Friday, February 17, 2006

My husband woke me up at about noon a little before Friday prayers to ask if I was coming to the mosque. Told him no, that there wasn't enough time for me to get ready & why didn't he wake me before.

Went back to sleep for a little while. Then I got up thinking I might as well pray on time. No point in missing the fard just because I missed the sunna.

I remember feeling fresh, hyper, in a great mood. Prayed, had some cereal. Then I got a call from the dry-cleaner's. Just informing us that our clothes were ready to be picked up. Called my husband to see if he wanted to get them on his way home. He was getting a haircut. So I thought I might as well go. Felt like getting out.

On my way back I suddenly felt like a walk. That happens to me a lot when driving by the new Corniche. It is so beautiful & the weather is so lovely these days. So I called him, told him I was out walking on the Corniche & that he should join me there when he's done. He said fine. Parked the car, walked for a bit, then I decided I might as well make it a good run since I was wearing my sneakers.

I don't know how long I was running before it happened. Not too long. All of a sudden I felt this gripping, excruciating abdominal pain. The cramp lasted only a few seconds then it was gone. But it was such a shock. Never felt anything like that in my life before. Sat down for a while to see if it will happen again. It did. Only worse. So I got up & tried to walk back to my car. But the pain was so bad I knew I couldn't make it. Gave up on it & just hailed a cab & asked him to take me to the emergency room.

I had a miscarriage. 6 weeks. I was 6 weeks pregnant & I didn't even know. Never expected it because we had no such plans so soon. Yes I've heard that nothing is 100% effective but still I kept thinking there must be some mistake. Was just staring at the doctor telling me things like the 'pregnancy terminated itself'. What pregnancy?

They said that I wouldn't need any treatment, that my body seems to be recovering normally. They'd already given me something for the pain. He said that he wants to admit me for a few hours for rest & observation. Then the doctor asked if there was anyone I wanted to call.

That was when I noticed that I didn't have my cellphone with me. Must have dropped it somewhere on the Corniche. Together with my car keys. And even my purse was in the car. All I had was some money in my pocket. Also remembered that my husband would be going crazy looking for me.

Told the doctor I needed to call my husband. He looked relieved. Considering the fact that I came in off the street with no identification looking like a vagabond & not even knowing that am pregnant he must have thought I was a prostitute or something. And extra-marital pregnancy is illegal in UAE.

But I didn't call him. I fell asleep as soon as the doctor walked out. When I woke up it was 7:30 pm & he was there. Standing talking to the doctor. I said his name & he came over & took me in his arms. He asked how I was feeling. I said fine but I didn't want to talk. He said ok but the doctor wants to keep me overnight for observation. I said no please I want to go home.

So he brought me home. And I told him I want to be alone. I was in bed staring into space & crying for 2 hours. He keeps coming in to check on me so often it's driving me crazy.

I know we have to talk but I don't want to. Don't want to say it or hear it said out loud. Don't want to believe it. I never said a word to the doctor either. Never asked a single question about my 'condition'. A little while ago I noticed my laptop on the bedside table & well I've read everything about miscarriages that Google could find. Still doesn't seem real. Yeah I have the symptoms. The pain & bleeding. But I can't believe I lost a baby today. A baby I never knew anything about except that he died & that I have pain & bleeding. It's stupid & I just can't understand this or begin to imagine how or what I feel or should feel here.

Today was the loneliest day I ever lived.

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23 Comments:

Blogger Libyan Violet said...

Salamtek ya Loulou I am so sorry for your loss. Inshallah rabi will make it up for you very soon. I know you don't want to hear platitudes, but I think that nature has a way of selecting and this baby was not meant to be . But it will make you stronger and also maybe it was just a message your body was sending you that you cannot be as spontaneous as before...I'm not sure what I'm saying here ...only that I do understand and know how you are feeling. Hang on there ..hugs Violet

2/18/2006 12:57:00 AM  
Blogger GC said...

Salamtik alf salama. I will be praying for you.

2/18/2006 03:20:00 AM  
Blogger Safiya said...

Salaam, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I will make du'a for you and your husband.
Take care and don't be too hard on yourself.

2/18/2006 06:11:00 AM  
Blogger Me ® said...

i'm so sorry for ur loss ... take care of urself o inshallah t2oomi bel salameh

2/18/2006 08:04:00 AM  
Blogger aroundtheclock24_7 said...

Best wishes for fast recovery w Allah y3awad aleiki bil kheir ya rab ;) Loulou, I really mean it when i say that please please please if you need anything let me know ;) I would be more than glad 3anjadd :) Salamteik alf Salama. Loads of hugs and kisses and blesses ;)

2/18/2006 09:54:00 AM  
Blogger Nerro said...

Alf salama 3aleki, hope you feel better soon. remember ya Loulou; everything happens for a reason :). Take Care.

2/18/2006 01:39:00 PM  
Blogger Alina said...

Lou, I am really sorry for your loss. I can only immagine how bad it must have been. I have a friend that went through the same thing this summer but she is a lot better now. I am sure time will make it better, but try not to keep yourself apart from the people who love you. That will make it a lot worse. Take care of yourself!

2/18/2006 02:36:00 PM  
Blogger MoonLightShadow said...

I'm sorry to read about that.. Salamtek alf salama, hope you get well soon isA.

Be rest assured that God will make it up for you. It wasn't meant to be this time, but isA next time everything will be fine.

Take good care of yourself.

2/18/2006 03:20:00 PM  
Blogger Rain said...

OMG!
I'm terribly sorry to hear that...I just hope this accident dosn't have any effects in the future , if so , then don't worry dear , isA God will compensate u better than this time.

