Swine Flu

Yesterday evening, we were invited to dinner at his friend's house. The friend's wife works in public health. She was showing me some posters she's been working on about swine flu.

Suddenly my eyes go to my son - who is at the other end of their living room with K and the guys. The first thing that comes to my mind is how he had a bit of a fever and a stuffy nose last week - which our paediatrician had said was just a common cold. We'd had a couple of difficult nights with him but now all the symptoms seemed to have disappeared.

I started thinking, what if it was more than a common cold? What if the symptoms come back worse? What if we were overlooking something serious?

K must have felt me watching them because he looked up at me and immediately I held out my arms for the baby. He came over and handed him to me. I couldn't help feeling his face and neck and hands for fever. He seemed fine but still I found myself holding him so tight he started to cry. Immediately I felt bad. He'd been playing and giggling and now I had upset him. And I couldn't get him to settle down again. I guess it's true that babies can feel your fear.

K came to take him, asking what was wrong with me. I whispered can we leave? He couldn't hear me over the baby crying and I had to repeat that a little louder. He said no, we were invited to dinner, we couldn't leave before dinner, it would be rude.

And he went back - with the baby - to sit with the men. Suddenly I was irritated with this custom some people had of seating men and women seperately in their home. I was frightened and I wanted both of them next to me. I wanted to go home.

I know I couldn't have been good company for the rest of the evening but I tried my best. After we left, I was kicking myself for not having asked K's friend's wife about swine flu and infants. After all, she is a doctor and she specialized in disease control. She might have had answers. She might even have been able to examine our son and set my mind at ease. But sometimes you don't want to articulate your fears. I just wasn't ready to say swine flu and my child's name is in the same sentence out loud. I just wasn't.

I told K on the way home. Of course, he told me not to be silly, our son was just fine and babies can't just be put through medical tests for nothing. He said we'd probably be putting the child at greater risk if we take him to a disease control center where he might potentially be around people who really do have swine flu.

I couldn't sleep last night. I wouldn't let the baby sleep either for a while until K got really mad and threatened to lock me out of the bedroom if I didn't leave the baby alone.

This morning I called the paediatrician to see if he thought our son needed to be tested for swine flu. He asked me if the baby had had anymore symptoms. I had to say no. So he said essentially the same things K said, that we should just take the usual precautions you take with infants.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I mean, Mad Cow Disease, Bird's Flu etc...all these scares just passed me by and I paid no attention to them. They were on the news but they never happened to anyone I knew and they just didn't register with me. But now I have a child it is different. Everything I hear seems a direct threat to him.

The worst part is that K wants us to leave in August because he has to start work soon. We really can't afford for both of us to be unemployed much longer. And besides his sister goes back to university in Sept and I know his parents can't be left alone.

But I don't know how I am going to travel with my son in the middle of this outbreak. You hear so much about the dangers of travelling and of being on planes. I mean, we know people who've cancelled plans to go to Hajj this year because of swine flu.

Now I am seriously considering asking K if he'd consider leaving me and the baby behind until after the summer months when less people are travelling. Maybe this swine flu would have passed by then.

We still have a few months left on our lease but I'm not sure how I'd get the visas to work though. I don't know how long my old company would continue to sponsor me now that I've resigned. I mean, it was nice of them to leave me on their visa so long after the birth - and to agree to sponsor my son too. I have a feeling they did it because they're hoping I'll come back to work. And if I want to stay a little longer I might have to consider taking a temporary post with them anyway - to help finance my stay.

Which just shows how far I have come, that I would actually consider letting my husband get away from me again. That's something I swore I'd never do again.

And convincing him isn't going to be easy either. He'll probably get upset that I would even ask - after everything we've been through. And he'll say how expensive it is to live here, that we've already spent so much what with having a baby and all, that it would be a waste of money we don't have etc....

It is so complicated.:(

7 weeks

The baby is 7 wks old now. Born in the same month as his father but different horoscopes. My husband is a Taurus - and a pretty typical one at that. My baby is an Aries.

The stars say that on the good side, my son will be adventurous, energetic, pioneering, courageous, enthusiastic, confident, dynamic and quick-witted. On the dark side, he will be selfish, quick-tempered, impulsive, impatient, foolhardy and daredevil.

Funny.:)

Such big words for such a tiny creature. Am being ridiculous I know. Just tempted to cheat time a little and try to get a sense of his peronality.

The thought just struck me all of a sudden that hey, he is a real person - with a birthday and a horoscope and everything.

He doesn't look a lot like K's baby pic - the one I was fixated on before he was born. That could be because K was 8 months old in that pic. Strangely enough, everyone thinks he looks like K NOW. The coloring, the eyes, some of the mannerisms. But am not seeing it. I see the eyes of course. They're pure K.

But I guess I was so focused on the little boy in the pic for so long that it's taking me a while to realize that this little boy doesn't actually look much like my husband now.

Oh, well. You can never really tell. My brother looked nothing like my father when he was little. Nothing. They didn't even look related because my father is blond and European-looking and my brother is dark-haired and dark-skinned, takes a lot after my mother's family. So when we were little, people would say my bro looks like my mom.

But when my bro was about 16 or 17, all of a sudden, he is the spitting image of my father. Like you made a mask of my father's face, colored it a bit darker, added a few aging effects and stuck it on my bro. And he grew to exactly the same height & build as my dad. And had the same shaped ears and legs. It was just freaky.

Same with my little sis, she's a fairer-skinned, younger-looking replica of my mother. Again, it is so odd to see two people look so much alike while at the same time looking like they're not even from the same race.

The rest of us take bits and pieces from both our parents but don't really look like either one of them.

It is all pretty random, isn't it?

I am surprised by how easily my son seems to fit into my daily life now - given the initial panic. My mother left us last week. I miss her a lot. And I know the baby does too. He kind of bonded with her and is still a bit whinier than usual whenever I try to put him to sleep.

But things are going so smoothly now. Maybe because my husband and I are both not working and so we have no other daily obligations? Or maybe because I was never much of a sleeper anyway so am not feeling the effect of sleep-deprivation new mothers usually complain about?

I mean, I seem to be awake most of the time anyway whenever the baby is. And his needs are so simple. He really doesn't take up as much of my day as I thought a newborn baby would. Infact, I often find myself bored while he's sleeping and wishing he'd get up and play.

Especially now that my mother is gone and the daily barrage of visitors and well-wishers has stopped. Serving and entertaining all these guests was a big part of what was keeping us so busy. People would come both to see my mother because they hadn't seen her in so long and to see me and the baby.

In a way, it was good for the baby. At the hospital, he was so anti-social and would cry whenever he was surrounded with a lot of people or someone other than me would try to pick him up. Now he loves the attention and unless he is sleepy or hungry - which makes him a bit fussy - he is ready to go to anyone who wants to hold him.

My husband and I try to keep that to a minimum though. Babies are so fragile at that age and some people really don't know how to hold babies which drives us nuts. Or when someone who clearly has a bad cold tries to pick him up. That makes me FURIOUS. It's just so inconsiderate. I would never go near a small child when I'm sick like that.

I leave it to K to tell people no on occasions like this. He is much better at telling people no without offending them than I am.

A lot of the time, the baby just sleeps in his pram or his crib. Noises don't seem to wake him anymore. He'll sleep when we have the TV on, when we have guests, or when we're out. And the car seems to have a really soothing effect on him.

For the last week or so, we've had no guests so we've been going out almost everyday - either for a meal or shopping or just for a drive. We have to be careful of course. No sheesha places. No smoky restaurants or bars. We have to find clean, child-friendly places to go to.

But music or other loud noises don't seem to scare him anymore. And all our friends think he's really cute. He's the youngest child in our circle right now and so is the always the star and the main topic of conversation. And he seems to be ok with it. Which is cool - that he is as outgoing as his mother. I mean, I can tell we're really going to get along.:)

Alhamdullilah, we seem to have been blessed with a really sweet-tempered child.

Then there is my husband. What can I say? The way he suddenly switched from not wanting children to being a full-time, engaged, loving, PERFECT father. All my friends say am lucky for how involved he is and how much he helps out. K was actually changing the baby and bathing him before I did - when I was so sick.

