Tuesday, January 22, 2008


He's changed.‎

He's thinner. It shows on his face. ‎

He's let his hair grow – longer than I've ever seen it. ‎

His beard, too. He officially has a beard now. Not a temporary, can't-be-bothered-to-‎shave beard.‎

Last time, I saw him, that first glimpse was freaky because of how much he's ‎changed. ‎

The rooms didn't have numbers in the motel where I was staying. When he arrived, he ‎had trouble finding the room on the instructions he got at the reception. And no, they ‎don't send anyone up to lead you to your room or help you with your luggage. They ‎let you find your own way.‎

So I went out onto the corridor to wait for him. Saw him coming up the stairs. We'd ‎been talking on our cells while I tried to lead him to me. When he saw me, he hung up ‎and stuffed his cell in the pocket of his coat. ‎

I'd been in mid-sentence. ‎

Trivial but K never hangs up on me. And he always lets me finish. I didn't know how ‎to take it. Was he mad at me for making him come? For worrying him? Or was it just ‎that he couldn't see the point of talking on the phone when we were face to face?‎

It made me nervous. I stood there & watched him climb up two flights of stair, with ‎no idea what to say or do when he finally reached me. So I didn't do anything. I just ‎stood there staring at him, letting him take the lead I guess.‎

He said hi, kissed me – once on the mouth and once on each cheek. No hugging. ‎Minimal body contact. So he WAS angry. ‎

I wanted to scream and tell him he had no right to be angry with me. Or cry and ask if ‎he wasn't at least glad to see me. Or something.‎

Then he was taking off his coat. Without thinking, I held out my hand for it. Force of ‎habit – taking care of his clothes, that is. When he handed it to me, two things ‎immediately became apparent. One, I didn't recognize the coat. Two, it smelled of ‎smoke.‎

More changes. ‎

It didn't stop there either. He's been drinking, too. I could smell it on his breath.‎

Funny, I used to say I'd never get involved with someone who drinks, that I couldn't ‎bear to kiss someone with alcohol breath. I do hate that smell.‎

Now I know it's going to take a lot more than that to make me not want to kiss him ‎every chance I get.‎

Especially when he comes to me looking like he's been through hell. And especially ‎when there's so little time.‎

The trouble with long-distance is that things happen & people change. And if you're ‎separated long enough, you risk becoming strangers to each other.‎

I wonder if I seemed so different to him too?‎

Will ask him.‎

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Sunday, January 20, 2008

So Not Pregnant

وتقدرون فتضحك الأقدار،،،،

I guess it only happens when you're not planning and are on birth control. Or maybe just my luck.

And it's not even like he's around and we can try again anytime soon. (

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Saturday, January 05, 2008

It's really odd how

1) When seperated from my husband, all my memories of our time together are suddenly happy ones. Even when I KNOW that things weren't always easy, that it's not - and will never be - all sugar and spice and that there have been times when he was right next to me and I passionately wished him at the other end of the world.

It's odd because I have never been the forgiving type. I mean that. I've never been one to forget a grievance so easily.

2) How two of your best friends get married and you find yourself in hysterics on their wedding day because you can't get rid of the feeling that in a way, you've lost them both, that things will never be the same with either one of them.

Isn't it odd how you know you should be happy for them but you can't help feeling sad?

3) How the job where you had to work the hardest to get accepted, where it took years of effort before anyone made you feel in the least bit welcome or valued means more to you than any other potential job where people are friendly, respectful and are treating you like the Employee of The Year before you even joined them?

Why do I hate the idea of leaving my present position so much?

I don't even LIKE the people I work with that much. I'm not friends or social with any of them.

4) How I sometimes fight so hard for something then when it becomes attainable, start having second thoughts about it?

Last time we saw each other, my husband didn't seem too bothered about birth control, even though this time, he knew I wasn't on anything either. He seems resigned to - if not excited about - the idea of being a father now.

And well, I might be pregnant as we speak. And that knowledge, without the added burden of dreading his reaction to the news, is not as liberating as I was expecting. It's rather scary. The thought of being pregnant - and alone - with no husband and no family is scary.

Go figure!

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Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Happy New Year Everyone!

I was angry. The fact that am not allowed into the country my husband lives in was getting to be too infuriating - especially as with the National Day holiday, the Eid holiday, Christmas & New Year's all coming up one after the other, I was going to have a lot of holidays. And having a lot of holidays without him?

So like I said, I was angry. Even when I tried again and he refused point-blank to fly out to see me even though I knew that his siblings and their families would be coming home for the holidays so it's not like his parents were going to be alone. I really don't like my new place in his list of priorities, I don't.

We fought & fought about it. And then we stopped speaking for a while.

Left to my own devices, I just kept getting angrier and freakier. I started to feel like we're not even together anymore, like I had no hold on him.

One day, sitting at the bank flipping through my passport, I noticed a valid visa. Not for Sweden, for a neighboring Scandinavian country. It was a visa I'd gotten a few months back for work reasons. Then I had ended up not travelling after all. But it was still valid.

I don't know what came over me. I told no one at work. I did not tell my family or my friends or anyone. I just bought a ticket online. And the very next morning, I was on my way to the airport. I watched corny movies on the flight out and eventually fell asleep.

When I woke up, we'd arrived. Everything went so smoothly. No problems getting through customs or immigration. The only problem was that of course I was in no way properly attired for the weather. I was dressed for UAE.

But getting a taxi from the airport was no problem. But a taxi to where? I'd forgotten to book a hotel.

Even that went fairly smoothly. The cab driver spoke good English. I explained the problem. He drove me to a few hotels but they had no availability. So we tried a couple of dodgy-looking smaller motels and the second one had a room available.

So that was sorted. Then I sat down to think. Why was I there? Because I was hoping he'd come out to see me if I was closer to him than UAE? How stupid! For one thing, he wasn't even speaking to me. For another, if he says he won't leave his parents then UAE is pretty much like anyplace else. And third, what if he can't get a booking?

So I didn't call him. I went out exploring by myself. And when that got too cold and depressing, I walked back to the hotel, had some rather unpleasant soup for dinner and went to sleep. Again.

My phone started ringing at night. It was my friend and co-worker M. I didn't show up for work so she would have dropped by my house to check on me in the evening and getting no answer, she'd be trying to call me.

I didn't answer though. Didn't know what to say. Then the calls just kept coming. My manager, my uncle, friends, my bank.

Each time, I just watched it ring and then stuck it back under my pillow.

It wasn't until late in my second evening alone in a strange city that my husband started to call. I knew what happened. My friends would have been afraid to tell him I was missing. They'd have tried everything else first.

It was like I didn't need to speak to anyone. I already knew what was going to be said. And why.

The anger was gone at that point. I was just numb. I did not give a damn.

Eventually though, I did answer my phone. And I told him where I was. And he did come out to see me. And despite a slight tension in the beginning, it was everything I hoped for and more.

We ARE still together. Very much. And for the first time since he relocated, I believe inside me that I can do this long-distance thing. I can survive. We can survive. For the first time, I truly see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Leaving him was hard. But even then for me, it was a very, very Happy New Year. I think for him too. I think he needed a break even more than me.

The craziest thing I've ever done. And it turns out it was the right thing to do.

I hope it will be a wonderful year for everyone!

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