Love is Blind
I go off birth control. I don't tell him. I want to get pregnant even though I know it's not what he wants. And it doesn't work. Instead, I find myself in hospital with a really bad case of PMS.
I am disappointed and terrified that something is wrong with me and I'll never be a mother . I get angry at him for some reason. I shut him out, choose not to tell him I'm sick. I let him find out in an angry phone call from my parents who will always think he should be taking better care of me.
So what does he do? He is sweet and polite to my parents, completely charming them.
Then when we talk and the whole thing comes out, he tries to understand my pov. And barring that one phone conversation, he never brings up the issue again.
He doesn't ask me if I'm on anything right now. And he doesn't take precautions either. We never discuss birth control anymore.
I don't know what that means really.
Then I turn to retail therapy, max out my credit cards and get into debt. Serious Debt. Everyone tells me I'm being irresponsible. I tell me I'm being irresponsible.
And I don't tell him until things are pretty much out of control. He doesn't tell me that this is a bad time, that he's out of work etc....He doesn't say very much really. Just goes away for a couple of days and comes back to tell me that if we settle everything now, we'll save on interest and finance charges so we might as well. And so he does.
No lectures. No recriminations. Doesn't even ask me not to do it again. Doesn't seem to be at all worried I'll do it again. Still trusts me with everything he owns.
Of course, I won't do it again. I have learnt my lesson. Besides, shopping now means more stuff to pack and dispose of which is not tempting at all.
Only I never said that to him. And he never seemed to need me to.
Then I turn into this crazy party girl, out on the town every night til all hours. And again, he is the last to know. This time he does get angry. And he does ask me to stop.
But he doesn't think any worse of me for it. I don't see the value of that, until it is brought to my attention, that an awful lot of people do think the worst of me because of it, that there's been a lot of gossiping and talking behind by back.
Close friends are asking me if I want to ruin my marriage, do I know what my husband would think if he could hear all this stuff, that no man would put up with it, that he couldn't possibly still trust me etc....
So I tell him what I've been hearing. I decide I don't want it hanging over my head.
His only comment is to ask me for the names of the guys who have been talking about me. I ask him if he thinks I'm stupid. And the whole thing turns into a joke, with him trying to trip me up in conversation and get the names from me etc...and me saying how juvenile I think he's being etc....
Finally he comes out to see me - after months of being apart and me nagging at him to come and see me. And instead of jumping and screaming for joy and giving him a proper welcome like any sane wife would, I stare at him like an idiot and then fall asleep on him.
And he is not disappointed. It's almost freaky. Like he was expecting my reactions. Like he was with me the whole time, like he knew exactly what I'd been going through before he came.
Is love blind? Is that why even though he knows that I keep things from him, he never fails to believe me when I need him to, when I am telling it all? Is it why, when I can't think of excuses for myself, I find that he can? Is it why, seeing the worst of me, he keeps on believing the best of me? Is it why - when he and I have what everyone agrees are the worst communication patterns ever and don't talk nearly as much as we should about everything we should, leaving far too many things unsaid -we are still so close?
Is ours a relationship built on self-delusion? Is that what love ultimately is? Self-delusion?