Friday, August 19, 2005

Rambling

Very, very tired. Exhausted infact. But too hyper & too excited to sleep.

We're trying to get married now. Notice the word trying. Why trying? It should be simple enough. Two responsible, consenting adults should be able to get married when they want to right?Wrong. WHEN being the operative word here. It can't be when you want. It has its own pace & isn't about to be hurried.

My parents say they're very happy & pleased to hear about K. & of course there is nothing they like better than to see me happily settled down etc...But they won't even see him unless he brings his family. Tried to explain that his parents live in Sweden so neighborly visits might be a little difficult here. But no way. Mom says we have to know who he is. Confused I ask if they want to know who he is why won't they at least meet him?She explains that this is because they won't know who he is unless they see his family too. Huh?

K. is pretty pissed off about that. Kept saying that he's not a child & it's not a PTA meeting to be asked to bring a parent & that he can't have his parents flying back & forth all the time. He thinks everything should be settled first & then his parents should just come for the wedding.

Was terrified he was going to dig in his heels about this. Like the true Taurean he is if he digs in his heels I'd have no choice but to commit suicide by hara kiri. Then they'd all be sorry for the way am caught in the middle.

But we got past that. He spoke with his parents & they convinced him that it's only natural that the girl's family want to know what kind of family he comes from before the wedding when it will be too late really. Was pretty impressed at this outcome because I couldn't talk any sense into him myself. But I guess they're his parents so they would know what to do with him.

Unfortunately however there are practical difficulties. His parents just came back from holiday in Egypt so neither one of them can get away from their jobs before Christmas. So basically nothing can happen & the process cannot even start before my parents leave here.

Now I regret not having let the formalities start AGES ago. If I had realized it would be so complicated we could have started them & we would have had YEARS to get to know each other before they completed if this rate is anything to go by.

Now that I managed to reach a decision that we should get married I can't STAND being made to wait. It's nerve-racking. Just wanted to get it over with. Just jump right into it. Having all this time will just mean more time to worry. It's like when you've shut your eyes tight & made up your mind to jump into the pool & then someone says hold on we still have to fill the pool. So what happens while you're waiting for them to fill the pool?You start to lose your nerve.

This morning I woke up & had a horrible fight with my sister L. Complete with screaming match & throwing things at each other. Then I had a crying fit closely followed by a panic attack about motherhood. I think I would make a terrible mother. Can't even get along with my little sister.

Have never been good with kids once they get past being cute little babies who don't talk back or have chips on their shoulders. I think on average I give them until about age 8 or 9. Then I start to find them really obnoxious & lose interest in them.

So I called K. & I told him that we can't get married because I can't possibly have adolescent children in MY LIFE & I HATE adolescents & pre-adolescents and if we get married all our kids will turn out to be sociopathic drug-dealers & prostitutes because am sure am going to abuse them. How can I possibly not abuse them when I hate them so much?

He said you're rambling. So I hung up on him. So he called right back & said am I allowed to ask what brought this on?I said no I hate you. So he said ok & he hung up. Had another crying fit.

Then I got dressed to go out & my Mom said don't go out in public with your face like that. She meant because my face was all puffed up & swollen from crying. And then I got a lecture about how this was not the way to deal with my little sister wana elkibeera etc....Exactly what I needed to hear.

So I went back in my room, washed my face & then tried to go out again & Mom asked me where I was going. I told her to see K. Don't know why I said that. Wasn't going out to see him. Wasn't even speaking to him. Just said it to be difficult I guess. Because I knew it would upset her. But she didn't choose to rise to the bait. One dirty look & then she gave me her back & ignored me.

Walked to the nearest cafe & sat by myself for 2 hrs, staring into space & having just about every coffee they had on the menu. Then I wanted a cigarette & reached for my bag only to realize that I forgot it. So I had no money & credit cards on me. No car keys & no house keys too. Just my cellphone which I was carrying my hand. Called K. & told him where I was & that I had no money. He said ok he's coming. Before he came I went into the bathroom & threw up all the coffee.

Of course when he did come he picked up the cheque & stared at me like I'd gone mad. Then he asked did you drink all this coffee by yourself?I said yes. He said did you eat anything?I said no I was feeling too sick. He said I'd feel better if I eat. Was too tired to argue. So he ordered a salad for me. And I did feel better.
Told him I wanted to go home now so he took me home.

