8 weeks

Just because I stopped nagging at my husband, that is not to say I stopped nagging altogether. The new victim is my doctor.

Out of desperation, in an effort to point out the symptoms I keep asking her about, she asked me if I was experiencing mood swings or anxiety attacks.

Mood swings? But you see, that wouldn't be the differentiator, doc, because mood swings are my natural state of being! You mean I should expect to become even more neurotic? Is that even possible?

Quite the reverse actually. I think this pregnancy is having an oddly calming effect on me:

1) The daily bouts of road rage have disappeared. No matter how bad the traffic is, I no longer find myself feeling intense - if temporary - hatred of everyone who happens to be using the roads at the same time as me.

2) I am more patient with clients at work. Ironically, I am doing less work for them. For one thing, I don't spend hours researching my projects at home anymore. I've lost the ability to read for any length of time without falling asleep. It's hard enough at the office, but when I'm comfortable at home? Forget it.

It appears the two are related. I used to regard every project as my baby, becoming more royalist than the King, so to speak. And so, stupid choices by the client, which I saw as detrimental to the project and all my hard work, were particularly galling. Now I am more laidback. I have less at stake. And ironically, it's making me a more pleasant person for my clients to deal with!

3) My sister doesn't get to me as much as she used to. Even though she's going through a remarkably unpleasant phase at the moment. To be honest, I am much less interested in her at the moment. Not nice I know but I really can't be bothered right now. And so her usual antics just slide off.

4) Am I less obssessed with my husband? He would say so. I wouldn't agree.

The reason he thinks that is again ironically enough, that I am so much more tolerant and understanding with him. I am not as sensitized and reactive to every perceived lack of attention on his part. Truth is, I feel like I can forgive him anything right now because he got me pregnant!

I miss him a lot, in more ways than before. But missing him doesn't make me angry with him anymore. It makes me want to do nice things for him. Like email him nude photos - something he's asked me to do before and I haven't exactly refused to do but just never had the nerve to actually do. Not completely nude anyway.

Now I do it, because we don't live together and I don't want any changes in my body to be a complete shock to him when we see each other next. So I'm trying to send him one per week.

Then we have long telephone conversations about how and where I have or have not changed.

So far he thinks my breasts are getting bigger. I don't argue because bigger breasts are something I've always wanted and it so obviously turns him on. But they don't really feel any different to me. I'm still the same cup size and everything.

Our relationship is less confrontational now, more flirtatious and sexual and light-hearted. Which you would think a man would appreciate.

But my reduced appetite for fighting seems to confuse him. It's a sobering thought to think that I have expressed my love for him by being angry at him for so long, that when I am not angry he feels less loved somehow.

Talk about Pavlov conditioning! Poor K.

Not sure how long this calm will last though if I don't start feeling those symptoms pretty soon. Here's hoping..............

Different

Him: You're different.

He says that like it's not a good thing.

Me : Yes, K. Am pregnant. It changes people.
Him: It changes you.

I don't say anything. I know there's more.

Him: See? That's what I mean.
Me : What?
Him: You don't ask questions. You don't nag. You wait.
Me : This is not a good thing?
Him: It's different.

And I couldn't get anything more out of him.

For months he's been complaining about my nagging and asking me to stop. Now I stopped and so what is his problem?

Damn but marriage is confusing!

Bubble

So the 6th week has come and gone without incident. And the doctor says I am doing well.

Still no new symptoms though. Just the sleeping and the dreams.

Telling my husband and my family has made it real. I believe it now.

I am a pregnant woman. I have a due date. And regular doctor's appointments. And prenatal vitamins to take.

I am forbidden to smoke. And I can't be prescribed certain medications.

It's really true.

And now I can finally say I am happy. Warm, tingly, giggly, hug-myself kind of happy.

A simple, uncomplicated feeling.

Like floating inside a bubble.

