Sunday, May 11, 2008

Credit

The two of us are sprawled on the bed, not touching, physically spent to the point where we can't take anymore and space is such an overwhelming need that we have to break all contact.

Minutes go by as we try to catch our breath and recover. Something stops buzzing in my ears and the room suddenly feels very quiet. I roll onto my side and close my eyes. I am tired and sleepy but I am fighting to stay awake because I don't want the night to be over. I listen for his breathing. Is he done for the night? Is he asleep?

I wait. And am not disappointed. A few minutes later, he's asking if am hungry. I get out of bed without answering. I am trying to keep the goofy grin hidden from him.

I go to the bathroom first and stand under the shower. It wakes me up a little. Enough to go to the kitchen and see about getting us a late night snack.

The intention is that we will eat it in bed but he comes into the kitchen and starts eating the filling out of my sandwiches. I am laughing and slapping his hands. I like to serve things properly. A brief struggle ensues over the food.

Then we quiet down and we eat on our feet, leaning on the kitchen counters, talking about the sort of things people talk about when they just don't want to be silent.

We keep grinning at each other like we just discovered a cure for cancer or something.

We go back to bed. And this time he's out like a light in no time. I lie there in the dark for ages, smiling to myself. Too happy to sleep.

***************************************************************


These days I am nearly always angry with him because I don't feel good most of the time and I blame him for it. And being angry about one thing (his abscence), it keeps my mind focused on all the other ways in which I feel he failed me. Like the fact that we're still childless. And the fact that he's no longer as patient with my neurosis as he used to be.

I mean, I can remember crying in his arms. I can remember him taking so much time to calm me down, to laugh away whatever happened to be bothering me at a given time.

I can remember when he seemed invincible to me, when I thought he could handle anything including me and anything I chose to dump on him. All without complaint and in the best of humor.

Now I feel like if I cry he's more likely to throw something at me than take me in his arms. I have to go to other people for that type of comfort. And am not allowed to complain to him AT ALL. About anything. Not unless I want to bring out the worst in him. He just will not have it.

It's kind of ironic that before we got married, when most of my freaking out was done out of wedding nerves or fear of commitment or seperation anxiety (from my family), he had so much patience. Those seem like trivial issues when compared to what am going through now or what I went through after the miscarriage. And yet he has so much less time and energy for me now.

Can it be that I used up all his support over the little things so that when the going started to get really tough, he was out of patience? Or is it that I took too much and didn't give enough back? Or that he's got his own issues now?

Is that how it works? And if it is, why won't he say so? Why won't he tell me what I can do to fix it? What, if anything, he needs from me now?

Sometimes I feel so shut out by the physical and emotional distance that I wish he'd just come out and tell me that it's over, that he doesn't love me or need me anymore. Even that seems better than never really knowing what's on his mind.

I told him that once quite recently and all he said was that if you're in love, you never think about breaking up. And I was left feeling like I had to apologize for bringing it up.

Whatever. So I am angry at him now because he's not really doing very well on the making-me-feel-good scale.

With that in mind, the Libra in me decided it's only fair that I should give him credit for also being behind all the times in my life I was so happy I couldn't sleep. I should give him credit for nights like the one above which was not atypical by any means.

Like the first time he said he loved me. That night I thought I'd never want to sleep again. I had so much energy I never even got into bed all night.

And so many other different occasions. Too many to list or to count really.

Readers of this blog know that insomnia is the story of my life. But that was happy insomnia, insomnia because you're so happy that falling asleep feels like missing out, insomnia because you WANT to be aware - not because you can't sleep. THAT I would recommend to anyone. And that's what he can and did give me.

It's the high that makes all the lows worthwhile. Or does it?

For now I guess it does, sort of. I just hope that at some point things will get better so that I don't have to keep relying on the past to make the present bearable.

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3 Comments:

Blogger Um Naief said...

this is marriage. there are going to be highs and lows... it'll never always be on a high. i'm sure the stress in his life has gone up 100% since moving and he probably doesn't want to hear complaints because he feels guilty for brings you unhappiness. try to complain less... see where it leads you.

living in the past isn't healthy... or living for moments "like" the past is even worse. live for today, this moment in time. stop and smell the roses - life. try to relax. i'm sure it's tough... easy to say, but hard to do. but try. it'll make life better... for you and him, and may make way for a child in the future.

men are interesting creatures. he reminds me of my husband.

i'm glad you guys had that special time though...

5/14/2008 05:41:00 PM  
Blogger Vulgar-Vulva said...

My heart goes out to you. I hope you both make it work. :)

Stay strong!

(I sound like a cliche, but I wish I had something more encouraging/inspiring to say).

Cheers!

5/28/2008 07:21:00 AM  
Blogger Lost Soul said...

I have to tell u that i am so interested to understand more about what u are going through with your husband. The thing is that myself and one of my friend are facing the same situation as u. My friend, she is getting married in this coming august and i am getting married end of this year. Both of us are getting sick and tired trying to understand our future husbands but we can never understand them no matter how hard we have been trying.As it is, most 'men' are so hard to understand and predict.We are undergoing endless arguments and discussions but nothing can be solved. They think that we as women, nag so much at them and they dont like it. But the fact that we are just trying to make them clarify to us some of the things we are not comfortable with or etc. For us, it is just simply asking 'harmless questions' for discussion. In the end, arguments, shoutings and swearings arise repeatedly until both sides got fed up and upset but yet strangely still together. The only thing that keeps it together is just the 'love' for one another. Nothing more than that. I guess being away from each other does not help make the situation any better. So what can we do Ms Loulou? For sure, i know all of us love our men so much!

6/02/2008 08:53:00 AM  

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