To sleep all the time.
Me. The insomniac. The hyperactive maniac. The hurricane in the room.
I want to lie in bed.
So I won't be tempted to make any sudden movements.
I have this strange need for stillness.
And when you're still, well, then sleep is the only way to pass the time really.
After my husband's last visit, I couldn't stand to even look at the bed anymore.
So I would sleep on the couch in the living room.
Now this same bed is my refuge.
The memories it brought back which hurt so much when compared to the scary void he leaves behind him, these memories no longer make me feel like running away and hiding.
Because this time he didn't leave a void. He left me something.
If I really am pregnant, then our bed is where this baby was conceived.
And I feel like if I can only stay in here, near the source if you will, then I can keep this baby safe.
So I only get out of bed when I absolutely have to. And I am always counting the minutes until I can get back.
A couple of nights back I fell asleep on top of the duvet.
And dreamt that I fell off the bed.
I woke up freezing cold, so sure that I lost the baby.
The dream was so vivid.
I had seen myself so clearly, lying on the floor, next to the bed, bleeding and in pain.
The pain I remember so well from last time.
So now to feel completely safe, I have to be in bed AND wrapped up tight under the duvet.
If I really am pregnant? Why do I keep thinking that?
The doctor confirmed it. The OBYG I saw later confirmed it.
And not content with all of that, I take a home pregnancy test like 4 times a day. They're always positive.
Why this need for constant confirmation?
Maybe because I don't feel pregnant?
I don't have any symptoms.
Physically, I don't feel any different.
I am late of course. But that has happened to me before for a lot of other reasons.
So I keep thinking what if all the tests are wrong?
What do I do then?
But I didn't have any symptoms last time either and it was true then.
And I don't want this time to be anything like last time.
So all I pray for now is something tangible.
I know it's way too early to expect to feel the baby kick or whatever.
But still, I wish I could feel more.
I want a miserable pregnancy.
I want the morning sickness and the backaches and the cravings and the painful breasts.
I want to feel everything I ever heard a pregnant woman who had a healthy baby say she felt.
I want to feel it in my heart.
I want to be sure, to know for myself.
I want to have no more doubts or questions.
What is wrong with me?
Why do I keep getting pregnant and not feeling it? Aren't women supposed to have some sort of instinct about this sort of thing?
Why don't I? I'm the woman everyone says is overly sensitive and feels things too much.
So why can't I feel the one thing I want to feel the most?