K : Hello?
Me: Hi.
K : You're sleeping? What time is it there?
Me: 3:00pm
K : Late night?
Me: Very.
K : Did you go out after we spoke last night?
Me: Yes.
K : Where do you go after midnight?
Me: I went to a club, K. Where else?
K : To do what?
Me: What do people usually do at clubs?
K : They drink and get picked up.
Me: Or they dance.
K : Who do you dance with?
Me: Why are you asking?
K : Because you're my wife. I'm curious about who you dance with all night when you're out clubbing without me. It's very interesting to me.
Me: Who do you want me to dance with?
K : Ana illy basa'al ya L.
Me: I dance with friends, K.
K : Do they have names?
Me: Yes. Names that you already know. Same people I always dance with. No one new.
K : Well, stop it.
Me: What?
K : You heard me. This has got to stop.
Me: What has got to stop?
K : You going out clubbing every night. You're a married woman. You're in your 30's. Your father-in-law is dying. And you're out dancing every night. It's wrong and as of now, it's going to stop.
Me: This is how you see it?
K : This is how everybody sees it. Everybody except you.
Me: Everybody? Somebody's been talking about me and you've been listening?
K : Ma7addish yi2dar yitkalim 3laiki 2osadi winti 3arafa kida kwais awi.
Me: Then what?
K : You're in every Facebook party photo in Abu Dhabi.
K : Eh? Sakta leh?
Me: I don't know. I'm shocked I guess.
K : By what? You didn't know?
Me: I'm not on Facebook much.
K : No of course not. Where would you get the time? You're obviously very busy.
Me: I'm sorry. I should have been more careful.
K : Yeah, I'll say.
Me: K, I'm really sorry. It was stupid. I wasn't thinking.
K : Do you know how my family would feel if they see this sort of thing?
Me: You told me to stop and I will. There's no need to keep beating me up about it. I have tried to be supportive to your family as much as I can from where I am. I talk to them all the time. And I am very sorry about your father. If I gave the impression that I'm not then it was stupid of me and I'm sorry about that. You know why I'm doing what I'm doing and it's not because I don't feel for you or your family. What more can I say?
K : Khalas, khalas.
Me: K!
K : Bossi ana ta3ban wi 2arfan wi khalas ma ba2itsh 3arif hala2eeha mnain wala mnain.
Me : I'm sorry.
K : Yeah.
Me : I love you, K.
K : Tayeb. Aseebik ba2a tkamili nom.
Me : You don't want to talk anymore?
K : Ma3laish. Kefaya kida dilwa2ti.
Me : Ok.
So that was that. The irony is that ever since his father got sick, I've been wishing he'd open up and talk to me about how he's coping. And he hasn't. He's completely shut me out. And when does he finally open up? When I do something stupid and let him down. When I feel so guilty and crappy about what I've done that I can't think of anything to say. Other than I'm sorry, which feels so inadequate.
I did check Facebook and email everyone I know who has pics of me up and ask them to take them down. Just checked again and most of them seem to be gone. Which is nice of them. Don't blame them really. They didn't mean anything. Can't blame anyone other than myself for this. It is so hard being at home without him. I hate this big, empty apartment. It makes me feel like I can't breathe. But I was selfish to think only of my feelings and not his.
I called him a little while ago and he didn't pick up. I am so worried about him. He sounded awful.
posted by LouLou @ 10:03 PM
19 Comments:
is it normal that this kind of behaviour -no matter how explainable it is- makes me angry just by reading about it?.. and is it normal that it doesn't make you? ya3ni this is disrespectful for him? and you understand him?!.. Sorry for my p.o.v., i guess it's just a difference of mentality or/and culture i guess.. ya3ni the actual problem is that you go to clubs without him? that you are seen going to clubs without him? or that his family might find out?!
Have always gone to clubs without him. Even when he was here. And he's never really liked it. And I never cared because I didn't feel I was doing anything wrong. So I went from time to time and he grumbled about it but not too bad and life went on.
Of course I'm doing it to excess now. Much, much more often than I ever have. He knows I do it but I don't think he would have realized how often, unless I told him which I didn't. That felt like getting caught doing something dishonest, which is never nice.
But no, the problem here is his father's situation. For my husband and his family to be going through such a difficult time and for me to be going out partying everynight is simply insensitive and disrespectful to all of them. If it was my father who was sick (God forbid) and my husband who was out partying all the time I wouldn't like it either. Neither would my family if they knew about it. It shows a lack of empathy and solidarity that will always offend.
Like I said, I just didn't think. The minute he said something I got the picture.
oooooh his father is sick, NOW i got it!.. i missed it while reading, so i thought the problem is what, that he doesn't like it ok but has no particular objection on you clubbing, but he cares of what his family think had they found out?! sounded kinda hypocritical, but no, this way it all has an explanation.
It is a matter of sensitivity and empathy, like you said, i get it, hands down, but still ya Lou, isn't there always a better way to ask? ya3ni shou haida "it's going to stop" ?! whatever happened to discussing about it and asking nicely, and making the other part understand what is bugging you aw shou mesh sa77? he wants you to stop acting disrespectfully by not being respectful to you? like you're an accountant at his company?
For all i know, you are one of the most patient ppl i have "known". He sounds great, and caring, and disorientated at the moment, really, and there sure is his point of view i am not reading here about, but still you are SO patient. I'll give the credit to love for that one ;) You could have easily became a wa7sh and exploded bi la7za, heh :))
Well he was certainly angry. To be perfectly honest with you the tone and the semantics didn't really register with me. What registered was that he was in so much pain. He's never actually said the words 'my father is dying' before and it hurt so much to hear him say it. After everything he has sacrificed, that he has reached a point where he's feeling so defeated, that the situation is that hopeless, that he's saying we should more or less be in mourning for his father. That's what really registered.