But of course, we don't talk about it. He gets all evasive and embarrassed whenever anyone brings it up. Am happy to leave it alone though. I mean, I got what I wanted really, and more. So what's there to nag about? Enough nagging and arguing was done before the baby was born. Am all argued out about this particular subject.

As of last week, we started having sex. A few days after the doctor said we could. That was an awkward interview with the doctor. I mean, my doctor is a sweetheart and I love her to death but she's never been exactly shy. A little on the crude side infact.

The two of us had not even talked about having sex in months. I hadn't even changed infront of him in AGES because I felt fat and just didn't want him or anyone to see my body in the current state.

And then we go for a doctor's appointment and she chooses to throw that at us. We were having trouble looking at each other in the car. All of a sudden there was all this tension. Like what are we supposed to do now? Go home and have sex?

I didn't feel ready. I didn't feel ready to talk about how not ready I am. And I didn't know if he even wanted to. And I just didn't want to talk about it.

I think we both felt the pressure of how our physical relationship was before and the feeling that we were more or less starting from scratch now and would we ever be able to live up to what we had before and just not knowing what to expect from now on in that quarter.

Not surprisingly, nothing happened that day. I missed my mother so much. I mean, having her around created a buffer. We didn't have those endless hours of being alone at home together. Where do you hide? How do you avoid anything?

Then I guess he decided he'd had enough of us tiptoeing around each other and that we needed to get over it. And so he picked a moment when I was sleeping, off-guard and just didn't give me time to think about it. I'd forgotten how good he was at that.

It felt good to be held and touched by him again. Something I really missed. After the first time and once I was fully awake - it was like a dam burst. We couldn't get enough of each other and wanted to try all the things we used to do just to see if we could still do them.

But we're not out of the woods yet. It hurts. Not unbearable pain. Kind of like being a virgin again. Or the way it would sometimes feel inside when we'd done it too much, too fast or too hard and my body was trying to tell me it needed a break. Not that I ever listened. Back in my old life, that soreness actually used to be a turn-on in a way. It would just make me want more. I was such a slut.:)

Not so now. Now it scares me and makes me freeze up - because the memory of how much more pain there could be is still fresh in my mind.

He's much more ok with that than me. He says we can take it slow, that we have time, that there are always things we could do. A no-brainer really. Not like I didn't know he would wait for me.

I am the one who is freaked out, because I want everything back and I want it NOW. I don't like to feel him being careful with me because it makes me feel less than I used to be. I used to be a match for him, we used to be equals.

It's hard to feel that he has to hold back, that I may not be satisfying him like I used to, or that he might get bored and frustrated if this continues. A friend of mine back home had a C-Section 5 months ago. I asked her and she says she still feels pain. 5 MONTHS? I can't go on like this for 5 months!

I was embarrassed when my doctor chose to volunteer information. Now I am trying to pluck up the courage to tell her am having trouble and ask if maybe there is something she can give me to help. May never happen though.

Blogging anonymously about my sex life is one thing. Having these convos with people face to face is another thing entirely. Especially people who know me and my husband and my family.:(

Maybe I need a new doctor?

I feel......

1) Relieved because against all odds,I gave birth to a healthy, 3.8 kg baby boy. And I mean against all odds, because for a while in there, no one was sure the baby would make it. Or that I would make it for that matter.

2) Cheated because my pregnancy was so easy and pain-free in so many ways that I was completely unprepared for the way things went so horribly wrong in the last 48 hrs.

3) Traumatized. I was in so much pain I passed out. And didn't come to again until after the C-Section was over.

And I am still in a lot of pain. Everything hurts. Holding my baby hurts. Moving hurts. Laughing hurts. Coughing hurts. Going to the bathroom. Even now, lying in a hospital bed on my side, typing on my laptop, I hurt if I make a sudden movement. Nothing in my world is pain-free anymore.

Suffice it to say, I will never again believe the hype about the beauty of birth. The only beautiful thing about it is lying sleeping next to me right now. Other than that, it is the most brutal, bloody, ugly thing I have ever experienced in my life and anyone who ever told me otherwise was lying to me.

I don't know why I am so shocked by it. After all, I had a miscarriage before. That should have prepared me. But you see, I thought the miscarriage was so painful because it was a failed pregnancy as opposed to a normal, healthy birth. I let myself believe that 'normal' and 'healthy' also meant the pain would be less, or that, like so many people said, I would be so overtaken by the joy of motherhood that I somehow won't feel the pain.

For 48 hrs I hurt so much I never thought of the baby or motherhood once. The only other human being I had any awareness of was my mother. It was so surreal. My husband, the baby, it was like they didn't even exist. I was a helpless, broken child and I just wanted my mother to make me better. Thank God she was there. Without her, I think I would have just given up and died.

Whatever. I always said I only wanted one child. And now I know for sure. Alhamdulillah one million times that I carried to term this time because now I know what is involved, there is no way I would ever willingly put myself through it again.

4) Glad that I only became aware of my son after the worst was over, that I wasn't awake for the actual birth and that no one tried to hand him to me or expected me to want to hold him in the middle of it. I am forever grateful that my first memory of seeing him was not ruined with all that blood and gore and pain.

More importantly, I am glad he wasn't hurt by the complications of the birth and that he is too little to remember it or be as traumatized by it as I am.

When I had my miscarriage I couldn't get over the feeling that I was a bad, unnatural mother somehow because my body couldn't sustain that baby like a mother's body is supposed to. Now there is joy because this time, even though I went through hell, HE came through it ok.

5) Humbled that the first time I held my son, he stopped crying, that even now, he cries if anyone else is holding him and only quiets down in my arms, that he recognizes me somehow. This means a lot especially because I am not able to breastfeed him yet because of all the painkillers and other medications I am on. I was afraid he wouldn't know I was his mother because of that.

Or strangely enough, that he would bond with my mother - or my husband - first because since I am still not able to carry him unless I am sitting down or in bed, they have to carry him around for me so much. Isn't that crazy? That I would be jealous of my husband or my own mother?

I feel like I've known and loved my son for 9 months already. And it's good to feel he knows too, on some level.

6) So much in love.

This morning, as my husband helped me out of bed to keep me moving around like the doctors said I should, I heard - from others, not from him - how he never left my side, how because he was a surgeon, he insisted on being allowed to scrub in to be with me even inside the theater. Standing there, leaning on him, I had the thought that he'd seen the whole thing, even the parts of it that I wasn't awake for. I thought what that must have been like for him.

I swear, it was like waking up from a dream. I hadn't really thought of him for days. He was just there, in the background. I don't think that until that point, I'd even looked at him properly or said anything to him that wasn't said on auto-pilot since the first few hours of labor.

And suddenly, this blurred picture comes into focus and becomes crystal clear. I have a man who loves me and takes care of me even when I can't love him back or even be aware of him. I didn't know what to say. All I could do was squeeze him so tight I nearly hurt myself.

And he laughed and said hey be careful, your stitches.

He went home to get some sleep a little while ago. And I'm in bed with our son sleeping next to me. I can still hear him laugh. It makes me smile.:)

The Waiting

I can never sleep when I am waiting for something to happen.

My husband isn't sleeping very well these days either. We're both waiting, worrying about the same thing.

Night after night, we lie side by side, too exhausted to even talk or touch. We leave the TV on 24 hrs a day now. And we barely know what's on at any given point.

I don't let him leave the house without me either. I am too terrified of going into labor while alone.

Sometimes I regret not having gone home for the baby's birth. My mother really wanted me to. And I guess I let her think I would for a while but in the end, I wanted to be with my husband for this. I know only too well what it's like not to be with him and it's not something I feel up to now.

So now my mother will be arriving on Thursday. I hope she makes it here before anything happens. I wonder how that will go. Mama and I are both high-strung and prone to anxiety. At times of crisis, we drive each other crazy. And I know she is worried about me.

But she is also a doctor and at least on medical issues, she tends to have a calming effect on me because she generally knows what's going on and that it is never as bad as I fear.

