Annoyances
My mother is coming today. She should be arriving sometime this evening. Mixed feelings. I accept that this is something she needs to do for her own peace of mind. She is very worried about me. She's been in constant contact with me & with my husband & she's also been speaking to my doctor. But she feels it's not enough & she wants to see me for herself. Of course am always happy to see her. I miss them. But I find myself not expecting too much from her. Don't know if this means am finally grown up or what but this isn't like when I was little & I would get into fights in the playground & hurt myself & then go running to her so she can fix me up. She can't fix me up this time. I'm too shattered. I don't know what can fix me really. Time maybe.
Last night I spoke to my oldest brother. He & his wife have been calling everyday to see how am doing which I really appreciate. Both my older brothers have shown a lot of support & concern etc....However what I didn't appreciate was his reaction when I told him that Mama would be coming here today. He just went on & on about how I have to be responsible, that I can't alarm her like that & can't keep her flying back & forth all the time because she's not getting any younger etc...Now my brother has always been short-tempered & furthermore he has this naturally loud voice so he sounds like he's yelling even when he's not. And am not at my most patient these days so this quickly turned into a pretty bad fight.
First of all I think I have every right to have my mother come to visit me ESPECIALLY when I'm going through the most traumatic experience of my whole life. Second I did NOT NOT NOT mean to worry her! We made a point of not telling my parents anything at all until we were sure that I was recovering & would not be needing surgery. If I was going to have surgery we would only have told them afterwards precisely because I had no wish to worry them. And whenever I speak to them I always say am fine. I NEVER complain. Third I never asked her to come. Infact I did everything possible to convince her it's not necessary. Fourth we are going to take good care of her & make sure she's perfectly comfortable here. It's not like she's going to be put to hard labor in the fields for heaven's sake. Finally my mother is in perfectly good health (el7amdullilah). She was working 14 hour days until only a couple of months back. And just because she turned 60 & retired is no reason to start treating her like some invalid or confine her to her bed! Who does he think he is to make me feel so guilty? She's my mother too! How dare he suggest that I have less concern for her than him?
Basically I was LIVID. Just couldn't settle down for ages afterwards. When I did cool down a bit I started to worry. Why was he acting like that? Does he know something I don't? Is something wrong with my mother that I haven't been told? Was just fretting & fretting about that & suddenly my husband - who I guess couldn't take it anymore - picks up the phone & calls my brother, tells him that am not feeling well & that if he's going to upset me then he shouldn't call anymore etc........And they end up having an argument too. Great. Perfect. Just what I needed.
Called my sis in tears because I thought I could trust her to tell me the truth. Asked her if my mother has been sick or anything. She said no. Spoke to my father too & made him swear that she is ok. Felt better. Baba would never swear billah if it was not true. Then my mother called me laughing & promised that when she gets here I can take her to the hospital & have her checked out for heart disease & cancer & bird flu bilmara, telling me that me & my brother are both silly & should wait until she's dead before we start to cry over her etc....
Managed to calm down after that. And to calm my husband down too. He was still pretty angry. Getting worried about him too. I noticed that he's been blowing his top & getting into a lot of fights at work these days which is not like him at all. It's also not like him to be yelling at nurses or be a jerk to everyone generally.
Earlier yesterday he was out picking up my car (which was stolen because we left it parked on the Corniche for like a couple of days btw but the police managed to find it abandoned with some parts missing.). At some point on his way home he called to check on me & I couldn't believe how furious he was getting over traffic. Swearing, using the wheel as a punchbag to the point that he came home with bruises on his hands & arms. Ya3ni am usually the one freaking out over traffic & other people's bad driving while he's laughing at me for getting irritated by little things & telling me I should try driving in Cairo(no thanks)! This isn't like him. He's a very patient, careful driver usually. When I pointed that out he started complaining about all the paperwork & burearocracy & stupidity they put him through at the police station when he was getting my car. What can I say? He's becoming like me. It's not the traffic or the burearocracy that is upsetting him & we both know it. He said:"Rabena yi3adi elyomain dol 3ala khair." I just find myself repeating that prayer.
And just so I let it all out, something else that got on my nerves yesterday. My friend M.( the one who named her daughter after me & my best friend together with D.) has been coming over everyday, cooking for me, bringing me presents, trying to make me laugh etc...basically staying quite a while usually. Yesterday I noticed that she hasn't been bringing baby LouLou with her. And I happen to know that she never does that when her children are so little. She feels bad enough about leaving them with nannies & going to work all day so she takes them everywhere if she's going out in the evenings. Besides I wanted to see the baby. I love that kid. So I asked her why she doesn't bring her. She got uncomfortable & started fidgeting & mumbling about not wanting to upset me etc....So now my lifelong schoolfriend, college friend & now work colleague thinks I've turned into such a psycho that I can't stand the sight of her daughter.