I can understand ur feelings , i almost cried ...

You know , sth like that happened to my aunt shortly after she got married , she lost a baby she didn't even knew about !! she was in the early weeks like u , but al7mdolellah after that she got pregnant again twice .. so don't worry ... a piece of advice is to have strong faith in God , my aunt's reaction was strange , she was very strong and whenever we called her she'd act like it's not big deal and she's very content with what God has destined for her , i think what made it easier for her is that she didn't plan for the baby , which means she wasn't putting high hopes , just a gift from God and he took it back, but after that He compansated her.

I hope u feel fine soon , please let us updated.

2/18/2006 04:12:00 PM  
Blogger Wonderer said...

hi loulou,
I have sent you an email. Please check it.

2/18/2006 07:17:00 PM  
Blogger The Sandmonkey said...

aww..

salamtek ya gameel!

*hug*

2/18/2006 11:45:00 PM  
Blogger None said...

awwwwwww loulou... salamatik! I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm almost speachless here. Inshallah Rabina yi3awadik.

2/19/2006 03:58:00 AM  
Blogger Twosret said...

Dearest Loulou,

Salamtek habibiti :(

Please don't use google as a source of information. Please find a doctor to answer your questions. Please find a good OBGYN to give you reassurance. Doctors in the US will tell you not to announce your pregnancy before 12 weeks because a lot of pregnancies doesn't last more than few weeks.

I wish I was closer to be of a support to you. I will keep you in my prayers and I'm sure you are young, strong,and healthy.

I will be praying for your husband and for peace in both your hearts.

T.

2/19/2006 06:53:00 AM  
Blogger Me said...

Alf salama 3aleiki ya Loulou... w ya Rab t2umi besalama ...

I don't know what to say other than I know you are strong enough to get through this inshAllah and that you have the faith to be "radya beqada2 Allah"...maybe it just wasn't time yet... Rabena Howa elli ye3lam...

"La illaha illa Allahol 3atheemol 7aleem, la illaha illa Allaho Rabol 3arshil 3atheem, la illaha illa Allaho Rabol samawati wa Rabol ardi wa Rabol 3arshil kareem"

Take care of yourself 7abibty...

2/19/2006 10:00:00 AM  
Blogger haal said...

Dearest Loulou,

My heart ached reading your post. I have nothing to say. Salamtek. Please take care of yourself. Things happen. We are not perfect after all.

Please be well.
Love,
H

2/19/2006 11:47:00 AM  
Blogger tota said...

alf Salama ya Loulou ... u have to remember 2n dah howa 3omro wi rabena katib lo keda
so none was able to do anything towards that, try to let K approach you more, this way both of you will feel better ISA

2/19/2006 04:51:00 PM  
Blogger doshar said...

salamtek ya loul. rabbena ya3awwad 3aleiky enty we K ISA. do not worry though... first pregnancies miscarry very often, and with no trouble for later pregnancies either. Al hamdulillah that you are fine. And Al hamdulillah that this happened before you knew, or got attached to the baby in anyway. just a7tasiby the baby 3ind Allah, we Rabbena ya3awadek kol kheir ISA.

2/19/2006 05:14:00 PM  
Blogger Bint Alshamsa said...

Marhaba ya Loulou,

I am very sorry that you lost your baby. I had a similar situation with my miscarriage. We didn't find out until I was miscarrying. There's one thing that I want to tell you. How ever you decide to view this loss is okay.

Even though you didn't find out until afterwards, you may still find yourself feeling an attachment to this unborn child. Sometimes it helps to perform a memorial for the baby. Giving the baby a name and going to a river or lake and throwing some flower buds into it as a remembrance of your loss might work for you...or feel free to do whatever feels right to you and your husband. If you find yourself wanting to talk to someone who has also been through it, feel free to put a comment on my blog and we can e-mail each other. Get lots of rest and be very kind to yourself right now, ochti!

wa salaam

2/19/2006 07:00:00 PM  
Blogger Mohamed said...

Darn.. you must be feeling terrible. No matter how much you hear of miscarriages and how common it is, I'm sure it is totally different when it happens to you. Hope you and K help each other to go through this and be the support you need for each other.

2/20/2006 01:51:00 AM  
Blogger Cliche~ said...

The impression i got from ur post was a general feeling of "numbness"...there is no feelign that you "should" feel,,, there is no single way in which ur supposed to react. Just try to listen to whatever ur feelings say, express them, let them wash over u inside out,,,in whichever way u feel like expressing them...just remember not 2 let dictate ur mind dictate how ur supposed to feel... EXPRESS n this too will pass...promise:)

2/20/2006 02:32:00 AM  
Blogger Jane said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Lou Lou. I've been there.

2/20/2006 04:55:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Everyone,

Thanks so much for all the support. You guys are so cool. Love you all. It's great to know that you have so many friends & well-wishers.

To my new or less frequent readers, I hear about fickle, fair-weather friends who show up only when times are good. I guess you guys are the opposite of that because you're turning up when things are so grim. Which is cool. Thank you.

Difficult times but I'm struggling on somehow. Please wish me luck & keep me in your prayers.

2/20/2006 02:41:00 PM  
Blogger roora said...

Dear Loulou, salamtek ya habibty , it is God's will afterall , and it is not your mistake because you were not planning and therefore you were not taking your precuations. EnshaaAllah you will have another one soon ISA.

Keep on praying " انا لله وانا الية راجعون ، اللهم ائجرني في مصيبتب واخلفني خير منه"

This is a prayer that the prophet peace and prayers be upon him told us to say , in such situations.

2/20/2006 09:06:00 PM  

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