On random guys who might have harrassed me at parties:
Him: That should have been me.
Me: That should be you what? Harrassing me?
Him: Looking at you like that. Thinking about doing you.
Me: K, we're in bed. Am having your baby. And you're upset because you didn't get to harrass me at parties? When you don't even like parties?
Him:Hmm...maybe you have something there. This is better.
On the fact that we sold my car - his gift to me on our first anniversary - on Friday:
Him: When things get settled, I'll make it up to you.
Me (crying): You don't have to make it up to me. You didn't have to buy me a car. I never expected you to. And I wasted all your money. And I haven't even paid you back yet. So don't sit there and talk about making it up to me. Don't you think I feel bad enough?
Him: Khalas, Khalas. Ma tday2ish nafsik. I won't make it up to you. I'll charge you interest. Just stop crying before you hurt yourself.
When I woke him up at night once because I had a nightmare that the reason my breasts are so huge now is that they're stuffed full of cancerous lumps:
Him(mumbling): Alf ba3d elshar 3laiki.
And he goes back to sleep.
Me (shaking him): Wake up. I am telling you I have breast cancer.
Him: L., you don't have cancer. Go back to sleep.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Because they feel fine to me. Ma kontish haskot ya3ni. Breasts don't just turn into lumps.
Me: You don't care if it's all cancer. You're just pleased they're bigger.
Him (sitting up): Ok, tell me what I can do to prove to you that I care.
Me: I almost had cancer once before. I have a history.
Him: 7abibi, you did not almost have cancer. You thought you had a lump and you didn't. You imagined it. That's not the same as having a history of cancer. You're fine. You're just pregnant.
Me: I was a smoker for years.
Him: Yeah, not the smartest move. Bas el7amdullilah 2dar wi lataf. If it will make you feel better niroo7 nikshif bokra elsob7.
Him: Ba3dain meen a2lik that I'm pleased they're bigger? You're pleased they're bigger. You thought you were too small. I thought they were just fine. I never had any complaints.
Me: Fine now or fine before?
Him: You know what? That's the kind of philosophical question......
Me (finishing his sentence): You don't want to deal with in the middle of the night?
Him: Right. Come on. Let's go back to sleep. Rabena yihdeeki.
And he did take me to the doctor in the morning. I couldn't have a mammogram because the doctor thought it might be risky for the baby. So I had an ultrasound which showed no solid lumps. No further testing is needed or recommended for the moment. Alhamdullilah, I don't have cancer.