Sunday, September 09, 2007

The Difference

1) Movie-buff am not. Always hated TV. Am too restless. Doesn't matter how great a movie is, I just don't have the attention span or the patience to sit still for that long.

As for sports? Are you kidding?!! If I liked ANY sport that much I'd be out there playing it!

He loves TV. All kinds. Hence, the TV war when we first got married. I fought hard against having a TV set in the bedroom. I was insulted that he'd suggested. Didn't he find ME entertaining enough? What about our quality time? I accused him of wanting it there only to avoid having to talk to me etc.....

He gave in at first. But then after I moved in, he'd be watching TV or DVD's in the living room & I'd be somewhere around him. Am not very good at not being somewhere around him really. I sort of gravitate. It's compulsive.

Slowly but surely, I started to get hooked on TV. The habit sneaked up on me.

With time, the TV did invade our bedroom. I bought it actually. A huge LCD screen. It was repayment for money he'd lent me & then refused to let me pay back. So I waited a while & then went out & bought something I knew he'd love. He was so surprised to see it hanging on the bedroom wall that I don't think he ever did the math or figured out why I bought it.

He saw it as a huge concession on my side , given my previous feelings on the subject. And he was very appreciative. But the thing is, it wasn't much of a concession really because I didn't mind. By that time, I enjoyed watching TV in bed as much as anyone.

I thought I was well & truly converted but guess what? Last night, I went out to watch a movie with friends. And I counted the following:

** I went outside for a smoke a total of 8 times.
** I went out to get things from my car which eventually turned out to be in my handbag 3 times.
** I went to the bathroom 2 times - once to put on make up & once to wash it off.
** I went out to make or take calls - a total of 4 times.
** I went out to get snacks from the lobby - 3 times.

It's a throwback to the days when - everytime my friends would succeed in dragging me - kicking & screaming - to the movies, they'd always place me on an aisle seat as close as possible to the exit. Otherwise, people would start complaining that I jump around too much & am distracting them and I'd wind up getting us all kicked out.

The two TV sets at home are now as silent as death. I can't do TV anymore. I can tolerate them for 5 min max. Just long enough to catch a glimpse of the headlines. I can't even leave them on while I do something else. The background noise drives me nuts.

I guess what I had really learnt to enjoy was watching HIM have fun, the running commentary he'd keep up to make me laugh when we watched things together, the way I'd always end up laughing even if I started out revolted or crying my heart out, the arguments & discussions we'd have about things before & after, the shared jokes we'd have about them etc...

But other than that, I haven't changed really. The show still can't hold my attention. It's been him all along. He really can't help holding my attention whatever he does. Even when he doesn't particularly want to.

2) Was never a morning person. But once I had him to wake up with, the morning routine changed.

I loved thinking up new ways to disturb him. And I loved how well he took it when I disturbed him. Oh, he always moaned & complained that I was a jealous witch who was begrudging him the extra hours he could sleep in the morning because I had to get up so early myself etc....

But he wouldn't sound very convincing & he always did everything he could to make me late for work i.e. keep me around to disturb him for as long as possible.

He was the reason I'd leave home every morning a little late but laughing to myself like an idiot & walk into the office ready to hug everyone good morning.

Now am the morning grouch again. Don't even speak to me or expect me to utter a word in response to anything you say before at least half an hour & 2 mugs of black coffee. Am not safe!


3) I never liked watching him with some of his friends. The fact that he could be so close to - and get along so well with - people I just can't begin to like or understand or get along with would make me feel left out.

Now when I run into these same friends out & about, I can't look because he's not with them. I keep my back to them & imagine that he's out there behind me, that he's just busy with his friends, that later, he'll be coming home to me.

Sometimes I can almost hear his voice & his laugh coming from behind me.

(I always had this heightened sensitivity to his voice anyway. In a crowded room, with the two of us involved in conversation with different people, am only half-listening to whoever am talking to. Half of my mind is tuned in to what he's saying. It irritates me sometimes when am trying to concentrate on something else. I want to ask him to keep quiet so I can listen to what I need to listen to.)

And I want that so much, I start thinking please let him be with them. I don't care if they corrupt him. I'd rather have him sitting there stoned blind drunk with some slut on his lap then not have him there at all. I don't care anymore. I don't care about any of the things I thought I cared about before.

Last time it happened, I found myself trying to imagine what he'd say if I told him that. And I knew. He'd get all embarrassed & say something flippant like if he'd known I'd feel that way about things, he'd have gone away sooner. He'd do everything he can to provoke me out of the mushy mood which intimidates him so much. And then once my mood changed and I snapped out of the mushiness, the relief in his voice would be clearly audible.

Thinking of his reaction made me smile but then I missed him so much I had to get up & go to the Ladies. And hide in a cubicle until I was fit to be seen in public again.

My friends say am acting like he died. They say it's only 9 months, one month already gone. And they're right. The thought that it's temporary, that there's light at the end of the tunnel does help sometimes.

But there are times when I want him like right now. And I don't care about tomorrow.

And then 9 months feels like never.

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4 Comments:

Blogger Puppy said...

LouLou,

What if you will devide this 9 months period in few sub periods? You are going to visit him during this 9m right, with tourist visa?

And what you say its so true, that with time habbits of ppl we love become ours, we are like being influenced.

I wish that the time pass quicker for you, and try to be more time with friends, with whom you are meeting alone, not with K. And think of deviding 9m into small periods, milestones.

Take care and best of luck.

Puppy.

PS: I wanted to invite you to my blog what is ur address?

9/09/2007 04:05:00 PM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Puppy,

Thank you.

You can reach me at renderingofme@yahoo.com.

9/10/2007 12:04:00 PM  
Blogger Safiya said...

Salaam Alaikum,

Mr Outlines has gone away too, but for work reasons.

It's not so bad, because we see each other most weekends, but still, I miss him so much and we'll be apart until I get work, so I don't know how long this will last for.

Insha Allah time always passes. Try and visit him at regular intervals to break up the time into managable amounts.

Also, next time he really annoys you, try and see the good in his behaviour. Sometimes things are just a matter of perspective.

You are in my du'as

Safiya

9/10/2007 02:18:00 PM  
Blogger Ema said...

hello, it's my 1st comment on your blog, although i'm a regular reader of it so you can say i'm pretty updated with your story.

All i want to say is that i've been in this situation about 5 months ago and i really know how you are feeling right now.

The loneliness ,pain and the empty hole in you're heart.

all those things are unbearable.

what i did was get involved in long term programs and activites which might sound lame but it really worked for me.

i know it when you say you want him like RIGHT NOW!! yeah you can say so.

Sometimes i feel stupid just because i talk to him when he isn't there to hear just to imagine his reaction, and sometimes it ends up to be a whole conversation, but i enjoyed it like for few moments before i come back to the reality that he is far away from me.

the point is keep putting plans for stuff you want to do with him when he comes here, anything even lame things. this will help you counting the days till he comes you never know you might end up thinking (OMG i can't finish prepering this or that before he comes home) :D

salams and hope you will get better soon

love ema

9/14/2007 01:28:00 AM  

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