Thursday, October 13, 2005

Can't stop writing...

That is never a good sign with me. Blogging is the only thing I really feel like doing these days.

Feeling lonely and kind of lost. Why lonely?Because all of a sudden there are all these distances between me & everyone I can really talk to. Spending all my time around people I have to be polite & charming & entertaining around. Not that they don't matter. They do in their own way. Never thought there was anything wrong with fair weather friends. It's just that when it's not coming from inside you being bubbly is exhausting. So any chance I get I want to be alone with my laptop, taking a break.

So why all the distances?Some of it is not my fault. Two of my closest friends(D. & M.) are going through rough patches. They are busy with life & when we do meet I have to be strong for them. My own issues seem insignificant next to theirs & I know I'll be told that am lucky & should stop complaining.

My parents are so worried about me that I don't dare even give them a hint that am not totally over the moon. That migraine stuff really spooked my family. So much that it's getting on my nerves. Even worse if I look unhappy they immediately start blaming K. Which is weird because I've always been moody & high-strung. You'd think they'd be used to it. But I know that leaving me here is tough on my Mom. And they haven't known K. long enough to be comfortable about it. Am really tired of answering questions all the time about whether everything is ok & he's treating me well etc...

Bottom line is I have to keep the mask on at all times around my family. It feels like am being watched all the time. There's no privacy except alone in my room.

Then there is the Ramadan social whirl. Always guests for iftar or we're eating out. And am always expected to be the life & soul of the party. The organizer.The first one to arrive & the last one to leave.

It's all becoming such hard work because the fact is I do feel down - even if no one thinks I have a right to. It's a new experience for me - this being told what to feel.

Am sad - not just because he's not here. Because he left on such bad terms. And it didn't get any better. Everytime we'd talk it would somehow get worse. We'd both say a lot of stupid things & fight over everything.

At one point he said talking on the phone wasn't working & was creating misunderstandings so we should wait until he gets back & talk face to face. Which I took to mean he doesn't want me to call him anymore & so I stopped. Today he took his exam. Last night I really wanted to call to wish him luck. Was up all night agonizing over whether I should. Was so worried. And then I got pissed off. For heaven's sake the man is my fiance. We're legally married. Shouldn't we be past the stage where I am so unsure of my welcome that am afraid to even call him?Is this even normal?Do all married people live like this?

In the end I decided to sms. Sent him an sms & waited for a reply until I fell asleep. Nothing. Nothing all day today too. Until just after Iftar. An sms saying:"Just to let you know it went fine. I see you've been really worried."

Sarcasm. So now am the bad guy because I didn't call. When he was the one who suggested we shouldn't talk on the phone in the first place & didn't bother to reply to my sms for 24 hrs.

Ignored that. Went out for tarawee7. And then to a friend's house. Going back home at about 11:30 I stopped by the Co-op to pick up some stuff for Mom & ran into a friend of his. The guy had a lot of shopping & he doesn't have a car yet because he just moved here from Egypt & doesn't have his license yet. So I offered to give him a lift.

Of course K called while I was dropping the guy off & that turned into another issue. What was I doing giving the guy a lift when I only met him once in my life & did I know what time it was etc....I said excuse me you didn't mention before that you don't trust your friends. Next time please don't introduce me to people you don't trust. Basically it just turned into another argument. One-sided argument. I say a lot of things and he says inti shayfa kida?I say yes. So he says tayeb tisba7i 3ala khair.

His friend is not the issue. The issue is the current atmosphere. Anything would cause a fight now. We're both mad at each other. He's mad at me because he says he feels he's been very understanding & patient & supportive & am never satisfied. He says the more he gives the more critical & demanding I become.

And am mad because he won't communicate when something is wrong. I can't read minds. Sometimes I don't even know something pissed him off until ages later when he's totally lost it & is throwing accusation after accusation at me. The worst thing is when I realize he's been holding a grudge for sometime I think back to all the special moments we shared during that time when I was not holding anything back & realize that he wasn't with me in those moments. He was holding something back if he had a grudge. That hurts. It takes something away.

K. & I get along usually say 80% of the time. But when we do clash the clashes are never resolved. Things cool down between us for a while - like now - then we miss each other so we go back & act as if nothing happened. That's not my choice. Am the one who believes in communication & analysis etc....That's the way he wants it. I go along with it because basically when he stops being mad & turns on the charm I can't withstand him for long.

Now am worried about the future. Was I right to go along with it & not try to get him to change?Was it lazy of me to take the easy way out on this?

And another question. Does wanting more of him mean am not satisfied with him?Why does he take it that way?Is love something that you can ever get enough of?Does he want me to say ok fine you loved me enough you can stop now?

