Second Time

For the second time, I am pregnant.

For the second time, it is a shock.

I go to the doctor on an unrelated matter. And I hear about medications I should or shouldn't take at this stage in the pregnancy.

And I am asking: what pregnancy?

And getting a funny look.

For the second time.

And for the second time, I am feeling numb.

I should be happy.

I should be scared.

I should be so many things that I'm not.

I came home from the doctor's and went to sleep.

Then I woke up and watched TV for hours.

I never watch TV for hours.

I didn't see anyone. Or answer my cell - which is in my bag in the closet.

I haven't spoken a word since I heard.

It is stupid to feel so shocked.

When this is what I wanted for so long.

And after everything I did to bring it about.

And after all the fighting.

I guess because I have been trying for so long and nothing happened, I stopped expecting it.

I got used to thinking of myself as someone pregnancy doesn't happen to.

Better than thinking of my body as something dysfunctional that kills babies.

I am in my 5th week apparently.

Next week will be the 6th week.

My miscarriage happened in the 6th week.