Which is Worse?
Losing someone you love very much to an illness? Or having them survive, pass out of danger but sustain irreparable damage. So much damage that although they are physically around, they may never recognize you again? What if they change so radically that YOU don't feel you recognize them?
My husband is in Sweden with his family. Before he left, I could feel his fear of what he'll find when he gets there. He didn't want to go. He was his usual macho self and never admitted it but he wasn't fooling me. He would have put it off if he could have. But that wasn't really an option. I convinced myself that I should encourage him to go, that he'll never learn to cope with his father's new situation if he doesn't face the issue head on, that his family needs him there etc...?
Now I am left feeling like a mother who knowingly sent her child into harm's way. I wish I could bring him back. I keep praying & vowing that if only he comes through this I'll take better care of him next time.
I will be following him on Sunday. And I am afraid too. I want to be there for him & for all of them. After all, I am a part of the family now. But we haven't had much of a chance to get to know each other. And this has been so sudden. I am afraid of intruding on their shock & grief. At this of all times, it is crucial that I fit in.
My memories of my father-in-law are of a large, handsome man with a deep voice & a smiley face. An active, happy-looking person who came across as slightly vain. So fastidious & particular. And very active.
Now I'll never have the chance to get to know him.
We humans are such cowards & so much easier to break than we think, aren't we?