Thursday, August 23, 2007

This is so not working

Me : I found a buyer for your bike.
Him: How much?
Me : x dhs.
Him: Eh eltahreeg da? (Is this a joke?)
Me : Ok, I'll look for someone else. There is time.
Him: Kalimi A from Harley Davidson(Call A from Harley Davidson). Howa hayi2oolik ti3mili eh.(He'll tell you what to do.)
Me : 7adir.(Ok)
Him: Wil3arabiya (And the car)? 3amalti fiha eh (what did you do about it)?
Me : Nothing. I haven't had time.
Him: You haven't had time wala mish 3arfa titsarafi (or you don't know how to go about it)?
Me : It can't be that hard to sell a car. It's not rocket science.
Him: Mish 3aib in elwa7id lama yib2a mish fahim yisa'al(There's nothing shameful about asking questions when you don't know how to do something).
Me : I'll manage.
Him: Ama nshoof.(We'll see.)
Me : If you don't trust me to get anything right...
Him: Is that what I'm saying?
Me : I don't know. Is that what you're saying?

***************************************************************************************


Him: Yinfa3 tib2i 3ayana wi nayma filmostashfa wi ma tfakarish ti2oolili(You've been in the hospital and you didn't think to tell me)?
Me : It was nothing. Just a bad case of PMS. I'm fine now.
Him: Your period? Aren't you late?
Me : Yeah. Late but not pregnant. Good news for you.
Him: Did I ask if you were pregnant?
Me : No, I thought I'd save you the trouble. I know how much you'd hate it if I was.
Him: Ana itasalt 3ashan atamin 3laiki washoof ma 2oltilish leh ma3 ini ana mkalimik imbari7 bil-lail(I called to see how you're doing & to ask why you didn't tell me). Wi ma kansh fi bali 7aga min illy inti btitkalimi fiha(I had nothing like that on my mind).
Me : La, itamin (Don't worry). I'm ok now. I didn't bother to tell you because what were you supposed to do? Rush to my bedside?
Him: Ya salam (Oh really?). Wishmi3na ya3ni 2olti lahlik(So how come you told your parents)? Did THEY rush to your bedside?
Me : My parents wouldn't accuse me of faking it to make them feel guilty.
Him: Tayeb(Ok). 3omooman salamtik(Anyway. Get well soon). Wib2i khali balik min nafsik (And take care of yourself).
Me : Allah yisalmak. Kolak zo2.(Thanks. Very nice of you.)
Him: 3ayza 7aga?(Anything else?)
Me : No, thanks.
Him: Bye.
Me : Bye.

***************************************************************************************

Me : Hello?
Him: Eh eldawsha di(What's this noise)? Inti fain(Where are you)?
Me : Saks.

Silence.

Me : What?
Him: Just wondering if there's any point in telling you I don't like you going out clubbing without me.
Me : Am not out clubbing.
Him: Omal bti3mili eh fi elSaks(So what are you doing there)? Bitsali elfagr(Praying)?
Me : K, am at the Royal Merdien for my uncle & my best friend's engagement party. A couple of friends asked me to walk in with them because it's Ladies Night at the Saks & they couldn't get in without dates. I came upstairs with them, stayed for 5 min and was on my way back to the party when you called. The last thing you have to worry about is me going out clubbing. Am not exactly in a party mood. If I didn't owe it to A (my uncle) & D (my friend), I would have stayed home tonight, too. Happy?
Him: And why aren't you in a party mood?
Me : Because you're not here.
Him: Listen, I'm sorry. Of course, you can go out & have fun with your friends. I don't expect you to lock yourself in the bedroom for 9 months.
Me : I was a bit confused. I mean, when you were here, I used to beg you to come with me & my friends & you wouldn't want to. How come now it's a problem if I go to the same places with the same people?
Him: I don't know. I guess I feel better when I know you can call me if you have any problem.
Me (smiling): Sure, I could call you but would you pick up?
Him: Mish kont lama bala2i elwa2t ita'akhar winti bara ba3adi 3laiki 3ashan 3ala ela2al nrawa7 sawa?(Didn't I always join you when it got late so we can at least go home together?)
Me : And that made you feel better?
Him: Gayez(Maybe). Ma ba7ibikish tirwa7i lwa7dik bil-lail(I don't like you going home on your own at night).
Me : Khalas. I promise I won't stay out late unless I have a lift home.
Him: Ya salam. A lift min meen ba2a (A lift with who)?
Me : Akid(For sure) someone you wouldn't be worried about.
Him: Thanks.
Me : No problem. If it really makes you feel better, it's a small thing.
Him: Merci ya 7abibi(Thanks baby). Yalla ana hakalim A. & D. 3ashan abarik lohom(I'll call A & D & congratulate them).
Me : Ok.
Him: Kalimini lama trawa7i (Call me when you get home).
Me : 7adir(Ok).

