I speak to one of my parents everyday. And I email my brothers on a daily basis. But me & my sister ignore each other.
Sometimes, I ask my mother how my sister is. Mama will ask her to come to the phone & speak to me. She'll almost always say something mean like that she doesn't feel like it or she's busy etc...loud enough so she's sure I can hear. Upon which my mother will tell her off & she'll come to the phone. You can imagine the conversations we then have.
It drives me crazy. This feeling that someone is mad at you for no reason. That you're being punished/stonewalled permanently. I can't leave it alone. So I launch a charm campaign. Phone calls, SMS, cards, funny emails and presents. Lots of presents.
Little by little, she begins to thaw. She's never demonstrative. The best I can hope for is this grudging acceptance, that if someone says she should speak to me or asks her about me, I don't need to be afraid of her answer.
And that she will occasionally refer to me as her sister. She hardly ever does that. I remember that when her friends would come over to our house growing up, she would introduce us to them as 'my brothers & L'. Like I was another guest or something.
So now I know that when she uses the term 'my sister', it means we're in good shape.
But the thing is, as hard as I try to stay on speaking terms, it never lasts. She'll let it go on long enough that I'll start to hope for more. Then she'll do something that will ruin it.
Like now, I thought things were going so well between us that at her request, I flew her over her to stay with me for 2 weeks so she can see her friends & do some shopping.
In the few days since she arrived, she has created so much mayhem that I'm forced to think it is a bit more than teenage rebellion. There really is something very wrong with her. It's not natural for a kid her age to be so cruel & manipulative.
I feel so torn. One minute, I want to send her home & never see her again. The next, I can't bear for her to go away on bad terms. I want to keep her here until somehow it's all fixed. Sometimes, I'm asking myself, is it my fault? After all, I WAS jealous of her. I did have trouble accepting her. I did ignore her for years. But I never hated her the way she seems to hate me. NEVER.
It's like she keeps setting me up for this. Leading me on to think we can be close & then slapping me down with so much hostility. I feel stupid, used.
And I'm ashamed of it. For God's sake, I am 30 years old & she's 16. She's a kid. I should know how to deal with her.
My worst fear is that if she doesn't grow out of this soon, she's going to wear me out. She'll make me give up. I don't want to but this is so painful. I can't keep going through it over & over & over again. And if I stop trying, I know she won't try. So that means what? That we'll stop speaking forever? That we won't be part of each other's lives? That one day I'll be saying 'my brothers & L' too?
That seems so bleak.