Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Eid Mubarak Everyone

Ramadan is behind us. And I am now 3 months pregnant. Plus a few days.

I had a scan on Sunday which was a bit of a disappointment really. The doctor tells me the scan confirms that everything is ok and this is a relief of course. Every extra bit of reassurance helps.

But I guess I was expecting the baby to look more like a baby. What I saw looked like a grainy, black and white modern art drawing that could have been a surreal representation of the profile of a baby's upper body - or anything really. And I couldn't make out movement which scared me a bit.

But the doctor kept saying the baby WAS moving and I just couldn't see it. That was frustrating.

I mean yeah, the whole picture was sort of floating back and forth but I was looking for a hand or head movement or something more distinctly human.

I was expecting to feel a sense of recognition, to see a little boy. And there was nothing like that.

The doctor kept up a running commentary all about how perfect everything was. I think she was expecting me to be more excited. I felt bad because I wasn't. I guess it was a just a case of expectations having been set too high.

Anyhow, at least you could clearly tell there IS something in my uterus - even if you couldn't tell exactly what. And the doctor says everything is as it should be at this stage. I must be satisfied with that for now.

I can't wait for my next scan though. Anything more that I see then will be an improvement!

K was on the phone with me in the car all the way to my appointment. I had to give up my cell when I was taken in for the scan and I kind of missed him. I got back on the line with him immediately after though. And my doctor spoke with him. They're getting to be good friends now. She is Egyptian. She didn't realize my husband was Egyptian until he got worried about my not-so-great blood test results and decided to give her a call about 2 weeks ago. Now she keeps talking about how she has to take extra care of me because I am carrying an Egyptian baby etc....but she is only joking really. She is a great doctor who comes highly recommended by my mother and she's been taking care of me physically and emotionally since the day I met her. She was really concerned for me when she realized I was on my own here with no family and no husband.

I mean, I have a doctor I speak to on the phone everyday, who drops by to see me and then refuses to let me pay for the house visit. When she wanted me to stop fasting, she actually came over on Friday morning and brought me a homecooked meal and sat there watching me while I ate it. And she was fasting!

Plus she puts up with all the anxious calls she has to take from my parents and my husband and is always really nice to them.

My only gripe is that she has a really dirty sense of humor which makes me feel uncomfortable sometimes. But other than that, I mean how lucky can I get? I am really going to miss her when I leave. I would have loved to have stayed with her until the baby is born.

K says he wants me to send him my scan pics but I know him too well. He only asked that because he thinks I want him to ask and because I give him such a hard time when he fails to show an interest in these things. Or when he shows more interest in nude photos of me.

Anyway, I'm not sure I want him to see this scan. I want his first sight of the baby to be more exciting than this. He still acts like I am going through some sort of health crisis that he needs to support me through as part of the the Husband of The Year role he finds himself cast in.

So I haven't sent them and he hasn't asked again. If I had promised to send him a new nude photo, I would have been getting 2 or 3 emails a day, asking where it is. He's so intensely curious about the fact that my body is changing. Finds it a huge turn-on. It was amusing at first but really, when is he going to grow up and stop treating our future off-spring as nothing more than (depending on his mood):

a) His new favorite pin-up
b) A drain on my good health

But I should stop being mean. Eid is really tough on him and his family with his father incapacitated and unable to take part in it - especially because my FIL is the kind of person who used to enjoy making really big events of occasions like Ramadan and Eid. I spoke with my MIL last night and it was heartbreaking to hear her. Unlike her son, she is really excited about my pregnancy and I am happy it's cheering her up a little. Me and her have actually had the baby names conversation I haven't so far managed to interest my husband in. For her sake, I am considering naming the baby after my FIL. Surprisingly enough for an Arab family, none of the grandkids are named after FIL.

Why am I so sure it will be a boy? That can't be healthy. At this rate, I might actually feel disappointed if the baby is a girl. It will definitely feel weird. Ever since the miscarriage, I've been visualizing little boys with dark eyes, tanned skin and K's smile. I just can't see myself with a daughter. Or even a little boy with my coloring. Yuck.

:(

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10 Comments:

Blogger Néphèle said...

mabrouk el 3eed ya um sabi :)

10/01/2008 12:08:00 AM  
Blogger Ma 3lina said...

HaPpY Eid

Wish u huv a nice time isa :))

10/01/2008 05:28:00 AM  
Blogger Highlander said...

Eidek Mubarak ya Loulou. Stop worrying and all will be well inshallah. You have a healthy baby boy or girl is Ok and it is the fruit of your love plus everyone cares about :) so come on cheer up. Just a bit more and you will be reunited with K.
all the best
H

10/03/2008 01:24:00 AM  
Blogger Alluring said...

Congratulations Loulou!
For some reason i thought i should log on and check on you, and i read the wonderful news!

I read a few of your old posts too and i wanted to leave my two cents worth, hope you dont mind.

About fasting, i didn't fast last year as i had just given birth and this year coz i was still nursing, programme yourself that life will have a dramatic change now that you'll be a mom, it;s no longer about you, or what you want, that will be very old history, enjoy your pregnancy, and be thankful that you dont feel any pregnancy symptoms, i was admitted to the hospital for a week after my 1st trimester, because of dehydration and anemia and i even had lost all my pregnancy weight, i used to throw up everything and anything all the time, be very thankful, coz you're alone too, the hours when my husband was at work and i was home alone, sick and throwing up made me feel HORRIBLE, imagine your situation, don't wish pregnancy sickness upon yourself.

