I keep thinking about useless things and pondering useless questions. It's a waste of thought and energy I know. I should stop.
Like now. At 2:30 in the morning, I start wondering why I now only use my side of our bed, never yours. I'm obssessively careful not to disturb your side of the bed. Because maybe if I don't roll over into all that empty space I can continue to deny on some level that it IS infact empty?
Our bed. Is it even still that? I mean this bed has to go - just like everything else in the apartment. You will probably never sleep here again. So does that make it my bed now because I am the one sleeping in it? Or is it still yours because well, you did buy it? Our bed, my bed, your bed. None of it sounds quite right. I guess it's just the bed now.
God knows I am no stranger to sleepless nights. But sleepless nights with you sleeping next to me were so much easier.
I know you need me too. I know because our need and our frustration has turned into this great wall between us. It's such hard work now to even talk over the frustration and the noise of how hard we're both fighting to keep from taking it out on each other.
Am I supposed to feel better because you're miserable too?
Our last time together was good and bad that way. Good because while a part of me is still mad at you for giving me up and not looking back the way you did, at least for 10 days you did give me your full undivided attention. Physically and emotionally, you gave me 150% which I guess is the only way you do things when you do them at all. You really took care of me.
But it was bad because I knew that the minute it was over, you were going to give that 150% somewhere else.
All in all, it was good while it lasted but bad because I knew in the greater scheme of things, it wasn't going to make things any easier.
Is it too much to ask that you learn to share yourself out better? Am I wrong to want 75% all the time rather than 150% for 10 days and then nothing for God only knows how long?
I love you.