Love don't live here anymore?
This morning I woke up freezing from the AC, wrapped around him for warmth. Which is fairly typical because he moves around so much when he's asleep that the duvet never stays on me and I get cold. So I got used to just reaching for him because he is like a human hot water bottle. As much as my circulation sucks and I am always cold, he must have amazing circulation mashallah because his skin always feels hot. And it's easier to find him than to find the duvet and dig it out from under the two of us. But then he would move again in the night and I would get cold and follow him. We'd wake up, uncovered, lying horizontally across the bed sometimes, with me wrapped around his back, nothing like the point we started from, which is each of us in our side of the bed like normal people.
So this morning, I opened my eyes and lay there for a few minutes, not feeling like saying anything, trying to tell from his breathing whether he was awake yet. He was. I guess he must have been listening to my breathing too because I felt him move to get up. I mumbled no, am cold. So he turns over in my arms, pulls me with him so we're lying on the bed the way we're supposed to and then pulls the duvet over the two of us. And I fall asleep again. The next time I wake up, he's gone. And the baby is crying - which tells me my husband is out - because he wouldn't just let the baby cry if he was home and awake. He would have been in here in a second.
As I get up for my son, I think how, a few months ago, if I didn't want him to get up I would have said no stay, hold me and we would have ended up making love. And I would have said I loved him. Over and over again. And eventually he would have said it too.
Waking up with him used to be so romantic.
I noticed something strange. I noticed that I don't say I love my husband anymore. Not to him. And not about him. Not even to myself.
And he's stopped saying it, too. But then he was never as comfortable with that word as I was. Most of the time when he would say it, it would be because I said it first.
And now I am not saying it so I guess it's no surprise that he's not.
I am surprised at me. Is it because we've been together too long? Or because we're married? Or because we're parents? I don't know.
I just find it sad the way the word just seems to have quietly died between us.
I mean, it doesn't sound right anymore to say I love you or I love him about my husband.
I am struggling to understand why. And the thought that jumps out at me is that the word 'love' always comes linked to the word 'I'. And I think in terms of 'I' less and less these days. So much more often than 'I' now, it's 'we'. We went, we thought, we bought etc....
He does it, too.
'Have we forgotten to buy milk again?'
'Are we going out tonight?'
'Let's go to bed'
'Let's get up'
'Oh so we're doing that are we?', usually in reference to the conversation taking a turn he doesn't like.
Our son is not included in the 'we'. It's 'we' and 'he'. It's 'us' feeding him, or 'let's get him settled down to sleep' or 'do we get him this or that'. We, we & us. And he, he & him.
Oh my God. Help me! I have turned into a we!