It's really odd how

1) When seperated from my husband, all my memories of our time together are suddenly happy ones. Even when I KNOW that things weren't always easy, that it's not - and will never be - all sugar and spice and that there have been times when he was right next to me and I passionately wished him at the other end of the world.

It's odd because I have never been the forgiving type. I mean that. I've never been one to forget a grievance so easily.


2) How two of your best friends get married and you find yourself in hysterics on their wedding day because you can't get rid of the feeling that in a way, you've lost them both, that things will never be the same with either one of them.

Isn't it odd how you know you should be happy for them but you can't help feeling sad?

3) How the job where you had to work the hardest to get accepted, where it took years of effort before anyone made you feel in the least bit welcome or valued means more to you than any other potential job where people are friendly, respectful and are treating you like the Employee of The Year before you even joined them?

Why do I hate the idea of leaving my present position so much?

I don't even LIKE the people I work with that much. I'm not friends or social with any of them.

4) How I sometimes fight so hard for something then when it becomes attainable, start having second thoughts about it?

Last time we saw each other, my husband didn't seem too bothered about birth control, even though this time, he knew I wasn't on anything either. He seems resigned to - if not excited about - the idea of being a father now.

And well, I might be pregnant as we speak. And that knowledge, without the added burden of dreading his reaction to the news, is not as liberating as I was expecting. It's rather scary. The thought of being pregnant - and alone - with no husband and no family is scary.

Go figure!