Staying In

So this is my first weekend at home. The evenings anyway. I got some housework and some packing done. And I had time to blog and watch TV - two things I haven't done in a long time.

There is still some dread about what I'm going to do late in the evening today. I start to get restless around 11:00pm everyday so we'll have to see how that goes.

It is hard to explain my mood. Am feeling a bit restricted. But also satisfied. There was this distance between me and K that seems to have disappeared now. I was starting to feel that he was so preoccupied with what he is going through that he had no attention whatsoever for me. I felt on the sidelines of his life.

But I wasn't. He HAS been paying attention. There is a sense of gratification when I hear him repeating things I told him, that he has been listening, that he remembers, that he's been thinking about what I say.

We talk a lot more easily now. It's like that last clash broke some accumulation of ice. And we're as close as we've ever been. And we can't stop talking. We hang up and then half an hour later one of us calls again. We're running up phone bills again and for the time being, we don't care.

From time to time, we do have peace that way. Things are back on track like none of the bad stuff ever happened, like when we first met and fell in love.

Speaking for myself, I don't know how long I can go on before I break down and have hysterics from the withdrawal symptoms. I wish I was strong enough not to keep doing this. I wish I was strong enough to keep my need for him from manifesting itself as burden on him. But how can I when it is such a burden on me? Too much of a burden for me to carry alone.

And knowing him, he has backed himself into a corner. He stepped up and said ok I'll handle this. And he pushed everyone else away. And he forced us all to live with his decision. And I know that despite some initial resistance, his family has accepted his decision. So now he can't complain. He has to be strong for all of them. His mother leans on him. His siblings lean on him. His father is mostly his responsibility in everyway. Basically he wanted to take over and he has.

But me, I'm his wife, I should have been the one person he always has to lean on. And I haven't been. I was so unsupportive of his decision that there was no way he was going to complain to me either. He was too busy listening to me complain and defending himself.

And he has reacted by distancing himself, disengaging, keeping me at arm's length. Which has only made me feel and act worse.

Slowly over the last few months I've had a change of heart. I've seen some things happen that have changed my mind.

So I tried to reach out to him. And got no positive response. Payback for not doing it as soon as he thought I should have? Lack of faith in my ability to keep it up, in that he can infact rely on me? Maybe a little of both. But now I finally seem to have made a breaktrhough.

So then what? Are we condemned to keep turning in this vicious circle with very brief and increasingly less frequent periods of calm like the one we're enjoying now?

I wish I can say I expect it to last. As much as it feels good when we are close, it's also painful because it just makes us want to be with each other more.

Speaking for me again, I think the answer is time. If it's going to be another one or 2 months then I think I can take it and behave myself and live up to all my present good intentions. But if it drags on and on, then I just don't know. Let's face it. I don't function well without him.

Would he bear with me when if and when I fail? He says yes. Would he not react by disengaging from the relationship? He responded to that by asking how I wanted him to react, what I expected from him.

What DO I expect from him? To stay with me, even if we're fighting. To give and take. To scream back if he needs to. To acknowledge my feelings. To reasssure me. To tell me why I'm wrong. To remind me of my good intentions. Anything other than to withdraw as if to say I'm not dealing with this, it's not a priority, if you're going to be that way then you're on your own.

I'm so tired of being on my own.