Took him out to dinner tonight to apologize. It's getting to be a vicious circle this fighting & then taking him out to dinner. Except he wasn't really mad at me this time. He was making fun of me all evening. Don't know which is worse.

Earlier I bought my Mom a box of chocolates to apologize(story of my life). Good thing is you can always bribe my Mom with chocolate. She's so cute.

But still haven't been near L. We're ignoring each other for this lifetime.

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22 Comments:

Blogger Twosret said...

Loulou,

I think you need to pray and take a break and do any activity that might help you to distress (massage, swimming etc...). If all fails ask your family especially your mom and sister to help you through this stressful phase.

K.'s parents are very very important in this process. I think you marry a family not a person. He might have an influence on them to bring them for a long weekend to visit before December and get to know you and your family. Your mom and dad are very right.

I highly recommend professional counselling about having children before you even get engaged. I think you are freaking out about children but from what you wrote it sounds like there are some deeper thoughts that might need exploring.

I hope you don't hate me for giving you my honest opinion :( You will be okay and will do very well in life.

8/19/2005 03:54:00 AM  
Blogger KM said...

I have a totally different (and likely more Western take) which is that it's perfectly normal and acceptable to freak out. And all the added stress of trying to line up families for visits (when HE is conveniently right there and if your family hates him, it saves his family the $$ and time away), fighting with your sister, and the thought of a future with this man, who it sounds like will want children... it's just all overwhelming.

Breathe. Take it a day at a time. Enjoy your time with K. Know your parents just want to do this their way and properly (for them). Realize that your sister loves you... even when she's mad at you and you at her. And you love her too.

8/19/2005 12:55:00 PM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Twosret,

This morning I read that Librans are supposed to be the diplomats & the peacemakers of the Zodiac. What irony.

If a counsellor is going to help me figure out what my sister's problem is before she drives me completely insane then I'm all for it.

Yesterday in the morning Mom & I were getting breakfast ready & she was in the living room watching TV. So I asked her if she didn't think she should help too. She said fine.

When the food was ready I started looking for my book which I was sure I left in the living room the night before. Couldn't find it. Checked in my room. Wasn't there. So I said ok fine & I took a newspaper. Just have this habit of reading with breakfast.

After breakfast was looking for the book again, ran into my brother in the corridor, asked him if he'd seen my book. He said that my sister took it.

Now she was watching me search all over for it. Why didn't she say something?

Knocked on her door, asked her if she had it. She said yes. So I said if you are finished with it can I have it back?And she threw the book at me. Actually hit me in the face with it.

All I said to her all morning were 2 things:

1)Help with breakfast.
2)Can I have my book?

Don't know what her problem is. Would love to know. Am intensely curious.

Mom says that she feels like the dumb one in the family - because we all did well in school & we all read so much while she's not doing so good in school & she doesn't like to read. Mom says we're all too critical of her - especially me. Always correcting her language & making fun of her questions etc...

What am I supposed to do?Stop reading so as not to hurt her feelings?

Just don't get her. Really I don't. She's a complete mystery to me.And am stressed out right now to cope with her.

Don't understand kids who suddenly start showing this unsolicited hostility to everything & everyone because they think it's cool when they become teenagers. I mean it. When I see kids like that I always think thank God they're not my responsibility.

It's not like any of these kids are abused or come from broken families or anything. Infact it's quite the opposite. All the obnoxious adolescents I know come from really privileged families & have parents who indulge & worry themselves sick about them. Don't they see how lucky they are?Kids their age the world over are starving to death or living in refugee camps or being forcibly recruited to fight in wars.

8/19/2005 01:02:00 PM  
Blogger doshar said...

fe eh ya loul, malek? take it easy. you are taking kol 7aga 3ala a3sabek kida leh?

exhaustion could lead to edginess, but crying like that because of your sis? the screaming match and physical fighting is funny though.

when my sister and i were younger we would play that we are wrestlers and actually wrestle! and usually kanet bete2leb gad we gham tab3an. but we always played.

sisters fight, fact of life. your children would not be the same. also, your children will not feel the rivalry that sisters sometimes feel. btw, maybe your sis is secretly upset that u are getting married and so she will be deprived of you so she is mad at you for leaving in a sense.

and you will be more tolerant with yur own kids, like your mom is easily subdued with chocolate, so will you!

just take it easy and maybe cut down on the coffee. wallahi K da tayyeb awy ma3aki :)

