Halal or Haram?
My brother A. came over to see me today. Mom told him am sick. We had a talk. Finally told him about K. Guess am easy to interrogate when am not feeling well.
He says he wants to meet the guy. Wants me to bring K. to dinner on Friday. Considering the fact that K. will be back on Thurs that's awfully short notice. Wonder how he'd feel about dinner at my brother's?
Tried to explain that I don't want pressure. He promised no shotgun wedding on Friday but still gave me a lecture about how we're Muslims & not Europeans & I can't expect to be getting involved with men all over the place with no commitment etc.
The C-word again. Commitment. Am scared.
My voice is almost gone. That happens when your throat is blocked. It's painful to speak & I sound really funny. So I couldn't argue much.
Been thinking about the whole we're Muslims argument though. Does being Muslim mean that you can't fall in love before marriage?Should I feel am doing something haram here?Are arranged marriages somehow more Islamic?
There's a hadith that states that someone asked the Prophet if love was halal or haram & the Prophet said:"Al7ub El7alal 7alal wa Al7ub El7aram 7aram.".
My brother says that halal love can only be within marriage.
Update: Ok it's arranged. K. says he has no problem with dinner on Friday. Decided am going to bring 2 of my girlfriends along. That way it feels more casual. Just bringing a group of friends to dinner. A. doesn't like it. He said the point was that he wanted to get to know the guy & have a man-to-man talk. And I said but I don't want you to have a man-to-man talk with him!That's exactly what am afraid of!
D. & M. don't know yet but they're coming even if I have to drag them by the hair!Some friends they would be if they didn't support me in my hour of trial.
posted by LouLou @ 1:20 AM
15 Comments:
Nice! Great actually!
Hi loulou ,
i think this is a very postive step that your brother will meet him , i will tell you why,
because when you were arguing before with me that you still need to know him before any official move , i was gonna suggest on you that families should get to know each other and still no official step to be taken except after two months later, but the families getting to know each other will reveal out some aspects in him that you dont know and same goes for you.
Because simply you will see how he deals with family and in discussions, you will also find if you can get along with his family or not and same goes for him too
being in the middle of people and families and see how he reacts in case if any problem (isa there is no problems)but this will reveal how much he is connected to you , how he deals in situations.
regarding the halal and haram . well it is not the arranged marriages halal and the unarranged are harm, it depends on tha acts and behaviors, as long as there is nothing haram is done in behavior , there fore it is not haram, as far as i think. y3ni it is not logic that a couple get engaged by arranged way , and they do worng behaviors and we say that this is halal , not logic.
i know some couples who get married from love story and they were behaving in a halal way as far as i think
but to be honest what could be worng here, is that you are doing something on the back of your parents, i dont think they know that you go out with him that frequent. they trust you that is why they dont follow up on you , i guess, so from my own pint of view this is the main problem.
second, there is a verses that i dont know exactly its interpretations but it says that we should not enter the houses from the back , but el birr that we should enter houses through the proper doors.
so i think the proper door is that he comes to your family and get to know them and same for his family, without any commitment so that it wont make any pressure on you.
so go on in this step , i would rather advice that non of your friends would come so that it would give a chance for your brother to chat with him a while and build up an impression , and good luck we Rabena m3aki
Rabena ye3mel elli feih el kheir ya Loulou...been reading a lot about you and K ... hope things go for the best...and "salamtek" .. isA better now? :-)
"man-to-man talk." love that about Arab men.. hehe..
Salamat & my coolest wishes in this hot summer, & I wish you a Happy Commitment...
roora,
"they trust you that is why they dont follow up on you , i guess, so from my own pint of view this is the main problem.
"
No they don't know. They don't ask specific questions so I don't have to lie to them. Could have told my mom I guess but the thing is she is exactly like me. She would have worried herself sick about it.
Don't feel I betrayed their trust though. Haven't done anything bad.
It's my brother who has been making it difficult. He's the one who keeps calling me asking where are you & who are you with & when are you going home. If am with K. I can't answer the questions so I use the attack is the best method of defence theory. I tell him none of your business, why are you asking, am old enough etc...
But he never gave up. He kept opening the subject again & again until the end I got so tired of it I just told him.
My brother is fairly reasonable with me these days but I never forget that he was the one who made my teenage years MISERABLE. Don't want to get into his bad books again.
" would rather advice that non of your friends would come so that it would give a chance for your brother to chat with him a while and build up an impression "
Maybe next time. If the first time goes well.
Mohamed,
Begad what do you guys say to each other in a man-to-man talk that you can't say in a man-to-woman talk?
me,
Sweet of you to visit.Thanks for the kind comments. No not better at all but am hoping by tomorrow morning the worst will be behind me.
Best of luck with your blog.
Loulou, I have no clue really. Never did that with my sister's husband. I regret it now ofcourse, maybe I could've saved them so much trouble. But its just not me. She's grown enough to handle her shit.
if your brother is anything like mine, he would probably be very nice and charming to try to gain his trust, while showing him that he is mesa7sa7 to what ever he is up to. K probably knows exactly what to expect and is not worried about it. I think your brother will probably probe around future plans, but that is an issue i think you are more worried about than K.
K is a big boy, and if he is as charming as he sounds, i wouldn't worry about Friday at all. Just go and enjoy the fact that there are 2 men in your life that obviously care for you very much.
loulou ,
you said that they dont ask you questions so you dont have to lie,
so you dont feel you betray their trust
ok, non of my parents now ask me where am i going for the sake of follow up or making control , but just to know and feel secure about me ,and that is bec i am now grown up and they trust me, even my brother when he used to ask me and follow up , that was exactly in my tenns, but not now any more, but yet i can tell what they like and what they dont and what are the places they want me to go out in and what places they dont like , so simply i avoid doing acts that i know if they knew it, will really upset them, do u understand me ?
they dont ask me , but i know for a fact what they would expect from me , i think if your parents are like mine they would give you freedom bearing in their minds that you will automatically behave in the way they expect you to do , got me?
roora,
"i think if your parents are like mine they would give you freedom bearing in their minds that you will automatically behave in the way they expect you to do , got me?"
Yeah that's what I meant. Parents always think their daughter is an angel & won't believe anything bad about her etc....
doshar,
Thanks for the explanation. Made me feel better. If things go as you say then it doesn't sound very threatening.
Mohamed,
"Never did that with my sister's husband."
Does your sister know how lucky she is?
My brothers have always been interfering. One of the reasons I wasn't eager to tell my family about K. Knew they'd get involved.
Except the younger one because I was careful to overplay the big sister bit & intimidate him & a7atam shakhseeyitu from a very young age so he doesn't turn out like the older ones:)
My older brothers are conservative about some things because they grew up here in UAE and they were influenced by their khaleegi friends. We always used to have this argument where they tell me not to do something & I say but it's normal in Morroco & they say but we're not in Morroco now etc...
Always hated that. Being allowed or not allowed something because their friends made some comment they found embarrassing. Felt like my life was being ruled by strangers.
Lou, I wish you both the best on Friday! Don't worry too much about it! Big brothers are like that everywhere, I think! They just love these kind of talks.
BTW, I loved the dragging by the hair part! :))
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