22 Comments:

Blogger haal said...

Dont attempt to change him and dont be changed. Just the best thing is to be normal. Just at ease.

My only thing is let go, Loul. Focus on the love. Forget about the little things. Forget about it all. Just love him and let him love u his way. Grudges or not. It will dissolve in the love that u radiates. Just if this 'love' for more is hurting, maybe just look into this love and identify what lies within. Could be that u feel something inside that you wish to share with him. Is it something like 'i really want to dissolve into you.'?

10/13/2005 03:57:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

haal,

"Is it something like 'i really want to dissolve into you.'? "

Yes thank you. I feel I want to keep losing myself in him. By losing myself I mean having no self-consciousness, almost no self-awareness because am so aware of him. No wondering if am making a fool of myself, no thinking self-defence, definitely no wondering if he really wants to be there or that he's thinking things I don't know about or that a part of him is closed to me.

If I've ever been satisfied in my life it was in those moments. But like we were saying over at your blog they are few & far between & I got so attached to them that it's agitating to be with him & not feel this intimacy.

I know it's not realistic to expect that it will always be like this between us. Most of the time I will be myself & he will be himself & there will be separation & all the other baggage - daily stress, insecurity, pride, personality clashes or basic stupidity. We'll be more or less separate in varying degrees.That is life.

But still I keep wanting more of the intimate moments. And when I get more I get more attached to them so then I need even more. Sometimes I think if only I can fast-forward my life between these moments.

It's not that am not satisfied with him. It's that am not satisfied with being separated from him. That's the restlessness in me sometimes that he senses & interprets to mean what does she want she is never satisfied etc....

10/13/2005 05:34:00 AM  
Blogger Twosret said...

Loulou,

Distance is hard especially around special occasions like Ramadan. Hopefully he will be back soon and may be it will be nice if you two have a rule to never depart or sleep upset from each other.

I think you need to keep your personal life with K. away from your family. You need to support him when it comes to your family especially if you are having problems. Privacy in marriage is so important, it is easy for you to get over humps in your relationship with k. because you both love each other. Your family on the other hand will hold grudges especially that they don't know him that well.

If he is taking an exam you need to be more understanding and supportive. When in conflict, even married couples struggle over how to handle a conflict. You are not alone in this.

I think you are very unlucky because all wrong incidents are happening at the same time. Giving the guy a lift was kind of you and obviously you did it in good faith but as a rule of thumb I don't think men in general are accepting to situations like this :) they get insecure and sometimes, you will have to give in and meet him half way in most cases.

You are absolutely right about communication it is very important and you need to help him to communicate better and speak up his mind even if you disagree with what he says.

The special moments you had were true and those small problems now are inflamed and exaggerated because of distance and stress.

Unfortunately you might have to use some crystal ball to do the guessing game in the future :) you are in the process of knowing each other very closely. First year of marriage is hard sometimes.

To get my mind off my personal worries and problems I think of huge problems like nature disasters, people who are very sick, unfortunate and people who are really suffering. It gives me satisfaction in my life, gratitude, and helps me to see how trivial my problems are compared to others.

I'm sure you will be fine.

10/13/2005 09:25:00 AM  
Blogger Charismatic Soul said...

Lou,
take it from a fellow taurean, we dont like to talk about things and have long discussions, usually the simplest thing satisfies us, but with no long conversation.

you insist on knowing and talking about it, and he just decides its not time for whatever reason.

i cant compare your reltionship to my almost non-exisitng one, but i am to previous experience, let him have his way sometimes especially when there is tension in the air, and since you're smart enough, learn how and when to make him WANT to listen, all it takes is a few tactics and a nice dinner at some where fancy with you looking your best and smelling good ... believe me, it worked every time ;)

I know things are not just that simple, but believe me, if you show him that you understand what he's going through (even if you think that he isnt going through anything tough or just isnt going anything at all) things will be much calmer.

Make him feel wanted ALL the time, and not because he told you lets not talk till we meet face to face, you go off and do it, that will piss him off more hence the sarcastic SMS.

Good luck lou, i can imagine how diffcult it is what you're through.

10/13/2005 02:12:00 PM  
Blogger doshar said...

ma3lesh loul. it is tough. the stress of an unresolved fight. you can't just go through the motions of life 3ady, as if nothing happened. bas howa he had an exam.

whatever is important in one's life, during exams, somehow it takes a back seat, esp. for him, he is very into his work.

my guess he would lighten up now that the exam is over.

i know it is tough with your parents, but you are doing the right thing not showing them. to leave you here with him, they have to be sure that he is great with you. but don't strain yourself with being the heart of the event. it is too much for anyone, trouble existent or not.

yalla rabbena ma3aky. quran might help you calm down by the way.

