Tuesday, August 05, 2008

I want.......

To sleep all the time.

Me. The insomniac. The hyperactive maniac. The hurricane in the room.

I want to lie in bed.

So I won't be tempted to make any sudden movements.

I have this strange need for stillness.

And when you're still, well, then sleep is the only way to pass the time really.

After my husband's last visit, I couldn't stand to even look at the bed anymore.

So I would sleep on the couch in the living room.

Now this same bed is my refuge.

The memories it brought back which hurt so much when compared to the scary void he leaves behind him, these memories no longer make me feel like running away and hiding.

Because this time he didn't leave a void. He left me something.

If I really am pregnant, then our bed is where this baby was conceived.

And I feel like if I can only stay in here, near the source if you will, then I can keep this baby safe.

So I only get out of bed when I absolutely have to. And I am always counting the minutes until I can get back.

A couple of nights back I fell asleep on top of the duvet.

And dreamt that I fell off the bed.

I woke up freezing cold, so sure that I lost the baby.

The dream was so vivid.

I had seen myself so clearly, lying on the floor, next to the bed, bleeding and in pain.

The pain I remember so well from last time.

So now to feel completely safe, I have to be in bed AND wrapped up tight under the duvet.

If I really am pregnant? Why do I keep thinking that?

The doctor confirmed it. The OBYG I saw later confirmed it.

And not content with all of that, I take a home pregnancy test like 4 times a day. They're always positive.

Why this need for constant confirmation?

Maybe because I don't feel pregnant?

I don't have any symptoms.

Physically, I don't feel any different.

I am late of course. But that has happened to me before for a lot of other reasons.

So I keep thinking what if all the tests are wrong?

What do I do then?

But I didn't have any symptoms last time either and it was true then.

And I don't want this time to be anything like last time.

So all I pray for now is something tangible.

I know it's way too early to expect to feel the baby kick or whatever.

But still, I wish I could feel more.

I want a miserable pregnancy.

I want the morning sickness and the backaches and the cravings and the painful breasts.

I want to feel everything I ever heard a pregnant woman who had a healthy baby say she felt.

I want to feel it in my heart.

I want to be sure, to know for myself.

I want to have no more doubts or questions.

What is wrong with me?

Why do I keep getting pregnant and not feeling it? Aren't women supposed to have some sort of instinct about this sort of thing?

Why don't I? I'm the woman everyone says is overly sensitive and feels things too much.

So why can't I feel the one thing I want to feel the most?

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13 Comments:

Blogger Puppy said...

Inshallah LouLou everything will be fine. And very soon you will start feeling everything pregnant women should feel, give it some time. Wishing you all the best!

Puppy.

8/05/2008 08:27:00 AM  
Blogger Rain said...

Your words are so touching ya Lou...I feel for you so much.. BTW the feeling u want to sleep most of the time is a sign :), and the morning sickness should start soon don't worry about it :D .

I assume u didn't tell ur husband yet cause you are still doubting it.

Just have faith in Allah , HE gave you what you've been wanting for so long ,isA HE will protect you .

Keeping you in my prayers sweet L.

8/05/2008 11:57:00 AM  
Blogger Just a Girl said...

First, congratulations. I am so happy for you. What does K. think? Have you told him yet? By the way, I did the same thing. Tested over and over again because I couldn't believe it. One test could be faulty, but several positives and a confirmation from the doctor, well, honey you are definately pregnant.

Second, it may be a few weeks before you really feel anything. It may be headaches or breast tenderness or just feeling extremely tired. But trust me, you will feel something. First time around, it may be week 16 or so before you really feel that baby kicking around.

I wish you the best and hope this pregnancy goes full-term and you have a beautiful, healthy baby.

Eat well, cut down to two or three cups of coffee a day and take those prenatal vitamins.

What a wonderful blessing.

8/05/2008 05:44:00 PM  
Blogger Um Naief said...

the mind is a very powerful thing... probably based on the fact that you want to feel it so much is the reason you don't.

altho, i would think you would be having tenderness in areas by now...

you NEED to tell your hubby... or are you concerned that you really aren't, so why tell???

8/05/2008 07:46:00 PM  
Blogger Just a Girl said...

By the way, it's Jane. Just a Girl is my new alias.

8/05/2008 09:00:00 PM  
Blogger LouLou said...

I haven't told my husband because I'm still too shaky to cope with any complications.

So far I've been obssessing and blogging about it.

One thing at a time.

First I need to pass the 6-week test. I think I will feel a lot more secure then.

Irrational maybe but I can't help it.

Then I will tell my mother. That's the easiest step because there's no reason to doubt that she will be very happy.

Then hopefully with her support, I will lose the fear and be able to enjoy myself. I think I've earned the right to be happy about this for a bit before I have to deal with anything.

8/05/2008 11:08:00 PM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Jane,

I know you who you are. Good to hear from you. And thank you.

8/06/2008 12:52:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Sweet rain as always.

I guess from your comments that you've experienced pregnancy to a happy conclusion. I missed a lot.

Congratulations to you.:)

8/06/2008 12:54:00 AM  
Blogger insomniac said...

hey loulou,

mabrouk :)

btw, one of the pregnancy symptoms is wanting to sleep all the time and... not to mention the vivid dreams, they are not always the best tho... so there, 2 good symptoms that beat the morning sickness with all its throwing up and the backaches, count your blessings girl, there is more to come :))

wishing you the best :)

8/06/2008 10:57:00 AM  
Blogger Safiya Outlines said...

Salaam Alaikum,

Mabrouk on your pregnancy.

As everyone else has said, tiredness is a massive symptom of pregnancy.

You're probably a bit early for morning sickness. Be warned though, morning sickness is horrible. I'm about 17 weeks now and it's just starting to go.

I know the anxiety though, I just couldn't wait until 12 weeks had passed so I could feel a bit more secure about it.

Also, vivid dreams are a symptom of pregnancy, I've had some astounding ones.

I wish you all the best. Sleep well , eat well and look after yourself.
;)

8/06/2008 01:58:00 PM  
Blogger roora said...

MABROOK :)

Enjoy the blessing that you dont feel by tiredness, and stop worrying:)))) Libra after all! I guess worrying sometimes just prevents us to enjoy the good things we actually have.

Have a good care of yourself

8/06/2008 02:47:00 PM  
Blogger Mohamed said...

If I was pregnant I think I'd want the same kind of pregnancy you're asking for here.. to really feel it --even if painful! This one will go well I'm sure, its well deserved.

8/11/2008 04:38:00 PM  
Blogger jessyz said...

Yupz sleep is your number one sign, as for the morning sickness, I had that for 9 months straight so please please please don't wish for it. Insha2 Allah things will go great and you will carry to full term, Relax girl go get a manicure or something all of this stress is not healthy.

8/11/2008 06:26:00 PM  

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