When she is actually on the scene, though, it will be interesting to see if it is the professional in her or the mother that will win out, if I will be more her patient or her daughter.:)

This is my first sleepless night without K in a while. He crashed about half an hour ago.

I feel abandoned. At some point, I know I'm not going to be able to keep from waking him up. But I will fight it as long as I can. I know how tired he is.

Slipping Through My Fingers

Tomorrow - actually 1 hr and 35 min from now - I will be exactly 9 months pregnant. From that point on, I will be officially overdue.

My baby doesn't move so much now. Of course that freaked me out until the doctor explained it is probably because there isn't enough room for him now because he's grown so much.

That was a relief but then I felt sad for him. Poor little thing. All cramped in there.

Today I was listening to "Slipping Through My Fingers" by Abba. It was on the radio. And I choked up.

The song is about a mother watching her daughter grow away from her as she goes to school.

And I thought how my baby is already outgrowing me.

Adjusting

On the phone the night he spent in a neighboring Gulf state for the visa renewal, the same day we found out the baby's gender:

Me (on a friend of his who is having issues with his gf): Does he love her?
K : Yes. But when is love enough for you women?
Me : Of course it is.
K : No it's not. Yeah, you'll say that at first, that all you want is to be loved. But when you find someone who loves you to death, it's not good enough because then you want marriage, then one kid and then another and then a big house in the suburbs etc.... And then you forget you only wanted to be loved. And these other things wind up being what it's all about, not the guy himself anymore.
Me : K, that's not going to happen to us.
K : Tiftikri?
Me : For me, it will always be about you. The marriage was just a legal way for us to be together without having to look over our shoulder, or hurt other people I love very much. I wasn't looking for a husband when I met you. I married you because I couldn't stay away from you and I couldn't be with you any other way.
K : Yeah, I remember. That's how it started and...
Me : And that's how it's going to be. You're my husband because I love you. Not the other way around. Have I done anything to make you think my feelings have changed?
K : In the future, if things aren't as good between us as they are now, won't you be thinking I have to stay with him because of the kid?
Me: No. I'll be thinking I have to stay with him because I love him. We've had bad patches before. You and me is not always pretty is it? And there was no baby and am still here aren't I?
K : Well we haven't been together very long as relationships go, L. And most of it you spent trying to have a baby.
Me : And your point is?
K : I don't know. Doesn't matter now anyway.
Me : K, if it doesn't matter then why did you bring it up? If it's important enough for you to start something then why don't you finish what you started?
K : It's not that important.
Me : It's important to me. I want to know what's going on in your head. What are you so afraid of?
K : Afraid?

Inside, I am kicking myself. I should have known better than to suggest to Mr.Macho that he might actually have fears. I'll be lucky if that doesn't make him clam up again just to cover up what he would see as a lapse into weakness and sissyhood.

Fortunately it doesn't. Whew. Better be more careful next time.

Me : Then what exactly?
K : I just wish I could have had you to myself a little longer before we had to get into all this. Is that so bad?
Me : Oh K, you do have me. I wouldn't want to have your baby so much if you didn't have me. I never wanted children until you. I want your child because I want more of you. It's all the same thing. Why can't you see that?
K : More of me? You mean like a clone?
Me : Something like that. Only he won't be just a clone. He'll be his own person too. But he will always be a piece of you and a piece of me. A human being who exists only because we're together and we love each other. I mean, doesn't that blow your mind?
K : It does, when you put it like that. I guess this is all just going to take some getting used to.
Me : I wish you were here tonight.
K : I miss you too.
Me : See? We're still in love.
K : Sure we are. Sorry if I made it sound like we're not.

Later:

K : You still think the baby will look like me?
Me : Yes. All our children will look like you.
K : All our children? Na3am yakhti? How many are we having ISA?
Me : Just one ISA. K, it was just a figure of speech.
K : So what makes you so sure he will look like me?
Me : Am not sure wala shi. It's just a feeling.
K : I don't really want a clone you know.
Me : Even if he looks like you, he still won't be a clone. I mean, people are more than their looks. But I think it would be good if he looks like you.
K : Ishmi3na ya3ni?
Me : Because I think you're gorgeous. Your eyes, your smile, your coloring. You're just hot. You know that. Stop fishing for compliments.
K : Can't stop fishing now. I have to get what I can before the competition gets here.

He says it like he's joking though. So I decide to let it go.

On the phone from my office a day or two afterwards:

Me : How do you like (boy's name)?
K : Who?
Me : The name, K. For the baby.
K : Oh. I thought it was (another boy's name I mentioned to him the day before)?
Me : Well, I always like (first boy's name). Bas I like what this one means bil3arabi. And it's easy to pronounce for non-Arabs. Today I thought that since he's going to grow up in Europe, he shouldn't have to deal with everybody mispronouncing his name.
K : Yeah. Sounds like a plan.
Me : That's what you said when I asked you yesterday about the other name.
K : Ma3laish ista7milini. Ana sa3at kida ab2a mokarar wi momil.
Me : I didn't say that, K. I just wondered which one you like better.
K : They're both good names.
Me : Or maybe you prefer something else altogether?
K : No. Nothing comes to mind right now.
Me : Ok, let me put it this way. Am having trouble deciding between these two names. Can you help me? You know, being the father and all?
K : L, just go with both names. Lots of people have double names.
Me : I don't want to give him two names.
K : Well, then it sounds like you've already decided.
Me : Do you want to talk about this?
K : I thought we were talking about it.
Me : You're not contributing much.
K : What do you want me to say exactly?
Me : Tell me what you would like your son to be named. Come up with at least one idea of your own. You do that easily enough when other people consult you about their kids. Am your wife. This is your child. You should have at least one idea.
K : 7abibti, we still have 2 months, right?
Me : Yes?
K : So why do I have to answer this now?
Me : You don't have to do anything, K. I just thought you might want to.
K : You know, you should talk to my mother. She's got lots of ideas.

And I wanted to strangle him. Instead, I let it drop.

Late last night:

Me : What are you looking at?
K : You.
Me : Why are you staring like that? You've seen me before.
K : Not like this.
Me : Like how?
K : Don't think I've seen you as happy as you are these days. It's just nice to watch.
Me : 7abibi, aren't you happy too?
K : I am if you are.
Me : You know, you really scare me sometimes.
K : Leh ya 7abibi?
Me : You make me feel like am going to have to do this alone.
K : Do what?
Me : Raise our son, K. Be a parent.
K : Hey, come here.
Me : What?
K : Come back to bed.

So I do. And he takes me in his arms.

K : I will always take care of you, you hear? Always. Tool mana 3ayesh, you don't have to do anything alone. Not unless you want to. And maybe not even then if I don't like what you're going to do.

His lips are on my forehead at this point so I can feel him smile with that last bit. He's trying to calm me down, to defuse the tension.

I want to say to him but it's not just me I need you to take care of. It's not just about me and you anymore. There's someone else. Why isn't he as real to you as he is to me? Why can't you see him?

But I don't say any of that. Have been trying not to get frustrated with his lack of enthusiasm about impending fatherhood. It's the least I can do for him given how good he's been to me lately, how well he's taking care of me. My husband deserves that I should give him time, try to understand where he's coming from, to help him adjust.

Sometimes though, I do get a little sad and anxious for my baby. I want things to be perfect for him when he arrives. And a father who is still dragging his feet this late in the proceedings is not perfect by any means.

Seriously though, what makes some men so resistant to the idea of fatherhood? I mean, it's not like my husband is some wild, selfish, irresponsible adolescent worried that children will cramp his sytle. He's a grown man who has had family responsibilities for years. He's used to taking care of others and he is good at it. And he generally likes kids and is liked by them. So what is it about having his own children that puts him off?

Still, I can't help feeling optimistic these days. I am in such a good mood. Like he said, we still have 2 months. I'll keep working on him.

It's a boy:)

I knew it!I knew it! I knew it!

And everybody told me I was crazy.

We found out today. None of that waiting to be surprised stuff for me. I want to know as much as I can about my baby, as soon as I can. Every little piece of information makes him feel a little closer.

Funny I should worry about closeness when he is inside me, isn't it? He'll probably never be as close to me in his life as he is now.