But a pretty resilient bubble because things that would normally aggravate me just seem to slide off without piercing through and getting to me.

And I have all sorts of new habits and pastimes that give me immeasurable pleasure.

1) Taking my clothes off, staring at myself in the mirror, looking for changes, in reality, looking for the baby. I can do this for ages.

2) Talking to the baby. Not the sort of silly incoherent babble I use when I talk to other people's babies. Really talking. Sometimes in my head and sometimes when am alone, out loud. It's strange how much I find I have to say.

3) Following up from no.2, I am no longer afraid to be alone. Infact I like being by myself. I love my privacy these days.

4) Buying baby stuff. I am a shopaholic again. The fact that everything I buy I will have to pack is no longer a put-off. I would buy - and pack - the whole world for my baby. No sweat.

5) Buying groceries and cooking for myself.

6) Looking at my husband's baby pic - which is back over our wedding photo in the frame on the bedside table.

I just woke up actually. Was dreaming I was in bed with my husband. Like most of my dreams these days, it was so vivid I could feel his weight on top of me. Then the air which always feels so cold on the vast areas of my skin that had been covered by him when he would move away from me. And I woke up out of breath and covered with goosebumps.

Lay there for a bit before I realized I was alone. Normally a dream like that would have brought me to tears - of loneliness and frustration. Alternatively, it would have made me call him and pick a fight with him. Today it made me smile. That was a GOOD dream, I thought. Why did I ever react so badly? And then all sorts of memories came flooding in. All involving me, my husband and this bed. And for once, I enjoyed them.

Even though he is not with me, even though we're rapidly reaching the point where the time we spent apart is as much as the time we spent together as husband and wife, he is there and he is mine.

And now I am going to have his baby.

:)

Moments

Me : Hello?
Him: Fainak ya wa7ishni?
Me : K.
Him: 3iyoon K. Eh ya 3am? Ma btrodish leh?
Me : Sorry 7abibi. Have you been calling a lot?
Him: Inti nayma?
Me : Yeah.
Him: Hiya eh el7ikaya?
Me : Ay 7kaya? 3adi nayma.
Him: Aiwa nayma leh wi ezay ya3ni? Min imta da?
Me : Geez. Don't freak out just because I slept!
Him: I'm getting worried here.
Me : K 7abibi kol elnas tnam.
Him: Aiwa malna i7na wi mal elnas? Matghayarish elmaowdoo3. Elnas 7aga winti 7aga tanya khalis. Howa ana tayeh 3anik?

This made me laugh. Am married to someone who takes it for granted that I'm a walking freak show. If I do an average everyday thing like go to sleep at a reasonable hour he gets confused.

Me: So did you miss me?
Him: I get a little worried when you don't pick up.
Me : Why? I'm probably just sleeping or not near the phone.
Him: But you always answer your phone! What the hell!

He sounds even more confused.

Because when he's not with me am always watching my cell. My friends keep asking why I act like it's the end of the world if he rings and I don't answer on the first ring. But I decide he doesn't need to know that.

Me: So how is your father?

Silence.

Him: L., my father hasn't got the kind of condition that changes from day to day. You don't need to ask me that everyday.
Me : 7abibi, mahma kan Allah ghalib.
Him: Wani3ma billah. Bas i7na mish sogyareen ya3ni. Mish hanid7ak 3ala nafsina.
Me : Tayeb your mother? How is she doing?
Him: Ah. El7amdullilah kwaisa.
Me : Do you want to talk about this?
Him: No.
Me : Khalas 7abibi. Ana asfa. I7keeli 3anak inta.
Him: 2wi 2wi ya roo7i. T7ibi ti3rafi eh?
Me : When am I going to see you again?
Him: Aiwa imsikeeni ba2a min eleed illy btiwga3.
Me : T3ibt min elsafar?
Him: Howa ana lama bab2a m3aki bab2a msafir? Elmafrood ini fi baiti.
Me : Is that a trick question?
Him: Ya sitti. Wala trick wala 7aga. Asl illy eedo filmaya mish zay illy eedo filnar.
Me : Ana eedi filmaya?
Him: La. Bas ana eedi filnar.
Me : Salamtak min elnar.
Him: Tislameeli. Hah bardo mish 3ayza t2ooli malik?

