Strange experience that am living through. This falling in love business. Unreal.Sometimes I get this strange sensation - like am having a psychic out of body experience. Watching myself fall in love. Watching something grow actually seeing it grow. But am strangely numb. When this strange mood grips me it's as if am watching it happen to someone else. Like am not affected by it - just observing it.Like a dream but one of those dreams where you're half awake & you know you're dreaming so it's not really touching you but you still don't want to wake up because it's a nice dream & you want to know what's going to happen next.
Am not sure what to call this. A self-defence mechanism?It happened a few times & everytime I get to a point where something happens & I snap out of it. And then am me again. And then it's like an explosion of feeling. Wanting to be closer & closer. And about a million fears & insecurities.
Not sure exactly when my fears changed but they have. They used to be all about me.That am falling too fast, too hard. That he might hurt me. That is gone now. Now I FEEL myself falling harder & harder & it fills me up somehow. Can't get enough of it. And it makes me want to give & give. Every good feeling he gives me I want him to feel it too. And I start to panic because what if he doesn't?It's strange but it's almost like am responsible for him now. If he's not one hundred percent ok then it's a reflection on me.
He's going away tomorrow. And am in my strange out of body mood. I know am going to miss him & already nothing is the same. But it doesn't actually hurt yet like missing someone usually should. Again am watching myself miss him. It's only 10 days but tomorrow he won't be here & on some level I know everything will look different. We'll be in touch by phone but only short calls because it will be international & because he will with his family & they haven't seen him in a while. Nothing like our usual endless phone calls. More hurried, less intimate. And there is so much going on in my head & I need to talk.