Rambling

Very, very tired. Exhausted infact. But too hyper & too excited to sleep.

We're trying to get married now. Notice the word trying. Why trying? It should be simple enough. Two responsible, consenting adults should be able to get married when they want to right?Wrong. WHEN being the operative word here. It can't be when you want. It has its own pace & isn't about to be hurried.

My parents say they're very happy & pleased to hear about K. & of course there is nothing they like better than to see me happily settled down etc...But they won't even see him unless he brings his family. Tried to explain that his parents live in Sweden so neighborly visits might be a little difficult here. But no way. Mom says we have to know who he is. Confused I ask if they want to know who he is why won't they at least meet him?She explains that this is because they won't know who he is unless they see his family too. Huh?

K. is pretty pissed off about that. Kept saying that he's not a child & it's not a PTA meeting to be asked to bring a parent & that he can't have his parents flying back & forth all the time. He thinks everything should be settled first & then his parents should just come for the wedding.

Was terrified he was going to dig in his heels about this. Like the true Taurean he is if he digs in his heels I'd have no choice but to commit suicide by hara kiri. Then they'd all be sorry for the way am caught in the middle.

But we got past that. He spoke with his parents & they convinced him that it's only natural that the girl's family want to know what kind of family he comes from before the wedding when it will be too late really. Was pretty impressed at this outcome because I couldn't talk any sense into him myself. But I guess they're his parents so they would know what to do with him.

Unfortunately however there are practical difficulties. His parents just came back from holiday in Egypt so neither one of them can get away from their jobs before Christmas. So basically nothing can happen & the process cannot even start before my parents leave here.

Now I regret not having let the formalities start AGES ago. If I had realized it would be so complicated we could have started them & we would have had YEARS to get to know each other before they completed if this rate is anything to go by.

Now that I managed to reach a decision that we should get married I can't STAND being made to wait. It's nerve-racking. Just wanted to get it over with. Just jump right into it. Having all this time will just mean more time to worry. It's like when you've shut your eyes tight & made up your mind to jump into the pool & then someone says hold on we still have to fill the pool. So what happens while you're waiting for them to fill the pool?You start to lose your nerve.

This morning I woke up & had a horrible fight with my sister L. Complete with screaming match & throwing things at each other. Then I had a crying fit closely followed by a panic attack about motherhood. I think I would make a terrible mother. Can't even get along with my little sister.

Have never been good with kids once they get past being cute little babies who don't talk back or have chips on their shoulders. I think on average I give them until about age 8 or 9. Then I start to find them really obnoxious & lose interest in them.

So I called K. & I told him that we can't get married because I can't possibly have adolescent children in MY LIFE & I HATE adolescents & pre-adolescents and if we get married all our kids will turn out to be sociopathic drug-dealers & prostitutes because am sure am going to abuse them. How can I possibly not abuse them when I hate them so much?

He said you're rambling. So I hung up on him. So he called right back & said am I allowed to ask what brought this on?I said no I hate you. So he said ok & he hung up. Had another crying fit.

Then I got dressed to go out & my Mom said don't go out in public with your face like that. She meant because my face was all puffed up & swollen from crying. And then I got a lecture about how this was not the way to deal with my little sister wana elkibeera etc....Exactly what I needed to hear.

So I went back in my room, washed my face & then tried to go out again & Mom asked me where I was going. I told her to see K. Don't know why I said that. Wasn't going out to see him. Wasn't even speaking to him. Just said it to be difficult I guess. Because I knew it would upset her. But she didn't choose to rise to the bait. One dirty look & then she gave me her back & ignored me.

Walked to the nearest cafe & sat by myself for 2 hrs, staring into space & having just about every coffee they had on the menu. Then I wanted a cigarette & reached for my bag only to realize that I forgot it. So I had no money & credit cards on me. No car keys & no house keys too. Just my cellphone which I was carrying my hand. Called K. & told him where I was & that I had no money. He said ok he's coming. Before he came I went into the bathroom & threw up all the coffee.

Of course when he did come he picked up the cheque & stared at me like I'd gone mad. Then he asked did you drink all this coffee by yourself?I said yes. He said did you eat anything?I said no I was feeling too sick. He said I'd feel better if I eat. Was too tired to argue. So he ordered a salad for me. And I did feel better.
Told him I wanted to go home now so he took me home.

Took him out to dinner tonight to apologize. It's getting to be a vicious circle this fighting & then taking him out to dinner. Except he wasn't really mad at me this time. He was making fun of me all evening. Don't know which is worse.

Earlier I bought my Mom a box of chocolates to apologize(story of my life). Good thing is you can always bribe my Mom with chocolate. She's so cute.

But still haven't been near L. We're ignoring each other for this lifetime.