Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Love

Strange experience that am living through. This falling in love business. Unreal.Sometimes I get this strange sensation - like am having a psychic out of body experience. Watching myself fall in love. Watching something grow actually seeing it grow. But am strangely numb. When this strange mood grips me it's as if am watching it happen to someone else. Like am not affected by it - just observing it.Like a dream but one of those dreams where you're half awake & you know you're dreaming so it's not really touching you but you still don't want to wake up because it's a nice dream & you want to know what's going to happen next.

Am not sure what to call this. A self-defence mechanism?It happened a few times & everytime I get to a point where something happens & I snap out of it. And then am me again. And then it's like an explosion of feeling. Wanting to be closer & closer. And about a million fears & insecurities.

Not sure exactly when my fears changed but they have. They used to be all about me.That am falling too fast, too hard. That he might hurt me. That is gone now. Now I FEEL myself falling harder & harder & it fills me up somehow. Can't get enough of it. And it makes me want to give & give. Every good feeling he gives me I want him to feel it too. And I start to panic because what if he doesn't?It's strange but it's almost like am responsible for him now. If he's not one hundred percent ok then it's a reflection on me.

He's going away tomorrow. And am in my strange out of body mood. I know am going to miss him & already nothing is the same. But it doesn't actually hurt yet like missing someone usually should. Again am watching myself miss him. It's only 10 days but tomorrow he won't be here & on some level I know everything will look different. We'll be in touch by phone but only short calls because it will be international & because he will with his family & they haven't seen him in a while. Nothing like our usual endless phone calls. More hurried, less intimate. And there is so much going on in my head & I need to talk.

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37 Comments:

Blogger Mohamed said...

Wow, cool. Just be careful.

Its good he's going away for a while. Time to reflect abit.

7/26/2005 10:44:00 AM  
Blogger haal said...

Is it a case of possessivness....fear of letting go lest he will be lost?

7/26/2005 11:55:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Mohamed,

"Its good he's going away for a while. Time to reflect abit."

Reflect on what?I reflect & reflect & think & analyze & write & reach conclusions all the time.And I tell myself to be careful. But it seems to be useless. There's something inevitable happening here. Don't seem to have any control over it. Keep feeling & doing things I promised myself I wouldn't feel or do.

Am I setting myself up for a broken heart?

7/26/2005 05:35:00 PM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Haal,

"Is it a case of possessivness....fear of letting go lest he will be lost?"

Am sure the fear you mentioned is in the mix.The need to cling. And the need to please.

7/26/2005 05:37:00 PM  
Blogger Mohamed said...

"Am I setting myself up for a broken heart?"

Not necessarily, but for an unhealthy relationship maybe?

Alot of what we think is inevitable isn't really so, and we can do alot to change it. (that's not really related to your situation I think).

I think reflection when he's away could be different than when being with him daily and talking daily, and not even having time to digest that reflection.

Plus, you missed him when he lived a few minutes away from you, how will it be when he's that far? Its good for you.

7/26/2005 06:12:00 PM  
Blogger LouLou said...

"Alot of what we think is inevitable isn't really so, and we can do alot to change it. "

What I used to think was easy & am now finding so hard to do is controlling how your feelings develop once you're involved. I tell myself I shouldn't get so attached because the future is so unclear. But can you really make yourself love someone 30% or 40% & say ok I'll stop here until I see what happens?

You spend time together, familiarity & trust start creeping up on you & getting under your defences. And telling yourself not to get used to it is useless because you will. It's so easy to get used to a good thing isn't it?

7/26/2005 06:48:00 PM  
Blogger doshar said...

i think you just can't mentally catch up with your emotions. it hasn't sunk in yet. your emotions are way ahead of you, and it scares you sometimes i guess.

it takes a bit of time to get over this watching myself from a distance part. because what you are in now is so different from what you have been like for years. it is normal to freak out a bit.

maybe it would be easier for you if you had a clearer idea about how permanent this relationship is going to be.

7/26/2005 06:53:00 PM  
Blogger LouLou said...

"Plus, you missed him when he lived a few minutes away from you, how will it be when he's that far? "

Please don't remind me of that. Am trying to brave:)

Think I'll get dressed & go out for a drive. A walk would have been nice but it's so hot & humid.

7/26/2005 06:54:00 PM  
Blogger Gilgamish said...

hey loulou,

if you guys love each other that much, how come he did not suggest marriage until now?

