Controlling
It seems a long time since I posted this. Almost 3 years ago.
I did know it all along. But it didn't stop me falling in love with him. Should it have?
posted by LouLou @ 4:55 PM
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11 Comments:
being responsible and decisive, and being controlling, are two very, very different things
Not really. In action, they are the same. It's just the intention that is different. The question is are you taking charge of a situation because you feel responsible and protective of others or do you just want others to do your bidding for your own personal convenience?
He doesn't like me going out clubbing because if I'm a familiar face at the clubs, it sends a signal that I'm easy and available and I get the wrong kind of attention. Same reason why my parents don't like it. And my brothers don't like it. And my best friends counsel against it. And virtually every man I've ever been involved with was not completely comfortable with it.
So does this mean they're all controlling? No, they're just concerned. In the end I thanked them for their advice and I kept on doing it. I know the risks but I feel safe in this country and feel I can take care of myself. They would all prefer that I don't take the risks. Difference of opinion. It happens.
So when I got married and my husband didn't like it, how could I hold it against him? It's what I was used to from everyone else. I just kept on doing it in the hope that like everyone else, he'll learn to live with it. And he did. We got to the point when I'll be out on the town and he'll either join me or pick me up when I'm done and everything will be fine. And rather than hold it against him, I appreciated the fact that he was putting up with something he wasn't comfortable with because it made me happy.
But like my brother or my mother, if I happen to come home late from a club on a night when they're already in a bad mood because of something else, then we have a fight about it.
And so he was in a bad mood because of something else. To me, the something else is cause for concern more than the dislike of clubbing because one is a variable while the other is nothing new - an underlying constant I've always been aware of.
I'm going to have to agree with kirthan ston kosmo xenoi about decisive being different from controlling. I think you can control someone without being decisive about it..
In any case, in that conversation I felt that I was 'Him' in the conversation, not because I'm that controlling, but I am opinionated in the same way sometimes. He was actually very cool about it it seems, he didn't try to defend his point of view.
"it sends a signal that I'm easy and available and I get the wrong kind of attention"
Maybe it does, but honestly, your parents raised you, your family knows who you are, they should trust who they raised and how they did it. Them, having done a good job, shows. Then at some point khalass, you are a person of your own, you get to decide alone how you will handle yourself. I mean how much do you respect yourself and your job as a parent at the point when you fear your daughter behaves as a sl*t?! As for K -and for any boyfriend/husband/fiancé for that matter- I partly understand why he would not like it, but then again, why should he care about anybody looking at you or making a pass (not talking about extremes, like grabbing you a$$ or sth, okay)? People look, people will always look at other attractive people. Mathalan, I am a very, very jealous person, ya3ni i get those damn bites in my stomach when I see girls fixing their eyes on my boy, bass khalass I smile and tease him, ALL i REALLY care about is what HE does! People can look all they want, what are you gonna do, get locked bil beit or rip their eyes out?! I trust who I chose to have beside me as a life partner or simple relationship, that he will never give ground for anything else to develop. I care about what happens, and not about what shows. Or at least, the first a whooole lot more than the second.
"just kept on doing it in the hope that like everyone else, he'll learn to live with it. And he did. We got to the point when I'll be out on the town and he'll either join me or pick me up when I'm done and everything will be fine. And rather than hold it against him, I appreciated the fact that he was putting up with something he wasn't comfortable with because it made me happy"
And that's really precious, but that "This has got to stop" comment of his was simply impossible.
But if you can be understanding in the terms of a tough emotional period he's going through, yallah :)
Once more: You are one of the most patient ppl I have ever come across
"Not really. In action, they are the same."
At all. The one violates your space, the other not :)
Marina
Am I patient or just in love? He's my baby and he's hurting. It's hard to ignore that and focus on how he once talked to me and didn't say please and thank you.
"At all. The one violates your space, the other not :)"
In marriage you can't make that distinction. Because it's so difficult to seperate his space and your space. Every decision he makes within his space affects you on some level. So I don't see how he can be decisive and not violate my space.
Don't get me wrong. My husband IS controlling sometimes. Out of habit because he's been making decisions for other people for so long that it is now almost unconscious and automatic with him. He does it without thinking sometimes.
Those are the times when I refuse to engage and simply do what I think is right. And generally, once he's had time to think and see that he's being unreasonable, he's pretty good about conceding and trying to make it up to me.
But we also have a different sort of clash born out of the fact that it is so easy for him to make decisions while it is so difficult for me. Sometimes there is need for action and he just doesn't think he has the time to wait indefinitely for my input.
Like when he made the instant decision to relocate. Now I know it's the right decision - because I've seen the way some of the siblings behave and I can see that he's right. They can be very unreliable.
But it took me 8 or 9 months to reach this conclusion. He didn't think he had 8 or 9 months. He didn't want to take chances with his parent's well-being.
So he made what I now see was the decisive responsible choice and boy did it violate my space. It turned my life upside down.
I generally do not agree -at least I think I don't, I can't remember where we started from anymore!!!- with that kind of behaviour, even if it comes to surface from time to time, even if excused, even if while being in love, but girl you make it SO hard to not understand you! Totally schizophrenic feeling, I'm tellin' you! :D
Marina xx
I think we look at the issue from different directions. To me it's not about agreeing or disagreeing with his behavior. K and I are opposites in so many ways.
I find him high-handed, inflexible and too reserved emotionally. He finds me neurotic, obssessive, high-maintenance and overemotional.
We're not together because we're similar or agree with every aspect of each other's behavior. We're together because for better or for worse we're in love and as much as we struggle when we're together, we struggle a lot worse when we're not.
And love is about acceptance and compromise, not about expecting your partner to simply offload lifelong personality traits because you don't agree with them. That's not realistic.
Akid, I know all these things ya Lou, do I really sound THAT superficial as to make you think I have no clue?! :D Tayyeb inti super patient AND in love, mnee7 heik??? :D
Bossat ya 7abibte :)
marina
I didn't mean that. Half my friends have taken your view sometimes when they've seen some of the things he says or does.
At other times, they say poor guy allah yisa3do you're crazy.:)
Even me. I mean you caught me at a time when I wasn't mad at him. I feel I understand him now. I don't always.
But tomorrow he could do or say something to trigger me off and I'll be screaming that I hate him and if he was 'ragel' he would divorce me. I'm not always as patient and understanding as I tried to be here. Just keep reading.:)
I'm not new around, I've been reading you for over a year now ;)
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