Friday, September 26, 2008

Tough

Ramadan has been tough without you.
Eid will be tough without you.
Being pregnant is tough without you.
Life is tough without you.

And I'm not feeling so tough without you.

This is me feeling weak. More so than ever before.

Only you can do that. Only you can make me feel so weak, so helpless, so forgotten, so insignificant that I want to crawl into a corner and hide.

This voice on the phone. Is that really you?

It's not what you promised me.

It's not what I signed up for when I married you. This disembodied voice coming out of my handset.

Sometimes it hurts so much to have to listen to it.

Sometimes I can't take it because the voice on the phone is you actively engaged in the act of not being here, the act of being distant, out of reach, out of touch, out of sight, out of every sense except one.

Talk about sensory deprivation. That's how it feels sometimes.

It's not fair.

This is so unfair.

And because it is so unfair sometimes I don't want to be tough.

Being tough means accepting that this is happening.

Being tough means accepting that this is allowed.

Being tough is what I do every second of the day now.

Except every now and then, I stop and think wait, why am I doing this?

Why am I working so hard to make it ok for you not be with me?

Why am I working so hard for something I don't want, for something I hate so much?

Last night I hated you.

For making me do this.

I hated you so much that hearing you laugh on the line made me see red.

I didn't want you to laugh. I didn't want you to be happy.

You know, I've never felt that before. I've never been this angry just because someone sounded happy. I've never wanted with so much passion for another human being to be unhappy. I've never been this selfish, this hateful, this vindictive, this EVIL. I never knew I had all this buried somewhere in me.

And so I hung up.

I'd had enough of your voice, distracted, amused, responsive to those around you, impatient with me.

I had nothing to say to you.

I missed you. Then I hated you. Then I called you. And I hated you even more. And I missed you even more.

Does that make sense? To hate someone more than you've ever hated another human being - knowing all the time that you want them more than you've ever wanted another human being, knowing all the time that they matter more than everyone else in the world put together?

Sometimes you make me want to not feel, not think, not be.

Sometimes you make me want to fade into nothing.

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5 Comments:

Blogger Néphèle said...

I wish I couldn't relate.. but I can, oh I can

:(

9/26/2008 10:29:00 PM  
Blogger N said...

this is the downside of being that in love. would you renounce the highs because of how low the lows are?

its an eternal question...

I feel for you, i really do. Have strength, your baby needs it.

9/27/2008 04:26:00 AM  
Blogger haal said...

i dont know what to say Loulou to help.... i do feel you. and i passed by that. but one thing we always do, we forgive. Sometimes we exaggerate. We need huge support NOW and they cant give it to us because of any reason that we might not see.

9/27/2008 06:59:00 PM  
Blogger Um Naief said...

welcome to pregnancy hormones :)) everything will be intense. be strong and try to focus on the positives. it can really be tough at times. i used to cry at the drop of a hat later in my pregnancy and get angry w/out much effort. just remember.. your baby feels everything you feel.

remember when you were blogging about being w/ your baby and in the same bed you share w/ your husband? looking at yourself in the mirror - watching and looking for changes in your body? focus on these things...

9/28/2008 10:35:00 PM  
Blogger doshar said...

hey loulou... first of all.... Congratulaitons on your pregnancy! I know you have been wanting it for a long time... Rabena Ye7meeky ISA. Secondly... although ramadan is almost over, Happy Ramadan, and because Ramdan is almost over, happy eid ISA!

It is wierd, right before i visited your blog, I had just posted something on my blog (which I almost never do anymore) about missing my niece and nephew to bits... because now thay live in the states, and it is active torture to not have them around. and talking to them on the phone... so not the same thing.

So i found it a wierd coincidence, that for some reason, i just felt like i wanted to visit your blog, and you were talking about missing K so much. I used to feel for you before... but now I REALLY can relate. Oh, Loulou, Rabbena ma3aky habibty... I hope you and your huband can reunite soon ISA.

I do not know if this can be comforting for you or not.... but you are pregnant, with his child, so part of him is already there with you. not with him (see, you got the good end of that deal) and maybe you can talk to your unborn child and tell him about his/her dad, and how you two love each other.

Ok, I am gonna stop now, because i think my comment has become too mushy :) rabbena ma3aky habibty we yehawen 3aleiky.

9/29/2008 04:15:00 AM  

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