Sometimes I want a baby so bad I feel I will die of it. It's the worst kind of craving. Crippling. I don't know what else to call it. When I tell him he tells me to sleep on it or give it a few days. And that will usually make it go away. Like waking up from a dream.
Of course all this is new. The prospect of motherhood used to terrify me. I always liked kids in a detached sort of way. The idea of me with kids was just not real. Having kids was something that other people did while I cheered them on & bought them gifts & spoilt their babies. I couldn't see myself as the heroine of such a piece - only as a spectator.
When we got married my husband & I agreed to talk about kids in 2 years time. As is his habit he had a plan. And as is my habit I had none.
Just before the wedding he'd renewed his contract in UAE for 2 years. But I knew that he'd never been happy here. He still isn't. My husband hates it here. So his plan was that in 2 years time we'd move to Sweden. And start a family there. I'd need time to learn Swedish & restart my career etc....so I could stay home with the baby while I do that.
I remember feeling daunted by all that. Huge changes. A new country, a new language, a new career & motherhood. It was all too much to take in. I said that & he said it's ok I'd have 2 years to prepare thereby giving me an excuse to procrastinate & avoid making an immediate decision on any of those points. Me my personal motto has always been never decide today what you can decide tomorrow & never decide tomorrow what you can avoid deciding altogether. Besides at that time I was in the middle of pre-wedding hysteria & I wasn't convinced that there was life after the wedding day.
All I remember saying was that we shouldn't set anything in stone, that we should wait 2 years & then talk about all those things, babies included, that we don't know how we'll feel in 2 years time or where things will stand etc... He didn't see that for it was. A cop-out. I think he took it as agreement at least in principle.
So what changed? Mainly I had a miscarriage. And so now am getting these attacks of maternal longing with increasing frequency. And I get another type of attack. Panic attacks. Fear of miscarrying again. Fear of never becoming a mother.
So here we clash - me & him. He thought we had a plan & my husband is not the kind of person who enjoys having his plans overset without a good reason. And he feels very strongly against having a child here, that it will somehow tie him to this place that he really dislikes because moving with children born outside Sweden from a marriage that took place outside Sweden will apparently mean more complicated paperwork & we might somehow end up having to stay here longer than he can stand. Added to which he also feels that it's too early, we just got married, we're both busy & what little free time we have we should focus on each other etc.....
Basically his mind up is made up & while I can't seem to win the argument & dispute his reasoning I also can't seem to help the way I feel. Yes I didn't always feel the way I feel now & yes at one time I might have seemed to go along with something different. And no I shouldn't need a team of legal experts & cast-iron arguments to make my own husband understand that losing our baby might have changed my priorities.
Tonight he said - among other things - that I was on the rebound, that I was starting to develop an unhealthy obssessive attitude to this motherhood issue & that I should stop seeing the miscarriage as some sort of failed project that I need to make up for with a new project. I HATE it when he does that, when he takes it upon himself to tell me what I think & feel especially when he sounds so cold & unpleasant about it. And we had a fight. If one can call it that.
He made what I considered to be insensitive comments about something I happen to be feeling particularly sensitive about. I lost my temper & started yelling. He tried to get me to calm down. He failed so he lost his temper & slammed out of the house. I started calling frantically. He didn't pick up. I messaged that I get worried when he does that. He called to tell me I don't need to worry about him because he's an adult & that he's actually worried about me in a tone of voice that implied am not an adult.
Now it's almost 1:00 am & he's still out. We've been through this before. He'll come back & say it's late & we need to get some rest. Then he'll go to sleep & I'll be up all night fuming. Tonight he's made me so angry that am actually considering going ahead & getting pregnant whether he likes it or not. It's not like I need his permission. If this is what I get when I try to talk to him then maybe I shouldn't bother. Maybe I should just do what I want.