But still I can't wait to see him, to get to know him, to hold him.

And God it feels good to finally be able to say him without qualification. He's a real person already, with a gender and everything.

I literally live for the scans - and his movements. I can't call them kicks because it doesn't feel like he's kicking me. It just feels like he's turning over to get comfortable. Maybe I am being fanciful but I think I can actually feel hands and elbows as well as feet now.

I wish I could get a scan everyday. Or more than one a day. I just have this need to see him. Only - indulgent though she maybe - I don't think my doctor would go along with that.

K is out of town tonight. He will be back tomorrow night. He had to leave the country to get a new visit visa. He's been illegal for over a week now with every day costing us money which could be better-spent elsewhere. But we've been going through this weird Siamese twins phase where 24 hrs seem like too long to not be together. So we just kept delaying his flight day after day until we finally managed to get him on that plane tonight.

I miss him tonight.

But am so excited about this latest discovery.

So to recap. I have a husband who is not only out of work - but who has also been an illegal alien for the last week or so. And I am about to quit my job. And I am 7 months pregnant.

It's quite likely our son will come into the world to find BOTH his parents out of work. What are the chances we will one day send this kid to Harvard?

And I can't remember when I've been happier in my entire life than I am today.

So I guess insanity is a common symptom of pregnancy huh?

This and That

Everyone told me that I would experience cravings while pregnant. But the reverse is happening. I am going off an increasing number of foodstuffs. It's not that I have no appetite. That's all in the past now. I still wake up feeling nauseaous in the morning but it goes away as soon as I get up and start moving about.

But I can't eat pizza anymore for example. We would order a pizza with all my favorite toppings from my favorite restaurant and I would be starving. But the minute I take a bite and see that sticky mozarella stretching out all white it just feels icky and I don't want it anymore. Still hungry though so we wind up having to order something else for me.

It happens when we go to restaurants too. I used to love sweet and sour sauce. Sweet and sour chicken was one of my favorite chinese dishes. And spring rolls dipped in sweet and sour sauce. But last night we went to a Chinese restaurant for dinner and I ordered my usual. Hot and sour veggie soup for starters and then sweet and sour chicken. And the same thing happened. I took one bite of my chicken and suddenly the sweet flavor was sickly.

Lost in conversation with my husband though, I pushed the chicken dish aside and just ate the rice side dish. When I finished that, I was still hungry. So I tried to eat the chicken again. And again I couldn't manage more than one bite.

K: Eh? Mabtaklish leh? (Why aren't you eating?)
Me: Ma3rifsh. Jo3ana. (Don't know. Am hungry.)
K: Tab koli. (So eat)
Me (feeling bad because I keep doing this): I don't know. I don't think I like sweet and sour anymore.
K: Wala yihimik(Don't worry). Wanna try mine?
Me: Maybe.

So we shared his food. And once we were done with it, we were both still hungry. So he ordered one more of the same. And because I wasn't sure I wanted more seafood, he ordered a couple more dishes just to make sure something will work for me.

The waiter must have thought we were nuts. I love my husband for not getting impatient when I do this because it seems to get on a lot of other people's nerves.

I also can't seem to eat anything I cooked myself. It's like once I see, touch and smell raw food, I can't get those sensations out of my mind. So when it's all cooked up and ready to eat it still tastes and smells raw to me. So we sometimes wind up having to order food after I've cooked.

Other foods I can't eat anymore:

1) Chocolate cake.
2) Vanilla ice cream.
3) Mayonnaise.
4) Eggs of all types.
5) Lamb.

No.5 we learnt because of Eid. In keeping with religious ritual and tradition, we slaughtered a lamb yesterday. I don't mean we actually did it. My husband went out and bought one and had it slaughtered and carved up and brought the meat home. And with help from my aunt, cousins and friends, I cooked most of the meat. One third of it had to be given away to the poor so my husband took it to the mosque. The other third we gave away to family and friends. He also delivered those house to house.

The last portion is supposed to be ours. But it is still too much food for just the two of us. And my husband doesn't eat frozen meat so deep-freezing any of it wasn't really an option. So in keeping with tradition, we had both my uncles, their wives, my cousins, my friends, his friends and their partners/spouses for lunch.

I did most of the cooking but couldn't eat a bite of lamb. Wound up having the soup, salad and some rice. And then lots of deserts. Thank god I didn't make any of the Eid sweets!

I don't know if it was the lamb or the fact that I had to cook it myself. But after yesterday, I just find the idea of lamb completely unappetizing.

At this rate, with 4 months to go, I'll find myself with a ravenous appetite and nothing known to man that I can actually bear to put in my mouth.

In other news, me and my baby are getting to be quite good friends. I can now hear the heartbeat quite clearly at the doctor's. My husband even thinks he can hear it sometimes if he puts his head to my stomach.

And this baby looks a lot more human now in the scans. I can see the fingers of both hands which is really cute and just makes my heart turn over. I feel even more strongly now that it's a boy. We don't know the gender yet officially but I mean, he just LOOKS like a little boy to me.

It's more than a little frustrating that my visa wasn't finalized before the holidays because now with so many holidays, it is unlikely anything final will be completed before next year. K and I decided that if we don't get to leave in the next month or so, we want to wait until after the baby is born. It's a long flight and neither one of us wants to chance it if I am further along than 7 months. Most airlines don't allow you to fly if you're 6 or 7 months along anyway. I don't really like the idea of going into labor in-flight - particularly not premature labor.

At any rate, we have now been officially informed that my application is approved. It is showing as approved on the website. But we still have to wait to receive some papers in the mail and then get an appointment for one more interview at the embassy.

It's good because it means I might not have to change doctors. I am really comfortable with my doctor and wasn't looking forward to having to get used to someone new so late in the pregnancy.

But it is tough on my husband though because there are frequent rows with his sister for not taking care of their parents as she should. She means well really. She's a good kid and she loves her parents. She is just not very disciplined. And K is extremely disciplined so they clash over things like missed doctor's appointments and her taking the car and going out with her friends all day and leaving her mother stuck at home with no car in bad weather etc....Stuff like that. Sometimes I think he is being too tough on her. To the point where she might just get intimidated and bail out and leave it all to him. And other times, I really have to share his frustration. Mostly I try to keep the peace.

There's an underlying fear that something bad will happen over there while he is here with me. And that he might then never forgive me for being the cause of his not being there.

There is also sadness because I can't go out and decorate a room for my baby. I see so much adorable baby stuff and I would have wanted the perfect nursery. But what's the point in doing that here when we're leaving either before or immediately after the birth?

We will be staying with his parents for the forseeable future. At least until we find a buyer for his house so we can buy something closer to them. Property markets worldwide aren't great at the moment so that maybe sometime. And I accepted that without complaint. It felt like the least I could do for him, given how well he is taking care of me and how worried he is about his parents.

But the idea of leaving the apartment we got married in to go and live in a room - or even a couple of rooms - in somebody else's house is still hard to accept. Last time we were there, privacy was such an issue that I was scared of having sex incase we were overheard which would have been mortifying to me. I mean, who wants to be overheard by your in-laws? That's such a passion-killer.

Even private conversations, we would be whispering inside our room sometimes. The rooms on the top floor are all so close together. I mean, after having this big apartment to ourselves, that is going to be one big adjustment.

I have to admit that dealing with his father's condition from such close quarters is also something I am dreading. Last time, I found it difficult to even be in his father's room. I hope I will be strong enough to help as much my husband needs me to.

I know he is feeling bad about everything I am having to give up because of his family situation. And what I've said to him is that as long as we can stay together I will put up with anything and do my best to help and not be in the way.

I mean it too. I know my new situation is going to take some getting used to but the bottom line is I will do it for him. Everytime I feel that flutter in my belly I think I would do anything for the man who is responsible for it. Anything, that is, except let him get away from me again.

Just stuff

On random guys who might have harrassed me at parties:

Him: That should have been me.
Me: That should be you what? Harrassing me?
Him: Looking at you like that. Thinking about doing you.
Me: K, we're in bed. Am having your baby. And you're upset because you didn't get to harrass me at parties? When you don't even like parties?
Him:Hmm...maybe you have something there. This is better.