7/27/2005 03:08:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

doshar,

"because what you are in now is so different from what you have been like for years."

You got it exactly right.

7/27/2005 07:50:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Gilgamish,

"if you guys love each other that much, how come he did not suggest marriage until now? "

A while back he met my sister-in-law by accident. And I was worried that she'll go & tell my bro & he'll start to give me grief. And that is exactly what happened.

K. tried to convince me that we should get engaged, then we don't need to worry about who has seen us together & who has heard of our relationship etc...That an engagement is not marriage, we still get a chance to know each other etc...

Of course I said no.

1)Being afraid of what people will say is not the right reason for marriage.

2)I know what an engagement means to my family. Huge party, rings, shabka, notice in the papers etc....Went through this once before. Was engaged for 2 years & it actually took 1 whole year to break it off because everytime we broke up people pressured us to get back together with talk of what will people say, everyone expects you to get married etc.... By the time it ended both of us were on the verge of a nervous breakdown & we HATED each other.

Am not going to go through that again. These social formalities just complicate things.

K. & I only met 4 months ago. We need time to be sure. Don't want to marry someone who only wants to marry me because of social pressure or because he's afraid of embarrassing his family or my family if he doesn't or because his father gave his word or whatever. Arabs have all sorts of weird traditions that come into play when you involve families.Want him to be sure it's what he wants.

We both agree that there are very strong feelings between us but that we need to calm down & think & get to know each other better to be sure we're not rushing into anything out of infatution or whatever.The prob is from my side the calming down & thinking part is not working out very well.

7/27/2005 08:24:00 AM  
Blogger Mohamed said...

Two more heated months, if all is still fine, take Gilgamesh's advise and marry the guy right away, without an engagement.

7/27/2005 08:51:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Mohamed,

I still remember the conversation we had after the incident with my sister-in-law.

Him: Did you ever consider living in Sweden?
Me:No. It's too cold.
Him: Do you think you can start to consider it now?We have heating I promise you.
Me: Why?
Him: Because in a few year's time I will have to go back there.
Me: Oh you mean get married & live in Sweden?
Him: No I want you to come to Sweden to be my live-in girlfriend.
Me: Have you had a lot of live-in girlfriends?
Him: Aren't we going off-topic here?
Me: Sorry. What was the topic again?
Him:We should let your family know. I don't want you always looking over your shoulder.
Me: You want to tell my family that you want me to be your live-in girlfriend?
Him: Ah. Inti 3arfa I can't do anything behind your family's back. I have sisters.
Me:Tool 3omrak ragil.
Him: Tab3an. I'll go to your father & tell him shoof ya 3ammi
your daughter & I have been practically living together for the last 3 months or so wana la'eet elree7a fa7it oult astur 3laiha bil7alal.

Wow. How romantic. Doesn't this sound to you like a match made in heaven?

7/27/2005 09:34:00 AM  
Blogger Mohamed said...

It does sound like a match made in heaven.. hehe.. he's a great guy obviously.

Oh, Sweden sounds great to me. Wonderful country. Yalla yalla, start packing.

7/27/2005 09:41:00 AM  
Blogger haal said...

Very sweet. Again, you said he is coming when? ;)

7/27/2005 09:52:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Mohamed,

Yeah Sweden sounds good to me too even though I don't speak Swedish & have no idea what kind of work I can do there without speaking the language. But he says that in Sweden the rights of women come first. Then children. Then animals. Then men.

Yep. Sounds like my kind of place:)

But Astur 3laiha bil7alal?Why does this make me feel like am Hind & he's Elfishawy?

7/27/2005 10:34:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

haal,

"Very sweet. Again, you said he is coming when? ;) "

Coming back from Cairo you mean?Aug 4th. 8 days & 13.5 hours.

7/27/2005 11:02:00 AM  
Blogger Alina said...

Lou, how many seconds? I am just kidding, but I really know how that feels. The whole waiting part seems awful, but I agree with Mohamed, it might allow you to have a different view on things.

7/27/2005 12:35:00 PM  
Blogger haal said...

No No, coming to Egypt of course:)

7/27/2005 06:14:00 PM  
Blogger Gilgamish said...

loulou,

oh wow, even get noticed in the newspapers. Then just follow your instincts and do whatever you think is right for you, without people pressuring you.

all the best of luck :)

7/27/2005 09:53:00 PM  
Blogger roora said...

yeah experiencing being in love is a great feeling , i hope it would be concluded by success ISA and to get married

7/28/2005 02:49:00 AM  
Blogger Mohamed said...

