Saturday, July 12, 2008

Love is Blind

I go off birth control. I don't tell him. I want to get pregnant even though I know it's not what he wants. And it doesn't work. Instead, I find myself in hospital with a really bad case of PMS.

I am disappointed and terrified that something is wrong with me and I'll never be a mother . I get angry at him for some reason. I shut him out, choose not to tell him I'm sick. I let him find out in an angry phone call from my parents who will always think he should be taking better care of me.

So what does he do? He is sweet and polite to my parents, completely charming them.

Then when we talk and the whole thing comes out, he tries to understand my pov. And barring that one phone conversation, he never brings up the issue again.

He doesn't ask me if I'm on anything right now. And he doesn't take precautions either. We never discuss birth control anymore.

I don't know what that means really.

Then I turn to retail therapy, max out my credit cards and get into debt. Serious Debt. Everyone tells me I'm being irresponsible. I tell me I'm being irresponsible.

And I don't tell him until things are pretty much out of control. He doesn't tell me that this is a bad time, that he's out of work etc....He doesn't say very much really. Just goes away for a couple of days and comes back to tell me that if we settle everything now, we'll save on interest and finance charges so we might as well. And so he does.

No lectures. No recriminations. Doesn't even ask me not to do it again. Doesn't seem to be at all worried I'll do it again. Still trusts me with everything he owns.

Of course, I won't do it again. I have learnt my lesson. Besides, shopping now means more stuff to pack and dispose of which is not tempting at all.

Only I never said that to him. And he never seemed to need me to.

Then I turn into this crazy party girl, out on the town every night til all hours. And again, he is the last to know. This time he does get angry. And he does ask me to stop.

But he doesn't think any worse of me for it. I don't see the value of that, until it is brought to my attention, that an awful lot of people do think the worst of me because of it, that there's been a lot of gossiping and talking behind by back.

Close friends are asking me if I want to ruin my marriage, do I know what my husband would think if he could hear all this stuff, that no man would put up with it, that he couldn't possibly still trust me etc....

So I tell him what I've been hearing. I decide I don't want it hanging over my head.

His only comment is to ask me for the names of the guys who have been talking about me. I ask him if he thinks I'm stupid. And the whole thing turns into a joke, with him trying to trip me up in conversation and get the names from me etc...and me saying how juvenile I think he's being etc....

Finally he comes out to see me - after months of being apart and me nagging at him to come and see me. And instead of jumping and screaming for joy and giving him a proper welcome like any sane wife would, I stare at him like an idiot and then fall asleep on him.

And he is not disappointed. It's almost freaky. Like he was expecting my reactions. Like he was with me the whole time, like he knew exactly what I'd been going through before he came.

Is love blind? Is that why even though he knows that I keep things from him, he never fails to believe me when I need him to, when I am telling it all? Is it why, when I can't think of excuses for myself, I find that he can? Is it why, seeing the worst of me, he keeps on believing the best of me? Is it why - when he and I have what everyone agrees are the worst communication patterns ever and don't talk nearly as much as we should about everything we should, leaving far too many things unsaid -we are still so close?

Is ours a relationship built on self-delusion? Is that what love ultimately is? Self-delusion?



Blogger Safiya Outlines said...

Salaam Alaikum,

I don't think this is because love is blind, far from it. He knows all of this is a reaction to him being away and he's just trying in his own way to lessen the pain for you.

Love is not blind, it just loves what it sees.

7/15/2008 03:58:00 PM  
Blogger Forsoothsayer said...

well, if the facts are truly as you relate them to be, he sounds like a crazy man to put up with some of this. Not the partying, a man who loves you would understand. Not that i think it's wrong, my best friend is married, happily, and she parties without her husband and with his full consent all the time.
BUT on the other hand some of the stuff you related about him makes me think of him as a pretty narrow minded chauvinist, so i kind of don't sympathise with him and his blind love. but dude, trying to get pregnant without your husbands consent, indeed in face of his warranted disapproval, is the sort of thing that could ruin a relationship. but i get the feeling that when your lives settle down a bit you won't want to act out as much.
sorry for the judgement, but you ARE putting your life out here.

7/16/2008 06:24:00 PM  
Blogger LouLou said...

In my family, it is absolutely taboo for a man to ever utter the word divorce. Or for a woman to ever go back to him if he does. I was taught to believe that nothing is lower than a woman who allows herself to stay with a man who has threatened her with divorce, that such women have no pride and simply do not belong in our family. I was also taught that if your husband does that it means he doesn't want you and has no respect for the sacred institution of marriage and is therefore a lowlife and you should dump him before he dumps you with 4 kids etc....

But my husband did that. More than once. And I let him. As in I backed down. And despite all effort, I couldn't even stay mad at him very long afterwards.

And yes, he is a chauvinist. And way, way too fond of having his own way.

This is not a relationship pattern that is consistent with any theory I ever believed in.

If a gf was telling me this about her Significant Other I know that I would have told her he was a chauvinist with no respect for her or for women in general etc....

But how can someone who has no respect for me tolerate what he tolerates from me and continue to think so highly of me? How can someone with no respect let me get away with so much that I hide from him BECAUSE I think there is no way he will tolerate it?

The only logical explanation is that like me, love has raised his tolerance level beyond belief. And he is secretly asking himself the same questions I am asking myself.

7/16/2008 09:43:00 PM  
Blogger Me said...

It seems to me that whatever happens... both of you reach out for each other for support at the end of the day... can't help but remember Allah's words :-)

{ومن آياته أن خلق لكم من أنفسكم أزواجاً لتسكنوا إليها وجعل بينكم مودة ورحمة،إن في ذلك لأيات لقوم يتفكرون} الروم 21،

And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts); verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.(30:21)

Insha Allah you manage to go through the tough times...and everything settles ba3d keda... take care :-)

7/16/2008 11:24:00 PM  
Blogger Jade said...

