The Saga Continues

In a recent convo with D & M (Best Friends), I brought up the issue of whether or not me & K look oversexed to them. I said I knew we weren't but I wanted to know if somehow we gave that impression.

The word itself meant to them what it meant to me - given the tone of voice & facial expression of the person who said it to me. It meant two people who are all about sex to the point where it's sordid & cheap & embarrassing to others.

You see, I know couples like that.

The answer was something like of course not! you guys are not oversexed, you're just mushy.

Great. I ask my best friends in the whole wide world if am an embarrassment to them & the answer is yes but not in the way you think.

Ok guys. Forget I said anything. Sorry I asked etc....

They both don't think we overdo the physical contact/public displays of affection - which is good - but they did give me some examples of our perceived mushiness/oversexedness around others:

1) We get caught looking at each other a lot.

Guilty as charged but surely it's not a crime to make eye-contact with your partner?

2) We speak in whispers. A couple who appear to have so many secrets are either oversexed or mushy.

We don't have secrets. It's just a mannerism. I am very soft-spoken by nature. In response, he's learnt to lower his voice to a whisper when he's addressing anything to me. It started out as a joke actually. I'd speak & he'd whisper back:"Why are we whispering?" or something stupid like that. He'd be making fun.

Then it got to be a habit. And now we always talk like that. We might be talking about whose turn it is to take out the garbage and we'd still whisper it to each other.

And people would think we're whispering sweet nothings or something dirty.:)


3) I do the day-dreaming & smiling to myself thing a lot when he's not around.

And people think that means I'm indulging in erotic fantasies about him? What dirty minds!

Actually, I do not have those types of fantasies anymore.

I have the occasional wet dream about Russell Crowe in Gladiator though. Which is weird because Crowe is fair & I am physically geared towards dark guys.

When I was in Europe, I kept dreaming of this guy I kept running into at the lift in my hotel. He was staying on my floor. When I first saw him, I thought what a good-looking man & then forgot about it as soon as he stepped out of the lift. But then he kept turning up in my most x-rated dreams. So the next time I ran into him I paid a little more attention.

This one is also weird. He was dark but very young. 24 or 25 at the most. I've never been attracted to younger guys.

And anyway, these are dreams. As in while I'm asleep. I don't really do waking fantasies. About anything. If I look faraway or preoccupied while I'm awake, am thinking about something that actually happened. Remembering - worrying more often than not -rather than fantasizing.

When I first saw K, I had a few weeks of very intense erotic dreams & fantasies. Day & night. I was very attracted to him. It didn't worry me much because as can be seen from the examples above, that sort of thing happens to me quite often. Usually it goes on for a while & then I get bored & it stops. It gets the guy out of my system. In K's case, I didn't really think I'd ever see him again so I didn't try to fight it. I told myself it was better to let it run its course. There wasn't anything emotional or hearts-and-flowers about it. It was pure sex.

The first time I picked up the phone & heard his voice, those fantasies/dreams stopped. I was up most of that night, analyzing & disecting the brief telephone conversation, kicking myself for being so rude & demanding to know where he got my number etc.. when I was infact happy that he remembered me, made the effort to get my number & called and of course, absolutely terrified that he'd never call back, wondering what I'd do then, would I call him & apologize? Then kicking myself again for wanting to start something when I knew I was leaving the country etc.....

From that point on, I was so overwhelmed by our relationship, the speed with which it was developing, my insecurities, my commitment-phobia, the choices I had to make, the fights, the wedding, etc.....that it seemed like there was no room for living in a fantasy world. Reality was too overwhelming.

And then there was the fact that our first kiss gave me more of a phsyical high than all the fantasies put together. I guess that when he became an actual part of my life, the fantasies lost their raison d'etre & just died of natural causes.

I told him all this one night during the honeymoon. A tactical error, I later came to realize. My husband is big-headed enough without being told things like that. Of course, he was intensely curious. He wanted to hear details of all my fantasies. I sat up all night struggling to remember everything for him because he took so much pleasure in them.

Now am going all nostalgic for the point in our relationship where I would openly say things like that to him.

These days if he comes home late, I pretend to be asleep so he won't think I have nothing better to do than wait up for him, or accuse me of trying to control him etc...I would never fall asleep before he came home. I'd be too worried. But I'd never tell him that. And I've trained myself not to call him without a very good excuse so it doesn't sound like I'm calling to find out where he is or to check on him.

I've been called obssessive, needy, neurotic so many times - both by him & by other people - that now every expression of emotion or vulnerability has to be carefully weighed because there are a hundred & one ways in which it can be misinterpreted & not really appreciated.

Now that I've thoroughly depressed myself, I'd better try to get to work.