8/19/2005 01:22:00 PM  
Blogger roora said...

loulou , i believe that you are quite stressed for the whole thing taking place , and you are entering a new phase where your parents are now interfeering and so should his parents,

i think your family is right about seeing his parents , families are important in the marraige and you have to know whether you can all deal together or not.

i think you might be also stressed because of the fear or responsibility , and whether you will be able to be up to it or not.
and it become reflective to you regarding raising children, you will be defintely more tolerant with your children, for example me , i love my nephews very much but i used not to be able to deal with them as children for some time , but by practice , things changed and i am not afraid from being a mother but bel3ks i am looking forward to be ISA.

you reminded me with my ex fiance , whenever i think of marriage i get worried because of the whole thing as a responsibility and whether i will be able to deal with or not, but i guess in the situation God helps ISA
i agree with Twosret in that you may need to pray and do some activity that distress you away.
one last thing , getting married with K is not a step that you have to , and it is a step that you should be looking forward because you love him , lucky you are :)

BTW, i am libra too , and i am not in all the cases very diplomatic

8/19/2005 01:41:00 PM  
Blogger Me said...

Calm down ya Loulou ya gamila...you're just nervous so it's reflecting on all your actions.. when there's "naseeb" everything will work itself out inshAllah...(but I don't mean to say you shouldn't work on it)... I have 2 friends who got married last summer...he's Egyptian living in the States..she's Libyan living in England... they got engaged in England... then got married in Egypt...then went to live in the States!!! Sob7an Allah everything went smooth and Rabena sah-hel el2omoor coz there was "naseeb" :-)

8/19/2005 03:58:00 PM  
Blogger afp763389 said...

appreciate some next hours to describe how tired (of writting assume) can one be :)

8/19/2005 04:24:00 PM  
Blogger Twosret said...

"This morning I read that Librans are supposed to be the diplomats & the peacemakers of the Zodiac. What irony."

Who is a Libra? because I'm one :)

8/19/2005 05:06:00 PM  
Blogger zoss said...

"What am I supposed to do?Stop reading so as not to hurt her feelings?"

If I knew what I was talking about, I'd suggest including her in some decision-making -- even if it's picking what to wear or the like. (And do take her advice seriously.)

"Don't understand kids who suddenly start showing this unsolicited hostility to everything & everyone because they think it's cool when they become teenagers."

I'm sure you know this is how teenagers assert their existence and individuality. Again, I'd suggest listening to what they have to say even if it sounds like total rubbish to you. This would hopefully encourage them to think things over, as opposed to putting them down, which will only reinforce the hostile attitude -- "no one understands me", etc.

8/19/2005 07:10:00 PM  
Blogger Mohamed said...

Wow.. danty a worry guru.. mesh leldaragady.. take it easy, and enjoy the relationship, u're ruining it! Take it in step by step, digest it as it comes, and don't look too far ahead into the future I guess.

And I thought I had a fear of committment a'al!

8/19/2005 07:37:00 PM  
Blogger Al Sharief said...

"It's getting to be a vicious circle"
Take it Eazy! Nobody will be that nice forever.
Figure out what it takes to stop flipping out like this!

you will cross the teenage years of your children when you will get there, Just give as much Love as possiable in the first 10 years.
Things will work it'self @ the End.

8/19/2005 07:40:00 PM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Mohamed & AlSharief,

Always heard it's every man's nightmare. An emotionally over-wrought woman. Should I now worry that am scaring him off?

One way to keep from flipping out at him is to take it out on someone other than him I guess. Take a little pressure off him. Didn't see him today. Spent Friday at home by myself. Thought I'd give him a break.

The real solution - knowing myself - is to just do it. Then I'll be immersed in the everyday details of life & stop worrying about whether am making the right decision. Suspense & decision-making are not where I shine am afraid.

It's the same before an exam or a job-interview or an important presentation. I flip out before but once it starts I lose the fear & just do it.

He knows that. He told me that one reason he thought we shouldn't wait any longer is that he was getting worried about me. He could see the waiting was taking its toll on me.

But yes when I think of marriage I worry about things like childbirth & child-raising too. Even things like whether I know how to cook his favorite foods, whether we have the same taste in decor, whether my love of entertainment & social life would be a problem when he's a more stay-at-home type.

About the vicious circle Sharief last time I took him out to dinner to make up it wasn't me flipping out - it was him.