On the fact that we sold my car - his gift to me on our first anniversary - on Friday:

Him: When things get settled, I'll make it up to you.
Me (crying): You don't have to make it up to me. You didn't have to buy me a car. I never expected you to. And I wasted all your money. And I haven't even paid you back yet. So don't sit there and talk about making it up to me. Don't you think I feel bad enough?
Him: Khalas, Khalas. Ma tday2ish nafsik. I won't make it up to you. I'll charge you interest. Just stop crying before you hurt yourself.

When I woke him up at night once because I had a nightmare that the reason my breasts are so huge now is that they're stuffed full of cancerous lumps:

Him(mumbling): Alf ba3d elshar 3laiki.

And he goes back to sleep.

Me (shaking him): Wake up. I am telling you I have breast cancer.
Him: L., you don't have cancer. Go back to sleep.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Because they feel fine to me. Ma kontish haskot ya3ni. Breasts don't just turn into lumps.
Me: You don't care if it's all cancer. You're just pleased they're bigger.
Him (sitting up): Ok, tell me what I can do to prove to you that I care.
Me: I almost had cancer once before. I have a history.
Him: 7abibi, you did not almost have cancer. You thought you had a lump and you didn't. You imagined it. That's not the same as having a history of cancer. You're fine. You're just pregnant.
Me: I was a smoker for years.
Him: Yeah, not the smartest move. Bas el7amdullilah 2dar wi lataf. If it will make you feel better niroo7 nikshif bokra elsob7.
Me: Ok.
Him: Ba3dain meen a2lik that I'm pleased they're bigger? You're pleased they're bigger. You thought you were too small. I thought they were just fine. I never had any complaints.
Me: Fine now or fine before?
Him: You know what? That's the kind of philosophical question......
Me (finishing his sentence): You don't want to deal with in the middle of the night?
Him: Right. Come on. Let's go back to sleep. Rabena yihdeeki.

And he did take me to the doctor in the morning. I couldn't have a mammogram because the doctor thought it might be risky for the baby. So I had an ultrasound which showed no solid lumps. No further testing is needed or recommended for the moment. Alhamdullilah, I don't have cancer.

Battles Lost, Battles Won

So he always thought I should be more reserved. A long-standing complaint is that I am too approachable, too much of a party-animal, not selective enough about who I mix with etc...

When I would argue, he would listen. At least he would appear to. He would appear to put up with it.

Now he says he tried and tried but he just can't put up with it anymore, that I have to change, that he is out of patience. He even plays the motherhood card now, tells me I have to change certain things because am going to be a mother.

The true extent of what I am being asked to do is becoming clear. It's not just a question of not going to clubs without him or not getting photographed while I do it. It's deeper than that. It's teaching myself to think of his feelings as I interact with people when we're not together. Something I still struggle with. He may always be on my mind. I may think of him and talk about him a lot when he is not with me. But I behave pretty much the way I always have. When I am out in the world, I have this different persona. The extrovert, the life and soul of the party, the girl who is ready to be with anyone as long as she doesn't have to be alone for a moment.

That's what it's about. It's not having people in my life whose presence there I cannot explain to him. That's what he really hates. Not that I go to clubs but that he has no idea who I'm with when we're not together, because a lot of the time I don't know myself ahead of time who I'll end up spending an evening or an afternoon with. He hates that I am in pictures with guys whose names I don't know. He hates that we can go out in public and I can be greeted by guys and then when he asks, I can't remember how or when I might have met them. He hates that there are still people who know me but don't know I'm even married and don't know he's my husband. Not because I mean to hide it. Simply because I might have ever met them only once - for one outing - years and years ago. All leftovers from a lifetime of just hanging out with anybody and talking to anybody to avoid being alone.

It's always been a point of contention that he likes to surround himself with a small group of people he trusts while I just like to surround myself with people. Stability, familiarity matter to him. Even his wild friends - much as I dislike them - he's known them forever. He likes to get to know people one at a time so he can take his time and seize them up and figure out if he trusts them before they're allowed to become part of his life. And now I am part of his life and he can't keep track of the people around me.

In response to the latest clash, I can't find the usual sense of rebellion. I can't hear the voices inside me that used to tell me that I have to be myself, that I can't allow him to mold me into his image of the perfect wife, that he should accept me as I am. Or the other voices that say well he can never be there for me all the time. There will be times when he chooses to withdraw from my life - either physically or emotionally - because he has other priorities or because he is punishing me for something. And what do I do then? Am so used to not being alone. I have no idea what to do with myself when am alone. None of that is resonating this time. Not really.

And - because he knows me so well, he can sense that this time I am not up to much of a fight, so he won't stop pushing until he gets his own way, once and for all. He won't execute a tactical retreat like he used to do in the past when he could sense I wasn't ready to back down.

Another reason why he wants this resolved now is that we are about to start a new life. This is my city. The city where I grew up. The life I have had since before I even met him. But when we leave here, I will be on his turf instead of mine. And he wants to make sure that our new social life is established on premises he is more comfortable with.

I guess he wants what he wants more than I want the opposite. I don't want to be a social butterfly badly enough to withstand all the hassle. I don't want my freedom enough to pay for it by putting up with his disapproval, his lack of attention - especially not now.

And he clearly wants me to change enough to put us both through whatever it takes, for as long as it takes for me to back down.

So he wins.

I think I've already changed. Probably not in the healthiest way possible, which would have been out of true conviction that it is right thing to do. I've changed because the look on his face when he saw that picture - and some of the more memorable things he said to me over this and similar things in the past - are haunting me in a manner that is affecting the way I behave. I've changed because after the long separation, I need him to be with me 100% and he's shown that he's perfectly capable of being physically here and yet being so distant that I am as deprived as when he was away. I've changed because I am having his baby and it is an experience I don't want anything to keep us from sharing as much as we can. It is so sad that we were not talking the first time I felt the baby move, that the state of affairs between us forced me to use our baby as an emotional bribe to get his love and attention. The same way I've had to use my doctor's appointments, my scans etc.....

Our baby is worth more than that. My baby deserves more than to be a bargaining chip for anyone - especially me.

Congratulations

To America. Not just for electing what appears to be the better candidate. Also for successfully getting through another peaceful transition of power some of us can only envy.

Congratulations also for setting an example for other societies still struggling with racial identity issues.

Here's hoping that this new presidency will bring all things successful for Americans and for America's role in the world.

Blah Blah

This morning I had an attack of dizziness. So my friend M drove me home from work. My husband wasn't there.

No surprise. I've hardly seen him since the last argument. He gets in very late. I always wake up when he gets into bed but I just turn over and go back to sleep. Someone is clearly going to so much trouble to avoid you, well, I do have some pride. When I can find it with him, that is.

In the morning, when I get up for work, he is asleep. And I don't try to wake him.

This morning though, I sent him SMS to tell him I thought I felt the baby move. I thought for sure he would call. Or at least reply to the SMS.

Nothing.

So it was no surprise to come home to an empty apartment. I changed and crawled into bed and fell asleep.

I was woken by something moving on my belly. At first I thought it was the baby again. But it was his hand on me.

I was afraid to open my eyes - or even breathe. Afraid that if he knew I was awake he'd withdraw and we'd fight again.

Then I realized how stupid I was being. Of course he knew I was awake. He's got to know I wouldn't sleep through this - his hand inside my nightie feeling my belly. I'd have to be dead.

I wanted to say something but I really couldn't think of anything. I was so tired of trying to find the right thing to say to him.

He asked if I was awake. I said yes. He pushed the covers away from me and put his head on my belly.

And I knew what he was trying to do. The same thing I wished I could do so many times. Place my ear on my belly and try to hear the baby move. Or a heartbeat. Or anything.

All the time, I wish that, that it was physically possible for me to do what he was doing. So I couldn't resist asking him if he could hear anything.

He said no, kissed my still non-existent bump, then pulled the bedcover back over me.

He asks how am feeling. I say fine.

I ask him why he'd been avoiding me. He says he didn't want to have an all-out fight, didn't want me getting hysterical when am pregnant, that he was just cooling off, that I shouldn't worry.

