Thursday, August 16, 2007

Goodbye

Him: Kefaya 3laiki kida inti t3ibti. (You've had enough.)
Me : But you didn't....
Him: Ma tkhafish 3alaya. 7a2i ha3raf akhdo bas bil3a2l. (Don't worry about me.)
Me : Am not that tired...
Him: Ya kadaba(liar). Raya7i shwya(Get some rest). Ana mish hakhalas dilwa2ti.

I started to say something but drifted off to sleep. I really was exhausted.

In the morning, before I even opened my eyes, we were having sex again. I didn't feel completely awake until after but it was so good. I was so relaxed I felt like I'd never want to move again.

Eventually, we did get up though. To shower & eat.

Me : You just wouldn't let it go, would you?
Him: Allah mish 3andi wa7id ma kamiltoosh? I7na haninsob? El7a2 ma yiza3lsh.(You owe me.)
Me : You only want me for one thing.
Him: Ya bit da ana msafir bokra(I'm leaving tomorrow). Mistaktara 3alaya a3mil talata?(And you begrudge me 3 rounds?)
Me : Talata(Three!)? Ya elzalim (How unfair)! Niseet(You forgot)?!!!
Him: Niseet tab3an (Of course). Bimazagi(Because I want to). 3ashan tibatali t3ideehom 3alaya.(I don't want you keeping count.)

So we started counting - which was hilarious actually. He kept insisting things didn't count and I kept arguing. It got really silly but it made us laugh.

Him : You're ok, though? I didn't hurt you, did I?

He did. I was a bit sore. But I was thinking how much I wanted him to stay & hurt me like that all the time.

All of a sudden, I felt a horrible, burning pain start in my chest then spread to my stomach & my throat. I couldn't help it. I was crying.

He took one look at me, turned around & slammed out of the bedroom. I started screaming after him. And kicking the door so hard I almost broke my foot.

I locked myself in the bedroom & had my crying fit - complete with hyperventilation. Then I threw up everything I'd just finished eating.

I got into bed to hide under the duvet but I couldn't help listening to the clock on the wall. I counted 15 minutes then I couldn't bear to watch our time running out anymore.

I found him in the living room, smoking sheesha.

Me: You know, if it's so hard for you to handle any suggestion that either one of us is HUMAN then why do you even bother with me? Masturbation would be so much easier, wouldn't it?

I saw him get up & for a second, I thought he was going to hit me.

He didn't, of course. We just had sex again. On the floor. Without preliminaries. Without even looking each other in the face.

It made me calm down. I don't know why. I guess I just accepted that it was the only way we were going to connect at that point.

For almost a week, it's been either sex or fighting or completely ignoring each other. Sex was demonstrably better than the other 2 options so I just gave up & stopped fighting it.

Me : Fine. So we don't talk anymore.
Him: Talk is now synonymous with you screaming that you hate me, wish we never met or similar. Bisara7a mish talba. (That's the last thing I need.)
Me : I'm sorry. This is really hard for me.
Him: Yeah and I'm just having a ball, aren't I?
Me : I tried to be strong & supportive. But I just never imagined it being my job to make it easy for you to leave me.
Him: If that's your job then you suck at it. I don't see how you could have made this any harder.
Me : You don't hate me, do you?
Him: No, L. I don't hate you. love you. I'm just trying to get out of here without our marriage sustaining anymore unnecessary damage.
Me : And sex is damage control?
Him: Face it. It's the only thing we still have going for us.
Me : You mean that?
Him: Well, apart from that, I can't do anything right with you anymore, can I?
Me : Mish khayif?
Him: Min eh?(Of what?) Kol illy kont khayif mino khalas 7asal(Everything I was afraid of has happened). Ma ba2ash fi 7aga yitkhaf minha(There's nothing left to be afraid of).
Me : But what if we can never go back? What if we stay like this?
Him: La ma tkhafish(No don't worry). Kolo biy3adi.(It will pass)
Me : I miss talking with you & thinking with you & feeling close to you. I miss doing things together - other than the obvious, I mean. I feel so lonely.
Him: A2ool eh bas(What can I say)? Rabina yihdeeki.
Me : There's so much we should have talked about.

