Thursday, May 11, 2006

Exhaustion

This morning I made a mistake that could have cost me my career. At the very least. It was also the kind of mistake that could be easily misconstrued. An honest mistake but it would have been difficult to prove that because it involves a conflict of interest & large sums of fines & insurance money etc...And this is a country where you're guilty til proven innocent.

Except I managed to rectify the situation without anyone being the wiser. Or cover it up so to speak.

As I type now my hands are shaking. It was a freak chance that I came in early enough to save the day. My manager's usual insensitivity. He called at 5:00am & woke me up to ask me to come in an hour early. Note that we start work at 7:30am. I was not amused.

He wanted me here to do something totally different. But being here I couldn't resist going over yesterday's work again. And that's when I found it. Just sat there staring at the screen thinking how could I have missed that & how could anyone believe me if I said I missed it?What is happening to me?Why am I suddenly so incompetent?

The panic paralyzed me for seconds & then I was off. The fight or flight response. There was no way out so I had to fight. By 8:30am I was done. My manager called to ask about the status of the other task - the one he made me come in early for. What could I say?I told him I didn't feel well & needed to leave the office for an hour, that I'll give him a report when I come back.

Just sat in the car for a while. Called my husband but he was swamped at work & couldn't talk. Was paralyzed again. The hour was almost up but I wasn't ready to go back & face my manager. What would I say? Come clean about the fact that I couldn't do what he wanted me to do because I had another emergency on my hands? Keep my mouth shut? Just didn't know.

Gave up on thinking & just started praying. It worked too. The boss called to say he'd be out office for the rest of today, give me a couple more tasks to handle for him & tell me that we'll talk tomorrow.

What a relief! It gives me a chance to think about what to do, talk it over with my husband & some friends.

I've got to start sleeping. This is ridiculous. Yesterday I was too sleepy to concentrate. Was easily distracted. Spent half the working day blogging. Worked very late but accomplished very little because I just couldn't focus. Haven't slept more than 2 or 3 hrs a night in over 10 days now.

I have never, ever been in a situation like this before. Maybe because I never had this kind of responsibility before. So does this mean I can't handle it? I don't know anymore. My husband & I both stay up very late. We rarely get to sleep before 2:00am. But he seems to be managing fine. I mean he hasn't killed any of his patients or anything. Maybe his work needs less concentration? Or maybe because he gets to sleep in an extra hour & a half in the morning?

But the things is if we don't stay up late when do we ever get to spend anytime together?In the weekends?What kind of marriage would that be? I miss him so much all day & now I have to give up the nights too?And our weekends aren't even the same. Like today. I have half a day off on Thurs but he'll be working two-shifts. He has Saturdays off but I have to work full-time on Sat. So we only get Fridays. Once a week. God I can't believe this. I used to see more of him when were dating. But now when I think of it when we were dating I called in sick or took a few hrs off work or came in late in the morning a lot etc....Couldn't have kept that up indefinitely. All those hrs I spent hanging around the clinic or out with him were often borrowed from work.

Thinking of taking the rest of the day off & going home to sleep. Am so exhausted now. I think the stress of events this morning was the straw that broke the camel's back. My system is completely overloaded & ready to shut down.

Labels:

9 Comments:

Blogger Nora said...

Loulou,
I think you need to organize your day more so that you're able to do all the things you want. Try working less hours, but with more concentration; you'll produce more and at the same time have longer hours for rest and leisure. Just don't be too hard on yourself - give yourself a break every now and then.

5/11/2006 02:59:00 PM  
Blogger programmer craig said...

People make mistakes. SOunds like you recovered from it well, despite the stress it caused you. I recall once a co-worker who send a company wide e-mail complaining about the crummy bonus his boss gave him, when he had meant to send it only to a particular friend. It was hilarious, especially since the company had about 15,000 employees, until they actually fired him over it :(

I sympoathize with you're lack of slpee. 2AM is my "normal" bedtime as well, it just seems to be my natural sleep cycle. Of course, that usually means I have to go on short sleep. I'm contatly struggling to get my schedule more in line with "normal" people. It really does feel good to go to bed at a reasonable hour and to wake up well rested, I just wish I could do it more :)

5/11/2006 04:38:00 PM  
Blogger roora said...

loulou, ISA ya Rab your problem will be resolved kheir ISA without any problems ISA.

But please try to have few days off, you didnt have time as a transition phase to organize yourself after marriage . you started work after honeymoon immediately and you went in a dliema. Abreak ay help you to organize your elf a bit and re- plan and make some thinking.. wee Rabena m3aki

5/11/2006 07:58:00 PM  
Blogger Highlander said...

Loulou hamdulilah you managed to correct the error !!!! you see God works in strange ways so having come early actually saved your neck. ! now you really need a vacation to get back on track too much has happened to you since the wedding. I think even 48 hrs would do the trick .

I really know what you mean about overwork and can sympathise I used to have that kind of emergency and then decided enough was enough as it made me a nervous wreck for 3 full years with no life , no social life , no family life , no health and no nothing all to prove myself and at the first sign of a mistake your slate is erased to zero . No way - never again . So please get your priorities right my dear and inshallah kheir . My prayers and thoughts are with you.

Programmer_Craig , 3 hrs sleep is not healthy , you need to sleep more !!!!

5/11/2006 10:14:00 PM  
Blogger Jane said...

Wow, Lou Lou. You have got to start taking care of yourself. I'm so relieved for you that you were able to correct your earlier mistake. GET SOME REST!

5/11/2006 11:49:00 PM  
Blogger tota said...

Al hamdullah that u passed it safely Loulou .. it will be good to start taking ur vacation next sat. if it's possible so it will be with "K" ... u can discuss it with him so he may have some brilliant ideas, maybe he is having that magic stick he usually use to order his work time as well...
And work before blogging … it may save an hour or more for u, then try blogging only from home it sometimes makes me exhausted that much of surfing over completely different issues.

5/12/2006 05:11:00 AM  
Blogger Leilouta said...

I overheard a coworker from his office say " Turn left at the chicken" I froze! My heart started beating really fast and I turned to see who the coworker was talking to. My husband was with him and he was telling him how I was so bad with directions that I had to describe things that way.
P.S:Turn left (or right) at the chicken is the title of one of my posts and I didn't want anyone to know about my blog.

5/12/2006 09:21:00 PM  
Blogger aroundtheclock24_7 said...

You were lucky to have noticed the glitch. Hope you are feeling better now and all is well. Take good care of yourself and try to get some rest. Best wishes at all times :)

5/13/2006 01:49:00 AM  
Blogger Maxxed`ouT said...

I'm soo relieved i dun have a 9 to 5 ...
Take it easy on yourself !

5/15/2006 08:18:00 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home