Can't do it. Can't do solitude. Yes I've read all the philosophical quotes about people who dislike their own company being shallow & empty etc....But I still don't enjoy my own company. Am a restless, nervous type personality & left alone would drive myself crazy.
I need people. And I must say am not choosy. I don't ask for unswerving loyalty or deep spiritual connections usually. Just be around. You don't even have to talk. Just breathe. Show some sign of life & am happy. Infact people who try to get too close too fast scare me.
Have been like this since I was a child. At home I use my room to sleep & change. That's it. Activities that everyone else likes to do in solitude I do with people around. You find all my books in the living room because that's where I read. And it's where I used to study. Or write. Or listen to music. Not locked up in my room. In the living room. With people moving & talking around me. You find my laptop in the living room too. That's where I blog or surf or work if I need to do that from home. I used to have a pc in my room but never used it. Ended up selling it. Am a laptop kind of person. I need something that moves with me. If there's no one at home then I'll take my laptop or my book or my discman & go out to sit somewhere in public where I can see people. If am ever locked up in my room then it's because am on the phone. Or because am going through some kind of crisis.Or am sick.
I'll socialize with anyone rather than be alone. I mean it. You could do me a really bad turn but if you call & catch me oneday when I can't find anyone else to hang out with I'll probably go out with you. I might not trust you. I might be pretty unpleasant company. But I will go out with you because you're still human company. The people you see around me are not always people I like or trust or even respect. Very few of them are. Sometimes I wonder what that says about me.
I know that I've come to care more about quantity than quality so to speak. I need lots of people in my life because no matter how wonderful one person is or how much they care about me they cannot be there to keep me company every second am awake. Especially considering the fact that I've never been much of a sleeper. They will still have their own life to live. So the answer is more people. That way there will always be at least one person around.
Of course having been like this all my life I can tell you I've had my share of bad experiences. When I was younger my family protected me, controlled who I could hang around with. Of course I resisted this. Can't remember how many times I had this conversation with my parents growing up. Why do you spend time with him/her?Because there's no one else right now. Still they managed to keep me sheltered from the unpleasant manifestations of human nature so to speak.
But once I was too old for them to manage that yeah I got burned. Again & again. I think it just made me more shallow. Out of self-defence I became this social butterfly - very superficial in my relationships. Just having fun. I still like people. I just don't trust them. I don't have very high expectations of anyone so I don't risk disappointment.I don't think I made many real friends as an adult. Apart from my husband & one or two other exceptions, the connections that matter today are the ones I made when I was a child - too young to have as many defences & walls as I do today. These are the people am most vulnerable to. Some of them don't care or appreciate but still they're like a bad habit I can't break. Maybe because I don't know how to replace them or to build something as deep anymore so I don't want to let go of what I have.
One of the reasons I hated the thought of leaving UAE is that I know so many people here. If I had moved to Morrocco how long would it have taken me to build a similar social network there?
My husband sometimes complains that I hang out with too many people I don't seem to know very much about, that everywhere we go I seem to know everyone, that am too friendly, too social. He gets jealous. Makes some people in my social circle feel unwelcome. And out of consideration for his feelings I try to cut back & keep a low profile for a while. But every now & then something in me snaps & I find myself telling him look you can't be there for me all the time. You say you need space. Fine. Have your space but I can't be alone. He says he hates to see me hurt or used or with people who aren't worth it etc...The same sort of thing I used to hear from my parents when I was a kid. And it's the same answer. I need protection from myself, my worries & fears more than I need protection from other people.
At my age you know yourself pretty well.Just wonder how easy it might be to improve now?I'd like to slow down a bit. Take time to get to know people one at a time as individuals. Make some real connections. Have more quality than quantity in my relationships. Practice trust, commitment etc....all those big words that intimidate me so much. More than anything I want to get along better with me. Is it too late?