Roora, why conclude it?!

Haal, don't make Lou worry more than she already is.

7/28/2005 03:08:00 AM  
Blogger bewitchedkayteabug said...

loulou
hi i dont know u i just set up a blog today so i went thourgh and i stopped on yours b/c it had the same backround as mine.anyhow i just wanted to say as i read ur blog on ur boyfriend, husband,or whatever and about falling in love with him it made me feel so happy to hear that happening to someone it brightened up my day i know u probably think its weird i am telling u this but so far i have not felt that emotion and ur blog let me feel that it will happen. i know this is weird but i just wanted to say good luck and hold on to him every girl deserves a great guy who loves them.i'll keep my fingers crossed for you

7/28/2005 04:01:00 AM  
Blogger haal said...

Loul, give me more info about K. and I will keep an eye on him. Mohamed, please, Loul trusts me. :)No bad intentions.

Why conclude it? Why think of marriage as a conclusion? Isnt it suppose to be a starter? Well, it even doesnt have to be either.

I would prefer my marriage cermony to take something like 1 hour and that's it. To be part of my life, not a stopper to declare a new beginning....and 'see people, i am starting a new life.' It should be, in my opinion, a continuation of the normal life but with a new attitude, and towards a more clear path...with a lovely traveller.

7/28/2005 09:34:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Mohamed,

Of course I trust haal. She'll take very good care of him.Can't have him running around Cairo with no one to keep an eye on him now can I?

He's staying between Dokki & Maadi & having a great holiday apparently.

Oh well am glad he's not breaking his heart missing me or anything.

7/28/2005 11:15:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

roora,

thanks for the da3wa. very sweet of you.

7/28/2005 11:45:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

gilgamish,


"oh wow, even get noticed in the newspapers. Then just follow your instincts and do whatever you think is right for you, without people pressuring you."


Yes it's strange the way they insist on making a big fuss when they know I don't like it.

Used to tell them look guys in Islam Ish-har is supposed to be for marriage not engagement. But they weren't interested in my fatwa on this:).

Later when I wanted to break it off they start to say how could you?After we went to all this trouble & the whole world knows?

I mean why is that my fault?Am not the one wanted the trouble or who wanted to tell the whole world.

So I decided my family will definitely stay out of the picture until am ready for marriage. It's better for everyone that way.

Best of luck to you too. Will be checking your blog to find out when you fall in love:)

7/28/2005 11:52:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

haal,

"Why conclude it? Why think of marriage as a conclusion? Isnt it suppose to be a starter? Well, it even doesnt have to be either."

It's not waiting for marriage that is so hard. It's waiting for the end of this 'test' phase.So long as we're still saying we are getting to know each other it means we are still testing each other & our relationship. It means there's a chance we might decide it doesn't work.And for me at least it means he's not mine yet.

My hand is on my heart everytime there's an argument even though they all turn out to be silly ones. But I start thinking is this it?Are things going to start to go sour now?The honeymoon is over?

Read somewhere that you should never trust the initial 'love-burst' phase of a relationship because that's always good. It's what comes after this phase has passed that has to be bearable. And it's the same advice everyone I know is giving me. Love is not enough.Things don't stay like that. You have to build a solid basis.Common interests, values, compatible personalities, lots of connections other than love & attraction.Wait until you can think with a clear mind.

But me & him can't seem to get past the honeymoon.And my mind is less clear everyday.

If we get to a point where we decide ok we've had enough time, we've passed the test, we're meant to be, we're both sure then that will be the end of the waiting for me. Other steps will follow naturally.

Thing is am not sure if I'll even recognize that point when I get to it. What signs do you look for?

Knowing him & knowing me am willing to bet that in the end this is a decision he will have to make. I'll never have the guts to say ok this is it now or never. Too afraid of failure. He'll have to give me some sort of an ultimatum or this really could drag on for AGES.

7/28/2005 11:54:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

bewitchedkayteabug,

Congrats on the new blog. It has a nice name.

Thanks for dropping by.

7/28/2005 11:56:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Kayla,

"Lou, how many seconds?"

Please don't give me ideas. Am tempted to start counting seconds now:) With a pen & paper.

7/28/2005 11:57:00 AM  
Blogger haal said...

Very true Loul what you said. Very true! well, if you ask me, the honeymoon period is the worst time for me. For some reason I think of it as a little fake. I d'like to bypass this phase and go down to buisness. The waiting/testing is hard time, especially to those characters who are super sensitive and just doesnt like to take decisions when it comes to love unless something dramatic happens.

