But like all others I really don't think you have anything to worry about. You are an incredibly strong woman and you WILL figure out how to have a passionate marriage with all the responsibilities that come with it. Your husband and your baby are lucky to have someone like you. Just don't beat yourself up right now trying to figure out things out.

5/11/2009 02:48:00 AM  
Blogger Um Naief said...

how are you ?? are you healing and everything getting back to normal?

your hormones will be out of wack for a while... probably why you got so upset about seeing your husband possibly laughing and joking w/ this other woman.

they'll calm down soon enough.

how is the little one?

i'm very happy for you... enjoy your baby... time passes TOOOO FAST. everyone told me that, but it was hard to believe. now he's 27 mths and i look back at pictures and wonder where the time has gone. :)

5/18/2009 04:52:00 PM  

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