**************************************************************************************

Same night.

Me : Hello?
Him: Aiwa ya 7abibi. Inti filbait?(Yes baby. Are you home?)
Me : Aiwa.(Yes)
Him: 7amdilla 3ala elsalama ya basha.
Me : Yi3ayshak.(North African Long life Prayer.)
Him: Yah. Ba2ali kteer masmi3tahash yi3ayshak di.(He's saying he hasn't heard that in a long time)
Me : Wa7ashitak?(Did you miss it?)
Him: Awi.(A lot.)


Later.

Me : This conversation is rapidly approaching phone sex.
Him: So?
Me : So you know I don't like phone sex.
Him: Ishmi3na? (How come?)
Me : I don't know. It just doesn't do anything for me. There's no intimacy.
Him: When was the last time we were really intimate?
Me : Can't remember.
Him: But we still had sex. So what's the difference?
Me : I don't know. It just feels different.
Him: Mashi bra7tik(As you like). 3ayza 7aga?(Anything else?)
Me : You want to hang up?
Him: 7abibi, this is long distance. Meter's running.
Me : Meter's running and things aren't hot enough for you, are they?
Him: Meaning?
Me : Meaning you'd have been happy to pay for phone sex.
Him: Sometimes you really make me wonder why I even try with you anymore.
Me : K.....
Him: Please don't say anything more. Just hang up the phone.

***************************************************************************************

Him : You're getting involved in an awful lot of things.
Me : Well, now that am single again, I need to keep busy. Besides.....
Him : You're not single.
Me : What?
Him : You're not single. Inti sit mitgawiza(You're a married woman). Ana mish 3ayez elomoor takhtalit 3laiki(I don't want you getting confused about that).
Me : Why would you say something like that? What do you think am going to do? Go out speed-dating?
Him : No, I just think you enjoy making me feel like I'm out of your life every chance you get.
Me (crying) : I didn't mean anything. I was just trying to tell you about my day. I had you mixed up with someone who cares what I do with my time. And with someone who trusts me.
Him : Khalas, khalas(Ok, ok). Ana asif(I'm sorry).
Me : Tab3an(Of course). Ma inta mitzawij maghribiya(You're married to a Morrocan). Lazim tkoon khayif(You have to be worried). We're all prostitutes.
Him : Look, I said I was sorry. Just let it go, ok? Ir7amini ba2a 7aram 3laiki.

***************************************************************************************


Is it my fault or his? Which one of us isn't trying hard enough? I actually don't feel like calling him or picking up when he calls anymore. I find myself wishing he wouldn't call and cringing when he does.

I think about him every single waking moment. I think about him so much I can hardly do anything else anymore. I can only bear to talk to people if they're willing to listen to me go on & on about him all the time. Otherwise I'd rather be quiet & think about him. I have no other interests anymore. And I don't have the energy or the patience to bother pretending otherwise even for the sake of politeness.

The calls are getting less & less frequent. What happens if we lose touch? The way you gradually lose touch with friends who move away?

Is this what it feels like to be divorced?

Labels: ,

26 Comments:

Blogger Highlander said...

Hi Loulou, I've been reading your updates without commenting for the last months. But today I feel like saying something before things get really wrong.