And for your sake first and the baby second, i hope you get together soon with your husband, coz from this point it will only get worse, sleep as much as you want now, coz when you get bigger sitting is going to be a problem, let alone lying down or even trying to sleep.

But with every woman it's different, you might be one of the blessed ones who have a problem free pregnancy. I was once at my OB GYN in the waiting area, barely able to sit coz of the dizziness and the nauseousness (sitting made throw up, and talking too) while the pregnant lady next to me said: "i'm 8 months pregnant and i don't even feel it! yesterday i had my ultrasound and i had it made into a movie so i can show my grandfather!"

I wanted to smack her, i simply told her not to tell anyone this, especially people like me who are really sick or they might envy you!

About ultrasounds, you wont be able to see anything even for your second one, maybe the one in your 3rd trimester, i know some people who couldn't even see anything tangible at that too, but that's the only one you'd be able to really see that it's a baby!

Don't be disappointed if you have a baby girl, girls are a blessing, and they're thier mother's best friends, boys will very soon outgrow your hug and kiss, and you'd comply coz no one wants to bring a mama's boy into the world. Boys are a blessing too in so many other ways of course, but you said you cant imagine yourself with a girl, a baby is a blessing, regardless of the sex, think of how many ppl would kill to be in your shoes, always remind yourslef that all you really want is a healthy baby, doesn't matter a boy or a girl, white or tan, as long as it's healthy, this will count for the world.

One last thing about the baby shopping, dont buy many new born outfits, they outgrow them so fast, only buy a few for the 1st two weeks, and then after that put your baby in 0-3, even if they;re a little big, it's better than being in smal outfits, i went totally crazy coz i thought that's what i needed to have, i will have a newborn so i should have lots of newborn stuff, i have 10s of unworn newborn outfits, it's a waste.

I hope you get your visa sonner rather than later, god forbid you would go into labour while he's away.

Take care of yourself, and hope i managed to help even if a little bit, i know i wish i had someone to tell me half of that when i was pregnant, hope it was a little helpful.

10/03/2008 10:12:00 PM  
Blogger Um Naief said...

Happy Eid to you and your family.

i want to say one thing... you're right, don't get yourself stuck on one sex. If you get your hopes up, imagine the child as a boy, then find out you're having a girl... and.. drs. don't always give the right info anyhoo... unless you see it plain and clear, and the dr. doing the sono is an expert, then i'd say trust the news...

but again... don't only think of a boy. both sexes are good, but here, in these parts, seems that most mommas want a boy. i actually wanted a girl.. but am happy now that we have what we have.

good luck to you my dear. sounds like things are swinging back to the positive. here's to them not swinging back to the other side for a while, at least! ;)

10/03/2008 10:14:00 PM  
Blogger Um Naief said...

i agree... don't go crazy w/ shopping... just a waste. Only buy the necessities. you'll have lots of time to buy clothes as they start getting big, walking and things. :)

10/03/2008 10:16:00 PM  
Blogger Alluring said...

You can ask your doctor about 3D or 4D ultrasound for your baby, they're so clear, it's ridiculous, check their website: http://www.4d-ultrasounds.com

10/06/2008 05:01:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Alluring,

Thanks a lot for all the good advice - especially the tip about the ultrasound.

Good to see you around the blogosphere again. I kept checking your blog for a long time before I gave up and assumed you've abandoned us.

Hope you, your husband and the little one are all doing great.

Um Naief,

I don't think I want a little boy because of tradition.

It's just that after my miscarriage, I felt I needed an image of the baby I was grieving so much for. I couldn't bear for my baby to be faceless.

I remembered a pic I'd seen of my husband as infant and my mind became fixated on it as the only image I had of how our child would have looked. I slept with that pic next to my bed for months.

Ever since then, whenever I think of motherhood, that image comes is what I have in mind.

I have this really strong feeling that I know my baby, that I've already seen him. And most definitely him and not her.

I'm just worried now that if I have a baby who looks radically different from the image in my head, it would feel like there's been a switch at the hospital and I went home with someone else's baby!

10/09/2008 11:37:00 PM  
Blogger Um Naief said...

i think that once you have your baby, none of this other stuff will matter. it wont matter about the image, it wont matter about the sex... all else leaves when you take that baby in your arms... even to see the baby's face for the first time... all else ceases to exist for a while. you'll see.

i used to have dreams and would see the baby, but, now, looking back, i can't remember if the dreams were of a boy or girl.

i hope you have what you long for... it can be hard waiting to find out. i remember when i found out that i was having a boy. it depressed me. it was hard preparing for a boy when i longed for a girl. but... like i said, it all changes immediately after you give birth. :)

10/11/2008 01:32:00 AM  
Blogger insomniac said...

:)

alluring beat me to the good advice :)

hey, i have two boys and i really really really anted at least one baby girl... so if you get a girl be extra grateful, because of what alluring said mostly, and because you get to braid her hair and color your nails together... and trust me, shopping for girls is much cooler; i still get urges to buy baby girls' wear every time i'm shopping for the boys!!!

ya rab te2oomy bel salama, and may you be with your husband soon enough isA

10/12/2008 05:14:00 PM  

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