10/13/2005 04:12:00 PM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Twosret,

"It gives me satisfaction in my life, gratitude, and helps me to see how trivial my problems are compared to others."

But doesn't it depress you?I know this and this together managed to ruin a whole day for me. So did the London bombings.

10/14/2005 12:12:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Chari,

"all it takes is a few tactics and a nice dinner at some where fancy with you looking your best and smelling good ... believe me, it worked every time ;)"

Yeah that worked for me once.

Thanks for the Taurean advice. For sure I have to think of something when he gets home. I'll go crazy if I don't. Id3eeli.

10/14/2005 12:19:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

doshar,

"my guess he would lighten up now that the exam is over."

You really think that's what it was?Yarab.

10/14/2005 12:20:00 AM  
Blogger Charismatic Soul said...

Lou,
"Thanks for the Taurean advice. For sure I have to think of something when he gets home. I'll go crazy if I don't. Id3eeli. "

you're very welcome, anytime :)
rabena ma3aki dear, wish every thing turns out to the best for your sake.

10/14/2005 01:16:00 AM  
Blogger Nightlegend said...

You talked first about feeling disconnected with the people around you ,including your friends and family ,that's normal for many reasons ,you may have used to a certain level of understanding or concern from your fellow bloggers and so when you don't find the samelevel in the real world you feel alienated ,or it can be really that your closes friends is no longer the same as before ,don't try to blame yourself for everything.

Another point is that you talked about (Having to keep the mask) ,I guess this maybe because you don't want to show your inner feelings or problems ,I don't know if this is your nature or not cause I am new to your bog and din't read your previous posts yet ,but why you are doing this anyway? ,if you feel tired ,annoyed or sad then it's no good hiding that from the people around you even if they are expecting you to be the shining star always ,why you still keeping this mask as you called it? ,you may have more emotions and understandings from the people around you if they feel what you really feeling inside.

Ad now to the other part about your fiance' ,well from my past experiences I can say that one of the most unhealthy actions for any relationship is that ending the arguments sharply and stay for long time without calling ,I never done that cause it makes things so much worse ,meaning that if Iam in love with someone and we end the call due to an deep argument(I never hang up myself cause it's not a polite thing to hang up on a lady) it's no more than minuets and in the worst cases no more than hallf an hour and we call again ,it doesn't matter who calls first and we may stay for long time on the phone without saying anything till ice starts to melt ,what ever happens later doesn't matter even if it's blaming or arguing again but in anyway it's better than not calling each other for days or week as many people do.

Don't worry about the future for the time being cause it's still early to do that ,you have first to keep trying to change him ,it's the baisc in any relationship that both parts tries to understand each others cons and pros and try to change all the possible changable cons in order to surviving life ,and as you were asking if this is not natural I say this is natural and it doesn't ever mean that you are not satisfied with him ,cause you are doing that because you love him and when we love someone we want this person to be the best person in the universe ,we can take people for their cons but everything has a limit and somethings needs to be changed.

Last thing don't worry ,he won't say (you can stop now) ,he is just a stubborn guy as it seems ,he has to be changed and stop making those absences when he you are in argument ,you have to tell him to stop doing that.

10/14/2005 06:06:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Nightlegend,

Blogging has some advantages over talking to people offline.

1)My blog is always there - anytime - day or night. Don't have to wonder if it's free or if it's a good time or if it's in a good mood or if am keeping it awake when it wants to sleep or if it has enough problems of its own.

2)My blog lets me finish. Sometimes you want to say everything you want first before you're interrupted with questions or suggestions or criticism. My fellow bloggers only comment after they've heard me out to the end.(Thanks guys. You're the best.)

3)What I write here doesn't come back to haunt me later. It's forgotten when I want it to be.

4)My blog doesn't try to interfere or get involved in my problems. It doesn't act over-protective & try to defend me. I can vent & maybe listen to some good advice & then go to sleep without worrying something more will happen.

Isn't it like that for you too?

"if you feel tired ,annoyed or sad then it's no good hiding that from the people around you even if they are expecting you to be the shining star always ,why you still keeping this mask as you called it?"

Because being a 'shining star' is my normal state. Am usually very social. Am the one who gets the ideas for gathering people, who organizes things, who likes to play hostess, who calls everyone who can make it & who can't & coordinates etc...So people expect it from me. If I don't do it, if am quiet & always home in my room everyone knows something is very wrong & starts asking questions.

About my fiance well I agree with you. I hate this disconnecting stuff because it does cause problems to drag on & last longer than they should. Besides I miss him.

Thank you for visiting & for sharing your thoughts.