Habibti, how much would it hurt you to 'pretend' you need his help? Just say yes how can I best sell the car and enjoy his chatter. K will soon calm down. The power really is in your hands don't let it slip, you are obviously very much in love don't loose that honey.

If you are writing so that we can be a sounding board for you then I hope you take what I' writing from the heart. You are strong, you are capable and you are educated and so is he, but xx and xy think a bit differently. Just think about how blessed you are that you found the love or your life, people don't have that. So he cannot be exclusively with you for the next nine months, make the best of the possible times and go visit him on holidays. He is worried about you but obviously he has additional responsibilities. A man who keeps that much responsibility means he won't let you down when you are old and wrinkled. So you went to hospital? call him and share it - tell him you miss him awfully but are happy that he is doing what he is doing. Tell him you will cope and you look forward to the holidays - 9 months will pass by soon 3azizti the smoother you make it the better- men are big children in the end you can make them happy and you can make them sad :)
Yalla Loulou I wish you all the best. I'm sure you will do just fine 'azma we ta3di inshallah!

8/23/2007 07:51:00 PM  
Blogger programmer craig said...

Is this what it feels like to be divorced?

No, but it's the way it feels when a marriage is in trouble, LouLou. That feeling that things are going horribly wrong, the (emotional) distance is too great, etc. Feeling like whatever you try to do to make things better isn't enough, or even makes things worse. Feeling like the other person isn't making enough effort, or doesn't care enough. That's what my marriage was like the last few years.

There isn't an easy way to fix things. But it's never too late. I recommend marriage counseling if you can do that. I know that isn't possible right now, but perhaps you can do some research online so you can at least try to understand what's really going on?

This website may be useful:

Emotional Abandonment: When Your Spouse Shuts You Out

It's part of a Christian ministry, but it doesn't talk about religion at all, and there's nothing specific to Christians there.

Is it my fault or his? Which one of us isn't trying hard enough?

It's nobody's fault. If one of you was cheating, then I'd say otherwise, but it sounds like you've just drifted apart and accumulated some resentments against each other. My only real advice would be to stop thinking in terms of who is to blame. If you are both trying to not be the bad guy, it won't get better. Just remember how much you love him, and try to relate to how he sees things if you can. If he does the same, it's very possible that this can be fixed :)

8/23/2007 10:15:00 PM  
Blogger N said...

how about trying to make things easier for him instead?
he is the one with the family issue after all, and when you are nice and supportive he'll have no reason to bicker...

i know long distance, and what you're doing isn't going to make things better...

8/24/2007 12:18:00 AM  
Blogger Jane said...

I think you are both suffering through this separation and both contributing to the problem you're having now. So neither and both are to blame. What you and K are going though is one of the toughest things a marriage can face. I believe you two can survive this but it won't be easy. Email me all you want about K, go on and on if you wish. I will read and listen. Just remember how much you love each other, remind yourself of why you fell for him. Send him love letters. You will get through this but it will take work. Too many people give up on each other simply because what was once fun and easy becomes harder and more effort. Ask yourself, are we having problems because we are not suited to each other or are we just hitting a time when more effort is required? There is a big difference. I sincerely think you two fall into the latter category. Best wishes.

8/24/2007 03:10:00 AM  
Blogger INDICAN said...

I don't think your marriage is in trouble. I just think you guys are going through a hard time. It is so obvious that you guys are very much in love and care immensely for each other. It might not be your intention, but it sounds like K just doesn't feel like he has your support. I think if you tried to be a little more careful about how you word things and try your hardest not to make him feel like you are intentionally trying to make him feel guilty for having to care for his father that things would be much better. I'm not saying that your are trying to make him feel guilty, but it sounds like that's how he feels and he's distancing himself a bit and a little resentful because of feeling that way. I think you have the power to make this 9 months go smoother. I know you feel abandoned, but you also know deep down that if K had it his way, he would not be away from you. Just stay strong and try to enjoy the times you do speak with him. You want to be his escape, not give him a reason to feel guilt ridden after each conversation with you.

8/24/2007 10:09:00 AM  
Blogger roora said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

8/25/2007 01:56:00 PM  
Blogger roora said...

