It's too big for the two of us to live in - this apartment. Why do we need all these rooms? We don't. A one-bedroom would have been enough. This is too big & cold & empty & lonely. This is such a lonely house now. It's strange how this unborn child - a child who never lived here - who was never even expected here - and yet he leaves all this space. I swear the house feels like someone who lives here just died. Does it feel that way to you too? I don't know. I don't know how you feel. We can't seem to come together, to talk. We're each in our own corners. And this time the distance is my fault. Can't blame you. You try all the time.
And why am I thinking he?Why not a she?I don't know. Just a feeling. I keep picturing a little boy.
I get tired of walking around from room to room. And cold. I want to go back to bed but first I want to know where you are. Are you even home? So I pretend am going into the kitchen & on my way there I look in the living room. There you are. Reading. You ask if I need anything. I say no am fine. I get myself a glass of water because I have to look like am getting something. Then I go to bed & sleep.
When I wake up it's dark outside. And you're sleeping next to me. But you're not really sleeping. I can tell from your breathing. You just have your eyes closed because you felt me move & you don't want me to leave or ask you to leave. You don't want to leave me alone anymore. Or maybe you don't want to be alone anymore.
I turn on my side so my back is to you. It gives a little distance. Then I ask if you're asleep. You say no. Your tone is wary, challenging, as if you're asking me what am going to do about it. I have no answer. I lie there listening to our breathing for a while then I roll over into your arms. You catch me. You ask does it take that much thinking about.
It's actually physically painful to be hugged or squeezed these days. My entire body feels like a swollen limb. Something about fluid retention. Even my face is swollen. It's not unbearable pain. Just an overall sensation of soreness & discomfort. Not very cuddly. In addition to the occasional cramp of course which IS unbearable pain & definitely uncuddly.
All normal they tell me. Infact am so normal am told that unlike most women who miscarry I won't need a D&C. My scans are almost clean by now. That means they don't have to operate to remove the remains of the baby from inside me. And they tell me that like it's good news. Am supposed to be pleased. What can I say? Not very warm & cuddly.
But now you're holding on pretty tight. And it does hurt a little. But not as much as I was afraid it might. And the contact is good. Reassuring. I tell you that. And you say good, that's normal.
Normal. That word again. It makes me want to scream. If am so wonderfully NORMAL then why didn't I keep the baby? I swear if I hear that word one more time....But am swearing in silence. I don't say anything.
I am so cold. I register that am wearing so many layers, socks & am under the covers & still cold. Am always cold these days. And your bare skin feels hot. So which one of us is normal? I put my hands on you & you comment that am freezing & you get up to turn the AC off. Then you come back. Am wondering if I stay will I stop feeling cold or will I make you feel as cold as I am? Just like I ask myself all the time if I talk to you will you make me feel better or will I just hurt you?I know you're waiting. You want me to say something. Ask a question. Answer some of your questions. You think it's crazy that it's been 5 days & I still won't talk about that day - that the thing we both think about all the time we can't talk about so there really isn't much talk.
I close my eyes, hide my face against you & pretend to fall asleep. Then I feel your fingers in my hair moving my head back so you can look at me. Now it's you looking at my face & I have my eyes closed & am not sleeping. And we're right back where we started.
You give up & let go & I go back to my hiding place. This time it's not across the house or across the room or even across the bed. I'm hiding in you from you. Damn but am getting good at hiding.
I don't relax though until you're asleep. For real this time. And am safe for tonight? Safe? What kind of sad, sad world am I in now that lying there sleepless & alone for hours has become my idea of safe? And how normal is that?