Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Stop Telling Me......

That I should have a life without him!

I DO have a life without him.

I've stayed in reading all the time.

I've stayed out late every night.

I've shopped like a madwoman.

I've been to every party thrown on any occasion by every acquaintance of an acquaintance that I've heard about & managed to get myself invited to.

I've taken up a new sport. Two actually. 6 days a week I take lessons in one of them. On the 7th day, I take lessons in BOTH.

Am learning a new language. Classes 3 times a week.

Am trying to get a new professional certification online.

Am working on my CV.

I have the job.

I have the hobbies.

I have the old friends.

I've asked people for their numbers in each of my classes. And I've called & met up with them to convince myself am making new friends.

I volunteer for a charity once a week.

I've started fasting Mondays & Thursdays.

I even have a blog.


If that is life, then I have it. I have it all.

And you know what? IT SUCKS!

All those things? They can't take his place. Most of them I had when he was here anyway. They exist on a different dimension. A different level.

He is the core layer of my awareness. Things happen to me while he is here. Or while he is not. That's how I experience them. Nothing happens without reference to him. His presence or absence is the timeline, the reference point. His presence (or absence) gives things their color - light or dark.

His presence gives me my BALANCE. I feel so disoriented.

If I wanted a life without him, then why on earth does anyone think I bothered to marry him?

I have grown so tired of hearing those 3 words: LIFE WITHOUT HIM.

Stop repeating them in my face. Just stop.

Stop expecting me to pretend I am happy without him. I am not. And I won't be made to feel guilty about that anymore.

I am just filling in time.

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11 Comments:

Blogger Alina said...

Lou, I think it's just a matter of perspective here. He's in your heart and mind, right? So he is there with you on some level. This is how I chose to see it a while back. But my time without the loved one was seriously shorter. I know nothing really works. Not until you change your perspective a bit. And even then, it just makes you less miserable, and not necessarily very happy. It's been quite a while since he left. Which brings you closer to him.

I'd suggest putting up some paper and cutting off the days as they pass. This way, you could cherish getting closer to him each morning :)

I am not sure it works. In a different situation, it does wonders for me.

I know you need something more than advice and comforting words. But unfortunately, this is everything I can give you right now. And all my support and whatever time talking you'd need :) If it matters at all, I think you are handling this way better than most people could.

11/06/2007 12:53:00 PM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Alina,

What I need is him really. I need him with me.

Barring that, I need to have my feelings recognized as valid.

It's like because everyone was expecting me to take it so badly when he left, they've taken it upon themselves to slap me down everytime I show any sign of missing him. Stop it. Grow up. You're overreacting. It's only a few months. What's the big deal?

It's what I get from friends, family, even people am barely acquainted with have heard & feel free to lecture me.

Everyone acts like I shouldn't suffer at all from the fact that he's not here. Even him btw.

I understand why. In his case, because it makes him feel guilty. And everyone else thinks I'll have a nervous breakdown & kill myself any minute if they don't forcibly distract me from the fact that he's not here. Like ANYTHING can distract me.

And me, well, this post was a private rebellion really. I am trying hard to do what is expected of me. It's quite a strain. So this is wishful thinking. Maybe if I get the words out of my head & in print, I'll have the guts to say them to those who need to hear them.

Thank you for your understanding.

11/06/2007 01:54:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

Haha that was gold Loulou. you hit the nail on the head.

I guess the people who are telling you off for missing him and having no life are missing the essence of their own life, or they have never had it taken away.

11/07/2007 06:03:00 AM  
Blogger Um Naief said...

i think that no matter how busy you make yourself, it still won't be the same w/out him.

when i was in the states and hashim flew to bahrain, it seemed that everywhere i looked, i saw nothing but couples. no matter how busy i made myself, my mind was always thinking about him and our life.

what is taking so dang long w/ the procedure/paperwork and such????

how is his father? is he getting better?

girl, your post wore me out and i'm not the one staying so busy!! i'm glad you are keeping yourself occupied, and ignore ppl who try to make you feel bad for missing and wanting to be w/ your husband. these type of ppl are jealous of your love, in my opinion.

11/07/2007 02:32:00 PM  
Blogger Rambling Hal said...

Honestly? I think this is one of the most romantic posts I've ever read. I think nothing else you could have said would have been able to describe how much you love this man, and how much a part of your life him and his love must be. I don't mean to make light of this difficult time in your life at all, but I must admit, that I would do anything to one day experience a love so intense that I would be this miserable without the man in my life, despite the fullness of my life - know what I mean? In a way, you're lucky you feel this much.

11/07/2007 04:31:00 PM  
Blogger N said...

wow! i'm impressed!

i've been doing long distance ten months now and besides my job and friends my hobby is the couch!

i should make better use of my time!

11/07/2007 07:12:00 PM  
Blogger Safiya said...

Salaam Alaikum,

Wow, I feel like a total sloth after reading this.

Busy life or not, I miss my husband too, all the time everyday and it hasn't gotten any better or any easier. So, I know how you feel.

11/07/2007 11:01:00 PM  
Blogger Alina said...

Lou, I know you need him. As Safiya said, I miss D when I have to spend a day, half a day or a few days without him. And it would do wonders to just have him close by :)

Other than that, I'd appreciate some pieces of advice from you, on a somewhat professional level. I don't know if you really have time for it, but if you do, please let me know and I'll drop you an email. Thanks a million :)

11/09/2007 03:42:00 PM  
Blogger Will E. said...

Out of interest what is the new language and what are the sports?

11/10/2007 11:51:00 PM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Will E.,

The new language is Swedish, of course. The new sports are kick-boxing & Tai-Chi.

Alina,

Sure email me. I'll be happy to help if I can.

11/11/2007 10:03:00 AM  
Blogger eliza said...

Hi Loulou, I've been really enjoying reading your archive over the last few days. The writer of a narrative can never know or predict the impact their words will have on a reader. For me it has been so touching and painful to read because it has reopened old wounds of a relationship I had until last year. He too was Egyptian, a medic, gorgeous, jealous - a lot like your K sounds. The way you write the 3amia makes me nearly cry; it is SO what he used to say (all that mashi ya 3am, and the whole Egyptian way of saying things and that musri sense of humour. It just brings it all flooding back, what we had, what we lost.I hope this process of refamiliariation will bring catharsis and release. Wallahi, thank you for sharing your experience here.

On another, more practical front, I was just thinking about how you do your blog: does K know you keep it? If not, how so?! Are you not worried that people you know or that you work with will stumble across it and be able to identify you from the detail?

You write so well, I'm wondering if it just pours out, and you type as fast as you think... or do you spend ages thinking and editing and tweaking to get it to sound as you want it to?

I know that others have raised the point of how you can recall such long conversations so vibrantly and apparently accurately - but really, my two cents' worth, it is a great skill you have there. Putting the dialogue in the blog makes it all so immediate, so real. I can totally put myself in your shoes. And I wish you everything good.

11/11/2007 04:15:00 PM  

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