Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Have You Ever Been Hit?

Have you ever been hit by a man? The question was thrown at me in the middle of a conversation during which, unlike everyone else present, I couldn't express much sympathy for a girl we know who keeps going back to an abusive fiance. And then D added that no fights with my brothers when we were little don't count.

Fights with my brothers? When I was 8 yrs old & my brother A. was about 12 we got into a fight & I jumped on him. Was trying to punch or scratch him in the face & anywhere else he would let me. My father came running & picked me up off him. He yelled at both of us which my brother thought was unfair because I was the one who started it & all he did was defend himself etc.....That night my father came into my room at bedtime & gave me a long lecture about how I should never hit my brothers because if I hit them often enough they might hit me back & it's very bad for men to get used to hitting women.

My parents always hated it when we fought. They considered it disrespectful to them for us to yell at each or call each other names in their presence. You were guaranteed that neither one of my parents would speak to you for weeks if you did that. Sometimes Mama would start crying & saying things like if we hate each other now what will we do after she & my father are dead & make it sound like we were all doomed to commit fratricide before we're much older etc...Needless to say, that was a pain & we all tried to avoid it at all costs.

But that one time because the fight got physical I think we spooked my parents so much that instead of not talking to us or crying, they kept taking turns lecturing us about anger & violence & their consequences etc...all the time to the point where we both wanted to scream ok fine we get the message, leave us alone already!

So no my brothers would not hit me. When I was in the US, I would sometimes say I can't do something because my brother would kill me & then be startled when some people seemed to take that to mean I was physically afraid of him. It made me angry actually because I love my brother & they made him sound like someone he wasn't & would never be.

I wasn't going to say it to anyone in the group I was with. It's something I haven't thought about in years. But yes I have been hit by a man. My ex once hit me so hard I fell down & threw up all over his shoes. And he did it because I slapped him & he wanted to teach me my place I guess.

So is it like some sort of medal I need to have in order to be allowed to express the opinion that you should not allow yourself to be abused? I hate it when people tell me I shouldn't talk because 'I don't know what it's like'. How do they know I don't?

Whatever. I didn't tell them.

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15 Comments:

Blogger roora said...

oh loulou .. i am shocked . that i indeed hard! elhamdAllah that you broke with your fiance. Ok you slapped him ..he could of simply lap you back ..but he is indeed a man and he is stronger and hitting you by any means and hard is very painful ... Oh my God!

i bet you left each others afterward immediately

5/25/2006 12:34:00 AM  
Blogger programmer craig said...

I've known several women who were involved with abusive boyfriends, including my sister. I interceded (physically) twice when it happened in front of me. In both cases, I was treated like the bad guy for getting involved. And one of the women who thought I was the bad guy was my own sister, can you believe that? My sis doesn't have a pattern of getting involved with abusive guys, it was just that once. But there's something I just don't get about women and violent guys :(

5/25/2006 07:46:00 AM  
Blogger Safiya said...

You have such a way of telling a story, the reader thinks they know where the post is going and then - bang! There's a big revelation.

Alhamdulilah that man is your ex, any man who thinks women need to be "shown their place" has a world of things to learn. How did he respond afterwards?

5/25/2006 11:00:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Roora,

I don't think it's ever ok for a man to hit a woman. Even if she hit him. Any man who would do that has serious problems in his head.

When that happened we were already trying to break it off. But we were getting a lot of pressure from our families who didn't want us to.

Craig,

Yes I don't get it either. So many women who get involved with violent men seem to get stuck on the man & start defending him.

Safiya,

He freaked out & thought he'd done serious damage & I was gonna die on him. He took me to the hospital. On the way there I told him my brothers are going to kill you. He started crying & said I know.

I left the hospital from a different exit so I wouldn't have to go home with him. And I didn't see a doctor or anything. I also didn't tell them at home. I said I tripped & fell. Mama dragged me to the hospital for tests. But I was fine. Apart from a horrible migraine I woke up with the next morning.

I decided not to tell them because I got what I wanted which was to get rid of him. I thought no need to tell. My brothers would have done something crazy for sure & maybe got themselves in trouble. My family didn't know he was the one who hurt me. They wouldn't have expected that from him. But they turned against him because they thought he shouldn't have let me come home alone when I was injured. And he didn't dare contradict my story for fear that I'll tell the truth. So I finally got out of the engagement. Believe me it was worth getting hit just to get rid of him. He was so hard to get rid of.

What a waste of 3 years of my life.

5/25/2006 01:58:00 PM  
Blogger Me said...

Wow... I've missed a lot!!

"What a waste of 3 years of my life."

Not a waste walla 7aaga ya Loul... look what Allah gave you in the end... your beloved K...mashAllah Rabena 3awwadek kheir ya 7abibti with your loving husband...which is very clear from the "10 things you love about him" and from the surprises he keeps giving you (your car) ... don't think you don't deserve him ... inshAllah you surely both deserve each other... "Altayeboon lel tayebaat"
Rabena yedeem elmawwada wel Ra7mah beinkom :)

5/25/2006 03:43:00 PM  
Blogger Leilouta said...

Loulou, I did the same. I slapped an ex once while he was dozing off.
He grabbed me from my hair and dragged me to another room. So I hit him back :)_
It was not that bad, I mean I started it.
Many Egyptian women hit their husbands too :)

5/25/2006 07:44:00 PM  
Blogger Alluring said...