Hi Loulou. I second Highlander. I know it is hard for you becaue I was reading from so long and I know how much you are conected to him

But mariage is also about supporting. He must be feeling bad as you do beause bec you are away from him.. But he has to. It is no choice for him and I actually respected the approach he took towards his dad.

He is not a selfish man, afterall
try to make things lessen on him and on your self by telling him that time will pass.. there will be holidays where you can meet and the nine months will be one day over soon ISA and you will be back together.

But dont let this situation to affct your marriage for ever for the sake of 9 months of patience.

Rabena m3aki

8/25/2007 01:59:00 PM  
Blogger Forsoothsayer said...

i'd have to agree with N here. i'm sure i've said before that i think your husband is a controlling chauvinist, but you're also a giant drama queen and big sulker (you know i love u tho). just try and be supportive and helpful and not accuse him of something at every turn. this is probably harder for him than you. this shit just sours a relationship.

8/25/2007 02:02:00 PM  
Blogger Zainab said...

first time commenter.

i see classic mistakes on both ends of this conversation. i think sometimes you might make comments that you know if get under his skin (now that i'm single again?) to get attention because you miss him. however, the attention you receive is NEGATIVE.

long distance is awful enough as it is, i've been doing it for years. try to lessen the load on yourselves. limit the phone calls to twice a week at most so you don't "dread the calls", maybe they're too frequent and only heighten the lonely feelings of seperatation.

i think you guys can pull through, you just have to work with eachother instead of against eachother. and you need to have an honest talk about how these phone calls are making you both feel.

good luck, i'll keep reading..

8/26/2007 12:12:00 PM  
Blogger Um Naief said...

i think what everyone is saying is right on.. but i would add that you should try less to make him feel guilty for something he has no control over. don't cry just because he says something that you don't like. sounds very controlling and manipulative. why give the impression that you're trying to do something like that.

i've lived in a long distance relationship before coming to bahrain. it's difficult, i know. i went thru some of the same stuff, so i'm saying from experience... it doesn't get easier, but harder when both ppl are trying and not getting anywhere.

be there for him...

8/28/2007 11:40:00 PM  
Blogger 2 B || ! 2 B ® said...

Loulou, i think N. is hitting the jackpot, take it easy and try to make it easy for you both, after-all it's a matter of time till everything is settling down again.

bas howa lih el magharba som3et_hom kida fee aya makan :) just kidding, rabina ma3akom...

8/29/2007 12:49:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Um Naeif,

"don't cry just because he says something that you don't like. sounds very controlling and manipulative."

Controlling & manipulative? Why do people assume that if you cry, it's because you're trying to elicit some kind of reaction from them? Crying is a personal loss of control - in this case, because that was about the millionth conversation to take a wrong turn & go horribly wrong since he left. I cried because I felt hopeless & couldn't take it anymore.

That's the root of the problem with him. He expects me to act totally overjoyed about every decision he makes. If am upset, then any expression of that he interprets as an attempt to make him guilty, emotionally blackmail him etc....

It's exactly the same about the pregnancy issue. If he catches me smiling at a baby at the supermarket, he thinks am trying to make him feel guilty.

Now if I tell him I miss him, I'm trying to make him feel guilty. If I say I'm sick, I'm faking it to make him feel guilty. But if I don't tell him when am feeling sick, he doesn't like that either. If I cry, he blows his top & starts yelling.

He only ever wants to hear that everything's great & am in a great mood all the time or he gets pissed. Well, I'm sorry but am NOT in a great mood all time!

And I'm just not used to being told what to feel and when to feel it. Trying to suppress my feelings to please him & act all bubbly when I feel wretched only leaves me walking around with a constant desire to scream - not just at him, at everyone.

8/29/2007 11:14:00 AM  
Blogger La Gitana said...

I know it's hard, trust me if you didn't have to be apart I'm sure EVERYONE would have told you to stay together, but the fact of the matter is that the only way you can survive this is to be a couple, and not enemies. Be honest with him when you're sick or upset, but make it clear that you're only upset because you miss him and love him and not to make him feel guilty for NOT being here but because only he can really understand what you're going through since he's your husband and just like you're trying to support him, you want him to support you.

