Monday, September 10, 2007

What do I do?



Blogger N said...

if you really are asking and are open to answers, here goes:

i think you have let your husband's identity define you and have forgotten all about yourself, the self you had away from him, you, you know?
I think your husband loves you, alot, i also think he must be tired because no matter how well you think you hide your obsession with him (forgive the strong word), men feel it. They know when your whole life revolves around them, they know when you are solely dependent on them for happiness, and for the most they don't really like it.

you are a good wife, no question, you love him, no question as well, but you are so hooked on his every move that you are driving yourself mad with insecurity! i mean this man loved you, married you and lives with you. you are his chosen partner of life, what more must he do to make you secure? And of course your insecurity drives him away, making you and more insecure, its a viscous cycle that ends down the drain.

so what do you do? you get a reality check. your friends are right, you're acting like he died. and guess what? he hasnt, he's alive and well and yours! so get a reality check, look at what you have, the man you love, try to calm yourself down and realize that you are constantly in a frenzy for no reason.

plan a trip to go see him in a month, then spend the month trying to get in touch with YOU. do the things you like, shop, run a bath, read a book, take nice drives, go away for a weekend, find the favourite tv show for YOU.

basically give yourself a break and love yourself for a change.

you have a good life, the man you love, and maybe this temporary separation was intended for you to recall your sanity and gain control over your emotions again.

i have no doubt that it must be absolutely exhausting being you, but i have to say that you are doing most of it to yourself from the mental state you're in.

change your paradigm, believe me it's high time.

Sorry if this was too harsh, i really only mean to help.

Good luck!

9/10/2007 10:19:00 PM  
Blogger Zed said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

9/11/2007 05:59:00 AM  
Blogger Alina said...

N sounds harsh, but it's the only thing you can do. Find yourself again. Do the things you love and be around people you like. And if you need to chat, vent out, and hear some other type on news for a change, all my contacts are available :)

You are an amazing person, you should see that more often. And honestly, your K does not seem the type of person to fail such a test. You should trust you (as in you and him) more.

9/11/2007 11:55:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...


I really can't allow you to keep thinking I stopped taking baths or shopping while he was here or after he left. I'd have to be positively suicidal to do that!

9/11/2007 04:38:00 PM  
Blogger N said...


Good one!

9/11/2007 09:43:00 PM  
Blogger loma said...

Ok...I was bored at work yesterday. I ended up coming across this blog. I must say you have really interesting blogs. I kept reading and reading for a couple of hours. They started sounding like some sorts of a novel. Anyway, about you and Mr. K, it is just 9 months and quite frankly I do agree with n. Yes it's harsh but I think it is what you need. You sound like you're still dating him in most of these blogs..but he's your husband! He's yours. He CHOSE you. I know this is easier said than done, but you should try to find peace somehow and stop driving yourself crazy for no reason. Try things that could calm you down such as meditation, prayer, or just reading a good novel and getting lost in it. You can't stay afraid of losing him. This is destructive thinking and it is what's driving you crazy. When I get like this, I usually start repeating the obvious to myself. Like "he's mine, he's all mine, I should stop worrying, it will all be OK".

9/12/2007 11:20:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Guys I have no wish to be argumentative but really why is everybody talking about insecurity? Where did I say anything about fear of losing him?

I find it hard to get through the day without my husband. I kind of got used to him. And am upset that he won't give me any sympathy or let me give him any either. I feel that if at least we could comfort each other, then this seperation might be easier to bear somehow.

We still haven't had a single serious conversation about anything that happened in the last few months. He doesn't like to talk about his father's illness. He doesn't like to talk about whether his siblings should or should not be allowed to take more responsibility for their own parent's well-being & why or why not. Some of them have asked me to speak to him about this. I tried & he basically told me to butt out & shut up. When I persisted, he lost his temper & then I lost mine & it turned into a big fight.

He doesn't like to talk about his current employment situation. He doesn't like to talk about the fact that we are now very much a long-distance relationship.

I don't know how he spends his time or how his father is doing or what his plans for the future are. I don't know if he actually resigned from his job & is now looking for a new one or if he simply transferred & is just waiting to re-join. I don't know what our finances are like now or what they're likely to be in the future. I don't even know where I'll be sleeping when I move over there. Are we going to stay on in his parent's house, in his old room? Are we going to sell his house & buy something close to their place? I have no idea.

Touch him on any of these subjects & he'll ignore. Push & he'll explode. And the list of taboos keeps growing.

And what kind of meaningful conversation are we supposed to have while ignoring the things that are uppermost in both our minds?

Basically am expected to be bubbly & flirtatious & cheerful all the time so as to provide a distraction & help him forget. Otherwise, I am pushing him to deal with the issues, with my feelings & his feelings and that's a big no-no.

We have a distance problem. And we have a major communication problem. But I don't see where insecurity comes into the pic.

9/12/2007 03:12:00 PM  
Blogger Alina said...

Lou, you guys have different ways to deal with things. You two have different needs. He obviously cannot give you what you need right now in terms of comforting each other and having serious conversations. Therefore, you can either drive yourself nuts with this, or find out something else to keep you busy. This would work both for you (as it keeps your mind locked on different things) and him as new topics to discuss appear.

What is causing this, what is making you have such a hard time going through the day without him, I wouldn't call it insecurity actually. That is a very harsh word. I'd call it a mild form of emotional addiction.

I've been reading this blog for a while now (you could count it in years I think). And what I've sensed is that you and K, aside from a similar core, are very different. And that didn't use to be such a big problem until now. And it will stop being soon enough. Or at least that's what I think will happen

9/12/2007 06:38:00 PM  
Blogger loma said...

I am sorry to hear that. It sounds pretty tough. I hope things start getting better for you soon ISA.

9/12/2007 09:32:00 PM  
Blogger Libyan Violet said...

Loulou I understand you perfectly but to quote loma You can't stay afraid of losing him. This is destructive thinking and it is what's driving you crazy.

It's not insecurity it's ومن الحب ماقتل
just think of those nine months like a great 'me' time! already a month has passed no?

I miss you woman - wishing you a good Ramadan.

9/13/2007 11:03:00 PM  
Blogger khdood said...


I can't help thinking that this distance between you and K has just accentuated so many latent issues-- of which you were partially responsible. For instance, your worries now with finances: there was a time when he had given you full access to the family finances, and you wanted autonomy and independence. This might have led him to think that you were perfectly comfortable letting him worry about family finances-- he may have misread you. Or, hesitation to tell him things-- simple things, such as how much you care about him-- have moved through a trajectory where now the relationship isn't built on constant communication streams.

It's still the beginning of your marriage, and you two are still defining what it means to be a couple. Tell him that because you are physically apart it's important for you to talk more about things-- important things and stupid things, serious and fliratious. And as much as I'd hate to do it, offer to be a little of what he needs...that relief, distraction, so that you can also get closer to him and get what you need, your partner back.

I love reading about your story. You and K are so passionate and so impulsive and so compulsive and so blunt. And this love that binds two intensely stubbord individuals... it's beautiful. But it's frustrating too, because this stress is bringing out the worst in him, and so you're challenged to put up with so much. Even his family is turning to you to understand how to deal with him! That's impressive. I know you can do it though.

9/13/2007 11:52:00 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home