Tuesday, March 31, 2009

The Waiting

I can never sleep when I am waiting for something to happen.

My husband isn't sleeping very well these days either. We're both waiting, worrying about the same thing.

Night after night, we lie side by side, too exhausted to even talk or touch. We leave the TV on 24 hrs a day now. And we barely know what's on at any given point.

I don't let him leave the house without me either. I am too terrified of going into labor while alone.

Sometimes I regret not having gone home for the baby's birth. My mother really wanted me to. And I guess I let her think I would for a while but in the end, I wanted to be with my husband for this. I know only too well what it's like not to be with him and it's not something I feel up to now.

So now my mother will be arriving on Thursday. I hope she makes it here before anything happens. I wonder how that will go. Mama and I are both high-strung and prone to anxiety. At times of crisis, we drive each other crazy. And I know she is worried about me.

But she is also a doctor and at least on medical issues, she tends to have a calming effect on me because she generally knows what's going on and that it is never as bad as I fear.

When she is actually on the scene, though, it will be interesting to see if it is the professional in her or the mother that will win out, if I will be more her patient or her daughter.:)

This is my first sleepless night without K in a while. He crashed about half an hour ago.

I feel abandoned. At some point, I know I'm not going to be able to keep from waking him up. But I will fight it as long as I can. I know how tired he is.


Sunday, March 29, 2009

Slipping Through My Fingers

Tomorrow - actually 1 hr and 35 min from now - I will be exactly 9 months pregnant. From that point on, I will be officially overdue.

My baby doesn't move so much now. Of course that freaked me out until the doctor explained it is probably because there isn't enough room for him now because he's grown so much.

That was a relief but then I felt sad for him. Poor little thing. All cramped in there.

Today I was listening to "Slipping Through My Fingers" by Abba. It was on the radio. And I choked up.

The song is about a mother watching her daughter grow away from her as she goes to school.

And I thought how my baby is already outgrowing me.