Can't stop writing...
That is never a good sign with me. Blogging is the only thing I really feel like doing these days.
Feeling lonely and kind of lost. Why lonely?Because all of a sudden there are all these distances between me & everyone I can really talk to. Spending all my time around people I have to be polite & charming & entertaining around. Not that they don't matter. They do in their own way. Never thought there was anything wrong with fair weather friends. It's just that when it's not coming from inside you being bubbly is exhausting. So any chance I get I want to be alone with my laptop, taking a break.
So why all the distances?Some of it is not my fault. Two of my closest friends(D. & M.) are going through rough patches. They are busy with life & when we do meet I have to be strong for them. My own issues seem insignificant next to theirs & I know I'll be told that am lucky & should stop complaining.
My parents are so worried about me that I don't dare even give them a hint that am not totally over the moon. That migraine stuff really spooked my family. So much that it's getting on my nerves. Even worse if I look unhappy they immediately start blaming K. Which is weird because I've always been moody & high-strung. You'd think they'd be used to it. But I know that leaving me here is tough on my Mom. And they haven't known K. long enough to be comfortable about it. Am really tired of answering questions all the time about whether everything is ok & he's treating me well etc...
Bottom line is I have to keep the mask on at all times around my family. It feels like am being watched all the time. There's no privacy except alone in my room.
Then there is the Ramadan social whirl. Always guests for iftar or we're eating out. And am always expected to be the life & soul of the party. The organizer.The first one to arrive & the last one to leave.
It's all becoming such hard work because the fact is I do feel down - even if no one thinks I have a right to. It's a new experience for me - this being told what to feel.
Am sad - not just because he's not here. Because he left on such bad terms. And it didn't get any better. Everytime we'd talk it would somehow get worse. We'd both say a lot of stupid things & fight over everything.
At one point he said talking on the phone wasn't working & was creating misunderstandings so we should wait until he gets back & talk face to face. Which I took to mean he doesn't want me to call him anymore & so I stopped. Today he took his exam. Last night I really wanted to call to wish him luck. Was up all night agonizing over whether I should. Was so worried. And then I got pissed off. For heaven's sake the man is my fiance. We're legally married. Shouldn't we be past the stage where I am so unsure of my welcome that am afraid to even call him?Is this even normal?Do all married people live like this?
In the end I decided to sms. Sent him an sms & waited for a reply until I fell asleep. Nothing. Nothing all day today too. Until just after Iftar. An sms saying:"Just to let you know it went fine. I see you've been really worried."
Sarcasm. So now am the bad guy because I didn't call. When he was the one who suggested we shouldn't talk on the phone in the first place & didn't bother to reply to my sms for 24 hrs.
Ignored that. Went out for tarawee7. And then to a friend's house. Going back home at about 11:30 I stopped by the Co-op to pick up some stuff for Mom & ran into a friend of his. The guy had a lot of shopping & he doesn't have a car yet because he just moved here from Egypt & doesn't have his license yet. So I offered to give him a lift.
Of course K called while I was dropping the guy off & that turned into another issue. What was I doing giving the guy a lift when I only met him once in my life & did I know what time it was etc....I said excuse me you didn't mention before that you don't trust your friends. Next time please don't introduce me to people you don't trust. Basically it just turned into another argument. One-sided argument. I say a lot of things and he says inti shayfa kida?I say yes. So he says tayeb tisba7i 3ala khair.
His friend is not the issue. The issue is the current atmosphere. Anything would cause a fight now. We're both mad at each other. He's mad at me because he says he feels he's been very understanding & patient & supportive & am never satisfied. He says the more he gives the more critical & demanding I become.
And am mad because he won't communicate when something is wrong. I can't read minds. Sometimes I don't even know something pissed him off until ages later when he's totally lost it & is throwing accusation after accusation at me. The worst thing is when I realize he's been holding a grudge for sometime I think back to all the special moments we shared during that time when I was not holding anything back & realize that he wasn't with me in those moments. He was holding something back if he had a grudge. That hurts. It takes something away.
K. & I get along usually say 80% of the time. But when we do clash the clashes are never resolved. Things cool down between us for a while - like now - then we miss each other so we go back & act as if nothing happened. That's not my choice. Am the one who believes in communication & analysis etc....That's the way he wants it. I go along with it because basically when he stops being mad & turns on the charm I can't withstand him for long.
Now am worried about the future. Was I right to go along with it & not try to get him to change?Was it lazy of me to take the easy way out on this?
And another question. Does wanting more of him mean am not satisfied with him?Why does he take it that way?Is love something that you can ever get enough of?Does he want me to say ok fine you loved me enough you can stop now?