Him (kissing me): 7abibti, elkalam ni2dar nitkalim filtelephone(We can talk on the phone). 2odamna kam shahr nitkalim feehom wi t2oolili kol illy nifsik fih (We have several months for you to tell me anything you want). Eh tani?(What else?) 3iyat? (Crying?)Bardo 2odamna wa2t kbir ni3ayat feeh(We have plenty of time for that too). Mish lazim nib2a ma3 ba3d ya3ni 3ashan ni3ayat windayi2 ba3. Mish 3arif inti mista3gila 3ala eh.

Me : You really think it will get better?
Him : Inshallah. Lama nit3awid 3ala elwad3 wi inti a3sabik tihda shwya.(When we get used to the situation & you're calmer.)
Me : Am going to work tomorrow.
Him : Ishmi3na ya3ni(Why?)? Mish konti wakhda agaza?(I thought you were off.)
Me : I don't want to be here when you leave.
Him : Mish hatigi twasalini (You don't want to drive me to the airport?)? Ahoon 3laiki?
Me : Ma3laish. Better not.
Him : Khalas wala yihimik(Fine). Ana hatsaraf. Elmohim ba2a, min hina lbokra elsob7....(And from now until tomorrow morning....)
Me : Aiwa? (Yes?)
Him : Khalina ba2a fil7agat illy ma yinfa3sh tit3imil 3an bo3d. (Let's concentrate on the things that can't be done from a distance.)

Sigh. We ARE oversexed. We get out of bed only to talk ourselves back into it.

We didn't even eat that last day. The next morning at work, I suddenly remembered that the last thing I'd had to eat was that sandwich I threw up early the day before he left. We survived on coffee, cigarettes & sex. Healthy diet, no?

Labels: ,

6 Comments:

Blogger Alina said...

Reading this kind of breaks my heart. So I can only imagine how it must be for you. If there's anything I can do, doesn't matter how silly or pointless, let me know. And you are much stronger than you think right now. And things will eventually get better. You are both meant for it.

8/17/2007 03:18:00 PM  
Blogger Jane said...

I am so sorry you are suffering and K is suffering. What you are going through has got to be one of the hardest things a couple can face. But in the past however long I have been reading your blog, one thing has always been obvious: you and K are in love. Hold on to that love and you two will make it through this difficult period. Things will get better. All relationships go through dark times. You two can survive this. In the meantime you must take care of yourself, both physically and mentally. Eat well, rest, find a way to relax. Write love letters to your husband. Think of how wonderful it will be when you are reunited. Try to enjoy this time you have to yourself. Try to think of this as time just for you, to take care of yourself, to enjoy yourself, to be selfish again.

Remember, it is always darkest before the dawn. All my love.

8/17/2007 07:19:00 PM  
Blogger Will E. said...

A bit surreal

8/17/2007 09:06:00 PM  
Blogger Safiya said...

Mr Outlines has had to move away to start The Job of His Dreams, so I kind of know how you feel. It's sucks (to put it mildly), but time always passes.

I've actually quoted an old post of yours on this very subject, I hope you don't mind.

8/19/2007 05:16:00 AM  
Blogger Muslimah said...

The best I can give you is this:

http://www.ilmquest.org/pc-377-186-fiqh-of-love-15-cd-set-by-yaser-birjas.aspx

it wont leave you disappointed insha'Allah.

8/21/2007 01:08:00 AM  
Blogger poshlemon said...

Loulou,

I have only just started reading your blog so I don't really know what is actually going on. But, all I can offer you is the following words.

If you are searching for the truth(however it may be relevant here), search everywhere and every place, and you will come back to realize that it is only inside of you.

8/21/2007 05:55:00 AM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home