My Turn
Him: I worry you a lot don't I?
Me : Lots of things worry me.
Him: Damn.And I thought I was special.
Me : You are very special. But not in that particular way.
Him: What do you worry about most? Come on. One-word answer.
Me : One-word answer? Responsiblity.
Him: Responsibility?
Me : Yes. Being responsible for someone else's happiness indefinitely.
Him: Am I so difficult?
Me : In some ways.
Him: Name one.
Me : You like having your own way too much.
Him: Ouch. You think I'm selfish?
Me : No. Not at all. You're self-confident & decisive. Unlike me. It's part of what attracts me to you. But self-confident, decisive people are sometimes inflexible. You don't really trust anyone's judgement but your own do you?
Him: If I seem to make decisions for you sometimes it's only because you suffer so much with them I just try to spare you. You said it yourself. You don't like responsibility.
Me : Didn't say that I didn't like it, K. Am not irresponsible. All I said was that I think twice before taking on new responsibilities. Like to be sure I can handle them. Doesn't mean that once I take them on I want you to shoulder them on your own & not consult with me.
Him: Are we talking about something specific here or is this just Psychology 101?
Me : Was just answering your question. But since you ask I can actually give you specifics.
Him: Please don't stop there.
Me : Well it's not just me you don't consult, is it? You don't consult with your family about anything you plan to do - like get married. You decide then you tell them your decision. And they accept that without question - which means inta m3awidhum 3ala kida.
Him: Ma3laish bas I think I'm old enough to get married without parental guidance.
Me : Me, too. But I do want my parents to be happy and to like you. But you, you just pick up the phone and tell them our plans and expect them to jump on a flight. And they do. What takes me weeks to accomplish takes you 5 minutes.
Him: Choosing my own life partner is being inflexible?
Me : That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that most people would be more anxious about whether their family or close friends like their partner. And it's not an issue for you at all.
Him: Tayeb. Moving on....There's more isn't there?
Me : Remember when we were talking about that car you wanted to buy? And A. said what's the point in giving you advice you always do what you want in the end? I mean A. is a mechanical engineer. If my best friend was a mechanical engineer I'd listen to his advice about cars.
Him: Anything else?
Me : Yes. Remember when we had that conversation about religion?
Him: Yes.
Me : Well you said you didn't like the fact that I was reading so much about religion because you thought I was referring too much to the interpretations of others. Yes, I'm interested in how other people cope with the questions that are bothering me. But you - the only knowledge you really accept from others is the facts. Nothing that requires personal judgement or interpretation. You think you know best.
Him: Wi eh kaman?
Me : La 7aram yikfi. Ana khalast.
Him: You know there might be some truth in what you say but you make it sound very negative.
Me : Am sorry. Me & my big mouth.You know criticism is what I do best. And you did ask.
Him: Ok then I guess I got more than I bargained for.
Me : 7abibi mashallah you're a very intelligent, successful person. And now that I'm getting to know your family life better I see that you're used to people depending on you. All of which I really respect. I mean it. You know I love you. You're my hero.
Him: Aiwa yakhti sala7i. Manti ti'itili elateel wi timshi fi ganaztu. Give me more. If you're quite done shrinking my ego that is.
Me : Oh am not worried about your ego. If I shrink it min hina lilsub7 it'll just come down to about normal size.
Him: You're a hard woman.
Me : No I'm a woman who cares about you. No one is always right. Sometimes others see things you don't. And if you insist on taking charge of everything then you might get to a point where you overburden yourself & that's not good for your or anyone else.
Him: You think I carry too much on my shoulders?
Me : Well they're pretty impressive shoulders but still. Mish tiftiri ya3ni.
Him(laughing): Nice one but you still haven't even started to make it up to me.
Me : Do I need to make it up? Are we fighting?
Him: So far a one-sided fight.
Me : Ok in the interests of fair-play you get to criticize me in a minute. But before I make it up to you you promise to think about what I said?
Him: I think about everything you say.
Me : This is one of those conversations you don't like, no?
Him: I like conversation to be about specifics. Tell me I didn't like it when you did X or Y and I'll see what I can do about it. I just think it's more effective communication than all the psychoanalysis.
Me : Ok your turn now. What worries you about me most? Give me specifics since they're your thing. I don't mind.
posted by LouLou @ 10:17 PM
15 Comments:
Oh, you'r good at poking close people with your criticism. Your Virgo side I guess.
