Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Normal

It's too big for the two of us to live in - this apartment. Why do we need all these rooms? We don't. A one-bedroom would have been enough. This is too big & cold & empty & lonely. This is such a lonely house now. It's strange how this unborn child - a child who never lived here - who was never even expected here - and yet he leaves all this space. I swear the house feels like someone who lives here just died. Does it feel that way to you too? I don't know. I don't know how you feel. We can't seem to come together, to talk. We're each in our own corners. And this time the distance is my fault. Can't blame you. You try all the time.

And why am I thinking he?Why not a she?I don't know. Just a feeling. I keep picturing a little boy.

I get tired of walking around from room to room. And cold. I want to go back to bed but first I want to know where you are. Are you even home? So I pretend am going into the kitchen & on my way there I look in the living room. There you are. Reading. You ask if I need anything. I say no am fine. I get myself a glass of water because I have to look like am getting something. Then I go to bed & sleep.

When I wake up it's dark outside. And you're sleeping next to me. But you're not really sleeping. I can tell from your breathing. You just have your eyes closed because you felt me move & you don't want me to leave or ask you to leave. You don't want to leave me alone anymore. Or maybe you don't want to be alone anymore.

I turn on my side so my back is to you. It gives a little distance. Then I ask if you're asleep. You say no. Your tone is wary, challenging, as if you're asking me what am going to do about it. I have no answer. I lie there listening to our breathing for a while then I roll over into your arms. You catch me. You ask does it take that much thinking about.

It's actually physically painful to be hugged or squeezed these days. My entire body feels like a swollen limb. Something about fluid retention. Even my face is swollen. It's not unbearable pain. Just an overall sensation of soreness & discomfort. Not very cuddly. In addition to the occasional cramp of course which IS unbearable pain & definitely uncuddly.

All normal they tell me. Infact am so normal am told that unlike most women who miscarry I won't need a D&C. My scans are almost clean by now. That means they don't have to operate to remove the remains of the baby from inside me. And they tell me that like it's good news. Am supposed to be pleased. What can I say? Not very warm & cuddly.

But now you're holding on pretty tight. And it does hurt a little. But not as much as I was afraid it might. And the contact is good. Reassuring. I tell you that. And you say good, that's normal.

Normal. That word again. It makes me want to scream. If am so wonderfully NORMAL then why didn't I keep the baby? I swear if I hear that word one more time....But am swearing in silence. I don't say anything.

I am so cold. I register that am wearing so many layers, socks & am under the covers & still cold. Am always cold these days. And your bare skin feels hot. So which one of us is normal? I put my hands on you & you comment that am freezing & you get up to turn the AC off. Then you come back. Am wondering if I stay will I stop feeling cold or will I make you feel as cold as I am? Just like I ask myself all the time if I talk to you will you make me feel better or will I just hurt you?I know you're waiting. You want me to say something. Ask a question. Answer some of your questions. You think it's crazy that it's been 5 days & I still won't talk about that day - that the thing we both think about all the time we can't talk about so there really isn't much talk.

I close my eyes, hide my face against you & pretend to fall asleep. Then I feel your fingers in my hair moving my head back so you can look at me. Now it's you looking at my face & I have my eyes closed & am not sleeping. And we're right back where we started.

You give up & let go & I go back to my hiding place. This time it's not across the house or across the room or even across the bed. I'm hiding in you from you. Damn but am getting good at hiding.

I don't relax though until you're asleep. For real this time. And am safe for tonight? Safe? What kind of sad, sad world am I in now that lying there sleepless & alone for hours has become my idea of safe? And how normal is that?

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11 Comments:

Blogger Alina said...

Lou, take it easy. What happened is far from being normal, no matter how normal your reaction to it might be! I am glad to hear you do not need any further surgery, that is even worse I hear.

I hope you will feel better soon. As for K, when the time is right and you are finally able to talk to him, you will settle everything. After all, it was a great loss and is's only been five days! Stay strong and don't lose your hope and optimism!

2/21/2006 12:27:00 PM  
Blogger bosbos said...

i think that might be the first time i comment at ur blog i was a silent observer..

but I felt like I need to talk to u now.. im so sorry for ur lost I know what ur going through but please try to communicate more with K and be sure that if u talked it out u will make both of u feel better
u wont hurt him by talking about it vise versa he's hurt now coz he feels helpless and useless im sure he dose coz that’s what u feel when u find the one u love in pain and u cant do anything about it
plus that what u should do for each other share everything good and bad and specially in bad times like these
and when u finally get out of ur chest u will feel a lot better believe me

im sure and im sure that after ur recovering u'll be ready to have a baby so don’t postpone it again I think what happened was a sign from god to tell u that ur ready to have a baby now
rabina hay3awadek insha2alla

2/21/2006 02:42:00 PM  
Blogger Me ® said...

you shouldn't be to hard on urself. I know it has been very hard for u but what bosbos said is true, u should get it off ur chest instead of burrying it inside.. it would make both of u feel better. reach out for him instead of hiding and everything will get better insh'Allah.
take care & God bless.

2/21/2006 08:07:00 PM  
Blogger Rain said...

Dear Loulou,

It was a very huge loss and tough time , but why are u feeling guilty?? u didn't do anything wrong...what happened to u even though it's very sad and hard from outside , i'm sure it has a deep meaning and a truth underneath for u to discover.
u r not yet ready to talk, u'll talk when u r ready ..but don't push K away , just let him beside u even if u won't talk , he must be suffering just like u , and it adds tons to his suffering to watch u like that without being able to do anything.

