Sunday, April 13, 2008

Squandered Thoughts

I keep thinking about useless things and pondering useless questions. It's a waste of thought and energy I know. I should stop.

Like now. At 2:30 in the morning, I start wondering why I now only use my side of our bed, never yours. I'm obssessively careful not to disturb your side of the bed. Because maybe if I don't roll over into all that empty space I can continue to deny on some level that it IS infact empty?

Our bed. Is it even still that? I mean this bed has to go - just like everything else in the apartment. You will probably never sleep here again. So does that make it my bed now because I am the one sleeping in it? Or is it still yours because well, you did buy it? Our bed, my bed, your bed. None of it sounds quite right. I guess it's just the bed now.

God knows I am no stranger to sleepless nights. But sleepless nights with you sleeping next to me were so much easier.

I know you need me too. I know because our need and our frustration has turned into this great wall between us. It's such hard work now to even talk over the frustration and the noise of how hard we're both fighting to keep from taking it out on each other.

Am I supposed to feel better because you're miserable too?

Our last time together was good and bad that way. Good because while a part of me is still mad at you for giving me up and not looking back the way you did, at least for 10 days you did give me your full undivided attention. Physically and emotionally, you gave me 150% which I guess is the only way you do things when you do them at all. You really took care of me.

But it was bad because I knew that the minute it was over, you were going to give that 150% somewhere else.

All in all, it was good while it lasted but bad because I knew in the greater scheme of things, it wasn't going to make things any easier.

Is it too much to ask that you learn to share yourself out better? Am I wrong to want 75% all the time rather than 150% for 10 days and then nothing for God only knows how long?

I love you.

Labels: ,

10 Comments:

Blogger Rain said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

4/13/2008 09:18:00 AM  
Blogger Puppy said...

How many months remained to wait?

4/14/2008 04:36:00 PM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Puppy,

the hardest part is that we never know how long we have to wait. All we can do is respond as quickly as possible from our side when we're asked to provide some new documentation or attend interviews. We have no control over the processing time. They always say 6-8 weeks. Sometimes they get back to you a little before that but mostly that's how long it takes.

And then when you've waited 6-8 weeks, counting every second, the answer can be yes, no or usually a request for more information which means more waiting. If we get a rejection, then it may mean going through an appeal process which will take a lot of time. Thankfully, we are told this is unlikely in our case. But again unlikely is not impossible.

So I don't really know anything at this point. And this makes it so hard to make plans. When do I give notice at my job? When do I sell my car, the furniture? When do I give up the apartment?

The only indication really is what we read about the average waiting times and the experiences of other people we know.

It is nerve-racking.

4/15/2008 12:27:00 AM  
Blogger Amre El-Abyad said...

I have just found out about your blog! Great one indeed! I shall visit it regualrly.

4/15/2008 02:42:00 AM  
Blogger Zed said...

Send him this post as a letter. Best wishes.

4/15/2008 05:58:00 AM  
Blogger Puppy said...

Quite complicated. Strange that they dont inform about all documents they need at once.

Best of luck!!! Hopefully everything will work out in a best way and soon.

Cheers,

Puppy.

4/16/2008 01:14:00 PM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Puppy,

"Strange that they dont inform about all documents they need at once."

Well I never expected it to be as simple as that. Immigration is always complicated because you have to prove that a) you have a genuine family reason b) that you and your family will be a positive contribution to the community.

That's really very subjective and not a matter of just bringing a few papers. It's about allowing your life to be investigated thoroughly until your caseworkers are convinced.

We always knew it was going to be complicated. Originally, K and I were planning to go through the process while we were together here. Then it wouldn't have mattered to me how long it took. I love this country. It's where I grew up.

Infact I remember I used to be happy when friends would tell us it was taking longer and longer to immigrate because it meant I get to stay in UAE longer!

But the issue with his father came up and he had to leave immediately.

That changed everything.

4/19/2008 11:54:00 AM  
Blogger Will E. said...

To prove you're a genuine family I think you just need to give them the address of this blog... It sounds like you're really suffering without him and no one who reads through all this can be cruel enough to let it go on..

[but you risk recommendations of some mental evaluations :)]

4/19/2008 07:35:00 PM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Will,

That made me smile. You're right of course. I suffered without him when he was out for an evening with his friends so naturally am not in heaven now.

Sometimes it seems like from the first moment I saw him I've been suffering without him in some way. I don't even know what to call it anymore. Addiction? It's so peculiar how someone you didn't know and was getting along just fine without comes into your life and all of a sudden there's this explosion of needs that you never even knew you had.

I know it might not appear like that to readers of this blog but really I wasn't always so insane. In life before him I remember being a groupie - pretty shallow really. I wanted the guy everybody else wanted. And then I stuck with it because I didn't want to be perceived as having failed to keep him. Everything was happening on a different level and driven by factors external to the relationship: image, family, competitiveness(who my friends/cousins were with compared to who I was with) etc....

Commitment was something I vaguely accepted as a universal recognized sign of a successful relationship but thought should be put off as long as possible so I can enjoy my life and yes, explore other options. In the back of my mind, I was always wondering if there wasn't something better out there. And yes, the perception was that enjoying your life ends when you get married.

You know the saying that you should marry the one you can't live with not the one you can live with? Well I'm sort of wavering about that now. I mean I'm sure I could have lived with a lot of people. But I went for the one I couldn't live without and maybe I should have run not walked to the nearest exit and checked myself into rehab instead? It can be a long debate whether feeling so much for your partner guarantees a happier relationship or causes it to implode in the long term.

My friends say I'm contrary in everything and why can't I just be like everybody else. Most couples have to work at keeping the passion and the drama alive etc.. and it seems like K and I need to work at toning it down instead. Or maybe I need to work at it. I recognize that it's much more my doing than his.

4/20/2008 09:13:00 AM  
Blogger Will E. said...

First,

I'm glad it made you smile.

Second,

We both know that it's okay to be contrary.

Third,

I think that loving your partner so much in itself can never be so bad, but it's in cases like yours that it can cause problems... it will always remain a debate I suppose.. but I think we owe ourselves not to let good things affect us negatively..

Perhaps you could focus your passion towards something else? I say write a book ! The hardest part is to remain focused on a theme but you know the theme and you'll be focused on the theme for very long too :) Plus it's much better than having to be committed to a mental institute :)

4/21/2008 06:58:00 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home