And to think that in the middle of all that, I should cause him a moment's anxiety over something so stupid, well it made me feel so horrible.
I could sense how helpless he feels, to do anything for his father or his family or for me or about his whole life really. I wasn't going to say well you can't boss me around. It just wasn't the time to assert my independance by making him feel even more helpless than he already did.
The worst part is, I was restless before. Now, I'm practically climbing the wall. This is crazy. What am I doing here? I should be with him. He shouldn't be going through this on his own.
:)) enti 2amar
he is a master at making u feel guilty. sorry to say, but he controls u to the max and doesnt want to give u credit or excuses about anything. he opens up only when he wants and decides to.
hm, kinda my point, but i was afraid of sounding insulting
One should keep the whole picture in mind. I give him a hard time about not being here all the time. I make him feel guilty. Because I don't know how to stop. I am so miserable without him that I can't help lashing out at times. I know he sounds nasty here but it's just one conversation. Believe you me, I can be pretty nasty too.
It's a constant struggle for both of us to keep from taking it out on each other these days.
Because I'm in the situation day in day out, I can sense when there's something more going on than the usual everyday tension and exchange of barbed comments etc....
And today I found out I was right. Something did happen. My guess is he's known about what I was doing for a while but decided not to mention it because he would feel that it's something I shouldn't need to be told and he's too proud to ask when I might not listen etc... And then one day something else was eating at him and he couldn't hold back anymore.
it's not about this one conversation, it's about a whole blog's posts ya 7abibte
anyway khalass, i feel like i am violating your comments' space
:)
i trust that you know better, if not best
Well I was talking about a whole blog's posts too. And everything I didn't blog about.
Anyway, enough. I've written so many posts where people have attacked me for my behavior. So I guess I shouldn't complain too much when everyone's on my side for a change.:)
I don't think you should feel bad or guilty for going out. What are you supposed to do? Sit at home and watch the clock tick? It's not like you can be with K right now. You can't heal his father. You have been so depressed since K left, it is understandable that you might overdo the clubbing for awhile.
I see his being upset over this as his feelings about his father spilling over into another area. I'm guessing that he understands why you've been going out so much lately but is trying to deal with the knowledge that his father is dying. That his wife cannot be with him right now. He may even be a little jealous that you are not consumed by the same responsiblity he has taken upon himself.
How much longer before you can go there? Best wishes.
Jane
i've always thought he sounded controlling and kind of sexist, but like u said you guys seem to have a complicated relationship which seems to involve a no-holds-barred appraoch that i find alien.
el mohem i don't think it makes it any worse that u were in pictures...you're not ashamed. but you're right, this is a painful time for him and if this is the show of support he requires then so be it.
Yes he and I have long since given up any attempt at being tactful with each other. I don't know which one of us started that really but it is now a pattern that we don't worry about how we phrase things. We just blurt out whatever our current mood or status of mind will dictate and expect the other party to filter out the static.
For example, I have on occasion asked him why if he was so '7imish' he had ever gone off and left me unattended, what kind of man would do that, that I don't owe him anything and can do whatever it is I want and if he doesn't like it he should come and stop me etc....
Which is not the most feminist thing I ever said and really not the kind of logic I had ever thought I'd catch myself propagating. Really, the depths which basic sexual frustration can cause you to sink to.
On other occasion, I'm so frustrated and I remember how his sex drive is - if possible - even higher than mine and I suddenly can't believe that he's going without. And I've attacked him accordingly, despite not having the slightest evidence that he has ever been in anyway unfaithful.
His reaction has varied between laughing at me, or if I catch him in the wrong mood, explosions of temper born out of guilt because he's the reason why I'm so unhappy and there's nothing he can do about it. On a few occasions, he even managed to be really sweet and understanding of my more unpleasant moods.
I mean, I expect him to cope with that sort of thing repeatedly and figure out for himself without any help or explanation from me that:
1) I am not really going to do anything wrong.
2) I do trust him to be faithful.
3) I do understand that it's not his fault that we can't be together.
4) I just miss him a lot.
Which - amazingly enough - he does. Or we wouldn't still have a marriage.
And so when he calls me up and talks the way he did here, I just see it as my turn to be understanding.
dont know ya L. He is controlling and a bit passive. wants everthing his way. Moreso, why wouldever his family go into facebook. he is jealous!
personally i don't find it controlling that he doesn't want you going to clubs w/out him. you are a married woman and, i believe, that once two ppl make that commitment, then it needs to be a commitment to your partner. if they don't want you going to clubs w/out them, you should respect that.
this culture and the mindset of many in this part of the world is foreign to me. i think men and women do things a lot differently and it winds up making the other party angry. why get to that?
is he going out and partying w/ his friends and such?
Lying is harsh word. I simply didn't bother to call and report to him everytime I went out so he didn't realize I was doing it most nights as opposed to the weekends.
He knows now though.
Does he report to you anytime he goes out for coffee or to bars mathalan? (coz I kinda got the impression that he is not that much into clubbing, or what?) I doubt he does
He doesn't report to me and he didn't ask me to report to him. Simply put, he was surprised to see so many pictures because it looked like I was doing nothing but partying. That hadn't been the case before he left so he was surprised.
He never accused me of lying. He just seemed surprised. And I felt bad because I always feel bad when something I do catches him by surprise this way. I wished I had said something.
Fortunately however, that aspect of the matter doesn't seem to have presented itself to him so far. So I guess all's well etc....
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