My mother is coming today. She should be arriving sometime this evening. Mixed feelings. I accept that this is something she needs to do for her own peace of mind. She is very worried about me. She's been in constant contact with me & with my husband & she's also been speaking to my doctor. But she feels it's not enough & she wants to see me for herself. Of course am always happy to see her. I miss them. But I find myself not expecting too much from her. Don't know if this means am finally grown up or what but this isn't like when I was little & I would get into fights in the playground & hurt myself & then go running to her so she can fix me up. She can't fix me up this time. I'm too shattered. I don't know what can fix me really. Time maybe.
Last night I spoke to my oldest brother. He & his wife have been calling everyday to see how am doing which I really appreciate. Both my older brothers have shown a lot of support & concern etc....However what I didn't appreciate was his reaction when I told him that Mama would be coming here today. He just went on & on about how I have to be responsible, that I can't alarm her like that & can't keep her flying back & forth all the time because she's not getting any younger etc...Now my brother has always been short-tempered & furthermore he has this naturally loud voice so he sounds like he's yelling even when he's not. And am not at my most patient these days so this quickly turned into a pretty bad fight.
First of all I think I have every right to have my mother come to visit me ESPECIALLY when I'm going through the most traumatic experience of my whole life. Second I did NOT NOT NOT mean to worry her! We made a point of not telling my parents anything at all until we were sure that I was recovering & would not be needing surgery. If I was going to have surgery we would only have told them afterwards precisely because I had no wish to worry them. And whenever I speak to them I always say am fine. I NEVER complain. Third I never asked her to come. Infact I did everything possible to convince her it's not necessary. Fourth we are going to take good care of her & make sure she's perfectly comfortable here. It's not like she's going to be put to hard labor in the fields for heaven's sake. Finally my mother is in perfectly good health (el7amdullilah). She was working 14 hour days until only a couple of months back. And just because she turned 60 & retired is no reason to start treating her like some invalid or confine her to her bed! Who does he think he is to make me feel so guilty? She's my mother too! How dare he suggest that I have less concern for her than him?
Basically I was LIVID. Just couldn't settle down for ages afterwards. When I did cool down a bit I started to worry. Why was he acting like that? Does he know something I don't? Is something wrong with my mother that I haven't been told? Was just fretting & fretting about that & suddenly my husband - who I guess couldn't take it anymore - picks up the phone & calls my brother, tells him that am not feeling well & that if he's going to upset me then he shouldn't call anymore etc........And they end up having an argument too. Great. Perfect. Just what I needed.
Called my sis in tears because I thought I could trust her to tell me the truth. Asked her if my mother has been sick or anything. She said no. Spoke to my father too & made him swear that she is ok. Felt better. Baba would never swear billah if it was not true. Then my mother called me laughing & promised that when she gets here I can take her to the hospital & have her checked out for heart disease & cancer & bird flu bilmara, telling me that me & my brother are both silly & should wait until she's dead before we start to cry over her etc....
Managed to calm down after that. And to calm my husband down too. He was still pretty angry. Getting worried about him too. I noticed that he's been blowing his top & getting into a lot of fights at work these days which is not like him at all. It's also not like him to be yelling at nurses or be a jerk to everyone generally.
Earlier yesterday he was out picking up my car (which was stolen because we left it parked on the Corniche for like a couple of days btw but the police managed to find it abandoned with some parts missing.). At some point on his way home he called to check on me & I couldn't believe how furious he was getting over traffic. Swearing, using the wheel as a punchbag to the point that he came home with bruises on his hands & arms. Ya3ni am usually the one freaking out over traffic & other people's bad driving while he's laughing at me for getting irritated by little things & telling me I should try driving in Cairo(no thanks)! This isn't like him. He's a very patient, careful driver usually. When I pointed that out he started complaining about all the paperwork & burearocracy & stupidity they put him through at the police station when he was getting my car. What can I say? He's becoming like me. It's not the traffic or the burearocracy that is upsetting him & we both know it. He said:"Rabena yi3adi elyomain dol 3ala khair." I just find myself repeating that prayer.
And just so I let it all out, something else that got on my nerves yesterday. My friend M.( the one who named her daughter after me & my best friend together with D.) has been coming over everyday, cooking for me, bringing me presents, trying to make me laugh etc...basically staying quite a while usually. Yesterday I noticed that she hasn't been bringing baby LouLou with her. And I happen to know that she never does that when her children are so little. She feels bad enough about leaving them with nannies & going to work all day so she takes them everywhere if she's going out in the evenings. Besides I wanted to see the baby. I love that kid. So I asked her why she doesn't bring her. She got uncomfortable & started fidgeting & mumbling about not wanting to upset me etc....So now my lifelong schoolfriend, college friend & now work colleague thinks I've turned into such a psycho that I can't stand the sight of her daughter.
Yesterday & today I find that my mood has changed from numb & listless to angry. I walk around not tolerating anything or anyone & I keep wanting to scream or say horrible things in reply when people say nice things to me. Maybe I have turned into a psycho.