My husband woke me up at about noon a little before Friday prayers to ask if I was coming to the mosque. Told him no, that there wasn't enough time for me to get ready & why didn't he wake me before.
Went back to sleep for a little while. Then I got up thinking I might as well pray on time. No point in missing the fard just because I missed the sunna.
I remember feeling fresh, hyper, in a great mood. Prayed, had some cereal. Then I got a call from the dry-cleaner's. Just informing us that our clothes were ready to be picked up. Called my husband to see if he wanted to get them on his way home. He was getting a haircut. So I thought I might as well go. Felt like getting out.
On my way back I suddenly felt like a walk. That happens to me a lot when driving by the new Corniche. It is so beautiful & the weather is so lovely these days. So I called him, told him I was out walking on the Corniche & that he should join me there when he's done. He said fine. Parked the car, walked for a bit, then I decided I might as well make it a good run since I was wearing my sneakers.
I don't know how long I was running before it happened. Not too long. All of a sudden I felt this gripping, excruciating abdominal pain. The cramp lasted only a few seconds then it was gone. But it was such a shock. Never felt anything like that in my life before. Sat down for a while to see if it will happen again. It did. Only worse. So I got up & tried to walk back to my car. But the pain was so bad I knew I couldn't make it. Gave up on it & just hailed a cab & asked him to take me to the emergency room.
I had a miscarriage. 6 weeks. I was 6 weeks pregnant & I didn't even know. Never expected it because we had no such plans so soon. Yes I've heard that nothing is 100% effective but still I kept thinking there must be some mistake. Was just staring at the doctor telling me things like the 'pregnancy terminated itself'. What pregnancy?
They said that I wouldn't need any treatment, that my body seems to be recovering normally. They'd already given me something for the pain. He said that he wants to admit me for a few hours for rest & observation. Then the doctor asked if there was anyone I wanted to call.
That was when I noticed that I didn't have my cellphone with me. Must have dropped it somewhere on the Corniche. Together with my car keys. And even my purse was in the car. All I had was some money in my pocket. Also remembered that my husband would be going crazy looking for me.
Told the doctor I needed to call my husband. He looked relieved. Considering the fact that I came in off the street with no identification looking like a vagabond & not even knowing that am pregnant he must have thought I was a prostitute or something. And extra-marital pregnancy is illegal in UAE.
But I didn't call him. I fell asleep as soon as the doctor walked out. When I woke up it was 7:30 pm & he was there. Standing talking to the doctor. I said his name & he came over & took me in his arms. He asked how I was feeling. I said fine but I didn't want to talk. He said ok but the doctor wants to keep me overnight for observation. I said no please I want to go home.
So he brought me home. And I told him I want to be alone. I was in bed staring into space & crying for 2 hours. He keeps coming in to check on me so often it's driving me crazy.
I know we have to talk but I don't want to. Don't want to say it or hear it said out loud. Don't want to believe it. I never said a word to the doctor either. Never asked a single question about my 'condition'. A little while ago I noticed my laptop on the bedside table & well I've read everything about miscarriages that Google could find. Still doesn't seem real. Yeah I have the symptoms. The pain & bleeding. But I can't believe I lost a baby today. A baby I never knew anything about except that he died & that I have pain & bleeding. It's stupid & I just can't understand this or begin to imagine how or what I feel or should feel here.
Today was the loneliest day I ever lived.
Labels: Health Crisis, Marriage, Motherhood