8/19/2005 08:37:00 PM  
Blogger roora said...

Loulou
"whether I know how to cook his favorite foods, whether we have the same taste in decor, whether my love of entertainment & social life would be a problem when he's a more stay-at-home type."

i know exactly how you feel , try to enjoy the moment and stop worrying . I say that to myself before you. My mom always claim that i am too much worried even if everything is ok and seems to be too good to be true , i say what if so and so ? i guess we should have more tawakol on God , because they are unknown future things that we dont know whether they will exist or not

8/19/2005 08:50:00 PM  
Blogger LouLou said...

roora,

Am glad to hear am not the only one who worries about these things. It makes me feel more normal. Thanks.

8/19/2005 09:22:00 PM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Zoss,

Thanks for the tips about L. You sound as if you've had experience.

Will give it a shot when things have cooled down a bit.

8/19/2005 09:23:00 PM  
Blogger LouLou said...

km,

I think yours was the most comforting comment I read today. Thank you:)

8/19/2005 09:25:00 PM  
Blogger Gilgamish said...

loulou,


sister's fight i understsand, they make me feel so angry. And i do have an elder sister that always corrects me and honestly i hate that. All i can say to your sister, is to ask her why she feels that way? and how did she end up having all this anger in her? i think the magic words, just tell her that you love her and you want the best for her and that correcting her is not to put her down but to make her better. And yes, do involve her with decision making stuff, i do indulgde at times in mature conversations with my teenage sister (we are 9 yrs apart), to be honest, they can be the best freinds you can ever ask for.

i just think your sister needs lots of emotional support from you, she is probably looking up to you but frustrated that she probably can't make it. or probably help her to search what she really wants to be.

And as for the fear of havin children, i've read some pregnuncy magazine long time ago, and it says that women while in labor they release this hormone, they named it "love hormone" and i dont think u can compare yourself now with yourself as a mother, i think a women whole physiological self changes.

best of luck :)

8/19/2005 09:38:00 PM  
Blogger aroundtheclock24_7 said...

Take it easy ;)

Breathe in then breathe out and place a big smile on your face ;) This is life.

Stop worrying about you and K for it is normal things that happen within relationships.
In old times people used to get married to people they have never seen or even spoken too and most of them ended up with successful marriages not because of luck but because they wanted to.

Don't think much ahead, i am a Libra too and i know how hard it is not to think ahead. I have planned my life till 100 more years although i know that nothing might happen from my plan but this is what all Libras do. Take a rest and just enjoy the moment and as for your sister it is so normal. I think the solution to that would be to get to her level. Try to help her to become better by buying her books for example which she might like or even CDs with her favourite English songs on it. My sister improved he language through watching movies, reading teen magazines and gossip, and memorising love songs. So maybe you could buy her something which can implement on learning the language and you would be the person on her side against all. Don't forget that it is important to gain her trust for you need her too when the K. issue is up in the house for sisters and brothers play big impact on parents.

What i tried to say is that you are so genuine and your feelings are true and right on time but they have exceeded the normal weight of panicing and frustration.

Take it easy w Sammi Billah.

When something is meant to be it will happen you like it or not. It being K, the marriage, the kids, Morocco or whatever.

Loved your blog especially the conversations and would love to read your thoughts on my blog too for i might be going through the same phase ;) my blog is "http://shoufimafi.blogspot.com/".

Smile and enjoy the moment.

Best regards ;)

8/21/2005 04:22:00 PM  
Blogger LouLou said...

aroundtheclock24_7,

Thanks for your comment. El7amdullilah things are going pretty well now which is why am not blogging I guess.:)

See with me - no news is always good news.

Thanks for the link. Will check out your blog asap.

8/23/2005 06:22:00 PM  
Blogger roora said...

Begad , tayeb great , if things are going fine , tell us , share us in the bitterness and the good times as well :)

8/23/2005 09:29:00 PM  
Blogger aroundtheclock24_7 said...

Great news ;) I am glad that things are back on track ;) As for the blogging, I donno what to tell u! If u only blog when u're not happy then i hope i will always miss your blogs hehehehehe ;) You take care and goodluck;)

8/23/2005 11:52:00 PM  
Blogger Alina said...

Lou, first of all, CONGRATULATIONS!!! About the rest :"When you worry you'll make it double"...Take care! I think you guys will solve all this problems anyway!

8/24/2005 07:05:00 PM  

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