Yesterday & today I find that my mood has changed from numb & listless to angry. I walk around not tolerating anything or anyone & I keep wanting to scream or say horrible things in reply when people say nice things to me. Maybe I have turned into a psycho.
Labels: Family, Health Crisis, Marriage, Motherhood
posted by LouLou @ 8:18 AM
14 Comments:
ma3lesh ya loulou, it does seem these days are a bit tough for you and K, but they will pass be kheir ISA, just do not let go of zikr Allah. it really calms people down.
as for the anger, this is a natural phase of reacting to an emotional trauma. esp. with K, because i do not think he has taken out his feelings properly. he has probably trying to act normal for your sake, or for the sake of being strong.... so it is just building up inside him, and he needs to let out some steam here and there.
it will get better ISA soon.
take care.
Dear Loulou,
I don't think ur brother meant any of this , it's just that men's reactions are based on logic and usually prefer to take the tough way of handling situations , he probably has put himself in ur place and figured that he'd rather suffer alone than share his pain with others(from his viewpoint).
But dear,it's not a shame to need others compassion and emotional support , esp. from ur mum , she doesn't need u to call her to know u need her , she's doing it cause her heart can't rest without being beside u , even though she's sure u r physically alright and took all the medical procedures .
As for ur anger , it's very natural , a person goes thru 5 stages when faced by a tragic event .
First is Denial ( unable to accept the whole thing) , after that comes Anger , then Depression , then Self Blame , and finally Acceptance.. so don't rash urself , and don't get stuck in any of them.
Your friend M doesn't think u r a psycho , she just feels bringing her child will make u more sad because it'll remind u of ur loss , she's afraid to hurt u or cause u more pain..i'm pretty sure of that.
Lou, God bless u and help u through.
Loulou, K is tense because you are not talking to him and he worries about you. I know it is difficult for you but pls share with him, he will feel better , and then you will feel better. Women are usually more resilient then men.
Dear Lou Lou,
Every thing you are feeling is perfectly normal. Please don't tell yourself how you "should" be reacting or feeling. Please let yourself go through these grieving process. You are not a psycho. You lost a child and even if you weren't aware of the pregnancy it was a loss all the same. It doesn't matter whether you were six weeks or six months pregnant. It will take time to accept this. My love and prayers are with you and your husband during this sad time.
Loulou,
Try to team with K. you are both one and I'm sure he is not feeling well too. He needs your support and I think if you share with him and bring him into your world you both can strengthen each other and face anything in this world including this loss.
I think your family loves you very much. You said your brother does have a temper so his reaction is normal and being himself, distance is not in your favor being away from your family is not easy. Your mother's visit is an excellent idea.
Your friend is very sensitive and thoughtful I'm pretty sure she didn't mean to offend you in anyway. Sometimes people don't know how to act best in some situations.
I will pray for you and K. to accept God's will and peace of mind and heart. Please try to pray as much as you can.
Lou lou, my heart goes out for you and everything, but let me put on my insensitive hat for a minute and tell you what I think bluntly without you getting mad at me, ok?
What happend to you sucks and all, and I will probably never know what it feels like because a) I am not married, 2)I never intend on having kids and 3) I am a guy. I get all that, but that won't make my advice to you any less valid, and that advice being:
GET OVER IT!
Get over it now, quickly, while there is still time. Even if you are not over it, pretend to be over it, for your marriage's sake. I may not have the full picture here, but from what I am getting from the picture you are providing, your relationship is imploding over this. Over a miscarriage of a baby that you didn;t even know existed till it got miscarried. Is that really a good reason for all of this to happen? For all of this pain and suffering that you are putting yourself and your husband through?
Listen, it sucks that this happend, but from what I am gathering you guys didn;t even plan on having a baby. This wasn't in the equation, so there is no failure there. Ma sha2 allah fa3al. You didn't have any planning or control over happening then you had when it came to losing it, so why are you doing this to yourself? And why are you putting your husband through this as well?
Can you imagine how he must feel about this? Nevermind how he may feel about the miscarriage for a second. Here he is, his wife that he loves very much has just been through a medical crisis that could've killed her but luckily didn't and left her 100% healthy, and he can't even hold her in his arms without her drawing away from him. Hell, she won't even speak to him about it. I wouldn;t be surprised if he thinks that you partly blame him for getting pregnant in the first place, as stupid as that may sound. And you wonder why he is now all angry and frustrated?