And I really, really wanted to tell you then. But I let the moment pass. And now I feel like somehow I will regret it.

Sad.

I want.......

To sleep all the time.

Me. The insomniac. The hyperactive maniac. The hurricane in the room.

I want to lie in bed.

So I won't be tempted to make any sudden movements.

I have this strange need for stillness.

And when you're still, well, then sleep is the only way to pass the time really.

After my husband's last visit, I couldn't stand to even look at the bed anymore.

So I would sleep on the couch in the living room.

Now this same bed is my refuge.

The memories it brought back which hurt so much when compared to the scary void he leaves behind him, these memories no longer make me feel like running away and hiding.

Because this time he didn't leave a void. He left me something.

If I really am pregnant, then our bed is where this baby was conceived.

And I feel like if I can only stay in here, near the source if you will, then I can keep this baby safe.

So I only get out of bed when I absolutely have to. And I am always counting the minutes until I can get back.

A couple of nights back I fell asleep on top of the duvet.

And dreamt that I fell off the bed.

I woke up freezing cold, so sure that I lost the baby.

The dream was so vivid.

I had seen myself so clearly, lying on the floor, next to the bed, bleeding and in pain.

The pain I remember so well from last time.

So now to feel completely safe, I have to be in bed AND wrapped up tight under the duvet.

If I really am pregnant? Why do I keep thinking that?

The doctor confirmed it. The OBYG I saw later confirmed it.

And not content with all of that, I take a home pregnancy test like 4 times a day. They're always positive.

Why this need for constant confirmation?

Maybe because I don't feel pregnant?

I don't have any symptoms.

Physically, I don't feel any different.

I am late of course. But that has happened to me before for a lot of other reasons.

So I keep thinking what if all the tests are wrong?

What do I do then?

But I didn't have any symptoms last time either and it was true then.

And I don't want this time to be anything like last time.

So all I pray for now is something tangible.

I know it's way too early to expect to feel the baby kick or whatever.

But still, I wish I could feel more.

I want a miserable pregnancy.

I want the morning sickness and the backaches and the cravings and the painful breasts.

I want to feel everything I ever heard a pregnant woman who had a healthy baby say she felt.

I want to feel it in my heart.

I want to be sure, to know for myself.

I want to have no more doubts or questions.

What is wrong with me?

Why do I keep getting pregnant and not feeling it? Aren't women supposed to have some sort of instinct about this sort of thing?

Why don't I? I'm the woman everyone says is overly sensitive and feels things too much.

So why can't I feel the one thing I want to feel the most?

Second Time

For the second time, I am pregnant.

For the second time, it is a shock.

I go to the doctor on an unrelated matter. And I hear about medications I should or shouldn't take at this stage in the pregnancy.

And I am asking: what pregnancy?

And getting a funny look.

For the second time.

And for the second time, I am feeling numb.

I should be happy.

I should be scared.

I should be so many things that I'm not.

I came home from the doctor's and went to sleep.

Then I woke up and watched TV for hours.

I never watch TV for hours.

I didn't see anyone. Or answer my cell - which is in my bag in the closet.

I haven't spoken a word since I heard.

It is stupid to feel so shocked.

When this is what I wanted for so long.

And after everything I did to bring it about.

And after all the fighting.

I guess because I have been trying for so long and nothing happened, I stopped expecting it.

I got used to thinking of myself as someone pregnancy doesn't happen to.

Better than thinking of my body as something dysfunctional that kills babies.

I am in my 5th week apparently.

Next week will be the 6th week.

My miscarriage happened in the 6th week.