Saturday, January 05, 2008

It's really odd how

1) When seperated from my husband, all my memories of our time together are suddenly happy ones. Even when I KNOW that things weren't always easy, that it's not - and will never be - all sugar and spice and that there have been times when he was right next to me and I passionately wished him at the other end of the world.

It's odd because I have never been the forgiving type. I mean that. I've never been one to forget a grievance so easily.


2) How two of your best friends get married and you find yourself in hysterics on their wedding day because you can't get rid of the feeling that in a way, you've lost them both, that things will never be the same with either one of them.

Isn't it odd how you know you should be happy for them but you can't help feeling sad?

3) How the job where you had to work the hardest to get accepted, where it took years of effort before anyone made you feel in the least bit welcome or valued means more to you than any other potential job where people are friendly, respectful and are treating you like the Employee of The Year before you even joined them?

Why do I hate the idea of leaving my present position so much?

I don't even LIKE the people I work with that much. I'm not friends or social with any of them.

4) How I sometimes fight so hard for something then when it becomes attainable, start having second thoughts about it?

Last time we saw each other, my husband didn't seem too bothered about birth control, even though this time, he knew I wasn't on anything either. He seems resigned to - if not excited about - the idea of being a father now.

And well, I might be pregnant as we speak. And that knowledge, without the added burden of dreading his reaction to the news, is not as liberating as I was expecting. It's rather scary. The thought of being pregnant - and alone - with no husband and no family is scary.

Go figure!

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5 Comments:

Blogger Puppy said...

As for the last paragraph, if yes it will be an interesting story to tell your kid about how it all happened :) Good luck!!!

No matter how scary it is, everyone says it worth.

1/06/2008 12:02:00 PM  
Blogger Alina said...

Hey, belated happy new year! :)

Yup, it is funny how distance makes the bad things go away! Then again, I think it is a protection mechanism, happy moments, endorphines,something like that!

Hugs and all the best this year! I have this feeling it will be great for all of us :)

1/08/2008 08:51:00 PM  
Blogger Um Naief said...

well... if you're pregnant, it'll be a blessed experience... just wait.

i haven't read too far down in your blog, and have been missing in action for a while, but am wondering why you're changing jobs when looking at moving to switzerland.. but i guess i'll have to read to find out.

if you're pregnant, don't worry... everything will work out fine!

1/17/2008 02:32:00 AM  
Blogger Libyan Violet said...

Loulou habibti - you are missing K but at least you have him, you married him and he is yours and sooner or later you will have children, while I will never hold the one I love and will never have his children and will watch him marry someone else. Please count your blessings and be a little bit more patient. K is wonderful and he loves you greatly. Happy new year to you and congratulations if you are pregnant.
love and kisses and hugs from your greatest fan and sister
Violet

1/20/2008 01:05:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Libyan Violet,

I am sorry to hear that.

But love as I know it is a state of constant need - perpetually tied to the present living moment.

Meaning that at the moment when I have need of him - which is most of my waking time and sometimes in my sleep too btw - I need him NOW. The fact that I had him yesterday or will have him tomorrow does nothng to lessen the pain I feel NOW.

Sometimes I think it's getting better or that I'm getting used to it. And there are times when it gets so bad I can't function.

But most of the time, the pain is pretty uniform.

I've stopped expecting that to change.

That's my experience, anyway.

1/20/2008 04:05:00 PM  

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