Something I would like to do at the right moment and not after it is too late, is to take it easy. Relax. Be light.

Good luck. May you always be satisfied.

7/28/2005 12:17:00 PM  
Blogger Alina said...

Sorry if I have given you any ideas! I was mostly making fun of me! There was a certain period of my life when I used to be attached to the clock and watching every second go by till it was time to get ready and go meet him (he turned out to be an idiot anyway). You'd think someone staying so close to a watch, clock, whatever, would have been in time...Well, not me! Although I am very punctual normally...

7/28/2005 01:42:00 PM  
Blogger roora said...

ok mohamed and haal , i didnt mean conclude the end of love, well let me say be continued with marriage

i think Loulou get me right , conclusion of the testing phase,

loulou, i agree with you in what you said that Love is not enough although it is the base of any relation but mutual interests and understanding are not less important , at least that you feel there is someone who understands you
he is like your best friend and you are enjoying your time with.

i dont know if 4 months are enough to judge or not, but maybe it can give you a vision on things in common and differences and how you feel towards them.
i dont know if you accept that or not but for me if i am in love with someone to that extent and (if i feel ok towards the differences between us ), i would of like to have a further step in the relation

7/28/2005 02:11:00 PM  
Blogger haal said...

4 months are more than enough I feel. The officiality of the relation takes it to a different dimension and deeper level one aspect of which is 'comitment' and 'security' and these things take a lot of the speculations and the unwanted thinking that could be destructive at times.

7/28/2005 03:25:00 PM  
Blogger LouLou said...

roora & haal,


"4 months are more than enough I feel."

"i dont know if 4 months are enough to judge or not, but maybe it can give you a vision on things in common and differences and how you feel towards them.
"

Maybe it's social conditioning. In my social circle you marry people you've known all your life or if you don't know them personally at least your family knows their family & basically their whole history. All my friends who had love marriages had really long love stories - since we were in high school sometimes.

Whirlwind romances with tall dark handsome strangers simply don't happen in this world I live in. Now that I think about it I don't know a single person who got married like that.

This is why all my friends freak out & say 4 months?Are you crazy?He's a total stranger, he's not even from here, What do you know about his life before he came here?About his family? etc...

Obviously I don't feel he's a total stranger. I love him.

But it's not like when am with someone my family & friends know & approve of.They could all give me info & opinions about him. You get to see him through the eyes of a lot of people who know him very well.That creates a bit of security I guess. And when things go wrong you can blame everyone else. It doesn't feel like it was your choice alone.

But this time he's my choice & my choice alone. Am 100% responsible.So I feel I need more reassurance than just emotions. I need practical reasons for why I want him & not any of the other people everyone wants me to marry. I need to be able to defend my choice with rational arguments.It scares me that I don't feel very rational because everyone says you're blinded by your feelings & I don't want that to be true.

Am I wrong to let others influence me like that?Maybe but I'd feel a lot more confident if I could be sure at least between me & myself that I know all there is to know about him, that we have a complete understanding.

Don't have a specific deadline in mind. 6 months?8 months?1 year?Am just hoping I'll know when it's time.

Or that like I said here & also on Mohamed's when we were talking about fear of commitment . Am the kind of person who can't commit unless pushed - unless it's a choice between committing & losing him.So maybe he has to force me to decide when he's tired of waiting & watching me wringing my hands & worrying.

7/28/2005 05:09:00 PM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Wow.Just realized that after all these comments & all this discussion I finally see why I get this out-of-body, watching-myself-from-a-distance sensations. Am in love with the guy but am terrified of commitment.

Can't help falling for him & can't help being afraid. Being pulled in two different directions. So my subconscious mind(?) gives me a break from all the different fears by blocking them, by making me numb. That way it's painless & there's less kicking & screaming.

Amateur self-psychoanalyst. Thanks guys. You were all great!Where have you all been all my life?Why didn't I start blogging before?

7/28/2005 05:36:00 PM  
Blogger Mohamed said...

Lou, I think once your love evolves abit (past that testing phase), and you are rationally convinced of you two being together, you'll naturally want to evolve the relationship and take it to the next level. Share more of your lives together that is.. Marriage and committment comes natural this way, and should feel great.

If you're still too worried, then take it easy and don't be pushed. Its never the end of the world.

7/29/2005 01:26:00 AM  

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