I ask him if he would hold me.

So he does and I go back to sleep for a couple of hours.

He spent this entire evening in. Still not very approachable, mostly watching TV or reading. Not very talkative. Until he fell asleep a little while ago.

But at least he was here. After the last 2 days, that feels good.

I am not sleepy at all. And I can't miss work again. That's not so good.

I wonder

What does it feel like when the baby moves or kicks?

Does it feel like someone fluttering their fingers along the skin of your abdomen except from the INSIDE?

That has happened 3 times. The first time, it was so faint I couldn't be sure it even happened. I decided I must have imagined it.

The second time, it lasted longer. And when I lay down on my back it became more pronounced.

Today, just a few minutes ago, I felt it again. It gave me goosebumps.

The sensation is completely internal though. When I put my hand on my belly I can't feel anything with my fingers on the outside.

If that IS the baby though then how many limbs does a 4-month foetus have exactly? I ask because I feel it in different areas of my abdomen, upper, lower, left side, right side, sometimes simultaneously.

What ARE you doing in there exactly?

:)

My scan has been rescheduled until next Wednesday as my doctor has come down with a very bad case of the flu.

Will try to call her later and tell her about this.

Week 15 etc....

And I am back to not feeling pregnant at all. Infact I feel great. Not that they're mutually exclusive or anything. What I mean is that the nausea attacks are gone. I am eating well again. I am feeling much less bloated. Even the swelling and pain in my chest area seems to have gone down. It reminds me of when I've just finished my period, when you feel lighter and healthier with this sense of freedom because all the PMS is gone.

Would be lying if I said I didn't worry that the disappearance of the symptoms might somehow mean I've lost the baby without noticing or something or the whole thing was some sort of mistake or fake pregnancy. I know it's crazy but I did actually take a couple of pregnancy tests just to make sure.

I don't know exactly how to explain the disappearance of the symptoms. It could be the end of Ramadan with the effects of my two weeks of fasting wearing off? Or it could be the effect of having regular sex after a long period of abstinence? I noticed that after my marriage the worst of my PMS symptoms disappeared. For one thing, the cramps were gone. So yeah, regular sex does seem to help balance my hormones or something.

Still not showing. Does anyone know at what point exactly you're supposed to go shopping for maternity clothes? Last night, we were out with my uncle & aunt & two cousins and everyone commented on the fact that I didn't appear to be gaining weight/looking pregnant at all. They said it like it's a good thing but really it's not what I wanted to hear. As time passes and people keep saying I don't look pregnant, it just makes me nervous that something is wrong.

Then my aunt said that I shouldn't be in my skinny jeans, that tight clothing wasn't good for pregnant women.

I tend to just follow that sort of advice. I mean, whether it is valid or not, why take chances? So no more tight pants. Today I went shopping for some long dresses and skirts. I can't wear short skirts because the only symptom that does seem to have survived is the varicose-vein-like discoloration on my legs which tends to appear suddenly without warning and is very unsightly. I noticed they appear when I am on my feet for a long time - like at work - especially in high heels. They seem to disappear when I put my legs up for a while. So I am hopeful that they won't be permanent.

I get to put my feet up a lot more now because with my husband here, he's taken over a lot of the errands and the packing and the household chores so now I don't really have much to do apart from go to work.

It's not exactly shopping for maternity clothes but at least I got to buy something to wear BECAUSE of my pregnancy so it is close.

And I won't be having any Morrocan baths or scrubbing myself too hard in the shower either.

It's only a few months so why take chances? I can worry about fashion and beauty again after the baby is born.

As far as the state of the marriage, I am reminded again and again of the benefits of physical proximity. When stuck together in the same living quarters, there's really a limit to how long you can stay mad at each other. You get to a point where neither one of you can stand the tension anymore. And you reach that point much faster when living together than when you're on different continents.

In our case, I can tell we are reaching that point when our marriage is a comedy show again. My husband is at his funniest when he's coming out of a fit of fury. It's his way of reaching out without having one of those serious 'about us' conversations he hates so much. Or simply apologizing if he thinks he's been wrong about some things.

And me? Well, I'd rather have him trying to make me laugh all the time, than mad at me, hands down. Besides, it is much more fun. I do love to laugh.

Of course, after the comedy show phase, where we generally act like two people who just met and are trying to out-charm, out-flirt, out-joke and out-impress each other, there comes a point where we're forced to confront the fact that we are not, infact, out on an extended first date, that we've been together for a while and there's a lot of history there and quite a few unresolved feelings on both sides about various events in said history.

This second phase usually begins when we both suddenly start awkwardly falling all over ourselves to deny ever having been mad about anything EVER, in response to everyday occurences that somehow point to causes of past dispute. This is sometimes even more hilarious - and stupid - than Phase One.

Phase Three is the point at which we finally sit down like adults and address the issues that might have caused the rift in the first place. This phase can really go anyway. Sometimes it goes really badly and results in a new rift. Sometimes it goes really well in terms of communicating and resolving things usually, because the passing of time has made the original rift insignificant and therefore easy to discuss. Some wounds are healed by nothing as well as time. And sometimes, well, we just skip this phase altogether and move on. We just forget.

At the moment I'd say we are definitely in Phase One of our Conflict Resolution Manual - which is fun.

Physical proximity has also helped me see something that is making me even happier. My husband's professed lack of interest in becoming a father is nowhere as absolute as it looked. He IS excited and pleased.

I can see it on his face when he is talking - and asking questions - about parenthood to other people and he forgets that he's not supposed to let me get away easily with getting pregnant more or less without his consent and not according to schedule. The other people concerned are anyone from the doctor, our parents, my friends, his friends etc...He just can't hide his excitement and curiosity when he's not talking to me directly. Which I would never have seen if he had still been overseas and we were only talking on the phone.

I can also see - when he lets his guard down and forgets to pretend otherwise - that the whole jealousy thing doesn't go very deep. It is just easier for him to justify being here - and not with his parents - to himself if I am somehow an urgent problem. He doesn't want to admit that he's here because, I dunno, he might have missed me - or because I finally wore him down with all the nagging, or even because taking on the crisis in his family on his own without complaint for so long is an emotional burden he might just need a break from. I guess it's just more macho to tell himself he did it because I was getting out of control.

I could wish I had married someone who was less hung up on being tough/cool/macho/in-control-of-every-situation - and more at peace with the fact that he does have feelings and weaknesses like the rest of us. It might make a lot of things easier and save us both a lot time and energy.

Or I could remember way back when we were still getting to know each other, I found this side of him so refreshing and so sincere. If only because I had had enough of selfish, irresponsible men who know how to act sensitive and caring when they aren't and who would say sentimental and romantic things they didn't really feel and probably say to every other girl they happened to be two-timing you with because they know girls like it. Then I met K, who seems to be the other extreme, who shows he cares only by action and is so uncomfortable with words, who never seems to want you to give him credit for the nice things he does for you because it embarrasses him to even have them acknowledged. He is unlike anyone else I ever met in that he seems to prefer to present himself in a worse light, to look worse rather than better than he really is, because he somehow believes he has to look tough and macho 24/7.

And I thought then, this is the real thing, this is someone who is solid, who respects his commitments, who may not buy me flowers or write me poems but would do anything for me, would always be there for me, this is someone I can trust and feel safe with.

Except, of course, just like a woman, I also thought that - with time - I could change him. Famous last words.:)

I don't think I have changed him much, or that I have succeeded in softening the hard edges or making him as verbal, as forthcoming with emotion and sentiment as I am. Not yet anyway. But I still love him, the solid core, his strength, his generosity, his loyalty, his optimism and sense of humor even when things seem hopeless, the willingness to put others before himself and this ability he seems to have to know me at my worst and still have the best expectations of me.

Maybe parenthood will finally change him? I wonder if he will be the same with our kids as he is with me and with everyone else? I mean children can't be expected to read between the lines. They need to have things spelt out for them. They need to be encouraged and told you love them. So maybe he will have to change then? We shall see.

Eid Mubarak Everyone

Ramadan is behind us. And I am now 3 months pregnant. Plus a few days.