What about contacting ur mom?? maybe she will help .

2/21/2006 10:52:00 PM  
Blogger MoonLightShadow said...

Lou, as much as I'm affected by how you are feeling as much as I can't fine proper words to say.

And, as much as I'm affected, I guess it comes nothing beside how you and K are feeling.

You both need each other. It shouldn't be talking. Share your silence. It helps. Make him feel that he is of use, and make youself rely on him. Don't be hard on yourself, you don't feel like talking don't. You feel you want to talk, do. Don't worry about hurting him, you will not.

Whether what you are passing through is normal or not makes no difference. It is a certain phase that you are passing through, for a reason that only God knows.

Wish I can do anything for you, but I'll always keep you in my prayers.

2/22/2006 12:06:00 AM  
Blogger roora said...

loulou, you are very sensitive ya habibty , all I am asking you is to try to help your self to get out of this . and elhamdAllah ou didnt know about and you were n't emotionally attached. YOu were not even planning my dear. It is all God's will , 3sa an akraho shay2an wa howa khayron lakom

enshaaAllah you will have babies who fill up your home ,. that you feel it is not really big enough:))

Try to open your heart and mind to K and try to overcome it , Rabena m3aki ISA

2/22/2006 02:32:00 AM  
Blogger Jane said...

Lou Lou, I have been where you are right now, the confusion, the greiving, the unexpected...If I can be of any help at all if you just want to talk, I'll be here. Just stretch out your hand dear. We could email or chat or even speak on the phone. Whatever you need. Take good care of yourself. We are with you.

2/22/2006 07:52:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Alina,

"What happened is far from being normal, no matter how normal your reaction to it might be!"

I know. This is why being told am normal just grates on my nerves. I don't feel normal at all. I guess when people say it they really mean normal 'under the circumstances' or normal for someone in my condition - which just enhances the sense that am living in some kind of crazed virtual reality. A parallel universe where things that would normally be horrifying are somehow aaceptable or even good news.

bosbos & Me ®,

"that what u should do for each other share everything good and bad and specially in bad times like these"

"I know it has been very hard for u but what bosbos said is true, u should get it off ur chest instead of burrying it inside.."

That's what I used to think and say too. It's strange though how when you come to apply this concept in real life it's not as easy as it sounds.

When you love someone you feel protective of them so when you have a lot of bitterness & pain & negativity inside you worry that if you let it out you will get them down. One of us has to stay strong & positive. We can't both break down. I would just hate to 'infect' him - to make him as weak & wounded as I see myself lately.

Rain,

"It was a very huge loss and tough time , but why are u feeling guilty??"

Yeah there is a guilt. No explanation for it really. It's just there.

"What about contacting ur mom?? maybe she will help ."

My parents know. My husband called them. Mama calls me all the time but she is so far away. What can she do? Again is it fair to dump on her & worry her?

Moon,

"Don't be hard on yourself, you don't feel like talking don't. "

Am I being too hard on myself?Maybe. I don't know. I'm just confused & not thinking very clearly.

"Wish I can do anything for you, but I'll always keep you in my prayers."

Thank you.

Roora,

"and elhamdAllah ou didnt know about and you were n't emotionally attached. YOu were not even planning my dear."

It's not possible to know that I was pregnant & not be emotionally attached. Not planning has nothing to do with it. I forgot that I wasn't planning the minute I found out. It's harsh enough to spend long days feeling my body changing & knowing that what is happening to me is a dying process, something was alive & it died & this something is a part of me & of him. No way my emotions can be untouched by that.

Jane,

Sorry to hear you've been there. When you get a chance please send me an email. Thanks for the offer.

2/23/2006 03:12:00 PM  
Blogger bosbos said...

loulou
"When you love someone you feel protective of them so when you have a lot of bitterness & pain & negativity inside you worry that if you let it out you will get them down"

ur 10% right BUT this is not the case here coz ur not acting normal that he doesn't feel ur pain...
he can see that u have a lot of pain and bitterness and he cant help u by any mean. that hurts even more believe me coz im sure he's hurting and feeling guilty alone just like u and maybe more coz he cant help u he will feel sooooo useless

when u reach out for him im sure that he wont be down like u vise versa he will try his best to help u.. Make u feel better.. Talking and sharing will help both of u A LOT i promise

as for the feeling guilty part u shouldn't it was only kada2 allah was nothing in ur hand to prevent it

2/23/2006 04:40:00 PM  
Blogger Safiya said...

Promise I won't use the n****l word in this post.

You are coming to terms with things. Grief has different stages. In the initial stage, shock, it's very common to feel numb like you can't talk, can't feel properly because you are still getting used to the idea that it actually happened.

Don't feel bad about the fact you are grieving both for the fact you lost a child and now for who that child would have been.

This numb stage won't last, it will give way to other feelings and as horrible and as raw as they may be, they will insha Allah lead to the end stage, which is acceptance.

You will get through this, Insha Allah, but don't fight your feelings as they are your way of coping, even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment.

I will make du'a for you.

2/24/2006 06:58:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

bosbos,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You have the right idea about sharing & communication. I hope you won't let my negative attitude convince you otherwise. I know hiding is not the right thing to do. It's just that sometimes we're not strong enough to do the right thing. Id3eeli inti bas.

Safiya,

"In the initial stage, shock, it's very common to feel numb like you can't talk, can't feel properly because you are still getting used to the idea that it actually happened."

Yes I guess it's shock. Even phsyically my doctor said I was in shock. Thanks for not using the n-word & for your prayers.

2/25/2006 10:25:00 AM  

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