What happend sucked loulou, but it wasn;t your or his fault, so stop taking it out on yourself and him and GET OVER IT. This chasm doesn;t have to exist ya benty. If anything, the 2 of you need eachother more than anything right now. So please, stop staying in this rut and reach out to him right now before this problem causes any permenant damage between the 2 of you.
That is all. I understand I may sound like an insenstive jerk, but I am doing it out of concern for you. I Hope you feel better soon.
Dear Loulou,
If it makes yo ufeel any better , my sister had 2 miscarriages before she got her 2 sons. She was devastated at the time, but now the memory of these 2 miscarriages is distant and not painful at all. Actually, she now feels the silver lining of this cloud is that she had more time at the beginning of her marriage to focus on building her relationship with her husband rather that get immediately into the grind of raising a baby. Believe me, I know that first hand: my wife got pregnant after 4 months and your life is completely uprooted when you do have a baby. The focus is completely taken away from you and your loved one and is sooo shifted to taking care of the baby's needs. Accept God's will and focus on what matters at this stage: you need to nurture the relationship with your husband, discover the deeper sides of what both of you are about, and try to enjoy the time that you have with each other without the distractions and obligations that will come with a baby. God has made the decision, just accept it. I hope my words don't upset you, but I say this with your interests in mind
Ina al 3aina latadma3 wa ina 3ala forakika ya Ibrahima lama7zounoun... I think that was what Prophet Muhammed said when his son Ibrahim died. You are allowed to feel pain, you would not be normal if u did not. U can cry, it helps, but my advice is cry in the arms of your husband. Even if u want to scream scream but as he holds u. Sand monkey was not being insensitive, i believe he said it all.
LouLou, fe3lan kadara Allaho wa ma sha2a fa3al, non the less, it does not lessen the pain u are going through and your are allowed that pain, but do not let it ruin your relation ship with your beloved husband as sand monkey advised you. He is also probablly grieving, it was his child too.
Rabena insha'Allah hayarzoukek bel zoreya al sali7a, bas takabaly qadaa Ellah. It is very difficult regardless of the fact that u were not even aware of it, and maybe that was God's way of protecting you. Maybe if you knew earlier, you would have been in a much worse situation than what you are going through... maybe that baby was not going to grow normally, many maybe's. But if you want my advise, khaly 3andek hosn zan Bellah ya Lou.
May God give you and your hubby the strength through this time. ethkory Ellah, ala bithikri Ellah tatma2eno el qulub.
What your hubby is doing is because he probablly loves you so much and is worried for you, and do not forget the loss is not only yours lou, it is his too, but I think his concern is more for you and your feelings now.
Your brother... sorry to say, but just ignore it, do not let it bother you for too long, you even mentioned his ways are not exactly the normal ways. at the same time try not to hold a grudge..
God bless your mother and your father... Allah yekhalihomlek ya loulou.
your friend ... well it is just that now u are extra sensitive, but i am sure maybe she thought seeing the baby will really make you sad... nothing more ...
Young woman, Insha'Allah everything will be ok. Some times we need to think of other people's losses and how these losses came about to help us be patient and thankful to Allah in all cases. You are in a much better situation than other people ya loulou, and wallahi i am not belittling your pain, because now i am sure it is you and only you. But the strong lou lou i have come across before should be strong in this too. Not saying no sadness or grief, but self control and due thanks to Allah for everything. 3al kadar khayrihi wa sharihi.
Take good care of your self and open the door and let your husband back in... please. He needs you lou, definitely he does and you do too. Allah ye7fahkom leba3d we yeb3ed 3anko el shar kolo insha'Allah.
Salaam Loulou,
Don't worry too much about your brother, it's common for siblings to try and prove "I'm the better son/daughter" to each other, even at the most inappropriate times, it happens a lot in my family. So I tend to view it as that rather than see it as a personal attack on me.
People never know how to respond in these situations, so try and be patient with them (easier said then done, I'm sure).
Finally, feelings of anger frequently follow feelings of shock, insha Allah these will pass too.
Remember Allah doesn't give us burdens greater than we can bear and after every difficulty comes relief.
Time always passes, you will both get through this, insha Allah.
doshar,
"ma3lesh ya loulou, it does seem these days are a bit tough for you and K, but they will pass be kheir ISA, just do not let go of zikr Allah."