Yes Love is blind - but not forever.
I think you are taking him for granted. & when Love's been tarnished many times, it'll force his eyes open & it wont be so blind from then... & his tolerance will not be so readily available.

Be careful what you're pushing for.

I dont agree that he's a crazy man for putting up with you... & it's pretty sad to look at a man with so much patience, love & mercy this way. He just seems to be really wise & knows you, what's the point of fighting when you know that that's not really going to make anything better? I dont know much about your history, havent been reading you for long, so maybe am missing out on a lot of the facts, but for this post I tell you...

Why are you taking him for granted?

7/18/2008 12:04:00 PM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Taking him for granted? But he hasn't been around for me to take him for granted! That's the whole point.

Apart from 2 very brief visits, my husband and I have been living on different continents for almost a year now. Out of an almost 2-year marriage.

So I'm pushed to try and compensate for the 'feeling-good' factor I used to have when he was here with other things. Like obssessive shopping or partying or yes, having a baby. Anything to distract me from the fact that he's not here and the loneliness.

On another level, because I know he is such a control-freak, I guess a part of me keeps hoping that if I seem to go out of control, he will be driven to come back or at least visit more often. I know how much he hates not being in control of every situation he is in.

There have been times when he has been so focused on other issues over there that I've felt like he's forgotten I even exist. At those time, it has felt like I have to create a problem in order to get his attention. Even if it's negative attention. Any attention from him is better than none. I can't stand it when he ignores me.

Sad, no?

At the moment, I am still on a high from his last visit and the period of closeness right before it. So I am being good. And things are going well.

But I am like a junkie. I need my fix. If this seperation drags on, I know I'll start to freak out again. And the minute I start to freak out and the conversations start to get difficult, he will distance himself and cut me off again because he doesn't like difficult conversations. And then I'll get desperate and start 'acting out' - out of frustration and to get him to acknowledge my existence in his life.

It's a vicious circle.

I just pray to God that it will end soon.

7/18/2008 02:14:00 PM  
Blogger Jade said...

I hope it ends soon for you too darling...
But try to act out in ways that wouldnt hit a spot with him & make him distance himself more as you say... What I mean is - act out in a way that wouldnt break the trust between you, like over indulging in finances when it's already rough, or like having a baby without his consent, or whatever...

Surely the situation is unfixable at the moment & hard on you both... & trust is what's really keeping this marriage going if you are not sharing a life, or children.. Just dont loose that babe. I dont mean to over impose, I'm just saying this is what I meant when I said not taking him for granted.

Good luck to you.

7/19/2008 01:02:00 AM  
Blogger Hiro Creama said...

when will he be back? when are you going to see him?

7/21/2008 04:42:00 PM  
Blogger Um Naief said...

i would say that i agree w/ forsoothsayer on this. i think over time the lies will destroy the fabric beneath your relationship... how can someone lying all the time create happiness? how can happiness continue to exist when there are lies beneath it all?

i think trying to get pregnant w/out his knowledge is a really bad thing... why bring that kind of bitterness in to a life when you're raising a child? but i'll add this... many men are blinded by something in these parts... don't know what it is, but they seem to believe all the lies told to them... or are they in wait? are they really in love? i see these women doing this - know them - and i see how their husbands are w/ them...

i wouldn't do it.

i think game playing will cost you big in the long run.... karma is a bitch.... one way or another, things come back. why bring this crap into your lives???

7/29/2008 10:57:00 PM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Sometimes my mind goes to the fact that the reason he is in Sweden is that he doesn't trust any of his siblings to handle the family situation responsibly. He feels he has to be there and see to it himself.

And I think well maybe if he trusted me a little less, he would be here with me. At any rate it would have taken him more than 5 minutes to decide to leave me behind.

Big words like trust and respect, which are so important at saner moments now often feel empty and meaningless. At the risk of sounding shallow and desperate and pathetic, trust and respect don't keep me warm at night. Or help me get through the day without him.

And nothing makes me as desperate as the way when his mind is made up about something, he won't budge, won't even acknowledge anything I say or feel that doesn't fit in with his plans. I can't handle the way he can focus somewhere else and simply not pay any attention to me.

And so day after day, I feel crappier and crappier. Because I am forced to talk less about what I am feeling, I find myself thinking about it more. The more distant he is the more I obssess about him.

Because being straight-forward is not an available option, you start thinking of other ways out.

If I lied to him by omission it was because out of some vague sense of pride I didn't want to come out and say: hey look I can be irresponsible too so maybe you should be watching me so I don't get pregnant or create a financial crisis etc....Maybe you should give me more attention.

Which would be the truth.

Only it doesn't work because he sees through it. He knows what I'm trying to do. He knows how far out of control I can and will go. And he's decided I'm still manageable.

So what is my next move? Try harder to prove am not manageable? Much as I hate to think of myself as 'manageable' which is a euphemism for controllable, I think he may be right. I have done my worst. There really isn't very much further that I can push.

So I guess he wins.

7/30/2008 02:55:00 AM  
Blogger Um Naief said...

you know, i feel for you. i forget what it's like. altho, i wasn't w/out my husband for as long as you have been, it was still very difficult for me when i was in the states and he was in bahrain. i felt a lot of mistrust and didn't know where to turn. i think if i hadn't been w/ my family, i could have easily done many a thing that you have done...

but you know... i think it has all worked out and soon, i hope, you two will be reunited.

8/04/2008 02:16:00 PM  

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