Blah Blah

This morning I had an attack of dizziness. So my friend M drove me home from work. My husband wasn't there.

No surprise. I've hardly seen him since the last argument. He gets in very late. I always wake up when he gets into bed but I just turn over and go back to sleep. Someone is clearly going to so much trouble to avoid you, well, I do have some pride. When I can find it with him, that is.

In the morning, when I get up for work, he is asleep. And I don't try to wake him.

This morning though, I sent him SMS to tell him I thought I felt the baby move. I thought for sure he would call. Or at least reply to the SMS.

Nothing.

So it was no surprise to come home to an empty apartment. I changed and crawled into bed and fell asleep.

I was woken by something moving on my belly. At first I thought it was the baby again. But it was his hand on me.

I was afraid to open my eyes - or even breathe. Afraid that if he knew I was awake he'd withdraw and we'd fight again.

Then I realized how stupid I was being. Of course he knew I was awake. He's got to know I wouldn't sleep through this - his hand inside my nightie feeling my belly. I'd have to be dead.

I wanted to say something but I really couldn't think of anything. I was so tired of trying to find the right thing to say to him.

He asked if I was awake. I said yes. He pushed the covers away from me and put his head on my belly.

And I knew what he was trying to do. The same thing I wished I could do so many times. Place my ear on my belly and try to hear the baby move. Or a heartbeat. Or anything.

All the time, I wish that, that it was physically possible for me to do what he was doing. So I couldn't resist asking him if he could hear anything.

He said no, kissed my still non-existent bump, then pulled the bedcover back over me.

He asks how am feeling. I say fine.

I ask him why he'd been avoiding me. He says he didn't want to have an all-out fight, didn't want me getting hysterical when am pregnant, that he was just cooling off, that I shouldn't worry.

I ask him if he would hold me.

So he does and I go back to sleep for a couple of hours.

He spent this entire evening in. Still not very approachable, mostly watching TV or reading. Not very talkative. Until he fell asleep a little while ago.

But at least he was here. After the last 2 days, that feels good.

I am not sleepy at all. And I can't miss work again. That's not so good.