Thank you. I'm trying to hold on to that thought.
Rain,
"I don't think ur brother meant any of this , it's just that men's reactions are based on logic and usually prefer to take the tough way of handling situations"
Whatever it was, he just picked a bad time to do it. They were giving me this stuff during the wedding too. That she's working too hard, that she's not getting any rest blah, blah...Ya3ni I let my mother do everything the way she wants for the wedding. I hardly interfered at all. I certainly didn't ask for anything. It wasn't my fault that I had to work in a different country until the last minute so I couldn't do everything myself. And what's more, she had a great time.
My brothers get too protective/jealous/whatever of my Mom & I guess I just wasn't in the mood for it.
Violet,
"Women are usually more resilient then men."
I've been quoting you on that.:)
Twosret,
How have you been?
"Your friend is very sensitive and thoughtful I'm pretty sure she didn't mean to offend you in anyway. "
I know. Don't worry. I didn't say anything mean to her. I wanted to but I didn't. I do appreciate what she is doing. But she'd better bring her kids if she wants to come over again!Am not having her abandoning them because of me. I have enough to deal with without that.
SM,
You are nothing if not blunt. I'll give you that. But I appreciate that you mean well. I especially appreciate this:
"Here he is, his wife that he loves very much has just been through a medical crisis that could've killed her but luckily didn't and left her 100% healthy"
This is a valuable insight. He mentioned once that when he couldn't find me that day he spent several hours thinking something really bad must have happened to me. I didn't give that aspect of it much thought because from my perspective this wasn't about me. Yeah on the way to the hospital I was scared I was dying of internal bleeding from a burst appendix or something but I forgot that the minute I heard the word 'miscarriage' & became fixated on this baby. I guess I also forgot how he must have felt. So thank you for reminding me.
You're right. It's hard for a guy to understand so am not going to go into any longwinded explanations. You still wouldn't get it & it wouldn't do me any good to rehash it.
Don't worry am not stuck in a rut. Not anymore. I have ups & downs. Hopefully with a little more time there will be less downs. I just tend to blog more when am down. And meanwhile you've scared me enough that I will try to make more of an effort with him. I do love him.
Global Cairene,
"Accept God's will and focus on what matters at this stage: you need to nurture the relationship with your husband, "
You're right. And that was our plan. There are a lot of practical reasons besides wanting to enjoy our time together. He works two shifts. I have to travel for work. We don't have family here. We don't even have reliable house help yet. Ya3ni if am going to leave my baby with someone she can't be a complete stranger. She has to be someone we've had for a while & trust. It's something that would need a lot of arrangements & preparation.
If I had a choice I definitely would not have chosen to get pregnant. Bas sub7anallah it happened. And even though it was not a good time to have a baby it still hurt a lot to lose one. I couldn't help that.
Dallula,
"What your hubby is doing is because he probablly loves you so much and is worried for you, "
The best & worst thing about marriage is this almost total lack of privacy. The connection & the closeness is great but it means you can never go through anything on your own. Everything you think or feel or do affects your partner. You can't think like a person anymore. You have to think & feel like a couple all the time. That takes some practice & some getting used to. At least for me it does.
I thought that by not going on about it forever & not dumping on him I was protecting him & not taking it out on him. Instead it seems to have created a chasm & made him feel rejected or something. So now I have to think again.
Thanks for all your good advice. El7amdullilah I haven't completely lost sight of my faith. Like I said I have ups & downs.
Safiya,
"Don't worry too much about your brother, it's common for siblings to try and prove "I'm the better son/daughter" to each other"
Yeah I know. Sibling rivalry. Am not worried about that anymore. It's great to have her around.
God that was one long comment!
Loulou,
I'm doing OK thank God and moving in 4 days to another State. I'm here for you anytime, I changed my e-mail address and will e-mail you the new one.
Please take care of yourself and thanks for asking you are such a sweetie.
ATC,
"You'r not a Psycho but you are definitly human so stop kidding yourself for you know how bitter you will feel when you look at any baby from now until you have your own."
I'll be much more bitter if everyone I know suddenly starts hiding their children away when they see me ya ATC. That's not natural & it won't help me get over anything.
"Btw, elhamdella 3assalamah for your mom.."
Tislameeli 7abibti. Thank you.:)
girl, salamtek. stop worrying so much about what other people think. you have every right to hole up in bed and be crappy and not want to deal with and be nice to people, even family. take your time and read comic books. and there will be other, planned for, babies.
Shereen,
Thanks.:) Especially for the comic book tip.
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