I had a scan on Sunday which was a bit of a disappointment really. The doctor tells me the scan confirms that everything is ok and this is a relief of course. Every extra bit of reassurance helps.

But I guess I was expecting the baby to look more like a baby. What I saw looked like a grainy, black and white modern art drawing that could have been a surreal representation of the profile of a baby's upper body - or anything really. And I couldn't make out movement which scared me a bit.

But the doctor kept saying the baby WAS moving and I just couldn't see it. That was frustrating.

I mean yeah, the whole picture was sort of floating back and forth but I was looking for a hand or head movement or something more distinctly human.

I was expecting to feel a sense of recognition, to see a little boy. And there was nothing like that.

The doctor kept up a running commentary all about how perfect everything was. I think she was expecting me to be more excited. I felt bad because I wasn't. I guess it was a just a case of expectations having been set too high.

Anyhow, at least you could clearly tell there IS something in my uterus - even if you couldn't tell exactly what. And the doctor says everything is as it should be at this stage. I must be satisfied with that for now.

I can't wait for my next scan though. Anything more that I see then will be an improvement!

K was on the phone with me in the car all the way to my appointment. I had to give up my cell when I was taken in for the scan and I kind of missed him. I got back on the line with him immediately after though. And my doctor spoke with him. They're getting to be good friends now. She is Egyptian. She didn't realize my husband was Egyptian until he got worried about my not-so-great blood test results and decided to give her a call about 2 weeks ago. Now she keeps talking about how she has to take extra care of me because I am carrying an Egyptian baby etc....but she is only joking really. She is a great doctor who comes highly recommended by my mother and she's been taking care of me physically and emotionally since the day I met her. She was really concerned for me when she realized I was on my own here with no family and no husband.

I mean, I have a doctor I speak to on the phone everyday, who drops by to see me and then refuses to let me pay for the house visit. When she wanted me to stop fasting, she actually came over on Friday morning and brought me a homecooked meal and sat there watching me while I ate it. And she was fasting!

Plus she puts up with all the anxious calls she has to take from my parents and my husband and is always really nice to them.

My only gripe is that she has a really dirty sense of humor which makes me feel uncomfortable sometimes. But other than that, I mean how lucky can I get? I am really going to miss her when I leave. I would have loved to have stayed with her until the baby is born.

K says he wants me to send him my scan pics but I know him too well. He only asked that because he thinks I want him to ask and because I give him such a hard time when he fails to show an interest in these things. Or when he shows more interest in nude photos of me.

Anyway, I'm not sure I want him to see this scan. I want his first sight of the baby to be more exciting than this. He still acts like I am going through some sort of health crisis that he needs to support me through as part of the the Husband of The Year role he finds himself cast in.

So I haven't sent them and he hasn't asked again. If I had promised to send him a new nude photo, I would have been getting 2 or 3 emails a day, asking where it is. He's so intensely curious about the fact that my body is changing. Finds it a huge turn-on. It was amusing at first but really, when is he going to grow up and stop treating our future off-spring as nothing more than (depending on his mood):

a) His new favorite pin-up
b) A drain on my good health

But I should stop being mean. Eid is really tough on him and his family with his father incapacitated and unable to take part in it - especially because my FIL is the kind of person who used to enjoy making really big events of occasions like Ramadan and Eid. I spoke with my MIL last night and it was heartbreaking to hear her. Unlike her son, she is really excited about my pregnancy and I am happy it's cheering her up a little. Me and her have actually had the baby names conversation I haven't so far managed to interest my husband in. For her sake, I am considering naming the baby after my FIL. Surprisingly enough for an Arab family, none of the grandkids are named after FIL.

Why am I so sure it will be a boy? That can't be healthy. At this rate, I might actually feel disappointed if the baby is a girl. It will definitely feel weird. Ever since the miscarriage, I've been visualizing little boys with dark eyes, tanned skin and K's smile. I just can't see myself with a daughter. Or even a little boy with my coloring. Yuck.

:(

Blogging Symptoms

1) I don't know if it counts as morning sickness but for a week now, I've been getting up in the morning feeling very nauseous. Haven't actually been sick or anything - and it seems to go away as soon as I get up and start moving around a bit.

Have also noticed that it seems to return if I lie on my stomach or bend forward too fast.

2) I feel dizzy a lot - especially in the mornings. So much that a couple of times I've opted for a cab instead of driving my car to work. And I have really bad memories with cabs. Didn't appreciate the reminder of what happened last time I had to take a cab.:(

3) The nausea might have something to do with it but I've lost the appetite I had after I first found out. I can't seem to make myself eat much. I break my fast on water, a couple of dates, followed by soup and then coffee. Later in the evening I force myself to have salads or fruits and drink juice. Can't drink water anymore. It makes me sick.

If I order food, I only seem to manage a couple of bites.

My doctor wants me to stop fasting. She says I am a bit anaemic and dehydrated. I haven't done it yet because am not sure not fasting will help my appetite and it would feel too weird to miss 2 whole weeks of Ramadan. Have never done that in my life before.

So I've been faithfully taking my vitamins after Iftar and trying to force feed myself lots of fruits and veggies and drink lots of fresh fruit juice to compensate for water.

I am waiting for my next appointment. If the doctor is still of the same opinion then I guess I will stop fasting. Really hope I don't have to, though.:(

4) The sleeping sickness is gone. Am back on a maximum of 4 hrs a night - usually interrupted by frequent nightmares. The Return of The Insomniac. Which is sad because I've been so grateful for the effect all that extra sleep was having on my skin. No facial or regime of skincare has ever given me the skin I've had for the last month or so. Now the dark circles and puffy eyes that have been my trademark for so long are back with a vengeance.

5) My chest is definitely bigger now.

6) Have been experiencing pain in my calves if I stand for too long. And I noticed it makes the veins in my legs and feet stand out. Not very attractive when your skin is as pale as mine. It really shows. I just hope that permanent varicose veins is not a symptom of pregnancy.

7) No moodiness yet. Still riding that initial high.

My mother's been telling me that she never had symptoms either until 6 months or so into her pregnancies. Neither have her sisters. So it looks like no symptoms kind of runs in my mother's family. And by their standards I am in week 11 and I do have symptoms of sorts so I guess I am doing ok.:)

8 weeks

Just because I stopped nagging at my husband, that is not to say I stopped nagging altogether. The new victim is my doctor.

Out of desperation, in an effort to point out the symptoms I keep asking her about, she asked me if I was experiencing mood swings or anxiety attacks.

Mood swings? But you see, that wouldn't be the differentiator, doc, because mood swings are my natural state of being! You mean I should expect to become even more neurotic? Is that even possible?

Quite the reverse actually. I think this pregnancy is having an oddly calming effect on me:

1) The daily bouts of road rage have disappeared. No matter how bad the traffic is, I no longer find myself feeling intense - if temporary - hatred of everyone who happens to be using the roads at the same time as me.

2) I am more patient with clients at work. Ironically, I am doing less work for them. For one thing, I don't spend hours researching my projects at home anymore. I've lost the ability to read for any length of time without falling asleep. It's hard enough at the office, but when I'm comfortable at home? Forget it.

It appears the two are related. I used to regard every project as my baby, becoming more royalist than the King, so to speak. And so, stupid choices by the client, which I saw as detrimental to the project and all my hard work, were particularly galling. Now I am more laidback. I have less at stake. And ironically, it's making me a more pleasant person for my clients to deal with!

3) My sister doesn't get to me as much as she used to. Even though she's going through a remarkably unpleasant phase at the moment. To be honest, I am much less interested in her at the moment. Not nice I know but I really can't be bothered right now. And so her usual antics just slide off.

4) Am I less obssessed with my husband? He would say so. I wouldn't agree.

The reason he thinks that is again ironically enough, that I am so much more tolerant and understanding with him. I am not as sensitized and reactive to every perceived lack of attention on his part. Truth is, I feel like I can forgive him anything right now because he got me pregnant!

I miss him a lot, in more ways than before. But missing him doesn't make me angry with him anymore. It makes me want to do nice things for him. Like email him nude photos - something he's asked me to do before and I haven't exactly refused to do but just never had the nerve to actually do. Not completely nude anyway.