Hitting a woman is barbaric, period.
You have guts slapping the guy loulou, I slapped a guy once down the street who attempted to touch my butt; it felt great and he fled like a scared bug.

And leilouta, some Egyptian women hit their husbands, and some american women, and some german women and some morrocan women and some gulfian women and some tunisain women and some more.

Thats utterly a disgusting generalisation you just made. I'd suggest you check your sources and correct yourself, what you said is just awfuly retarded.

5/26/2006 02:16:00 AM  
Blogger programmer craig said...

Well... as far as women hitting men (slapping somebody is hitting them) I don't think that's very wise. I don't know about other cultures, but in mine most guys are taught from childhood that if somebody hits you, you hit them back. You're taking a gamble on his self control. Just wanted to point out, I'm not endorsing women hitting guys either!

5/26/2006 03:19:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Meme,

Yes you've missed a lot. And you've been missed. Welcome back 7abibti. And thank you.:)

Craig,

I don't think slapping men is acceptable either. It was a loss of control for me & the only time ever.

But I don't think there was any equivalency. I hit him out of fear. He scared me.

And then there's a question of proportion here. I didn't hurt him first because am not as strong as he is & second because he grabbed my hand in mid-air. I doubt that he felt any pain. In return he slapped me more than once until I fell down & couldn't hear anything for a few minutes. Then I started throwing up. These symptoms are consistent with a concussion btw.

I mean if someone shoves you on the shoulder do you turn around & break their back? If you do that you'd be seriously unbalanced wouldn't you?

Sometimes when I play with little kids they'll hit or pinch or bite me & I'll feel real pain. But I don't get any urge to hit back because they're so little & am so much bigger that I get scared of seriously hurting them if I hit them.

5/26/2006 09:12:00 AM  
Blogger Highlander said...

You know Loulou, I think that blogs are a healthy way to oust our personal stories. you obviously wanted to share this bad experience with someone and could not do it with family and friends due to the reasons you pointed out. I'm glad you decided to talk about it , because your virtual friends are also friends who care about you even if they are not physically near you. Thank God I have no experience with a man hiting me , but I would literally kill the guy who even tries, though I did slap a guy on the face when I was about 10 years old I think and he was way older. I hit him so hard for what I thought was an injustice that he started bleeding from the nose.The guy was so shocked I dared he never hit back. With retrospect I admire his self control and it was the only time I showed any sign of violence I believe. We became great friends as he learned not to mess around with me until his untimately death ( Allah Yirhamu) . So I think you did the right thing by not making a scandal out of it, you ex's punishement was that he lost forever the wonderful woman that you are and is regreting it on a daily basis. No woman slaps a man unless he has really done something outrageous like implying things about her honour in our culture or trying to make a pass at her when she does not want his advances - so he deserved to be slapped I guess. However that does not mean that I agree with either sex hiting the other. Your parents are right in their advice. My mother always says " eldarb bigalil ili7tiram bayn al mar'a wal rajul" i.e for the non-Arab speakers, hitting decreases respect between men and women. So you've lost your respect for him after he literally floored you. That was evil and unproportional to your action and you are better off, what if this had happened when you were actually married with kids and he lost his temper once ? Boy that woould be hell!
Believe me you are on your way to healing and have put this story behind you this is a good sign .

5/26/2006 01:48:00 PM  
Blogger Leilouta said...

Alluring,

Some Americans, tunisians, French, Lebanese,chinese... women hit their husbands. The reason I mentioned Egyptian was because I was reading an article about Egyptian women hitting their husbands at the time..sorry for being " awfuly retarded".

5/26/2006 07:33:00 PM  
Blogger Alluring said...

Leilouta,

You said MANY egyptian women, in my opinion thats' a generalisation which you should've thought about before writing it down, even after reading a story about it.

And read my comment again, I wrote "what you said is awfully retarded", I didn't say you were being one.

However, your apology is very accepted, and no hard feelings ;)

5/27/2006 09:43:00 AM  
Blogger tooners said...

in many Egyptian movies, they quite regularly show the woman hitting the man... it's common place. i know women who hit their husbands, and i know of men who hit their wives. i'm glad you left that situation. everything is a life lesson and thankfully you took something away w/ you.

i really like your blog. i like your openness.

5/27/2006 12:04:00 PM  
Blogger roora said...

I know ya louloyuthat men should not hit women , but I am saying that in worst cases )as a response to your initital slap )... but yet he is not excused for that .
God .. ElhamdAllah that you are fine now .. I cant believe how cruel he was .. to the extent that you went to hospital ..and thanks God that you don't have any emotional scars from this accident

5/28/2006 01:11:00 AM  
Blogger Jane said...

I always have sympathy for a woman when she is hit by a man--the first time. If she stays and is hit again then it is her choice, in my opinion. I have never been hit by a man. Once I thought this ex was going to hit me and I said, "If you hit me, you'd better make it a good one because it is the first and last time you ever will. You will never touch me again". My mother taught me that. Her father used to beat her mother and older siblings whenever he was drunk and she decided she would never put up with it. Neither will I.

5/29/2006 04:36:00 PM  

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