For the second time, I am pregnant.
For the second time, it is a shock.
I go to the doctor on an unrelated matter. And I hear about medications I should or shouldn't take at this stage in the pregnancy.
And I am asking: what pregnancy?
And getting a funny look.
For the second time.
And for the second time, I am feeling numb.
I should be happy.
I should be scared.
I should be so many things that I'm not.
I came home from the doctor's and went to sleep.
Then I woke up and watched TV for hours.
I never watch TV for hours.
I didn't see anyone. Or answer my cell - which is in my bag in the closet.
I haven't spoken a word since I heard.
It is stupid to feel so shocked.
When this is what I wanted for so long.
And after everything I did to bring it about.
And after all the fighting.
I guess because I have been trying for so long and nothing happened, I stopped expecting it.
I got used to thinking of myself as someone pregnancy doesn't happen to.
Better than thinking of my body as something dysfunctional that kills babies.
I am in my 5th week apparently.
Next week will be the 6th week.
My miscarriage happened in the 6th week.