Now I do it, because we don't live together and I don't want any changes in my body to be a complete shock to him when we see each other next. So I'm trying to send him one per week.

Then we have long telephone conversations about how and where I have or have not changed.

So far he thinks my breasts are getting bigger. I don't argue because bigger breasts are something I've always wanted and it so obviously turns him on. But they don't really feel any different to me. I'm still the same cup size and everything.

Our relationship is less confrontational now, more flirtatious and sexual and light-hearted. Which you would think a man would appreciate.

But my reduced appetite for fighting seems to confuse him. It's a sobering thought to think that I have expressed my love for him by being angry at him for so long, that when I am not angry he feels less loved somehow.

Talk about Pavlov conditioning! Poor K.

Not sure how long this calm will last though if I don't start feeling those symptoms pretty soon. Here's hoping..............

Bubble

So the 6th week has come and gone without incident. And the doctor says I am doing well.

Still no new symptoms though. Just the sleeping and the dreams.

Telling my husband and my family has made it real. I believe it now.

I am a pregnant woman. I have a due date. And regular doctor's appointments. And prenatal vitamins to take.

I am forbidden to smoke. And I can't be prescribed certain medications.

It's really true.

And now I can finally say I am happy. Warm, tingly, giggly, hug-myself kind of happy.

A simple, uncomplicated feeling.

Like floating inside a bubble.

But a pretty resilient bubble because things that would normally aggravate me just seem to slide off without piercing through and getting to me.

And I have all sorts of new habits and pastimes that give me immeasurable pleasure.

1) Taking my clothes off, staring at myself in the mirror, looking for changes, in reality, looking for the baby. I can do this for ages.

2) Talking to the baby. Not the sort of silly incoherent babble I use when I talk to other people's babies. Really talking. Sometimes in my head and sometimes when am alone, out loud. It's strange how much I find I have to say.

3) Following up from no.2, I am no longer afraid to be alone. Infact I like being by myself. I love my privacy these days.

4) Buying baby stuff. I am a shopaholic again. The fact that everything I buy I will have to pack is no longer a put-off. I would buy - and pack - the whole world for my baby. No sweat.

5) Buying groceries and cooking for myself.

6) Looking at my husband's baby pic - which is back over our wedding photo in the frame on the bedside table.

I just woke up actually. Was dreaming I was in bed with my husband. Like most of my dreams these days, it was so vivid I could feel his weight on top of me. Then the air which always feels so cold on the vast areas of my skin that had been covered by him when he would move away from me. And I woke up out of breath and covered with goosebumps.

Lay there for a bit before I realized I was alone. Normally a dream like that would have brought me to tears - of loneliness and frustration. Alternatively, it would have made me call him and pick a fight with him. Today it made me smile. That was a GOOD dream, I thought. Why did I ever react so badly? And then all sorts of memories came flooding in. All involving me, my husband and this bed. And for once, I enjoyed them.

Even though he is not with me, even though we're rapidly reaching the point where the time we spent apart is as much as the time we spent together as husband and wife, he is there and he is mine.

And now I am going to have his baby.

:)

Moments

Me : Hello?
Him: Fainak ya wa7ishni?
Me : K.
Him: 3iyoon K. Eh ya 3am? Ma btrodish leh?
Me : Sorry 7abibi. Have you been calling a lot?
Him: Inti nayma?
Me : Yeah.
Him: Hiya eh el7ikaya?
Me : Ay 7kaya? 3adi nayma.
Him: Aiwa nayma leh wi ezay ya3ni? Min imta da?
Me : Geez. Don't freak out just because I slept!
Him: I'm getting worried here.
Me : K 7abibi kol elnas tnam.
Him: Aiwa malna i7na wi mal elnas? Matghayarish elmaowdoo3. Elnas 7aga winti 7aga tanya khalis. Howa ana tayeh 3anik?

This made me laugh. Am married to someone who takes it for granted that I'm a walking freak show. If I do an average everyday thing like go to sleep at a reasonable hour he gets confused.

Me: So did you miss me?
Him: I get a little worried when you don't pick up.
Me : Why? I'm probably just sleeping or not near the phone.
Him: But you always answer your phone! What the hell!

He sounds even more confused.

Because when he's not with me am always watching my cell. My friends keep asking why I act like it's the end of the world if he rings and I don't answer on the first ring. But I decide he doesn't need to know that.

Me: So how is your father?

Silence.

Him: L., my father hasn't got the kind of condition that changes from day to day. You don't need to ask me that everyday.
Me : 7abibi, mahma kan Allah ghalib.
Him: Wani3ma billah. Bas i7na mish sogyareen ya3ni. Mish hanid7ak 3ala nafsina.
Me : Tayeb your mother? How is she doing?
Him: Ah. El7amdullilah kwaisa.
Me : Do you want to talk about this?
Him: No.
Me : Khalas 7abibi. Ana asfa. I7keeli 3anak inta.
Him: 2wi 2wi ya roo7i. T7ibi ti3rafi eh?
Me : When am I going to see you again?
Him: Aiwa imsikeeni ba2a min eleed illy btiwga3.
Me : T3ibt min elsafar?
Him: Howa ana lama bab2a m3aki bab2a msafir? Elmafrood ini fi baiti.
Me : Is that a trick question?
Him: Ya sitti. Wala trick wala 7aga. Asl illy eedo filmaya mish zay illy eedo filnar.
Me : Ana eedi filmaya?
Him: La. Bas ana eedi filnar.
Me : Salamtak min elnar.
Him: Tislameeli. Hah bardo mish 3ayza t2ooli malik?

And I really, really wanted to tell you then. But I let the moment pass. And now I feel like somehow I will regret it.

Sad.

I want.......

To sleep all the time.

Me. The insomniac. The hyperactive maniac. The hurricane in the room.

I want to lie in bed.

So I won't be tempted to make any sudden movements.

I have this strange need for stillness.

And when you're still, well, then sleep is the only way to pass the time really.

After my husband's last visit, I couldn't stand to even look at the bed anymore.

So I would sleep on the couch in the living room.

Now this same bed is my refuge.

The memories it brought back which hurt so much when compared to the scary void he leaves behind him, these memories no longer make me feel like running away and hiding.

Because this time he didn't leave a void. He left me something.

If I really am pregnant, then our bed is where this baby was conceived.

And I feel like if I can only stay in here, near the source if you will, then I can keep this baby safe.

So I only get out of bed when I absolutely have to. And I am always counting the minutes until I can get back.

A couple of nights back I fell asleep on top of the duvet.

And dreamt that I fell off the bed.

I woke up freezing cold, so sure that I lost the baby.

The dream was so vivid.

I had seen myself so clearly, lying on the floor, next to the bed, bleeding and in pain.

The pain I remember so well from last time.

So now to feel completely safe, I have to be in bed AND wrapped up tight under the duvet.

If I really am pregnant? Why do I keep thinking that?

The doctor confirmed it. The OBYG I saw later confirmed it.

And not content with all of that, I take a home pregnancy test like 4 times a day. They're always positive.

Why this need for constant confirmation?

Maybe because I don't feel pregnant?

I don't have any symptoms.

Physically, I don't feel any different.

I am late of course. But that has happened to me before for a lot of other reasons.

So I keep thinking what if all the tests are wrong?

What do I do then?

But I didn't have any symptoms last time either and it was true then.

And I don't want this time to be anything like last time.

So all I pray for now is something tangible.

I know it's way too early to expect to feel the baby kick or whatever.

But still, I wish I could feel more.

I want a miserable pregnancy.

I want the morning sickness and the backaches and the cravings and the painful breasts.

I want to feel everything I ever heard a pregnant woman who had a healthy baby say she felt.

I want to feel it in my heart.

I want to be sure, to know for myself.

I want to have no more doubts or questions.

What is wrong with me?

Why do I keep getting pregnant and not feeling it? Aren't women supposed to have some sort of instinct about this sort of thing?

Why don't I? I'm the woman everyone says is overly sensitive and feels things too much.

So why can't I feel the one thing I want to feel the most?