Attack of Conscience
Out for lunch with a friend. A group of guys walk in & sit at a nearby table. I notice her watching one of them with this look of wistful, puppy-like devotion on her face. She really likes him. We see him around a lot & everyone knows he's her crush. Am feeling kind of sad for her. She's been having a hard time & well, something good should happen to her. She needs it.
We get up for the buffet. I love their salad bar & am busy filling up my plate when I feel something touch my hair. I look up to find that my hair had been about to fall into a plate of hommos if the guy next to me had not pushed it out of the way. I tell him am sorry & thanks. He says no problem, that it's beautiful hair but not in his food. I smile because am thinking of Maxxed Out's comment about women on bread. Then I notice that the guy am talking to is one of the group of sitting with my friend's crush. In the next instant he's asking if we'd like to join them.
I almost said yes. It would give my friend a chance to establish contact with her long-time crush. There was a time when I wouldn't have thought twice. Just doing a friend a favor. On occasion I'd even approach a guy if my friend liked his friend. The rule is that it's ok to make a guy think you're interested in him if you're not. If it's actually your friend who is interested in him or in someone he's with. If you ARE interested in him then you NEVER approach him. You wait for your friends to do it for you. Who ever made these rules anyway?
But I tried to picture myself trying to explain this to my husband. He'd just hate it if I went through with this. Then I had another thought. The guy was clearly flirting with me, openly checking me out. Had he noticed my ring? If he hadn't then he would sooner or later & then what would he think of me for encouraging him?
So I said no thanks. And I went back to our table. Was going to tell her what happened then decided not to. Couldn't shake the feeling that I'd somehow let her down.
She dropped me off at home afterwards. Didn't have my car with me. I'd been having problems with my sound system so I'd let my husband take it to be sorted out. At home I had to deal with the stress of trying to find the maid something to do. She'd already spent all day scrubbing everything clean. Racked my brains a bit then I told her to do some laundary then gave her a shopping list & money & sent her off to the Co-op. Whew. That got her out of my hair for a while. Had my shower & changed then I sat down to finish some work I'd brought home with me.
Lost track of time until 10:00pm. Got up to pray maghrib & Isha. Called my husband to see why he wasn't home yet. He was out picking up my car. Got dinner started. He came home, gave me the car keys. I said thanks & gave him a kiss. No big deal.
But then this morning when I came downstairs & got into my car I had a shock. At first I thought I was in the wrong car! The car had been washed & cleaned inside out. The seat covers had been changed. That's something I've been wanting to do for ages. I had a new set of speakers. The tank was full. Even my empty box of tissues had been replaced with a new one.
I think it was the box of tissues that did it. I burst into tears. I felt so bad that at the time when he was busy doing all this for me I'd been busy thinking about letting some guy pick me & my friend up.
I actually got out of the car to go back upstairs when some inner voice of reason told me to get a grip. If I go running upstairs in tears & wake him & throw myself in his arms & tell him - which is what the visions in my head were telling me to do -he'll think am confessing to an affair. I'll make the whole thing look even worse.
So I got back in the car & drove myself to work. The minute I got in I ran into the bathroom & did some more crying. Then I washed my eyes with cold water & went back to my desk. Thought of calling him now that I was calmer. Told myself he won't pick up anyway. In the end I called & he didn't pick up. So I sent him sms saying thank you for my car etc.....
Got busy with work for a while but still felt down so in the end I went to M's office & blurted out the whole thing out.
Her advice was:
1) Don't tell him. He doesn't need to know. It will upset him & if he's been doing nice things for me then he doesn't deserve that.
2) Stop feeling bad. What matters is I didn't do it out of respect for his feelings.
3) Remember the suntan oil story. The same thing happened with him. A girl approached him & he passed her on to his friend. And he came & told me about it. Was he crying? No. So I should stop crying.
4) Think of something nice to do for him.
Good advice? I don't know. But I feel a bit better.