Stop Telling Me......
That I should have a life without him!
I DO have a life without him.
I've stayed in reading all the time.
I've stayed out late every night.
I've shopped like a madwoman.
I've been to every party thrown on any occasion by every acquaintance of an acquaintance that I've heard about & managed to get myself invited to.
I've taken up a new sport. Two actually. 6 days a week I take lessons in one of them. On the 7th day, I take lessons in BOTH.
Am learning a new language. Classes 3 times a week.
Am trying to get a new professional certification online.
Am working on my CV.
I have the job.
I have the hobbies.
I have the old friends.
I've asked people for their numbers in each of my classes. And I've called & met up with them to convince myself am making new friends.
I volunteer for a charity once a week.
I've started fasting Mondays & Thursdays.
I even have a blog.
If that is life, then I have it. I have it all.
And you know what? IT SUCKS!
All those things? They can't take his place. Most of them I had when he was here anyway. They exist on a different dimension. A different level.
He is the core layer of my awareness. Things happen to me while he is here. Or while he is not. That's how I experience them. Nothing happens without reference to him. His presence or absence is the timeline, the reference point. His presence (or absence) gives things their color - light or dark.
His presence gives me my BALANCE. I feel so disoriented.
If I wanted a life without him, then why on earth does anyone think I bothered to marry him?
I have grown so tired of hearing those 3 words: LIFE WITHOUT HIM.
Stop repeating them in my face. Just stop.
Stop expecting me to pretend I am happy without him. I am not. And I won't be made to feel guilty about that anymore.
I am just filling in time.