That last conversation was just terrible, Loulou you did everything you could to divert from the actual issue and just try to accuse him of things. You didn't really wanna tell him about your day, you wanted to show him you had lots to do without him and then show him and then take a jab like, "now that I'm single"... ya3ni you could have said the same thing with "now that I don't have you to spend time with"

At any rate, maybe you should designate talking times, twice a day or once a day or whatever and stick to them and use your time to try and be as intimate as possible and support each other.

8/29/2007 02:27:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

loulou,
i have just lost the person i loved to death because i was thinking exactly the same as you. i thought i shouldn't fake being happy if i was really upset, and that he should support me in the same way i supported him, and i occasionaly lashed out verbally because i was so hurt. it got me nowhere,and i would give anything to go back and do the opposite. my partner had depression, which made it worse, because he couldn't cope with anything bad of his own let alone mine. K may be going through a depression of his own. all this sounds like everyone is telling you to forget what you're thinking and feeling, but you're not doing anything wrong. what it comes down to in the end is that you may lose him if it all continues, you have to change the path of where you're both going because k isn't strong enough to do it. it's a huge responsibility to fall upon your shoulders, but if you can do it and in 9 months time be back to normal it will so be worth all your efforts.

8/30/2007 05:19:00 AM  
Blogger Jane said...

Lou Lou,
I think la gitana has given you some great advice. There is no need to lie to K about what you are feeling or going through. But how you word your feeling is important. I've been reading your story for so long now and think you and K have a beautiful love story. However no love is without some struggle and tragedy. I think it would be a horrible mistake for you and K to give up on this relationship. I think you are so very suited to each other and can have a lasting marriage. This separation will not be easy but I have faith that you two can survive it. It is clear to me and to everyone else who reads your blog that your husband loves you deeply. Do not forget that.

8/30/2007 04:18:00 PM  
Blogger Will E. said...

Don't think i'll be adding much after all the comments.. I just would like to say that from your blog I can never really figure what K's character is like.. it's as if seeing him through your eyes brings him off distorted and I can't place how he's feeling.. is it because of your confusion or mine?

I'll have to agree with N and la gitana, the conversations are a mess of implicit messages from both sides.. you come off as high maintenance and he just can't do anything from a distance.. he's trying to find replacements to the physical solution which he has perfected.

You on the other hand are telling him a million things in a very let-me-get-under-your-skin manner, the accusations are your replacement for telling him what you really feel, it's your way of extracting some words that you want out of him which will never come. Try to express yourself rather than assume what he's thinking or feeling.. ask him how he feels and what he thinks but more importantly believe him.

8/31/2007 12:49:00 PM  
Blogger Um Naief said...

loulou,

wow.. i didn't realize or didn't get from you guys' conversation that it was to that extent.

i also didn't realize he was trying to control you so much and expecting you to suppress emotion... probably why you have such high emotions.... he wants none of it from you.

do you think it's an egyptian thing? my MIL is and when someone shows emotion or cries, her first response is "don't do that" and if you're sick, you're supposed to get up and never stay in bed.

i can tell things are really getting to you. he sounds like he's being a jerk, actually.

9/02/2007 03:53:00 PM  
Blogger Puppy said...

Um Naief,

very interesting point. With all respect to Egypt and egyptians i can say from what i know that egyptians very strangely replies to emotions.

Remember the response i got from egyptian when i told that my died died.

I think in international marriages its very important to learn the culture and mentality thing too.

9/02/2007 05:13:00 PM  
Blogger Puppy said...

LouLou,

its hard situation you are in, all i can say is wish you good luck and be strong.

Cheer up

Puppy.