10/14/2005 01:54:00 PM  
Blogger roora said...

Loulou, that ,must be hard! I know how it feels when you are engaged or supposed to be normal to call and you should not! well the sms thing was perfectly right

I can tell you something out os a similar experience when i and my ex were disagreeing , he just shuts down and he doesnt want to communicate about it . so the best thing when i look back as it is important to discuss things and put some basis that you can wait until the mood is ok and you both become in good terms ..and then you select the right time and the right way to discuss a thing that really matters ! we rabena m3aki

10/15/2005 01:15:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

roora,

"I can tell you something out os a similar experience when i and my ex were disagreeing , he just shuts down and he doesnt want to communicate about it"

You too?It must be a male thing. Yesterday my friend was telling me I should be happy that he shuts down & doesn't loose his temper & shout & swear like her husband.

Didn't make me feel much better. Must say I much prefer that he make himself available even if he wants to shout & swear.

10/15/2005 07:43:00 AM  
Blogger roora said...

Loulou, that is funny , my best friend used to tell me the same exactly that she prefers that he doesn't communicate about what bothers him rather than her husband's attitude who used to get nervous and shout !

I believe that each has its own disadvantages but being some sort of average in any of these both attitudes is fine ...I mean as long as these clashes and these miscommunications don't happen regularly then it is fine... and try to communicate with him later about the things that upset you , like you did before when you told him about your worries which were not in the spur of the moment , it was in the convinient time.

10/15/2005 01:10:00 PM  
Blogger Wonderer said...

Dear loulou,
Try to calm down things between you two.
"K" seems to be a good person, don't lose him. The percent of 80% is very good.
I just want to tell you something, don't be mad at me plz:) "K" is very predictable, I knew his reaction even before I reach your line. I don't know, maybe because he resembles my husband in his reactions!! Anyway, you should have called him on his exam "ma3lish, ta3aly 3ala karamtik shiwaya", his reaction concerning this matter was very predictable. Also, concerning his friend, matiz3alish meny, you were wrong, I know you wanted not to be rude with the guy... but still "to hell" what really matters is "k's" feelings. My advice is to forget the past week troubles and remember his good traits:)))
Best of Luck dear,

10/15/2005 06:38:00 PM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Wonderer,

"Try to calm down things between you two. "K" seems to be a good person, don't lose him."

7abibti I know you mean well but please, please don't say the words 'lose' & 'K' in the same sentence. Especially not tonight. As it is am tense & worried enough about tomorrow that I doubt I'll get any sleep tonight. I didn't worry this much the night before our first date and I still didn't sleep a wink.

10/16/2005 01:30:00 AM  
Blogger Me said...

Been out of touch for a while and it seems so much is happening!!!
Loulou ya gameela ... I second Do on
"my guess he would lighten up now that the exam is over" .. hope that's what it is ...
and by the way it is a thing about some men to keep quiet when they get upset as Roora said
"just shuts down and he doesnt want to communicate about it "
my ex was like that too !!

I think you should "try" and calm yourself down a little so that you aren't a nervous wreck by the time K gets back tomorrow inshAllah... problem is you're such a warm, passionate person.. I know you won't be able to stop thinking ... but then again I guess that's one of the things he loves about you :-)
Rabena m3aki

10/16/2005 02:43:00 AM  
Blogger Me said...

PS.off topic.. was your birthday the past few days? If so hope it was a "Happy Birthday" :-)

10/16/2005 03:28:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Meme,

Welcome back. Nawarti:)

Well it's 3:48. Too late to sleep now. Might as well wait for the prayer.

"think you should "try" and calm yourself down a little so that you aren't a nervous wreck "

Am going to look terrible. Pale & tired with dark circles under my eyes etc... You think this might make him feel a little guilty & be nice to me?

Or I could just put on tons of powder & concealer & blusher. Which is better?To look good or to look pitiful?So many decisions to make, so little time.

About my birthday it's coming up on the 24th. Now that I told you I expect you to remember. Or else.:)

10/16/2005 03:59:00 AM  
Blogger Wonderer said...

Dear loulou,
forgive me, walahy walahy walahy, I didn't mean to bother you. Zai mat2ouly geet aka7alha 3ametha:)) Please forgive me,
rabina ye.7aliko leba3d.
lessa za3lana meny?:)))

10/16/2005 04:38:00 PM  
Blogger Me said...

Hey Loulou ...hope things went fine ya gameel.. tamneena asap ...

10/17/2005 05:32:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

wonderer,

La mafi za3al wala shi. I was just so 3ala a3sabi that night so when I saw that word I couldn't see anything else in what you wrote:)

10/18/2005 02:09:00 AM  

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