I think he's right though, it is pointless (but that's your way of getting your worries off your head). Its not like he'll think about it, then he'll change. Talking specifics might be more practical.
Dont expect him to pouuuf, change in an instance. I would say stop criticzing him after the act is done. Tell him or point to whatever u dont like when he is en train de doing so....
good for you ya Loulou that you are discussing your worries with him from now, it shows that you feel at ease in telling him what is inside you.
But my advice to you if any , Don't do it frequently because at a certain point it will be more like complaining.
Right about people who are too confident are hard to accept others' points of views, what is K's Horoscope ?
Good luck we Rabena m3aki
Mohamed,
"Its not like he'll think about it, then he'll change."
Guess you don't believe in the power of love do you?
I think as a first step I should just air my concerns & see if I'm important enough for him to make an effort. If it turns out that I don't have that much influence & I get over the blow then I'll think what to do next.
It was just something that has been bothering me for a while. Been wondering how to bring it up. Couldn't pass up the chance when it came.
Am actually a bit disappointed that he declined to take his turn i.e. to criticize me. Would have loved to hear him analyze me even in a negative way.
haal,
"Dont expect him to pouuuf, change in an instance..."
Don't expect a complete change but at least there should be some improvement no?
roora,
"Right about people who are too confident are hard to accept others' points of views, what is K's Horoscope ?"
He's a Taurus.
"Guess you don't believe in the power of love do you?"
No I don't.
Well call me naive Mohamed(you already have) but I don't think it's realistic to expect to be in a relationship & behave as if you're still alone & not accomodate your partner in anything.
Loulou,
"see if I'm important enough for him to make an effort. If it turns out that I don't have that much influence & I get over the blow then I'll think what to do next."
I wonder what were you going to do ? Do you mean his effort to change ? or the real change?
roora,
"I wonder what were you going to do ?"
Wallah mana 3arfa ya roora. Haven't thought about it yet.
"Do you mean his effort to change ? or the real change?"
Just want to see that he's trying to be more flexible with me. Not 100% change but at least something.
I was asking because mentally thinking, we may be decisive like he is good and flexible or not but now after you love him that much , do we have still the power ?
"we may be decisive like he is good and flexible or not but now after you love him that much , do we have still the power ?"
Well he says he loves me too.
"I don't think it's realistic to expect to be in a relationship & behave as if you're still alone & not accomodate your partner in anything."
Lou, that's not called power of love, that's accomodating your partner. And that's very different than changing for your partner.
Let's reverse this; say he doesn't like the fact that you worry so much, so he criticizes you for it and asks you that you should let it out right away and not keep broiling it in your head (which he did btw). Would you do it? Well, you'd like to, but regardless ba'a how much you love him, will you be able to change? I would say ofcourse not, you just can't stop worrying.
Imagine ba'a kaman if you don't see that worrying is a problem, and you like yourself that way.
"Lou, that's not called power of love, that's accomodating your partner."
Accomodating your partner is changing to an extent. It's changing your behavior - adjusting to the relationship. I just call it the power of love because I think that if there's no love neither side would bother.
No I can't stop worrying but one way or the other I have to stop my worrying from escalating to the kind of flip-out I had last Thurs. Not only because he doesn't like it. Because I realized that he doesn't take me seriously when I act like that & I can't afford for him to get used to not taking me seriously. He's aslan very difficult to impress with anyone else's judgement & ma 7addish mali 3ainu. If he loses respect for my intelligence he's going to walk all over me. So like Sharief said I have to do whatever it takes to keep from flipping out like that.
Similarly when he comes & tells me he's made arrangements for something that affects both of us I tend to not want to complain because I see that he's already gone to some trouble. So far he hasn't made any decisions I really disliked. But after it happened a few times this pattern is starting to worry me. So I thought I'd mention it. I don't think he realized he was doing it. He was just being himself & probably didn't think it would bother anyone. Hopefully next time something comes up he'll think to himself that maybe he should tell me before he takes any steps. That would be a start.
We both have to adjust & be willing to meet half-way no?
I agree with Loulou , still there is a mid way they can meet ,
It depends on how much you love the person will be your effort in trying to change even if it didn't succeed but still important for the other partner to feel that he/she is trying
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