9/02/2007 05:15:00 PM  
Blogger N said...

drop by my blog, i have a post up that might interest you

9/03/2007 12:42:00 AM  
Blogger Um Naief said...

loulou,

in thinking about you, i posted 3 poems i wrote back in 2003 when i was going thru the same thing as you are now.

sorry for using such hard words in my earlier post... i do it and don't even realize it.

i think, overall, guys can be so insensitive especially when it comes to their wives, which is something i've never understood. i know that my husband has his days, and i experienced some of the same carelessness nature/actions while i was staying in CA before heading to bahrain, and after his father said we couldn't get married...

anyway.. i was thinking about you... just be strong. be good to yourself... and forget about him for a bit... even tho you have so much to do. inshallah, things will fall into place.

9/03/2007 02:39:00 PM  
Blogger Muslimah said...

"It's exactly the same about the pregnancy issue. If he catches me smiling at a baby at the supermarket, he thinks am trying to make him feel guilty.

Now if I tell him I miss him, I'm trying to make him feel guilty. If I say I'm sick, I'm faking it to make him feel guilty. But if I don't tell him when am feeling sick, he doesn't like that either. If I cry, he blows his top & starts yelling."


you know LouLou, I really suggest you read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. IT says in there when women talk to men to make themselves feel better, men think they're blaming them and start getting all defensive. That's what is happening dont you see? You tell K you're lonely, he feels like your blaming him and takes out his weapon! Read the book, it will help you gain an insight!

9/04/2007 06:20:00 PM  
Blogger SaRaH said...

Bossie ya Loulou I think you should lower your gaurd with him why do I feel you are always on your toes when you are with him. It is okay to be safe and stop think so hard with your husband who you obvously love and who I can tell loves you back. Just speak your heart and try to be honest enough nobody loves someone so much and dont make things work.
It will work god willing dear just let yourself go and things will be good

9/06/2007 01:54:00 PM  
Blogger The Sandmonkey said...

Ahh..back again, back again, Jiggity Jig...
I can't believe my first comment to you in a long long time is gonna be this, especially that the last comment I gave you was back at the miscarriage issue. Long time, yet I am still here, and still invested in the Loulou show. But I have to tell you my dear that the new direction the K character is taking, is , well, not pleasing me at all.

Remember, the last time I gave you some slightly tough words regarding how you were treating him back at the miscarriage issue. Now, I am afraid, it's his turn. Babe, with no offense intended, your hubby needs to grow the fuck up.

Ok, so his little egyptian chauvinistic protective touches were slightly cute despite their disturbing nature. His "ya3ny eih ya hanem" and stuff. I was always surprised whenever you mentioned he grew up in Sweden, because he is 100% egyptian with all of the benefits and manufacturing flaws. But lately, well, he is just slightly losing it.

I can under he is under a lot of pressure because of his father. This I get. I don't get why you have to sell everything and leave though. It never made sense to me, especially if it's supposed to be a temporary thing. But whatever, you guys agreed to this and its your business. However, with all due respect to his family crisis, he is acting like a jackass.
This may not be easy on him, but it must be hell for you. I mean you are the one who has to sacrifice her husbend and her life and everything she was used to, even to the point where her family expects her to move back to Morocco, and be supportive of him while doing so. And if that's not hard enough, he is giving you shit. He doesn;t give you credit, he belittles you, he shows signs of mistrust to you and your intentions. He says he doesn;t like you going clubbing and when called on it he switches 180 degrees and says "oh no, i never said u can;t go out with ur friends". This is bullshit. This is emotional ping pong. This is misery at its best, and it seems to have found a company to stick to.

You need to talk to him. You need to tell him that he has to stop. That he needs to re-asses the situation. That while you are being udnerstanding and supportive to the fact that he needs to be there for his family to the degree that has to give you up for a while, he should do the same and be understanding and supportive to the misery you are in without him. That you are suddenly alone, that you can't be with him even though you want, that you can;t get mad at him because he has a good reason to leave and you have to support him which frustrates you even more, and yes, maybe the loss of sex for 9 months might not be exactly making you jump and dance from joy. But that through out it all you are dealing with it, and that even if he doesn't like it or want to, he should be sweeter, and equally supportive, cause you are not exactly going through a pleasant time either.

