So the 6th week has come and gone without incident. And the doctor says I am doing well.
Still no new symptoms though. Just the sleeping and the dreams.
Telling my husband and my family has made it real. I believe it now.
I am a pregnant woman. I have a due date. And regular doctor's appointments. And prenatal vitamins to take.
I am forbidden to smoke. And I can't be prescribed certain medications.
It's really true.
And now I can finally say I am happy. Warm, tingly, giggly, hug-myself kind of happy.
A simple, uncomplicated feeling.
Like floating inside a bubble.
But a pretty resilient bubble because things that would normally aggravate me just seem to slide off without piercing through and getting to me.
And I have all sorts of new habits and pastimes that give me immeasurable pleasure.
1) Taking my clothes off, staring at myself in the mirror, looking for changes, in reality, looking for the baby. I can do this for ages.
2) Talking to the baby. Not the sort of silly incoherent babble I use when I talk to other people's babies. Really talking. Sometimes in my head and sometimes when am alone, out loud. It's strange how much I find I have to say.
3) Following up from no.2, I am no longer afraid to be alone. Infact I like being by myself. I love my privacy these days.
4) Buying baby stuff. I am a shopaholic again. The fact that everything I buy I will have to pack is no longer a put-off. I would buy - and pack - the whole world for my baby. No sweat.
5) Buying groceries and cooking for myself.
6) Looking at my husband's baby pic - which is back over our wedding photo in the frame on the bedside table.
I just woke up actually. Was dreaming I was in bed with my husband. Like most of my dreams these days, it was so vivid I could feel his weight on top of me. Then the air which always feels so cold on the vast areas of my skin that had been covered by him when he would move away from me. And I woke up out of breath and covered with goosebumps.
Lay there for a bit before I realized I was alone. Normally a dream like that would have brought me to tears - of loneliness and frustration. Alternatively, it would have made me call him and pick a fight with him. Today it made me smile. That was a GOOD dream, I thought. Why did I ever react so badly? And then all sorts of memories came flooding in. All involving me, my husband and this bed. And for once, I enjoyed them.
Even though he is not with me, even though we're rapidly reaching the point where the time we spent apart is as much as the time we spent together as husband and wife, he is there and he is mine.
And now I am going to have his baby.