You don't need his help. You need his trust. You don;t need his marching orders. You need his understanding. You don't need someone who tells you how frustrating he finds you. You need someone who tells you how frustrating he finds this whole situation and that the only thing keeping him going is the love you two share and the thought of how it will be like to be with you again after all of this is over. Bass kedah..

Call him, and tell him that. That this is difficult enough as it is, and there is no need to make it more miserable than it has to be. This isn't divorce. This is people putting eachother through shit because they are both in a miserable situation that's not of their choosing. You have a good thing here, don't let the self destructive forces of unnecessary drama and misery ruin it.

Again, no offense intended at your hubby. Ben7eb ne2aked 3ala el no2tah dih bas 3alashan el mawdoo3 7assas.

Best of luck either way!

9/08/2007 03:58:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

SM,

It's great to see you back.

Thanks for taking my side. It's interesting that the controlling/chauvinism angle seems to have registered only with you and Forsooth. I stopped using the C word about him a long time ago because everytime I tried, I'd get a dozen Egyptian female friends/acquaintances telling me how lucky I am to have found an Egyptian man who doesn't expect me to sit at home dressed in hijab & not breathe without permission or ever speak to another man. I am told K is as good as Egyptian men get & higher standards cannot be reasonably expected of Egyptian men.

I don't think it's just chauvinism in his case though. Having seen him around his family, I'd say he's just too used to telling people - male or female - what to do and being listened to.

It's not done out of selfishness - because he is capable of acts of great unselfishness - like putting his marriage & his career on hold to care for a sick family member. He can be very generous. But deep down inside, he really doesn't trust anyone's judgement as much as his own. He hates having to delegate because he doesn't believe anyone can get things done as well as he can.

Hence, the attitude that am a stupid woman who doesn't recognize the value of an automobile & is just going to give his car & his bike away for free. He'll never be pleased with how I resolve this. No matter what price I manage to get for them, he'll always believe he could have done better.

And yeah, he's got no problem with me going out clubbing if he's in town because then he knows what time I left & what time I come back, what I was wearing etc... & he has the option - even if he doesn't always choose to exercise it - of dropping by anytime. Am never 100% sure if he's going to join me & neither is anyone I hang out with. The result is that we all behave as if he's there because we're expecting him every min.

It doesn't make any difference to me because it's not like I'm ever out doing anything I don't want him to see. But it makes a difference in the way some other guys tend to behave around me. And it makes a difference to him, I guess. It makes him feel like he has some control - remote control -over the situation.

He doesn't like me going out on the town outside the scope of this control, period. The reason he backtracked is because I answered him by bringing up my feelings about his not being there which is taboo as far as he's concerned. He doesn't want to hear it. So it was a case of do what you want and even though I might hate it, I'll never hate it as much as having to deal with your seperation anxiety. Give me anything. Just don't give me feelings.

He'll try to get his way on the clubbing issue another time, another way, when he believes circumstances are more favorable to his position. He won't forget it. It was just a tactical retreat.

That's why that conversation ranks among the top 10 worst convos ever. That's the type of emotional rejection that hurts me more than anything. And it's what I've had to deal with again & again over the last 2 months or so.

He's very big on control, is my husband. I'm starting to see that one of the reasons why this present situation is so frustrating for him is that circumstances have made it geographically impossible for him to be in control of his family situation & of our marriage at the same time. He's had to give up control of one side of the equation.

Time & events tend to bring you greater understanding of your partner. Sometimes more than you want.

I alternate between violent withdrawal symptoms because he's not here & anger at him for refusing to recognize my feelings or that I have a right to them because they're not convenient for him to deal with right now.

9/09/2007 06:27:00 PM  
Blogger Jane said...

Lou Lou,
So interesting to see your response to Sandmonkey's comment. It made me think perhaps I did not see the controlling/chauvinism issue because it is what I am also accustomed to in my own relationship. Jd and I make decisions together but really he has final say on most everything. It is not a position I would have ever imagined myself in and I never even realized it until just now. Maybe that is why most of the comments from women missed that angle. Maybe many of us are in the same place.

9/11/2007 04:44:00 AM  

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